JUST PICTURES... OF QUOC...
ALOHA FROM OAHU.... ARMS WIDE OPEN TO HOLD HIS OHANA...
TAKING A TOUR AROUND THE ISLAND OF OAHU... CIRCLE ISLAND TOUR...
ON THE ROOFTOP OF MY APARTMENT COMPLEX... IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT WITH A BEAUTIFUL VIEW....
GRUNION RUN!!!!! HERE THEY ARE HAVING AN ORGYFEST IN SAN PEDRO...
GOT FISH? THEY'RE SOOO SLIPPERY AND SQUISHY!!!
QUOC CELEBRATES 3 YEARS SOBER WITH HIS SISTERS AND HIS LESBIAN MOM... THERE IS AN EXTRA CANDLE... THAT IS ONE TO GROW ON... 8-)
IN PREPARATION FOR THE AALA ROUNDUP 2006 "WALK THE WALK" CONVENTION AT BURBANK HILTON... I LOOKED MUCH MORE HAGGARD BY MAY 29 AFTER 65 HOURS OF VOLUNTEER TIME...
PHYSICALLY EXHAUSTED... SPIRITUAL HIGH...
Hello Family... I don't remember the last time I checked in... So, I will give you a brief overview of what has been up in my life lately... A LOT!!! I've had sooo many moments when I really wanted to place pen to paper or rather in this case, fingers to keyboard and transfer the thoughts and feelings I had from each event and moment that has transpired...
It's been another amazing couple months. Just to stay in the moment and check in for today, I had woken up really late and frankly completely forgot to go to the morning meeting that my Sponsor and two sponsee sisters were supposed to have given me a cake for 3 years clean and sober. I felt sooo terrible! Aside from my nuclear family who gave me a cake the prior week, this was the 2nd most important cake that I was to receive... I called my sponsor a couple times as well as one of my sponsee sisters to apologize for forgetting to show up... I called my sponsor yet again at the end of my work day to share how badly I felt... My Sponsor promptly called me back and left me a voice message and in all his wisdom shared with me that forgetting to come to a meeting to receive a cake is not that big of a deal. The big deal is that I turned 3 years clean and sober. What I get to do is call and apologize for not having shown up and ask if my sponsor and sponsee sisters would be willing to come out and give me a cake the next week. It was sooo simple. He insisted that I stop beating up on myself and to reach for compassion and mercy for myself as I do with others. I love my Sponsor!!! He rocks!!!
This past weekend has been amazing... I had the opportunity to be of ultimate service at the AALA Roundup 2006. The theme of this year's roundup is "Walk the Walk." I served as the archives and on-site volunteer chair. Boy was it a lot of work!!!! I volunteered and assisted with rounding up volunteers for all committees that needed volunteers throughout the weekend... My schedule consisted of waking up at 6A each morning to attend the committee meeting at 7A and then to be of service til about 11P/12A from Friday through Sunday... Then 6A - 5P on Monday, Memorial day!!! That is a whopping 65 hours of being at the convention and helping out at some capacity over a 4 day period... What a Memorial day weekend!!! I was joking about calling my sponsor to have my sobriety date moved back a couple days for all the extra service work I did... haha...
It was an amazing weekend... I slept from 5:40P - 7:45A on Monday after completing my commitment with the convention.. I only got up to pee, eat and rehydrate myself... I took another nap today after work... I feel a bit more balanced... I am feeling a sense of withdrawal... It could be I have exerted myself a whole lot this past weekend; it could be a sense of inner peace and close contact with my Higher Power from being with a fellowship of over 850 people; it could be that I am missing the group that I have spent the past 4 days with; it could be a combination of all of the above... Suffice it to say, I am physically exhausted, but on a spiritual high...
I remember my first time at the convention 3 years ago when I had but 5 days clean... Then my first year sober at the convention when I took the bus... Then my 2nd year sober when Mom was very ill... Then this year, year 3, when I get to give back that was sooo freely given to me... Love, support, message of hope, tools of sobriety and sanity, and sooo much more... This year I got to lead the last gratitude meeting on Monday morning at 7:30A before the main spiritual meeting. I had the opportunity to share my gratitude for what I have today.... Then at the main spiritual meeting, I had the opportunity to stand up in front and celebrate my sobriety with a bunch of other people and hear happy birthday sung to all of us in front by over 800 people. I was recognized as a committe member for archives and on-site volunteering.... Soo many accolades... I had the opportunity to read How it works at the banquet meeting. I didn't need any of it; I received so much just from showing up for others and getting to be of service... I received the ultimate satisfaction as being one of the few people who really assisted with pulling off a very very successful convention! Wahoo!!!
