BREATHE IN FAITH... BREATHE OUT FEAR...
There is a phrase of the gorilla on my back... Well, here is a snapshot of my addiction in my head... It indeed takes the shape of a gargantuan gorilla... Right now it's resting, but it constantly has a keen eye on me at all times waiting for any moment for me to slip and for it to go bananas on me and really f*ck me up...
So, tonights speaker shared sooo eloquently about breathing into my body the Faith that God has for me... The nurture and care from a loving support group, the growth and experience from mistakes made, the opportunity to be of service, those moments when we can just pause in the pursuit of happiness to just be happy and appreciate the surroundings just right now... Then I get to follow it up with breathing out fear from my body... The negative perceptions and thoughts that I have of life, fear of financial insecurity, emotional and physical pain, feeling abandoned, alone, hopeless, helpless, and powerless... Feelings that no matter how hard I try or how much effort I put into working towards something that "persistence is futile."
I will try this as a meditation... With each deep breath I take in, I breath in love, faith, care, nurture, support, the spirit of God... Then when my lungs an inner being can't breathe anymore of this love in, I breathe out with ease and comfort the negative and toxic thoughts, feelings, and fears of everything from the status of my finances, my job, my home, my relationships familial to friendly to romantic, my health, and just let it leave my body... Then follow up with another breath of warm, fuzzy, loving energy and spirit of God...
So, God tells me to share with him all my fantasies and let Him make all my dreams come true... What about having a boyfriend that is as beautiful on the inside as well as be as beautiful on the outside as this man is! Whoa!!!! HUBBA!!! HUBBA!!!
So, I thought of a great analogy to where I am in my steps... In the past three (3) plus years I have been in recovery... I have learned a great deal and have climbed quite a few wrungs up the ladder of recovery or the steps of recovery if you will... Then, I had a slip... Here is the thing with a slip... When one slips in recovery, my feeling is that we physically start all the way from the bottom of the staircase/wrungs. I have knowledge and experience and forsight on what I get to re-experience down the road if I continue trudging the road of recovery again... It's up the steps... I actually know and see it... But I must reclimb and take every step again one day at a time, one breath at a time, one meeting at a time, etc...
Another helpful visual is of me rock climbing... I climb up to step eight and have invested 3 years learning all the little footholds and steps that have brought me to where I am up the rock of life. I then slip... Now, because I have a strong foundation, I truly believe that was the rope that kept me from plummeting to my death. Instead, I was caught by God, through God before I went splat! God did allow for me to drop hard enough on my noggin or on my bum in order to feel the consequences of my actions. Otherwise, there would be no motivation and incentive for me to run away from the disease and towards recovery.
In falling though and picking myself back up, I don't start back exactly where I left off when I slipped... Instead, I start back from foothold and handhold number one. I have experience and knowledge and know some of the traps that lay before me because I have gone through some of these trials and obstacles. I am able to find solutions and tools that will help me move forward a little more efficiently. I still start from the bottom and have to work my way back up again.
This time hopefully with less stumbling until I get to where I was at three years... Then I get to gain more experience strength and hope and cast lines down to those who are at the bottom and need a hand in climbing the rock of recovery... They follow the line and the path that I have taken... The very ones that others have taken before me and guide me through staying clean and sober and sane for the rest of today...
Thank you for continuing to keep me in your thoughts, prayers and including me into your life... This connection completes this whole wonderful process called life... There are sooo many avenues in life that any one person can experience... But our collective consciousness and experience can move us forward with strength and unity... I can't, but we will prevail!
One day at a time, I've completed 38 days clean and sober... Man are these one day at at times slow... I have to let go of the shame and negative thoughts I have about the 1200+ consecutive days of clean and sober time that I lost from my first time around... Sigh... Just for today... Just for today... Just for today...
Cheers,
Quoc
posted by Quoc @ 1:47 AM E-mail me!
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