SORE LEFT FIST...
My left pinky knuckle is really sore and bruised! Wow... I guess I have it in me to be the extreme opposite of dainty little fairy queen! Anyway, just thought I'd check in... No real deep words of wisdom! Just another warm day in southern cali... I really want to be at the beach! I have laundry going right now. My room beckons; my 4th step beckons; my overall current state of being beckons to be relieved of bondage of debt, lack of home, minimal monetary compensation from work, and just another sober bud to hang out with... Move into action... Move into solution...
As I was trying to convey from the other day's unsuccessful blog, Mel Gibson shared that "Pain is a great precursor to change." Positive conditioning reinforces a behavior that is already being practiced. Pain and suffering brings forth motivation to do something to remove oneself from that situation!!! My former counselor and father in sobriety shared with me: I will change if I am really tired of the situation or if the response from an action that ilicits a negative reaction... And if I am really tired of a situation, then I will change I will do something about it!!!
It's a mellow day... I really wanna take a car out and cruise up and down the coast, stopping to sit on the beach and watch the sunset while running my toes through the cool/warm sand.
I have already gone to the Grove at 3rd and Fairfax only to find that my appointment for a massage is not until tomorrow! Argh!!! The situation blessed me with another opportunity to spend time with myself.... I bought fresh vegetables, had breakfast, and enjoyed a morning out of the house being languid! It was refreshing!!! I am good company!
So, I give thanks for the things I have and affirm to move into solution today. I give thanks for today's blessings and just being able to spend an extraordinarily "ordinary" day in my life. For an addict of my kind, ordinary is a rarity; my head wants chaos, mayhem, conflict and complexities! I currently am blessed with serenity, peace of mind, and simple activities to do... Something I am not accustomed to, but I am learning to appreciate it and allow it to permeate my daily living...
MY SOLUTION = BRUISED KNUCKLE!!!
So, it's 2:45 PM at work right now... It's funny how one does not see the passage of time on-line... Especially, when I took the time to do a web-log last night only to have the computer crash on me when I was about 80% completed of composing the journal!!!
So, I will spare with all the details until I have an opportunity this weekend when I am not at work to really blog. All I am going to do is to write about what happened last night.
It was late, I had not blogged in a few days due to some dumb*ss sober housemates attempts to play with the computer and manipulate the program and software that they have no right to do so in the first place. Oh this caused for one of the computers to completely crash. The other factor is the other computer is also all messed up due to the same reason, but I didn't think the computer was completely disabled... Well, you know what the results stated above brought.
Suffice it to say, when the computer crashed, I went postal! I first socked the sofa in the media room about 4 feet away from me; that took some skin off my pinky knuckle and seriously bruised it. I also went outside of the house and vented by cursing and yelling really loud at nobody really. I really want resolution to this. So, because I didn't call anyone at 11:30 PM, I went by my own will and the result was not cute!!! Consequences, bruised hand and thankfully no one really that I need to make any amends to by saying anything hurtful to.
There is "A" solution!!! To go find another computer and utilize that one and find the means to access it and take the time to take care of me if it means enough. The other solution is to start making the move to find a new place to live outside of the sober living that I am currently in!!!
Anyway, my time to blog is very limited right now as I am at work... Hopefully I will be in a better place and have more dependable internet accessability in the future to come.
I give thanks for being able to move into solution... My sponsor gave me a great solution. To continue writing in my journal as well! Remember, as nice as it is for me to want to share with people around me and keep them abreast of what is going on in my life; it is more important for me to write in the journal and do this daily 10th step in learning more about myself and learning more of how to live clean and sober and also move towards serenity one day at a time.
Thank you for your patience folks!! Pray for me...
Highlights: my sponsee who was in jail got out and called me yesterday! Yayee!!! My other sponsee is MIA and hasn't called. I went to a great meeting where my dear friend "L" spoke. I stayed clean and sober and was able to maintain sobriety despite all the very emotional challenging week detoxing from my not taking antidepressants.
I give thanks!!!
Quoc@quoclam.com
I NEED YOUR HELP TODAY!!!