It's too bad that I am not feeling very articulate and eloquent tonight... I have had many of these moments when I really wanted to write and share sentiments worthy of being published (in my opinion). Alas, I was either too tired or too busy to take a moment out to write... Life was in session!!!
In the past couple months, I've mourned the death of my father; sobbed on the phone with my sponsor on Mother's day; got promoted to a new position that is challenging; receive recognition for successfully revamping a program that helped link HIV positive people into care as well as assisted with disclosure services; traveled to Hawaii; celebrated 3 years clean and sober; celebrate my baby sister's birthday; go on a grunion run; ask people that are important to me to come out and give me a cake and celebrate my sobriety with me as well as give me an opportunity to share gratitude for their presence in my life; come to better terms with my HIV and being honest about sharing with other people about my status and facing my fear with courage and not cowardice; experience some amazing sober sex; participated fully in an amazing convention for recovering alcoholics/addicts... the list goes on...
I am grateful for the opportunity to have such a full life... I am grateful there is a solution for someone like myself that truly came in broken, hopeless, and in my sponsor's words, move from base to grace thanks to God's mercy and the practice of the principles of this program of recovery... This spiritual program has taught me to hold hands with my fellows and remember that I am no more or less special than anyone else around me... I remember to stay in the IS and AM... I get to appreciate the gift of what I have today... I have a family of thousands of brothers and sisters I can reach out to... to be of service and for help...
I have been having bad days as well... I will see if I can be more prompt with sharing more often... I get a lot out of reading my own blogs... I will leave you with a few images from recently....
I WELCOME YOUR CORRESPONDENCES, YOUR E-MAILS AND YOUR THOUGHTS... SEND ME AN E-MAIL: QUOC@QUOCLAM.COM
Cheers,
Quoc
ALONE IN A STAR-STUD CROWDED ROOM...
Setting: The very very chic Abbey Bar and Restaurant in West Hollywood, California...
Time: 6P - 9P
Event: Frontiers 25th Anniversary party (gay magazine)
Who is there: Invite/RSVP VIP only
So... I left work to get to this event by 6P... This will be my first official invite only RSVP star studded event ever... It wasn't really star studded, but there were several stars there...
The restaurant was elegant and beautiful!!! I received a VIP wrist band upon arriving at the door... When I walked in, to my right was a fireplace with flames emanating from a pile of translucent crystals.... Very very posh looking!!! To my left a rows of martini glasses filled with a pink liquid (I presume alcoholic) ready for the taking and of course all compliments of the host of this party... There weren't that many people there... Luscious bartenders (3 in total behind the bar directly to my left) tone and like adonis' and with very very gregarious personalities greeted me awaiting my order of a beverage... "Coca cola please," was my response... Ice was scooped and the hose with the spigot went into the glass to be given to me via very very sinewy and tone arms fizzed with coca cola as it filled... I thanked the bartender and left a dollar for a tip and walked away sipping...
I stood literally in the middle of the first room... There were 2 big rooms reserved for this party... and a fully staff restroom that served you paper towels, cologne, an assortment of sweet treats among other items I didn't care to look at because I did not have the means to tip the person to provide me with that kind of service... Clearly other people were very very well off because I saw 5s and 10 dollar bills in the jar where the bathroom attendant was...
I sipped and became nervous as beautiful people and dignitary looking couples dressed in nice clothing enter and go to the bar to pick up the pink martini glasses... I was sporting a pinstriped suit with a red dress shirt underneath and kenneth cole shoes... My hair was parted to the left.. I wasn't looking so bad myself... Thank God I dressed it up because 90% of the people that arrived dressed up as well in very very formal attire...
As the evening progressed, people that had too much botox injected into their lips, foreheads etc... were clearly noticeable... I am indeed in the presence of the bold, beautiful and rich and superficial!!! There were many non-profit members that purchased ads from the magazine to come and celebrate and enjoy the endless trays of hors d'oeurves carried by brawny and very gorgeous men in tank tops... Oh my goodness!!! Alcohol flowed generously from many bottles creating the concoctions by the hungry masses of people demanding for the effect produced by the liquid that loosens peoples stress and tongues...
