Quoc's Web Journal

LONELY LIVING ALONE...

Kickin' it with the mini palm trees...



Judy dancing with the 99 cent kite...



Judy Successfully Flying Kite...


So, I am finding myself lonely living in my new home... It's sooo quiet... There isn't anyone to talk to... There also isn't anyone to people please or accommodate to... The place is mine... All mine... So, why am I finding it not as enjoyable as I probably should/could be?

I had a dream about my Mom on Saturday night... I don't remember all the details... This is the first time I have seen Mom in a dream since she passed away in June 2005... In the dream, I remember driving some big old car... There was a minor car accident... I remember mentioning something about Dad... What really stood out was my not telling her I was her son... She pulled out some pictures and showed them to me telling me the person in the pictures was her son... Of course those were pictures of me... I was sooo dreadfully sad that she didn't recognize me... Yet I didn't tell her outright that I was her son...

I have been a little sad ever since... I am sure being sick since this past Thursday has not helped matters... Goodness what I wouldn't give for one of Mom's delicious chicken soups that she would slow cook for the whole day... There would be these special herbs in it that would make it just sooo addictively delicious... I know that would be the best thing for my stomache... I am suffering from gastric pain; diarrhea for days; feeling bloated from gas; loss of appetite; queasy discomfort from what feels like a snake in my lower intestine just swimming around inside me... Today is the first day I've felt some sense of relief... I am at about 65% or 70%... Argh...

I got to participation in the celebration of my sister Chin's birthday... It was an incredibly enjoyable experience... It was a cozy get together... A couple friends, the siblings and of course Chin's fiance Micol... I don't remember laughing sooo much... We talked about everything ranging from funerals, cremation, to fart anectodotes!!!

One of the highlights was my sis Chin telling me for the first time ever about what happened the night I hit my bottom... I was absolutely insane... I've always been telling a certain version in my speaks at recovery meetings... It's interesting to hear this version... Just as scary and a powerful reminder of how blessed I am to be in recovery and seemingly saved from a hopeless situation... I guess I get to add what I did to her onto my 8th step for amends on the 9th step...

I have stalled yet again on my 8th step... I am just about done with it... I need only hunker down and commmit 2 solid hours and I feel I would be done with the 8th step and ready to run it by my sponsor for approval and preparation for the 9th step...

I've had a lot of nostalgic, profound, and just moments where I would want to stop and jot down some notes about the past days events and the inspirations that I gained... Alas, life is sooo full and at times not so full but equally replaced by my full insane thinking head preventing me from blogging...

There are some publish worthy thoughts that swim through my noggin... Alas, I don't have the opportunity nor willingness to share all the time... What a waste... Sometimes inspiration and unique thoughts come like the wind or the stream... The exact same breeze or water doesn't flow through if I don't take time to take a snapshot picture of it... The good thing about it is that in not writing, I am lending more time for me to LIVE LIFE!!!

My feelings are certainly in sync with where I am in life... I am doing great! I have a great job; I managing the heck out of the 2 largest testing programs within the department. I am living in my own space... I am taking chances and bringing more depth to my recovery and the support group in my recovery... I am actually making friends... I actually have moments of complete and utter serenity... I am actually taking time to care for myself and extend that same amount of love, compassion, mercy and tolerance as I do with others. I am not as dishonest, manipulative, immature, etc... as I was yesterday, a week ago, a month ago... etc... I am seeing the perfection of the progress I am making... I am accepting the fact that I cannot outgrow human...

My feelings... sad, alone, familyless, isolated, unproductive, immature, not perfect, not seizing opportunities for romance with a few guys who are actually interested in me for everything I am. I am frustrated about not having abundant financial means to live out some fantasies such as going skydiving and traveling...

It's all good... I am Forgetting Everythings All Right... I am doing well...

Just checking in... Here are some pictures to share from that day I spent with my sister right after lobsterfest... We took a kite I had saved up for years that I purchased from the dollar store... We rigged it up with no hopes that it would fly... Amazingly it did fly and we had good fun and laughs at the bluff of the Korean Friendship Bell in San Pedro... I love my sis' Judy... That smile on her face while she is enjoying flying that kite is indeed priceless... I am happy I get to be present to share moments like these with my sisters and those that I care sooo very much for....

Just for today, I am thankful for the friendship of my friends... I am just lonely... I want a couch for my place so that I may invite some friends to come over, hunker down and watch a movie or have some laughs with me... That too shall come... Patience is what is asked of me...

God help me be patient....

posted by Quoc @ 11:58 PM              E-mail me!