Quoc's Web Journal

RANDOM THOUGHTS...

So, just to let you folks know that I am still alive... I thought I would just edit and post a personal journal that I wrote onto this site... There are times when I need to withdraw into the safety of writing freely without concern and needing to be conscientious about being judgemental or sharing something that is hurtful to someone else... But very much like what my former therapist shared with me, "the feeling have to go somewhere." The toxic venom and negative thoughts have to go somewhere so that some relief can be had... In writing, a lot of the times, getting to vent is just the relief that I need to feel better... Other times, writing will allow me to see, feel, and read what is really going on and actually be able to shine some light on the problem so I can actually work it out... It's much better than allowing it to get bounced around in my head with the "crazy drunken monkey" to play with and manipulate in a way that will really f*ck with me...

So here goes... This journal are just some random thoughts I need to puke out of my head to feel better...

Feeling… uplifted… speaker shared about crazy drunken monkey…

I thought of working out just like my steps… Eventhough I didn’t feel like working out last evening and it was painful to work out last evening, I did it anyway… So, regardless of whether I feel like it or not, just do the work and I the results will happen… I will get stronger and healthier and more fit if I continue working out despite how I feel or think about it. To coin the phrase, it works if you work it, not it works if you think it… It works if you know it… It works if you want it… It works if you need it… It only works if I work it!!! Steps, exercise, spiritual growth, setting boundaries, letting myself be vulnerable to people who want to love me and get to know me. I will inevitably get better if I continue to do work on my sobriety regardless of how I feel.. I just gotta do the work!!!

Pick up the phone and ask how someone else is without sharing about how my day went... when I have moments of feeling sorry for myself or angst about situations and circumstances in my life that are challenging.

Pick up the phone when someone I don’t like calls and be of service and make myself available to them regarding 12 step work…

Crazy thoughts…

(*****)… feeling bad about ignoring his phone calls and text messages.
(Sponsor)… not calling and sharing with Sponsor about my job situation and my problems with "*****" and other people who’ve been mean to me during these past 30 days… Talk to them or not? I am withholding and being vengeful. I am playing a victim and taking something personal. I am nursing something that the other party has totally forgotten!!! I am not extending tolerance to someone who is human and an alcoholic and made a mistake… How nice is it for me to hold a grudge and be this petty, sensitive and unloving?

"****" is now on my 4th step… for telling me what to do by having to return his phone calls or else… He’s not my Mother… He’s not my Sponsor.

Pray… God, please do not remove this person from me until I have learned what that person is there to teach me.

Job situation… Do the pros of keeping my current job and the pros for applying for the West Hollywood Job... Then Pray… God, please keep my head quiet long enough to hear your whispers in my heart.

First what is going on? I am feeling there is too much work… Work that I don’t like doing… Managing a program and people, having to do reports and work on budget and things that are technical and affect things that I am not confident about working with and manipulating like numbers and budgets…etc… I am working in an environment where most people in the Department are not happy where they are… The morale is SOOOO low!!! I can’t even fall onto someone else to inspire me and keep the hope that things will get better in the department that I work in. I don’t get to provide direct services to clients because I am bogged down with shuffling paper!!! I spoke to "***" who shared with me that I am helping people in an indirect way because there needs to be someone to manage and keep the organization etc… What I really want to do is to test and be a counselor and help with organization events and be a trainer and develop that.

I had the opportunity to try out management and right now due to multiple factors, my experience in management sucks!!! It’s such a darn challenge!!! There is no unity… There is no united effort by management to care for the workers that work sooo hard within the department… There is no recognition and no compensation and no excited spirits to boost us to tap into our potentials as caring individuals who want to make a difference to this very special faction of people who are at risk for HIV/STD and to care for the people who are living with HIV/AIDS. This is an amazing group of people who have sooo much love to give, but need love to be given back in return and receiving none and now we’re wilting in the shadows of this department… It’s such a darn shame!

... Okay... that was my blurb... To end this quick blurb... I celebrated completion of 31 consecutive days of continuous sobriety. Under Sponsor direction, I reluctantly took my last newcomer chip and stood up to identify as a newcomer... That is on Monday, July 10, 2006. I better not forget it if I ever think about going out again because I'd have to do it all over again for another 30 days... That is if I make it back and God knows what condition I would be in if I made it back... I came back in pretty good shape because I had a lot of sober insurance invested and put away... My slip didn't cause for me to die because I do work a darn good program!

I slipped because I am an addict/alchoholic who is powerless over alcohol before I came into recovery... when I came in 3 years ago... and when I came back over 30 days ago, today, and in 3 years or 30 years... I am an addict/alchoholic who has lost the power of choice to resist picking up the drug/drink when it is placed in front of me... So, feeling bad about myself and beating up on myself for having relapsed implies that I have some willpower over the choice to get loaded when the opportunity presented itself... This is very very important for me to remember... It's throught DIVINE INTERVENTION and only through a Power greater than myself that I can stay clean and sober one day at a time.

Having been back for 30+ consecutive days, I notice all these defects pop up... All these little things that I may have missed when I did my first 7 seven steps... I get to go back and be thorough and clean up those areas where I am arrogant, prideful, judgemental, vengeful, condescending, witholding, belligerent, and DISHONEST just to name a few... I get to see all this insanity come to life in 3D action and watch it eat me up... Man!!! How much do I want to be rid of this?

I commit to work on step 8 one hour each day until I complete it!!! I need to get through my stepwork if there is any chance for me to have that spiritual connection with my Higher Power and get to maintain my sanity by carrying the message to the addict/alcoholic who still suffers... I really want that.. but my this huge defect of sloth and being lazy and procrastination has totally re-awakened and taken hold of me by the balls...

Just like the movie "A Beautiful Mind," I have to remember that the disease (crazy drunken monkey) will be there all the time to do everything in it's power to drive me to relapse, thus jails, institutions or death... but it will settle for me being miserable.. I need to remember to stay vigilant when these thoughts come up to excuse them and not pay attention to them and debunk them with positive imagery, thoughts, and behaviors... It helps to refocus on other people and be of service and do esteemable acts and just anything to get out of this craziness that is constantly setting traps for me to fall victim of.

I am powerless, not hopeless or helpless... God help me!!!

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 11:52 PM              E-mail me!