Hey, I am not one for being political and protesting and all that good stuff, but this one directly affects me!!!
Here is what I need you folks to do TODAY, Friday, July 30, 2004.
Call Governor Schwarzenegger at his Los Angeles Office and tell him:"My name is __________, and I am calling to ask Governor Schwarzenneger to exempt HIV/AIDS specialty pharmacies from the Medi-Cal pharmaceutical price reductions. The pharmacies support life giving services to people like my friend/brother Quoc who are living with HIV and AIDS."
Here is why: The Governor is scheduled to sign the California budget tomorrow, Saturday, July 31, 2004 and an URGENT action is needed today to help save AIDS Healthcare Foundation (AHF) pharmacy services. The Governor is planning on implementing cuts to Medi-Cal pharmacy reimbursements. These cuts will directly affect AHF pharmacy services. We want the Governor to exempt non-profit HIV/AIDS clinics with pharmacies from the Medi-Cal pharmaceutical price reductinos!!!Non-proft clinic based pharmacies with a strong commitment to the HIV/AIDS community, like AHF Pharmacies, will have to cut services or struggle to find additional funding to support HIV and AIDS care for people who have nowhwere else to go if cuts to Medi-Cal reimbursements go through.
Please call and support this effort!!! One phone call does indeed make a huge difference. Consider it me asking a favor of you to call and encourage your family and friends to call as well!!! It makes a difference.Thank you! It will not make the protest effort that members (like myself included) of AHF made at the front steps of Governor Schwarzenneger's Los Angeles State Building.
Governor Schwarzenner's State Office number:
213-897-0322 (Los Angeles)
415-703-2218 (San Francisco)
Thankfully,
Quoc@quoclam.com
BLOG ON HIATUS FOR A WEEK
Hey all... Sorry about not having blogged on a more consistent basis lately. The sober living I am currently staying at is having major issues on-line services for the computers. I am unable to blog at work either due to issues I would love to discuss when I get a chance to blog. I have been journalizing the conventional way, with a pen and paper. A whole lot has been going on! What a rollercoaster ride! Within the past 72 hours I have gone from close to considering taking my own life, to feeling really high on life and appreciating all the beauties that are around me. Again, there is an explanation for these extreme emotional and behaviors. Alas, I am unable to blog for lack of a computer with internet access.
I have to get back to work... Just thought I would send my love and thank those who continue to follow the on-going saga of my life.
Thankfully,
Quoc@quoclam.com
JUST READ MY OCTOBER 2002 ENTRY...
Took the time to read my first on-line blog/entry from: Saturday, October 12, 2002 12:23 AM. Wow... I do write well... I cried after reading it!!! CHECK IT OUT!!! I love myself.... I give thanks... I REALLY HAVE PROGRESSED SINCE 2 YEARS AGO.
ALL MY LOVE!!!!
Quoc
I WANT AN R&R DAY...
So, my sis' shared with me that she and many other folk actually keep up with the on-goings of my life... Cool!!! If you are reading this, I totally encourage you to post comments and e-mail your comments to me!!! Just acknowledging that these blogs are being read will greatly encourage me to go on doing this; eventhough, I am doing this for myself and my continued improvement the quality of each and every day I am blessed with.
So, I don't recall the last time I blogged, but because my work environment is getting more serious about enforcing minimizing the use of personal time and work related equipment and also due to the very very poor internet/cpu services being provided by the sober living I am currently residing in, it's been keeping me from being able to blog. I have been writing in my journal despite not blogging on-line, so life continues to be recorded and my daily 10th step, does not miss a beat.
Here are some highlights...
I received a wonderful phone call from my spiritual minister Reverend "K." That really was wonderful, I couldn't really chat because I was at work. More rules being enforced again in a response to the abuse and misuse of personal time being used at work (for the whole department).
I had the opportunity to be of service and really learn about my sobriety and take part in the sponsoring and being a spiritual guide for someone who has less time than me. Phew!!! Was I really like that???? Crazy!!! Dishonest, close-minded, and very very unwilling. What a handful; alas, at the end of each day, I give thanks that I remain clean and sober.
