Quoc's Web Journal

GRRR... ATITUDE! NOT GRATITUDE...

Hey, I am all moved in but not all unpacked... Looks like this will take awhile to unpack and even longer to turn this studio into a "HOME." A home that makes me smile from the inside out...

I just recently got linked up with the internet... I am swamped at work and have little time to do leisurely activities... I do have a long weekend and will take time out to reply to e-mails and give you folks an update as well as share pictures with you of my new pad...

In the meanwhile... I just wanted to check in... Let y'all know I am ok... I am sorry I have been a little aloof and withdrawn... There have been a lot of feelings going on lately...

- I just moved in 10 days ago...
- I celebrated my 31st natal (uterus, bellybutton) birthday on the 19th...
- Tomorrow, August 23 marks the 4th year since I was diagnosed HIV positive...
- I have over 70 days clean and sober again, one day at a time.
- I am adjusting to being alone at home...
- I am learning to accept God's order of business of opening up a space for me before I get the material item to fill it... Like the last place I lived in I got the bedroom before the bed, I got a parking space before a car... One can imagine if I got the stuff first before the space opens up... I am experiencing the same feelings of having open space, but having no full size refrigerator to fill food with.
- I am frustrated with just having enough to fulfill my needs and having no cushion for emergencies or even money for treats for myself. God is giving me what I need... I want a lot more and I want it now or sooner! Sigh...
- I miss Mom...
- I am finishing up my 8th step and will be embarking upon the 9th step...

So, these are some feelings I am going through without deluging you with verbal diarrhea. I will do that in a couple to three days... Just lots of feelings...

Prayers are good... Love is good... Reminding me not to have a bad attitude when I express my gratitude... In doing so, there is no gratitude.... As my friend shared with me... Is it just my mouthing off the gratitude with a growls?

I will start doing my daily list of 10 things I am grateful for... I will generate a list of things I've done today that I am proud of myself about. I will be of service and get out of myself... I will practice BNQ... Being Nice to Quoc... To extend love, compassion, tolerance, mercy and patience with others AND MYSELF!!!

Once I have a little money and get my place together a little more, perhaps I will have a little housewarming as suggested by my Lesbian Mom... Or is the idea that I should have a housewarming so I can get some stuff for my simple, bare home? I dunno... I am sooo stubborn and unwilling to ask for help and accept gifts from people... I know! I know! The defects I am practicing are arrogance, prideful and socrekeeping... Too proud to look like I am poor and independent!

Well, I am poor and a little dependent! And with the scorekeeping... This is my defect, not others who want to give/show me love without expectation that it needs to be returned... I think the very reason why people want to do nice things for me and love me is because I am loveable and have given love...

Ok... so much for keeping this blog brief.... For all who have called and e-mailed me and haven't received a reply... I will do so by the end of this week!!! Thank you for your patience...

Wish me luck for the site visit by the funders for my programs who are coming out to evaluate our progress!!! I have a lot of reading to do tonight... It's already midnight... Argh!!!!

Niters,

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 11:43 PM              E-mail me!