Quoc's Web Journal

I AM STANDING AT THE TURNING POINT...

I want to get high... I need to stay clean and sober... I want to have sex while high... This comment alone shows how I am not ready to have sex. For goodness sakes, I am a newcomer! I have 14 days clean and sober today, one day at a time...

I have blown off the whole day obsessing over the phone call I had with the guy I hooked up with a couple weeks ago and relapsed. We planned on hooking up and getting high and having lots of sex... I brood on it from last night until early this afternoon until I picked up the phone and called my sponsor and reluctantly shared with him about what had transpired. He gave me sound advice, but my ears have diseased earmuffs right now... I hear what I need to do, but there is a part of me that wants to feel what I felt a couple weeks ago...

I wrote a script and when the guy called back read the script honestly sharing about my HIV status as well as the fact that I am in recovery...

I am really messed up in the head... I AM REALLY MESSED UP!!! The monster disease has indeed been awakened!!! I want to go out and fix... I am indeed powerless... I am sooo loved... I went to my meeting tonight and was met by loving people who came up to me to hug me and support me and just give me solution and just be there and not judge or tsk or force me to do anything... It really is in my hands...

Am I gonna place my hand in God's hands or am I gonna place it in the disease? Do I want to start all over again and re-experience what I went through from the last last run on June 10th or do I want to continue hanging on and know that this too shall pass if I pray, trust God, stay close to people, not do it alone, share with rigorous honesty, and just not pick up with knowledge if I do that I may well end up in jails, institutions and death!!!

Help me God... Help me God... Help me God... Please help me stay clean and sober for another 24 hours... I am sooo in trouble...

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 3:37 PM              E-mail me!