Weekend:
Saturday was spent waking up in preparation to speak at a meeting, but totally getting lost and overshooting my intended destination and ultimately landing myself at the Grove (3rd and Fairfax). I had the opportunity to spend time by myself and with myself and really enjoy it! I walked around and confirmed the health spa treat appointment that I have scheduled for the upcoming weekends. I walked around to/through the different shops stopping at Nordstroms to get myself a bottle of cologne and ordering a pair of black echo dress shoes for me to try out and possibly purchase ($165.00). OUCH!!! I have yet to decide upon purchasing those shoes!!! I bought myself a wonderful lunch and trekked back to my old recovery house for the HIV support group.
All the meanwhile, I am still going through the emotional rollercoaster onset by my bodies continued progression to find homeostasis from being off my antidepressants. It is gradually getting better. I stayed for the meeting and then went back home to my sober living thereafter, resting and doing laundry etc.... I also went to a meeting in the evening in Hollywood; my new habit of suiting and showing up for appointments and engagements that I promise to attend. I went to the meeting to visit with my sponsee... He did not show; instead, he probably went to the concert and did who knows what... Doesn't matter, again, he is showing me what can happen should I not place my sobriety first. I then visited with my friend "B." I was not feeling too good, but we had pie and chatted and then he took me home. I had been calling people in the fellowship all day long!!!
Sunday: Wake up to the knocks of my neighbor reminding me of a meeting that takes place on the beach!!! Wow, I found out about this a week earlier and really wanted to attend, so I woke up, and put myself together and went in the Sober living van and was transported with 4 other guys to the meeting at Venice Beach!!! Rocking meeting!!!! I really wanted to share.. I really want to introduce myself to others!!! I did not get an opportunity to share...
Here is my forum, I get to share now... Here is what I really wanted to share: That I was joking around about how nice it would be to hold a sober meeting on the beach!! Here it is!! I wanted to take a 1 year cake at this meeting because I really want this to be my only 1st year of sobriety and be able to celebrate consecutive years of sobriety thereafter. So, I wanted to take a cake for 1 year at the beach among such a wonderful group of people. The open participation topic for participation was what is going on with me and what is my solution... I wanted to share about giving thanks for the newcomers for coming in and coming back. I wanted to thank the old timers for being present... At the beach, surrounded by my higher power: G.O.D. = Group of drunks/druggies. A power greater than myself; a power that offers the solution to staying clean and sober one day at a time for me. The newcomer being the ones showing me that I have nothing to look forward to out there... That there is but "A" solution and that is in this fellowship and not out there. The old timer being the ones that stay and communicate to me to stay and seeing them with all kinds of accumulated sober time, I am compelled to believe that when I decide to stay one day at a time over a period of time, the blessings of life come and that there isn't anything more out there for me to go to.... Upon entering this fellowship, I came home.
This is my solution! If I have a question about whether I should go back out there and use one more time or not, the newcomer's recent experience will share and show me why they came here for help. If I have a question about why I should keep coming back and stay in this fellowship will be depicted by the old timers who have time and all the blessings that have come with their accumulated time.
Sorry, I think I just rambled a bit up there!!! Anyway, this Sunday morning meeting was powerful, although my group had to leave before the end of the meeting, upon departing in our van, I looked out at the seashore and saw the 100+ people stand, form a giant circle, hold hands and serenitize! WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT!!! I can't wait to go back out there next week!!!
Home to put my clothes in the dryer and wait for Mom, my sis "J" and her friend to take care of business in chinatown and then come by, pick me up and take us all back home to Bellflower. I can't believe my sis is going to be a senior this upcoming fall! I totally missed out on my sister's growing up... I am a bit saddened by this. I also was saddened by Mom's degenerating agility. She is much more jumpy, her eyes not keen, her body no longer as calm, and just aging... My mother has 40% visible grey hair... I am saddened again... I go home to enjoy some of Mom's wonderful home cooking. Her backyard has become yet another jungle again of cherry tomatoes, sweet basil, squash, mint, mustard greens, and all kinds of exotic asian vegetables... What an amazing green thumb Mom has.
