Quoc's Web Journal

IN THE GREY...

It's 10:36P... I am exhausted... I've had a whirlwind of a day... Thanks for your support and honest responses with my predicament... I dídn't preface the last blog that I did report the incident to the HR department, just prior to the incident with the Director in the presence of my immediate supervisor.

I haven't slept well... I am stressed out... I didn't eat too much today... My routine is completely thrown off... I am feeling the ill effects of someone's abuse towards me. I am giving into the fear of someone who is a bully. My sis said it right by saying not to give into the bully... My sponsee sister told me that she didn't like bullies and when one stands up to a bully, they back down. My baby sister considering her comment about not having a job gave some really sound advice!!! Many other friends just listened.... Right now, I just need to continue to show up, tell the truth, be truthful and factual in communication with whatever is going on. I am trying to keep the commentary, feelings and all the other colorful stuff I write in blogs to a minimum in my documentations of what has transpired. I did get some work done...

It started off with me waking up just not feeling like going to work... I woke up early and couldn't get back to sleep even if I wanted to. I was not looking forward to going to work. I wrote out all that had transpired yesterday... I sent the e-mail. At the conclusion of writing that out, I got all scared again. I immediately called and asked to speak to the HR Director. I explained that I did not feel safe going into work. She told me that she will inform the Director's boss and will get back to me as soon as possible. By 11:30A, I felt the need to go into the office and go do my job. I have a job to do despite my feelings. Boy, this is really taking every ounce of courage I have in me to suit up and show up!!! I informed the HR Director that I am going into work because there is so much going on for World AIDS Day. I asked a stupid question as to how to defocus from my discomfort. "Do your work" was her advice.

On the way to work, I called a bunch of people to check in... I called newcomers and others to talk a little and check in... I can't say too much about other correspondences just in case of the HR investigation go so deep as reading my blogs... I don't know if this is the smartest thing to do putting this out there into the internet... hmmm...

Suffice it to say, I am prepared for any future encounters with the Director. I snuck by her corner office and walked to my office. I am glad her door was mostly closed. I heart jumped and I got anxious everytime I heard the clacking of someone's shoes thinking it was her walking down the hallway to GET ME! Very scary. I got some work done and delegated. I tried to keep everything shared to a minimum... This is one huge defect I get to work on... GOSSIPING or just sharing about what is going on with me... I need to share with some people as I have been with friends, family and my sponsor who are not at work... I need some way to vent and bring down my anxiety, fear and concerns!!! I am proud of staying at work... I didn't see her for the rest of the day. I am assuming sometime in the afternoon when she left is when she was probably called in by HR to inform her of what all has been reported. Let's see what happens from this point with comparing my version of the story from her version.

SCARY!!! I am not very smart with conveying things in a fashion that is compelling and convincing of where I am coming from. All I know is to tell the truth to the best of my ability with the amount of experience under my belt. I really feel I am outgunned from experience... I am truly trusting that God will take care of me and Karen and all parties for acting with integrity...

This world doesn't operate on what is "fair" though. That is why there are such terms as bureaucracy, red tape, politics and probably why there are as many laws that address the very thing that I am going through... I just have to do my best and let the results take care of themselves.

I came home from the clinic listless... I need to declutter my room, work on redoing my 8th step and even taking time to give myself a nice warm bath! The weather is blistering cold... My home despite a little messy is warm, inviting and coming together as a home. I truly am starting to believe that one's home and surroundings is a good indication of how one's mind and internal organization is. In this case, my life and my mind is still a little cluttered, but for the most part, organized, warm, inviting and habitable! Short of a recliner couch, I would be able to invite guests over to visit and sit and enjoy the evening with in my home... Yayee...

Sorry, I digressed... It was nice to lose myself in my home for a moment... But I am sure you wanna know where I am mentally... So, here is the grey area that I am stuck in... Oh goodness... Don't tell an alcoholic who has alcoholic absolutism (black and white thinking) to walk through grey areas and to make a decision that is not clearly laid out before me... None of my support group was able to offer me any kind of sound and clear advice. None of my support group admire what I am going through. This includes my all-wise and all knowing sponsor!!! The decision is up to me... I am not even sure God has the answer. I think it is because there is no right or wrong answer in my current predicament... I have to just weigh the pros and cons and make a decision that makes the most sense and just do it and not regret it and accept the consequences and walk through it and trust that whatever will transpire will add to my utility belt of experience to share with others in the future or for my own use in future experiences that are similar to this.

Here are my options...

1) To call the other agency and tell them the truth of what is going on with my current position and see if the position is still vacant and if yes, if they will re-extend the offer to me. The pros of doing this is that I will be spared from working with the witch of a Director and get to start fresh with another agency that is much more family oriented and seemingly supportive. I would be doing 1/2 the work and have no supervisory role. I would be making a little more money... I get to start fresh with an agency that is not so big that there is all this bureaucracy and red tape...

2) To stay and ride out whatever is going to happen between the Director and myself. Apply for the training position and have an opportunity to ascertain the job of my dreams and become a training manager of new HIV testing counselors. The risk I take in staying is that I may get transferred or fired. Things can turn sour with a twist of the story from opposing party and my version of the story won't be credible. I may end up having to endure 6 more weeks of working under the Director of which will cause me unnecessary physical, mental and emotional harm and consequently directly affect my t-cell count and my overall well-being... It is known that STRESS AND THE LACK OF REST ARE THE NUMBER ONE OFFENDERS OF PERSONS LIVING WITH HIV. It may turn out that not much will be done to discipline offending parties and I will turn out being disappointed in the agency and how they handled the matter. Then I really wouldn't want to work for this agency.

It's scary that underlying everything that is going on with my current work environment that a lawsuit is actually realistic with improper treatment of this situation and acts of retaliation. I would very much like everything to smooth over... I don't know the best way... I don't know...

I need God's help more than ever... I am going to to take it one day at a time... I am going to pray day and night... I am going to stay clean and sober... I am not going to do this alone... I will continue living my life and be of service, go to meetings, work my step, build my home, and make friends and have fun... I am going to be courageous, brave, and walk with integrity... I will not rent my emotional space to anyone that is detrimental to my well-being... I will try not to play victim and take things personally... I will try to remain optimistic, hopeful, faithful, and take on the role of a victor!!! I ask God to help me leave work at work and not bring it home... To melt away the stresses of another persons drama and negative energy from me and not take on their burden, the consequences of their mistakes, not claim ownership to another persons faults and errors.

No matter what happens, I will walk through this experience with a bundle of experience and stories to tell for years to come!!! Tomorrow will be key to how the rest of this story plays out as I trust that by now the Director has been informed of my documentation and the complaint I have filed and what actions will take place to remedy this situation... Tomorrow will be key to my making a decision to stay or ask the other agency to reconsider their offer to accept me into their team.

I would like to know that each day that I am granted on this planet is lived fully and not with regret that I may have pissed it away with negativity and grief and stress and lack of gratitude and angst and as I said... REGRET!!! I don't want to regret the day that passed... How can I seize it so that each day that has passed will not be looked upon with remorse and regret and should'ves...

God, please help quiet my head long enough to hear your whispers in my heart. Please help me find clarity and the path to walk that will best allow me be of maximum service and serve Your Will. Help me think and act with Thine will and mine be one.

Very truly yours,

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 10:35 PM              E-mail me!