Quoc's Web Journal

BACK TO BASICS... HONESTY, HOPE, & FAITH

SCARED, BUT STILL SMILING BECAUSE I HAVE YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT...

It's Friday, June 16th... At 3P this afternoon, I will have made 6 consecutive days clean and sober... I have not done it alone... I have received phone call upon phone call... I have made phone call upon phone call... I have been reaching for help, trying to get out of my head... The COMMITTEE is really talking to me... It certainly is louder than the whispers in my heart...

It's interesting how after 3 years of staying clean and sober one day at a time and to reach a part of my sobriety where the obsession to use and the phenomena of craving was lifted from me... Then to have a slip up... and literally end up right back where I started when I first came in...

It's not as bad as when I first came in, homeless, paranoid, 105 lbs, hopeless, alone, and selfloathing, no self esteem, and just broken... I don't really feel it at all, but I truly believe I am bouncing back quite well.... I have survived a week of detoxing while still going to work, making a meeting EVERYDAY, and praying, writing, making phone calls and reading the big book...

At day 5 going on 6, my body has recovered from that state of dehydration and perpetual sleepiness... The head still is talking to me... It tells me that I will never enjoy sex like I did when I relapsed this past weekend... It tells me that I didn't go on a real run and to take advantage while I am still new to really go out, then come back and stay sober again one day at a time for the rest of my life... I have reservations and I have doubts...

Thankfully, tonight's speaker shared about her having the desire to drink/use for over eight (8) years before it was lifted. She managed to stay sober that long plus thirteen (13) years... Ok... That makes me feel better... That gives me hope...

So, what have I been doing right?

1) Trying to stay out of my head... Practicing the principle of honesty from step one... To honestly share whenever I have a using thought and exactly what the nature of the thought is... I am as sick as my secrets... In sharing honestly with my peers, I am able to shed sunlight on the disease thus taking it's power to manipulate me into relapsing again... I have thankfully been doing that via telephone, with my peers and at the meetings...

2) In practicing sharing honestly with others, I have been given the gift of the principle of hope from the 2nd step... People have been sharing their experience strength and hope of how they made it through another day after a relapse... The people I have been talking to tell me that I am not a disappointment to them, that I have helped keep a lot of people sober, that they are now taking the program more seriously as a result of my relapse, that they love me, support me, want me to get well... I am taking each experience to help pass the minute and hours of each day from the chatty head of mine...

The biggest gift I received today, was calling someone who has oodles of time who picked up the big book and read the Doctors opinion with me when I shared about the phenomena of craving that I am experiencing... I got sooo much out of his read... All he was doing was reading from Ms. Big Book and I heard it as if it were the first time and the book was written about me... I have read the "Dr's opinion" multiple times... The person spent time talking with me, related his own story with me, and shared some insight that really helped me out... The hugest thing I heard from him that I will take to heart is the following...

"Quoc, if you don't want to go through what you have gone through these past 5 days as a newcomer, then I suggest you don't go out and use... If you do, and you are lucky enough to come back, then you will re-experience these five agonizing days all over again... Is going out one more time worth coming back at day 1, 2, 3, 4 & 5 again and re-experiencing all that I have these past days?"

So, I need to be rigorously honest and tell on myself... I have deleted the number of the guy that I hooked up with and relapsed on from this past weekend... I also deleted his e-mail. He unfortunately does not know about me being in the program and relapsing... He still has my e-mail and phone number... Our last conversation consisted of his sharing with me that he is going to call me this Friday, June 16, 2006 to invite me over to play some more and in doing so put me at risk for relapse again...

Twisted alcoholic Quoc is looking forward to picking up the phone call from him and going over for more fun... This is what I want... What I NEED is to be with someone sober and either turn off the phone or be available to answer the phone while I am with someone sober and have the following script ready to read:"Hello, I wanted to let you know I am in recovery and relapsed this past weekend... This is not about you rather about my needing to do what I need to do to save my own life. Please do not call me again." And hang up.. I would want to add that I don't want him to call because he's directly connected to tweaker sex and that will totally lead me to imminent relapse and the consequences that ensue.... My flaking on my job, taking my meds, not showing up for my commitments, not eating, not drinking water, not resting, not being in touch, and diving deeper into throwing my body out of whack from where it is supposed to be chemically...

The ultimate result will be me being unemployed, homeless, sick, paranoid, alone, worrying my friends and family and results in possible death... It's sooo much harder to stay sober this 2nd time around... Perhaps it was this hard when I came in 3 years ago... I just don't remember... My support group continues to share with me that so long as I stay one more day, it increases the chances that this too shall pass... The cravings will recede, the obsession will quiet down, the sanity and serenity will slowly return...

My sponsor shared with me upon consulting with this sponsor that I may continue working my steps and I need not start back at step 1. It was suggested I review step 4 to see if there was any resentments that I may have missed or not share with him... He shared about my needing to review step 6 & 7 and look at the defects that I have been actively practicing: dishonesty via lying by omission and lying by comission...

It's not true that I am Betty Crocker because one person said he didn't want to be intimate with me because he labeled me as Betty Crocker. I didn't have to prove to him that I can be a kinky, adventurous sex fiend that can have raunchy sex... If he is not interested, his loss... I lost patience with God to bring me the person I am meant to be with who will appreciate me for all that I have to offer and offer me characteristics that I will appreciate, adore and embrace about the counterpart... Right now, I have to choose between the two, to be Mr. Recovery and work this program rigorously to stay sober and stay alive or to act macho and like someone who is sexy, appealing to other's sexual desires and lose sight of my primary purpose and relapse and possibly die. Honestly, I want both!!! For now, I need to work AA...

I get to call the fabulous people and hang out with them... I get to ask for fellowship and friendship and fun and celebration of my sobriety... I will work on throwing a party when I turn 1 year sober... For now, I need only share honestly about what is going on to get the scary relapse thoughts out of my head and give myself permission to be a newcomer and extend to myself love, compassion, tolerance, patience and mercy... I get to remember to keep an attitude of gratitude. I get to choose to continue with my sobriety work...

I have lost my time, but I have not lost my sobriety... It's all there... I need only get reconnected with it... I can't do it alone... I haven't been doing it alone... One hand in God and the other hand in AA... Someone shared that "slipping" meant that my hand slipped from God's.

I am asking for God's help to lift my desire to use and have tweaker sex from me... I am asking for God's help to keep me clean and sober one more day... I am asking for your help... your phone calls... your thoughts... your prayers... I know you already are doing it... Thank you... I am able to stay clean and sober because you are there to call me leave me your loving, supportive and sweet messages... It totally debunks my crazy crazy head... I NEED HELP... I CAN'T DO IT ALONE...

Scared, but grateful to be alive and sober one more day...

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 12:41 AM              E-mail me!