People were pairing up and people were forming groups toasting one another and laughing disengenuously while sipping one alcoholic beverage after another... I stood there frozen... Very very uncomfortable... I tried to tell myself that I am no different than they are... I am no better or no worse than anyone in that room. I tried not to judge myself or other people in the room.
The more people came in and the louder the chattering went and the louder the music grew to match the volume of social intercourse between the people, the more uncomfortable and alienated I felt... I felt sooo out of place... I was certainly not identifying with the group.. I was comparing... I was single and didn't know anyone in the room... I could've focused on the fact that there were other single people who just took a chance and mingled... Plenty of people were there mainly to network and promote whatever work of art or talent they had to sell and share. There were non-profit and profit oriented individuals there... There were friends of the host and members of two degrees of separation or less from the Staff and family of Frontiers. I wanted to have a beautiful man like the beautiful couples that pranced around hand in hand adorning martinis in their hand...
I was gonna give myself about 5 - 10 more minutes of this discomfort and hoping and praying for God to bring someone familiar to me or some hottie to approach me and flirt with me or just anyone to strike up a conversation that I was able to hold.... ANYTHING...
Then someone waved at me… I heard him say to his friend that he knew me from somewhere… I reciprocated the wave and he came towards me and introduced himself… Conversation arose and I felt better… He shared with me he met me in the rooms of recovery and remembered and appreciated my kindness and generosity. It took me a couple more minutes before my memory engrams matched his… It was a sober hit… I sighed a sense of relief that I was no longer alone and had someone to chat with and hang out with… My friend took me around to say hello to many people… He was quite the gregarious individual… Then he took me across the street from the event to say hello to his co-workers.. Back to the event we went at which time I ran into my co-workers! What a pleasant surprise…
To keep it brief, for the rest of the evening, I bounced from co-workers to my friend in recovery to a couple people I had just met… I am sure there were eyes that expressed interest in me but I was too clueless to pick up on them… My eyes wandered over a quite a few incredibly beautiful men with kind faces and seemingly docile demeanors… There were sooo many beautiful people there… Sheesh!!! Welcome to Hollywood and better yet West Hollywood, home of not just the beautiful, but the even more beautiful class of human, the GAY MEN!!! Primped, pruned, pumped, and sweeter looking and smelling than a bed of rose petals floating in sweet virgin water falling from the falls in Hawaii…
Did I score? No… I tried not to look and be on the prowl for a man, then I gave myself permission to look for fun, then I reminded myself when I don’t look is when I will find someone for me… I couldn’t help myself… I had quiet moments to listen to myself and it spoke to me… I heard the spirit of someone who is not fully developed and ready for a relationship yet… I also heard a spirit that complained that there are plenty of people who hook up and develop relationships and grow spiritually with their partners… I also heard that it may not be my story and to continue staying in the moment and be ok with whatever I do so long as I don’t pick up the drug or the drink….
The evening concluded with me staying til a little past 9P when the multi-tiered cake was lit and blown out by the Los Angeles Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence as well as the Editor of Frontiers. I took a piece of cake and ate it without a fork… I felt desperately lonely as people (from my perception) left in pairs and groups probably to have sex among other intimate relations since most of them left intoxicated… I walked over to the West Hollywood Recovery Center (just a few hundred feet from the less than sober event) to see if I could attend a meeting… There wasn’t one available… I proceeded to my car and drove home safely…
So, what a gift that I had the courage to walk into the event alone… I called my friend and kept him on the phone with me until I got in line and walked into the bar/restaurant… I stayed and enjoyed myself and had 3-4 coca colas and immersed myself in the company of many incredible people… I got to identify defects of character throughout the evening against myself and others: judgemental, self-loathing, assumptive, intolerant, discounting, withholding, people pleasing, not present, ungrateful, shallow, having expectations, cowardice, entitlement, envious, immature, playing the victim..
I also exuded character assets of forgiveness, and immediately replacing the above defects with the corresponding assets… Most importantly replacing perfectionism with appreciating the progress and how much courage I had to do as much as I did tonight and getting into practice of being in a social environment and “socializing!”
Anyway, these are just some of my thoughts from an evening feeling totally alone while sharing a room full of people…
Quoc
