Quoc's Web Journal

OF MOURNING DEATH & CELEBRATING LIFE...

So, I will be incommunicado for a couple weeks... I actually have been incommunicado for a few weeks... Just wanted to give you folks a heads up!!! Perhaps the next time I give you an update, it will already be 2007!

This past month has been filled with sooo much life... There has been drama, death, challenges, and celebration...

Work: Continues to be a challenge as I continue to be of service in my current role and take a gamble on making a dream come true of becoming a Training Manager for HIV testing Counselors. The outgoing Director and myself are still NOT on speaking terms. It is such a shame... As much as I dislike her as a manager and leader, I appreciate her friendship and just being another human being trudging through life... I don't think she sees that. That is none of my business... There is a part of me that is tired of subsisting on living paycheck to paycheck... I am ready to earn some money and have some savings to put in the piggy bank and to spend on a trip for vacation... I currently don't have the luxury of that... Oh hell, I don't even have the luxury of going out to a nice restaurant every now and then... I am counting my pennies and very very mindful of every dollar I spend to make sure I have enough to cover the mandatory bills!

Recovery: Continues to be strong... I am taking chances and living a life that recovery has brought me: friendship, fun, self-love, laughter, intimacy, and camaraderie. It's been really nice... I have moments when my head talks to me and tries to sabotage. As I remember that the disease centers in the mind/head; I must remember to move 12 inches down from my mind to my heart where my Higher Power and solution lays. I look outward to others for solution and love. I am thankful for having that tool; I am proud of self for using that tool! Although, I have bad moments; I give thanks for the good days and great moments. I am mindful that going out or acting on my addiction will lead to 100% bad days and moments!

Other highlights:

This past Saturday, 12/16/06, I was invited to attend a service in support of a friend. His grandmother had just passed away. The occasion was mixed with happy and melancholy moments... I couldn't help but think about my Mom and Dad and their lives, their passing away, and the impact they had on my life and those that loved them... I cried with the friends and family who were their to share stories of how this woman affected their life. I kept hearing a common theme: love, laughter, and a spirit who had a zest for life! I was very inspired to hear about this woman's past... Here is a woman who had an unending supply of love for all around her when she grew up not receiving love. I am inspired to live a life that is one of continued outpour of love to others, service to others, and just being remembered as someone who did indeed have a zest and zeal for life and all the gifts it brings sad, happy and otherwise.

This past Thursday, 12/21/06, I took Judy, Chin and Fiance Micol to LAX. They are currently in Vietnam visiting with the family. I am saddened by the fact that I am not there with my sisters. I am saddened that circumstances don't warrant for better relations within and between the family back in Vietnam and myself. I am saddened that my parents are not here during the Holidays and my sisters are halfway around the world. That leaves me for the first time without contact with my family during the Holidays... This is really really hard... No matter how much sharing I do and reaching out; there is a deep void within me that yearns for the embrace, laughter and love of the unity of 5 members of the Lam family: Dad, Mom, Son, and two sisters... This Holiday, it's "son." I feel oh sooo alone... I am reaching out to my sober family... My sobriety brothers and sisters have extended their invitations. My attitude is just not one of embracing what they have to offer. I am grateful for what they are extending, but I want what is unattainable; thus, the solemn mood I am in...

Last week, I celebrated 6 months clean and sober, one day at a time... I am grateful for that... I am able to deflect those individuals who come up to me shocked and disappointed that I relapsed... I stay in the solution and go to where the love is... These past 6 months have been very meaningful with deep experiences flourishing my life... As a new friend of mine in recovery shared: "I am feeling everything intensely."

Up & coming:

I will be pretty preoccupied for the next week with work and being of service. I won't be home often as I get to house and dog-sit for a friend. He is going home for the Holidays... I am honored that I have become someone to whom someone has entrusted not just his home, but also his canine companion under my care. I am excited about getting to spend time with Cody the Golden Retriever. He is a VERY clever dog!!! I am gonna have a lot of fun hanging out with Cody... I only dread the fact that these past few days and the following days will be filled with cold weather! It won't be fun walking the dog and picking up his poo in the cold weather... I can already visualize the steam rising from the poo in the cold weather... Sorry, that was a bit graphic! LOL...

As such, I won't be around home much and will be bouncing between my home, my friends home, work and meetings... That is gonna be a full day and evening everyday for a week!!!

I should be doing better the first week of January as I have scheduled vacation time... I won't be going anywhere, but I will certainly be appreciating the down-time to play house and clean house and relax and work on redoing my 8th step... starting on the 9th step and the rest of the steps so that I may be in a position to sponsor!!! I have this hungry need to be of service in the capacity of carrying a message as I know that really has helped reinforce my own sobriety when I sponsored!

I have had many inspirational moments when I wanted to put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard rather, but I haven't taken a moment to do that... I am in the midst of re-evaluating my life yet once again... Oh yeah, did I mention that I am getting a blast from the past from all kinds of people finding me from this blog and from my silly simple myspace account? I have been e-mailed by a couple high school classmates checking in... I have yet to get in touch with them... We'll see how that goes...

Cheers... If I don't get a chance... Happy Holidays and have a safe New Year!!! I will be in touch soon... Thank you for your prayers, friendship, support, phone calls, e-mails and just love, love, love!!!

Warmest regards,

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 1:05 AM              E-mail me!