DO YOU SEE ME? DO YOU HEAR ME?
The past couple of weeks, I have been praying for an answer regarding finding truth of the mixed feelings I've been having about feeling at dis-ease with where I live and also with where I work... The past couple days, I have been getting more "clarity" with where I am and what I need to do. I had a talk with my boss about why and where I am... I was frank with her about where I am. It's amazing how I don't have to worry about remembering what I said and having to recall it and keep it consistent with the story I tell in the future... Solution? I have been telling the TRUTH! Perfect? Far from! Better? Yes! Progress? Yes!
So, what came out of the past few days? Insight on the importance of feeling recognition, acknowledgement, and existence; to feel wanted, needed and having a sense of purpose in another person’s (group of people, organization) life. The chat I had with my boss brought out the following questions: where am I? Where would I like to be? What do I need to do to ascertain what I would like.
Also, remembering to honor myself and my needs. Multitudes of people have pointed out how people tend to take advantage of my generosity. Those very people that point this out sometimes are guilty of taking advantage of my people pleasing side. What I get to do is look at my part and what I need to do. Other’s who take advantage of my generosity are looking out for themselves and thinking for themselves. My people-pleasing supports their efforts and enables them to continue this behavior because I give them permission to overstep boundaries and use me as a doormat. I am speaking on extreme terms, but there lies the potential for any situation that I act in a manner that is dishonest by doing what they want and not honoring my needs and desires and end up being a “doormat.” I am learning to say yes to myself and speak up and act up to get my needs addressed and filled. I am proud to have progress in this area.
Anyway, just having that conversation with my boss allowed me to feel heard. It was also shared with me that I am a valued member of the Department and I am “needed.” Today, the agency held a leadership forum for anyone interested in participating. I am very shocked and surprised how gatherings like these are not mandatory. The great thing is the people who choose to attend are attending because they want to! What I got out of the pow-wow among the few people with members of senior management is recognition and acknowledgement. This forum was educational in teaching me the difference between management and leadership. What was discussed allow knowledge and experience I already have be brought into the spotlight to be looked at. I saw the importance of having a balance of management skills and leadership skills. As they shared, management is asking “how can this be done?” where as leadership asks “why this should be done.” I envision a hybrid human of Borg Management skills crossed with Cheerleader/Activist leadership abilities! Very interesting!
I digressed, what I really got out of the chat was a sense of being heard first and foremost, a few moments to express my personal views on challenges I have as a member of this organization. In watching Sr. Management take notes, I feel they are not just hearing me, but listening to what I am saying showing me their interest in the people that work sooo very diligently in this very very amazing organization with a great cause, to treat those living with HIV, care for those dying of AIDS, prevent those from picking up the disease and ultimately push to find a cure one day in the future! I am just trying to find a place in life where my skills and abilities are being used to it's fullest. I also want to be somewhere where I am appreciated for the work that I do! The one I trust and listen to and watch for guideposts is my Higher Power. I trust that I will be placed where I am of maximum service and find maximum gratification and compensation for what I do. I am proud of myself for being willing to just speak up and share… The only way to get better is by practicing. I have to start somewhere!
I am proud to work here, it’s just difficult sometimes to focus all my energy and talents that is within me to the mission of the organization if I am worried about paying this months rent, having enough money for food, getting to enjoy a little trip for vacation, and keeping my car maintained and having enough gas in my car so it can get from one destination to another. Anyway, after yesterday and today, I am feel a lot more empowered and motivated to continue staying with the organization. The stage is set, the voices of the people are speaking and now we wait for the powers that be who seem to take interest and are listening to what we are saying to respond. Only God knows what will follow... I hope for the best that "leadership" will effect change...
Either way, I am sooo proud and honored to work with the people within the Department that I am in. We boldly step forward with enthusiasm to do work in advocating and educating people about HIV and how to care for themselves by protecting against infection and if one is positive protecting their partners from getting infected and themselves from getting reinfected. Each and every member of the Department exhibits this kind of passion... My co-workers sometimes are the very cement and glue that keep me where I am. They share their appreciation for me... Just hearing those words warm my heart so. I will remember to honor those I work with when they do great work!
Any views and comments made above are only my opinion and does not represent that of my colleagues and that of the agency... The great thing is, I feel ok with sharing my opinions and views. This is after all Quoclam.com... Not quoclaminconsiderationofotherpeoplesfeelingsandviews.com. So, my motives are pure and yes I am willing to accept the consequences of my actions... I get to make amends if I make a mistake.... I get to learn from any mistakes I make... Today, I feel like taking a stand and stirring things up a little and share exactly how I feel!
