A PLACE TO CALL MY OWN...
So, as of tonight, 8:00P, Tuesday, August 8, 2006, I am proud and excited to announce that I have a home I get to call my own, on a monthly basis of course! I have my own home!!! It hasn't really felt like anything... It's been a few months of praying, staying in the moment, and just trusting God to place me where I need to be to learn what God is there to teach me in life...I signed the lease, wrote a check for the month of August 2006 and received my keys and assigned parking space. I couldn't really walk in and take a look and bask in the place I am going to be moving into in less than a week because the utilities are turned off... I came downstairs and called the Department of Water and Power and requested for the electricity to be turned on in my studio unit. I also called the gas company to schedule for the technician to turn on my pilot. In this instant, I had just realized that I have never had anything related to real estate property placed in my name... My name attached to the bill of rent of home, of electric, of gas... I am sure in a few months, it will turn out to be one of those darn chores of paying bills that I will get to do on a monthly basis, but right now, in this given moment, I am sooo excited that I have something I get to call my very own!!!
I can't wait to bake my first batch of cookies... So who cares if I don't have a refrigerator, microwave, toaster, dining table, or even a couch!!! It's just like when I moved into my current one bedroom situation... I was sleeping in an air mattress for the first couple to three months in an empty room... I had a parking space, but no car to park in that space... My life is sooo much richer because I continue to live it...
God has given me what I need... I continue to grow exponentially whether I feel it or not... Highlights today are my lesbian Mom called me to check in with me and offer her support in my moving process. I also received a call from a friend I met at the convention who will be coming out to help me move the bigger pieces of furniture. I even received an e-mail from a long lost high school classmate that I was steadfast friends with... In her e-mail, she detailed some things about over a decade and half ago, but certainly not lost because I totally remember everything she shared... I probably wouldn't be able to bring up all the memories she's managing.. It could be because I've burned those memories up from smoking and doing sooo much drugs and abusing my body! EEK!!! Thank God I have some brains left to work with!
I feel excited about this transition into a new home... I have an amazing framework for an incredible support group... I need only now nurture this support group and circle of friends I have... I have been giving love and support freely and generously... I have also been trying hard to be loving and gentle and generous with compassion and patience with myself... This has been a struggle, but I have a long history of self abuse and arrogance of holding myself to perfect standards to live up to and trying to be God... I don't need to be God... I need to remember BNQ!!! Be Nice to Quoc!!!
I am taking a moment to recognize my accomplishments despite setbacks... This relapse has been integrated into my life and is being used as a tool to promote and drive me forward even stronger!!! The obsession to use has been lifted and I am getting regrounded with myself and my higher power... I have 95% of my 8th step completed... I need only fill in the details of the harm that I have done to myself: the vicious negative attack thoughts that I do to myself, my taking in drugs and poisoning my body, my not accepting the love of other people because I don't feel I deserve it, for having unprotected sex in the past and resulting in my HIV infection, my unrealistically high expectations of myself to be perfect, my being a miser and not treating myself to things, activities, people and treats that I enjoy and like...
It was really hard generating this list of harms I have done to myself because in the 9th step, I believe that I did such horrible things that I don't deserve self forgiveness, a second chance at life, and to fall in love, to be loved as a son, brother, cousin and friend, and to receive support and gifts and other peoples time, money, conversations... I can't wait for that moment when I cross that threshold of completing the ninth step and being able to look the world in the eye squarely and feel completely on an even keel with the world and feel I don't owe the world, myself or other people any more apologies for what I've done, who I was, and the harm I caused. I can't wait to be liberated from that bondage of self hate, guilt, shame, and punishment for actions done in the past that have not been "righted" yet.
God, please help remind me to keep an attitude of gratitude and to remember Thine Will and mine be One.
Quoc
posted by Quoc @ 12:50 AM E-mail me!
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