Quoc's Web Journal

SAME PROBLEMS DRESSED UP DIFFERENTLY...

I just came home from my Tuesday night meeting.. Here are some random thoughts... I was thinking about how these are just recurring themes and problems that are going on in my life. They just are dressed up differently. They have been unresolved. Some problems will never resolve itself. The only way to resolve it is to just address it when it does come up. Others actually may be treated and cured and need not return again, but I must treat it completely. I truly feel continuing to work the steps and completing all 12 steps (at least to step 9) will really open my eyes, my ears, my tactile senses and my heart to a higher level. It certainly will open the door for my soul to feel the sunlight of my Higher Power!


I really love my Tuesday night 10P meeting. I am sooo glad it’s there. The secretary is incredibly hot and he gets amazing speakers!!! He totally breaks the rule of not to get your friends to share… He’s asked some amazing people to share!

So, if I raised my hand and shared what would I have said… Or what were the thoughts that went on in my head while I was sitting in the meeting…

This meeting is sooo special… very magical quality about it… It indeed is filled with the collective consciousness of my Higher Power. I don’t feel as alone as the meeting progresses. I get to think about solutions. My dishonest acts and transgressions or other acts of indiscretions come to the surface so it may be addressed.

I thought about responsibility and not wanting responsibility and in order not to get there, I sabotage myself and not complete the work that will take me to the next level of success as with the rewards that come with spiritual maturity, so are there “burdens” and responsibilities that I need to uphold. I am afraid of these responsibilities first because I am lazy… and number two I am desperately afraid of failing and not being able to take the heat and manage the responsibilities I have earned from my hard work.

Someone used analogies in his share… I was imagining lotus flowers… These are beautiful and robust flowers that can flourish and draw the nutrients and necessary life sustaining minerals it needs from really swampy gross water. It is able to filter out the not to healthy stuff and be able to draw upon that which works for it. There is more swamp and gross stuff than nutrients, yet there is the lotus flower flourishing and abundant!

I am sooo focused on victimization! I put myself in a place where my focus is on being a weak victim… The pay off to being a helpless victim is that you feel sorry for me. You give me attention. You say nice things to me to encourage me. You won’t be as firm or direct with me if something I am doing doesn’t agree with you. You will give me extra TLC. You will talk about it to your friends and you all will do nice things for me… This is my perceived pay off from being a victim…

In focusing on being a victim, I miss out on seeing and fully acknowledging the value of the gifts that I have received today for staying sober and staying in solution.

One is the opportunity to welcome a new member to this meeting who celebrated 28 years sober to the meeting tonight and getting to know her.

Another is my opportunity to be of service to a friend who relapsed and is feeling sh*tty and is considering going to meetings. It’s none of my business, if he has the desire, then I show up and be of service. The best thing that will happen is that he may or may not join and stay clean and sober as well as me stay clean and sober and get to be of service and get to go to a meeting. The worst thing that will happen is that he may not stay clean and sober and still yet I will get to stay sober and go to a meeting and get to be of service.

Another is the grand opportunity I get to develop my training skills and having the opportunity to be a trainer and help a bunch of new counselors learn to be the best counselors!

In being a victim, I dismiss the things that are really invaluable in my life. I don’t focus on gratitude and solution… Instead I focus on the negative… At the end of the training all I did was complain about having a headache and how tired I am and overworked I am. I was looking for kind pity strokes from the training coach and others…

I didn’t turn today’s problems and negative thoughts I had over to the care and management of my Higher Power. God, please take care of my problems and help me work through everything with grace and gratitude and with gratification that I am doing the best with what I have and that is perfection in the most human sense! God, help me not outgrow being human and maintain perspective on life that goes on around me.

Help me complete the stepwork so that I may have this spiritual awakening and carry the message to the alcoholic/addict/person who still suffers.

Help me find balance with everything I do and also to find the strength to juggle what many others are doing with a lot of zeal, excitement… WORK, EXERCISE, STEPWORK, FUN, DATING, FELLOWSHIPING, SELF CARE TIME.

God, thank you for another day clean and sober and with an opportunity to grow. Please help me let go of today’s negative thoughts and to keep the experiences that I learned from mistakes made and the growth I had.

Highlights… Finally my roomate was the one who talked about the pink elephant. We addressed it and let it go. I was not comfortable because I have not been completely forthcoming and honest with him because of my selfish thoughts and being assumptive… Remember that experiences like these will backfire and I may end up on the victim side of things in the future… I also had a difficult time spending 30+ minutes going up and down the elevator, going up and down the stairs in the heat, and strolling all around without having the courage and balls to just check out the apartment.

Today’s defects I practiced were assumptive, mind reading, cowardice, self loathe, selfish… I was very disrespectful of myself and very mean to myself and treated self without respect and love. I justified it. What I get to do is learn from today’s experience so that I don’t have to go through today ever again, if I don’t want to!

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 12:18 AM              E-mail me!