Quoc
BIRTHDAY DINNER WITH SISTERS
Here are some pictures from the birthday dinner I had with my sisters (and Chin's boyfriend) on Saturday, August 20, 2005... We had some really yummy chinese food!!! Yeah, I still love grubbin' out on chinese food despite being chinese and eating it all the time! I am what I eat aye?!
Quoc Holds cake that Chin got for him... It's very creamy and with Quoc's favorite fruit... strawberries!!! Yum!!!!
Chin & Micol (girlfriend and boyfriend)... aah... sooo sweet love is...
Here Siblings Chin, Judy and Quoc have fun trying to cut a cake... How'd some get on Judy's nose?
Quoc and his two favorite sisters in the whole wide world! I am sooo lucky to have them in my life....
Quoc's futile attempts to eat like a macho man... Eating like a lady... He can't help but be gay sometimes!!!
Enjoy folks!!! I am a very very lucky man!
ENVY IS SUCH AN UGLY WORD!!!
So, step six says that I am entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character... I am currently doing the work in identify these "character defects" or survival skills... My sponsor has listing defects of characters identified on my part of step 5... After listing these words... I have about 50+ character defects, I get to define what each of these words mean... This has been a very very interesting exercise! I am able to see in living color how destructive and unhealthy I can be by how I verbalize and communicate... One such word that I use sometimes is "envy." I tell people that I envy them for traveling or having something or doing something they really love...
Here is the Merriam Webster's definition of the word envy: a feeling of discontent and ill will because of another's advantages, possessions; resentful dislike of another who has something one desires (having ill will or hatred).
Wow!!! There is some powerful stuff resonating from just that one word! I never realized the connotation by which I used that word! Also, I do have moments when I do feel envy... They are moments when someone shares good news with me and I am not happy for them and their successes, but feeling sorry for myself for not having what they have. Sheesh.
So starts the change in behavior via identifying, defining and now changing that behavior that no longer serves a healthy purpose in my life! Someone else asked me to sponsor him last night. It was much easier to lay down the foundation of what my role is in his life. That I am doing this to save my life and to stay sober. That I am not a social worker, counselor, hotel, therapist, bank loaner, or taxi. I am here to share tools that I've learned to stay sober and reach for sanity one day at a time and to guide that individual through the steps. As someone shared with me, a sponsor is someone who does not hold my hand and take me through the steps. He is someone who has been down my path and now has the privilege of holding a flashlight and points it in the direction for the sponsee. The sponsee walking in the dark may choose to take that path that is lit, or choose the other one and stumble into the unknown... When I feel unworthy of being a sponsor, I am reminded that God brought the people that were meant to cross paths with me. So he is allowing me to cross paths with these amazing guys I get to sponsor. When the student is ready, the teacher appears... Now that I am sponsoring, I am learning, when the teacher is ready, the students appear!!!
I've been having a hard time with willingness to go to the gym and work out. I know how important exercise and caring for my physical well-being is. My stubborn mind doesn't want to move in that direction... Frankly it's upsetting and depressing me. I feel fat and unattractive... I feel unhealthy... So, I get to pray and ask for God's help... Then do my part and take those steps in ascertaining my goal one step at a time!!! I can't microwave my physique as I used to want to microwave my recovery. Pretty much no true blessing comes instantly like a microwaveable meal. So, I remember to treat my life like a crockpot.... Slow cook it to perfection!
Gratitude today... I have been doing this in conjuction with a proud of self list and also a prayer list and self affirmations on a daily basis... So, today the 10 things I am greatful for:
1) Sobriety
2) Life saving medication
3) My health
4) Arriving safely to all destinations today
5) Great car that transports me efficiently to where-ever I go
6) An amazing Sponsor that continues to teach me how to live sober and more sane!
7) Continued willingness to extend love, compassion, tolerance, mercy and patience with myself and with others
8) Food to eat
9) A comfortable bed to sleep in and privacy of my own room
10) A job that values the work I do there
11) Amazing friends in my support group
12) Great sponsees that help keep me sober and allow me the privilege of being of service
13) Opportunity to be of service to another person
14) Some freedom from fear of financial insecurity despite my financially insecure position
15) My own bathroom
16) Starting to shift from spiritual belief to having a spiritual experience
17) Opportunity to learn and grow one more day
I am very blessed and thankful for the life that I have been given...
Thank you all for your continued support via comments and e-mails!!! It means oh sooo much to me!!! Keep them coming! Share this site with your friends... I encourage and welcome their responses and experiences with their lives!!!! Share! Share! Share!!!
Warm regards,
Quoc
I SEE WHAT I LOOK FOR
"I see what I look for; I hear what I listen for." That is what my Sponsor shares with me. Lately, since completion of step 5, I am beginning to shift from spiritual belief to having a spiritual experience. These theories and concepts of blessings of recovery, sanity, serenity, manageability (with the help of God), and just a way better attitude of gratitude for the life I have are really happening to me! I can't explain it... I can feel it... It is very very real!
