Quoc's Web Journal

ID4... NOT THE LUBE!!!

Fourth of July 2006 was pretty uneventful... I slept in... I made more progress cleaning up my room... I went to work as testing counselor (yes! even on 4th of July!)... I came home... Watched some TV... Rested some more... Went up to the roof of my apartment complex and watched fireworks from 8:22P - 9:30P... Went to my late night 10P recovery meeting at West Hollywood Recovery Center... Came home... Ate some more food... Now making preparations to go to sleep...

So, these past few weeks of my new position has caused me physical pain... I have been very committed to doing the best job at my work... In doing so, I have committed considerable personal resources and compromised my balanced routine of rest, eating, personal time, as well as time with my friends, and of course my recovery meetings... The result has been upset stomach and the on-set of ulcer pains... Uh oh!!! Oh no!!! I have been popping Pepcid AC chewable tablets like tic tacs... Actually no more than 2 every 24 hours; which is the maximum recommended... Darn it!!!

What happened? Probably having relapsed about 25 days ago didn't help matters. Fortunately, I caught it early enough and am slowly on the mends. I am not completely bed-ridden curled in fetal position from the sheer agony of having an ulcer. I remember that all too clearly from the past. I am not about to let myself go there again. No job is worth this much stress... As Mom said, making all this money isn't worth diddly if I get sick because all the money in the world may not be able to heal the damage caused from neglecting oneself!

Another highlight is my spiritual moment connecting with Mom last night... I moved into prayer last night sitting in my leather office chair at home... I started talking out loud to Mom...

"Mom, I miss you... I miss your cooking... I feel really alone... I am very melancholy without your physical presence... I don't want to use... I don't want to abuse my body and do things to myself that are unhealthy and damaging... I am having a really hard time... I am really scared... I feel really weak and feeble... I wish you were here..."

Tears started rolling down my face as I continued just freely and honestly verbalizing my feelings to Mom... I started crying... I kept that to about 5 minutes...

Then, I moved into meditation and verbalized what Mom would've said to me if she were right there...

"Son, don't be sad son... What do you have to be sad about... You are such a good son... I am sooo proud of you... I miss you too... I need you to continue looking after your sisters... Judy is still really young and going to school... I am not there to look after her... Cook her some soup and hang out with her... You, Chin and Judy need to stick together... You are family... Stay close... Look after one another... You are a good son... Remember to be gentle with yourself son... There is no one else who will look after you right now as you are living on your own... Take the love that I gave you when I was around and use it for yourself... Eat and enjoy the foods that you like... Takes trips and travel... With regards to your clutter... Son, you can learn from me... You don't have to keep everything for fear of not having enough... You are living in the richest country in the world. People are dying from being too well fed, not starving... You are abundantly being provided for... You don't have to be the best of everyone that is around you. You only have to be the best man that you can be for yourself... I find comfort with where you are now because I see the people who love and care for you... They care for you and love you and support you because you have given that to them... love, care, and support... I am sooo proud of you... 'You are my heart, kidney and 5 organs' (in chinese that means that I am one of the most important things to her)... I love you son... Take care of yourself son... Don't put poisons into your body... Do what you want... Don't limit yourself like the way I did... Give completely of yourself when helping others... But don't forget to give completely to yourself when you have the chance to love yourself as well and also let yourself be completely vulnerable to those people that want to love you, kiss you, hold you, and want to be around you... Hold your arms wide open and receive that love. This is God and Mommy's way of sending our love to you through them... You are a good son... You've always been a good son... Don't forget that..."


Hearing her words and her voice come out of me was sooo immensely healing... I immediately felt inspired and uplifted to clean up my clutter with more of a gusto... I was able to throw things away that I really DIDN'T need. I was able to hold to my promise not to touch any sheet of paper more than 2 times! I am able to try harder in looking seriously at whatever I need to address whether I really NEED to address, or is it I WANT to address it... I get to prioritize and let go of the thnigs that really don't matter to make room for the really pressing things that WILL improve my physical, emotional, and spiritual health!

They are physical exercise and eating healthier; reading and completing the self help and spiritual books as well as doing the exercises; and working on my stepwork and completing my stepwork along with unity and service... It's having fun and celebrating each day that I get... It's asking for what I want but accepting and being grateful for what I have. Not having expectations, but just setting some goals but have the attitude of "let's see what happens..."

What is the attitude I am waking up with? What is my attitude as the day progresses? Am I remembering that in living with expectations and with pessimism, I am distracting myself from all the beauty, gifts and blessings of life? Am I focusing on the few challenges that are going on in my life or focusing on why I am doing all this anyway? Am I remembering that mistakes made are opportunities for growth and feeling the pain from growth will allow me to really appreciate when I have moments to rejoice and be happy?

So, I got to watch the fireworks tonight at the rooftop of the apartment... If I am not happy about how things turned out, what I get to do is to change things around so that things are different for the future... If I change nothing, then nothing changes... How much do I want things to be different? My actions will tell me, Higher Power and the Universe of what my motives, intentions and goals are...

God, please help me through this... My loving support group... YES THAT IS YOU READING THIS RIGHT NOW... I support you and ask for you to reach out and hang out with me and remind me to fellowship, treat myself right, to receive and embrace love, and to just enjoy life...

THINE WILL AND MINE BE ONE... PROVECHO! May this Independence Day celebrate wisdom to be free from bondage of my disease and have the Power of God to live happy, joyous, and free...

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 12:06 AM              E-mail me!