AAAARGH!!!!
I need to be asleep soon... I have a full day ahead of me and a full week ahead of me... I must take a moment to share some feelings...What I am feeling is "AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!" I am frustrated, angry, sad, lonely, tired, and impatient!!!
I am sooo self-centered. I will try to get out of myself even more so by calling others and asking how they are feeling and taking time to listen to their shares. I will let them make the decision to hang up and not be the one to initiate it because I feel they are too busy for me or that I am not worth their time.
Tonight, I got to give a friend a birthday cake for 1 year of sobriety! Apparently, because I reached out to him one year ago, gave him the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous and embraced him. He stayed. He brought the well used big book and showed me the front cover... I had written in there... Keep coming back... Take it one day at a time... One step at a time... and I asked him to call me 12/16/06 when he turned one year. Who would've thought that one year later that I would get to bring him the pom poms that I promised him. Wow... I am very thankful for getting to receive sooo much gratitude from my friend. I love him... He is quite the "Superman."
I left early from this meeting to go to my regular late night Thursday meeting that I just picked up a literature commitment. I got there to be greeted by my best friend "A...." I am sooo thankful for the love he has for me and the friendship he consistently sends me... I get to practice receiving this love gracefully and accept it fully. It is very hard for me to receive love from those who care for me. There is a lot of love and care for me... I clearly am very very very unaccustomed to receiving that love... That part of me that is self-deprocating and self-loathing still speaks louder than the voices and embraces of those that love me. It tells me that I am not worth the love they are giving... I don't even know how to receive the love... Sigh... I am getting better at it...
I raised my hand because I was in sooo much pain even for a 2nd burning desire... The Secretary of the meeting shared about this time of the year being "tricky" because of the Holidays... Man oh man is he right on... I am a manifestation of those feelings making for a tricky holiday for an alcoholic/addict like myself.
I took the 2 minute burning desire and shared... I cried... I shared about being angry and frustrated. I shared about coveting those who share about having parents and loved ones to visit. I shared about being angry at those people who had parents and bitched and moaned about their relationships when I don't have parents to bitch and moan about...
I shared about being pissed off about being HIV positive and not getting to be with my sisters halfway around the world to visit our extended family and grandmother... I didn't clarify that I was upset about not being welcome into the country because of my HIV status.
I shared about being angry at myself for not being a good, grateful, gracious alcoholic who has a message of hope, cheer, and uplifting spirit... All I have is me just the way I am right now... In pain.... grieving the loss of my parents during the holidays... Saddened that my sisters are halfway around the world. Ungrateful for the sober family that I get to embrace. Angry about the job that I have that only allows me to barely pay off my bills and have but a few bucks to spend, literally!!!
I shared about wanting to take the Holidays and shove it in the microwave and speed it up... I would love nothing less than to plow throught the Holidays... I want the Holidays over with!!!
Right after the share, I felt like I had just opened up a wound... I was bleeding, exposed, emotional, vulnerable.... I had just exposed a very emotional and "weak" side of myself to my sober family. I may have scared some people by doing this; alas, I was sharing for myself... I needed to share because of my burning desire and extreme pain... I took contrary action and just put it out there... I remember when I kept to myself how I ended up high on crystal meth... Let's not have that again.
At the conclusion of the meeting, I received no less than three invitations to be with the families of my sober brothers and sisters. They were sincere and genuine offers. I felt like some sad charity case that others were guilt tripped into extending their generosity and love to. It was most uncomfortable... I did not want to be the "pity party" that people had to go to comfort and make feel better. Oh I was sooo embarrassed by my share up on the podium. My pride and ego were saying, "how could you embarrass yourself like this and make yourself look foolish and weak up in front of everyone... No one wants to hear your whining! Just shut up, sit down and get over your sorry ass." Boy talk about my head being out to get me... As they say, the disease is centered in the mind... I need to travel 12 inches down to where my heart is, where my spirit lies, and my Higher Powers... that place that beats steadily and tells me what is really going on... That place that away from my head and quiet enough for me to hear the whispers of my higher power...
I fell into the arms of my girlfriend in the meeting "A....." She just held me... She let me hold her and didnt let go... I just held onto her... I let my chin fall onto her shoulder and buried myself into her hair... It didn't feel awkward.... I wept... She just held me... I started pushing away... Then wrapped my arms around her... I think before I left, I had wrapped my arms around her and received the same loving embrace about half a dozen times...
I left for home... I just got done eating and watching some episodes of Voyager... Tomorrow, I get to take a friend to the airport before launching full speed ahead to get some very important reports completed at work before I head over to walk the Golden Retriever I will be dog-sitting for the next week...
I ask for the willingness to just feel the feelings and walk through everything I am going through clean and sober; one day at a time... one step at a time...
Quoc
posted by Quoc @ 12:31 AM E-mail me!
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