So, just checking in; I just completed the first assignment of my 6th step which is to generate a list of my character defects. My sponsor helped identify a whole bunch that I didn't see myself. It certainly is not limited to just the basic five of where was I: dishonest, selfish, self-seeking, fearful and inconsiderate. Also in relations with others, where did I arouse jealousy, bitterness and anger? It goes way beyond that. The beautiful thing is now that I can identify the defect, I can start working on changing that behavior. Heck, lately, just identifying that character defect has been enough for me not to do it anymore. Cool!
So, I am embarking upon the change!!! Finally!!! Steps 1, 2, & 3 are the surrender steps... Steps 4 & 5 are the discovery steps... Steps 6, 7, 8, & 9 are the change steps. I am changing... Layers of the onion are coming off; I am beginning to discover the Quoc that those that love and care for me see in me. I am a loving, compassionate, tolerant, patient, generous, sweet, handsome, healthy, young man deserving of love, compassion, friendship, and all the gravy on top that comes with the blessings of life!!!
I am in the beginning stages of truly sponsoring someone. My Sponsor and my support group are teaching me the my purpose as a member in recovery and my role as a sponsor to carry the message... NOT THE ALCOHOLIC. To communicate the message of singleness of purpose: to stay sober one day at a time and to help another alcoholic stay sober one day at a time. I am being taught that I am not a cab, hotel, therapist, bank, or social worker. My role is to help those interested in learning how to stay sober one day at a time by sharing my experiences. It has been most difficult because I want to help those newcomers who are homeless, penniless and hungry. My tendency is to help another person at the expense of myself; I am learning that I don't have to do that. By enabling another person, I am robbing that person an experience they can reference should there be any reservations about where they came from and whether they want to experience this "bottom" again. I hear that. It still is very difficult to resist helping that person... As my friend says, I must resist taking on the role of Captain Save-A-Whore!!!
I continue to stay willing... I continue to use the tools of recovery... service (helping another alcoholic, commitments at meetings), unity (going to meetings and reaching out to an old-timer and a newcomer), recovery (doing the stepwork in finding a spiritual experience that will liberate me from bondage of years of practic in arguing for my limitations). Most importantly, I am beginning to have fun in sobriety!!! It is suggested I take my recovery seriously, but I take life very lightly!!! I am sooo much more willing in depending on the infinite powers of my Higher Power rather than my finite human self. I am tapping into a resource that is really keeping me charged for the life I am given....
My health is good... At last count, my t-cells are above 600 and my viral load is undetectable. My job is going well... I am a valued and trusted member of the department and organization. I have taken some initiative in making myself available for romantic encounters. I am doing daily affirmations, prayers, proud of self lists, and gratitude lists. That is really helping!
So, today, I have arrested just for today, a living a breathing disease that is greater than myself and wants me dead. How? By turning my will and my life over to the care of a Higher Power. In looking for God, I hear God's message and suggestion that I live a happy joyous and free life just for today...
On August 19, 2005, I will turn 30 years of age... I am not celebrating so that I may be forever in my 20s!!! Most importantly, on August 19, I will celebrate 2 years, and 3 months clean and sober! That is the best birthday gift I can ever receive. On August 23, 2005 I will have celebrated 3 years living positively with HIV!
With gratitude,
Quoc
PS - I still miss Mom.... I forgot to ask her to give me the recipe to a vietnamese soup that Mom used to make all the time; the oxtail soup; and a few other dishes... I miss Mom's philosophical chats with me about life and living a moral and honorable life... I miss calling home to let Mom know that I am coming home and to have some food ready for me... I miss going to Sam's Club with Mom... I never got to take Mom to places like Amsterdam, Hawaii, and Europe... I miss Mom's love bites... I miss Mom's laughter... I miss having that birthday meal that Mom has prepared for me for 28 years of my life... I miss hugging Mom, kissing her, telling her I love her, rolling my eyes when she is just babbling on about proverbs, and just being in the presence of a woman who exemplifies unconditional love, compassion, devotion, diligence, ambition, tolerance, infinite patience, and unyielding commitment in the care of those people she cares for. I am honored and privileged to have been Anh Truong's son... That in itself is one of the greatest gifts I am realizing any person could ever receive. I am sooo lucky... I am sooo thankful...
7:40PM
I FINISHED MY FOURTH STEP LAST NIGHT, WED., 8/3/05 AT 7:40PM. This is huge!!! I will give you details on a blog tonight!!! I am sooo proud of this huge leap forward for myself! More to come... I have work right now...
With deep gratitude,
Quoc
