Quoc's Web Journal

STEP 7 = HUMILITY = GOD HELP ME...

This blog isn’t really so much for anyone to read; rather it is an opportunity for me to write this for my own self to read as I have been blessed with an amazing experience at my Tuesday night recovery meeting…

The speaker defined a “bottom” as something I lost or will lose that is more important than the drug or drink I was doing. That is sooo powerful! Sooo simplistic… It’s shares like this that make me want to be an unfaithful sponsee because I can only imagine the kind of solution the individual has to share if we had the intimate relationship that only can be shared between a sponsor and sponsee…

The speaker also spoke of humility… I had a rush of my own thoughts, experiences and interpretations of humility when I was listening to the speaker. He spoke of phrasing to God, “Do you got it?” meaning do you have the very matter that is going on in my life in good hands and handled? And God would look down with the most calm, confident and gentle demeanor and respond, “I got it.” I felt humility equals relinquishing my control… the opposite of arrogance and prideful… being able to take a side step from center stage of any issue or life event and give it over to God and ask Him to take care of it… And asking is only for me to hear as God has been, is and will always be handling my matters… So long as I am willing to turn it over to my Higher Power.

I thought about how my Higher Power works in my life… When I surrender and take the next indicated step and not try to figure out the next indicated step, then I am privy to some amazing gifts! My Higher Power has been here along trying to teach me… Quoc, if you open up a space in your life for me, I will fill it. I took steps and opened up a parking space… Eventually it was filled with a car. I took steps to rent a bedroom from my sober living a couple years ago… Within 1 -2 months, it was filled with a bed, then TV and the other wonderful blessings in my life…

As I have moved into my current studio, the open spaces that I don’t stand in the way of or try to fill myself automatically fill with ease! I currently am working on clearing out the paper clutter on a table that sits where a couch or sofa could be sitting… I truly believe that if I take the steps and open that space up, God again will find a way to fill it with something wonderful and inviting…

I can’t wait for the moment a 2 – 3 seat recliner couch/sofa is brought into my studio as I will be entertaining guests and asking people to come over and watch movies with etc… Here I am trying to get ahead of myself and want the cart before the horse…

So, right now I am in cloud nine… This person who spoke tonight, I have a crush on… He carried an amazing message that lifted me… I met him at this very meeting when I came back into the rooms from my relapse. I had 2 days clean and sober when I met him. I had an old-timer friend who sat next to me and tried to cheer me up and continues to do so to this day. I love these men in my life. They are my saviors. They are the very tangible extensions of love coming from my Higher Power.

I had a very clear idea of the direction I wanted to head in about a month ago… Within a week, everything had changed and seemed dreary… I humbly asked for help from my sponsor and my support group in and out of recovery. I was able to walk through it in the past week. This week, things are more tolerable… I have the opportunity to train again all of this week. I am taking time out in really learning the material and doing the best I can in teaching this material to the counselors in the class. I am actually confident and okay with the opportunity I have to learn to teach and make mistakes, learn from the mistakes and not beat myself up for making mistakes with this experience being my 2nd time ever doing an HIV 101 training course. That is great progress!!!

Tonight, I am in gratitude for the gifts of people and the opportunity to live and feel and grow from today’s experiences. Thank you God for the wonderful gifts you have brought for me… Clean and sober one more day, the opportunity to be of service, and one more day to move a little closer to what you created me to be in the first place… Perfectly Quoc just the way I am and just the way I am not. God help me surrender my will and my life to you... Thank you for your patience when I reluctantly turn it over to you... God, help me be ok with not knowing and know that I am not doing it alone. Let me walk through feeling the feelings and be able to walk through it and face it with courage rather than with cowardice. Let me constantly trust that whatever is happening right now is a means to the greatest good to myself, others and just the overall process...

God, do you got it? God says, Son, yes I got it… You just carry on… I am so proud of you. You are doing so great! I love you.

With humility and gratitude,

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 11:57 PM              E-mail me!