I go out with my sis "C", sis "J" and friend "H" to the Long Beach Plaza's Sam's club and to Sports Chalet... I remained focus on my purchases. I bought what I needed for my Monday night coffee commitment evening. I also purchased a pair of strengh training shoes... I am totally amazed by the varieties of "tennis shoes" there are... Well, they are all still the same, but now the nomenclature has divided them up into classes of running shoes, tennis shoes, walking shoes, cross training shoes, basketball shoes, etc... Good Lord!!!
Home again and I gormandized myself on Mom's food = 3 1/2 bowls of rice with pickled mustard, bitter squash (actual name of vegetable), and pork bone soup!!! Yummy!!! I called a whole bunch of people from that time on through 6:30 PM when my sis "C" and I got to catch up with one another as she took me directly back home to my sober living...
I felt my privacy and stuff invaded by my roomy who decided to move my fridge up on top of my desk/tabletop and move all my stuff under the table. Guess he couldn't take the unsightly mess of papers, clothes and what-not. I will own up to my part, but he has no right to be tampering with any of my personal belongings and rearranging my side of the room!!! I didn't share that with him. Argh... I will move the fridge back down....
The rest of the evening was spent with a visiting member of sobriety "N" who chatted with me for the rest of the evening... I also was direct and curt with my sponsee "H." He has many plans; all of which do not move him forward into stabilizing his own life and build some structure so that his mind can be in a safe environment as free/protected from people/places/things that are poisonous to the newcomer's mind... He isn't willing to change his sobriety date. HE'S NOT WILLING. I basically gave him a suggestion, told him I love him, to call me the next day and that was that... I am not going to waste too much time listening to "his" plans. It's God's plan...
I only hope that I will not move into the space of "Holier Than Thou" especially in this period where the program really is kicking into high gear and I am on this spiritual pink cloud. I will pray tonight for humility and to remain humble, teachable, loving, willing, honest and to be of service...
I really feel I am behind on the 4th step (I AM!!!), the room is a mess, none of my pants dry cleaned, none of the necessary paperwork for move with my housing or roomate arrangements set up, none of my appointments set down on the calendar and a whole bunch of stuff strewn all over and under the table... I NEED A DAY TO REGROUP JUST FOR ME.
So, I will take a day of R & R tomorrow... I will pray to use it for exactly the above purpose. I want to move forward. I give thanks for this gift.
Quoc@quoclam.com
PS - I know I've rambled a bit on this journal blog. I give thanks for my sister's kind words about her and countless number of people who actually take the time to read-up on what is going on in my life!!! I continue to make mistakes, I continue to learn, grow and am willing to move towards the process towards perfection.. IN GOD'S TIME, NOT MINE; GOD'S WAY, NOT MINE... If it be thy will, not mine, be done.
I love you with all my heart, sis "C".... I am loved and love sooo many people... I give thanks for the ability to be sober enough to feel this.
TWO MEETINGS AND A SHOE SHINE
11:30 PM. It's really late and I need to get to bed ASAP. My ass is burning up cuz I did something really stupid for lunch. I put a whole container full of dried crushed peppers onto the pizza I ordered. I didn't think it would come back in a revenge sooo quickly!!! Talk about blowing flames out of my *ss! Sheesh! Sorry, I know that was an overshare...
Anyway, how did my day go? Well, I am really feeling the effects of wooziness and some sort of mental imbalance. My body really did adjust to the level of antidepressants in my system. I am getting these sudden shots of dizzy spells or goose bump spells every now and then and especially if I make any sudden moves or exert myself too much physically. May these symptoms go away in a week! It's scaring me.
I got a phone call from "J's" mother telling me that he didn't come home last night nor is he home yet. Ah well... I didn't get a call from my sponsee "H" either. Also, today, my other sponsee got sentenced in court. I don't know the outcome of that. It's really been troubling my addicted mind... I guess the TRUTH is that part which is the disease wants to join those guys and act out and use. The TRUTH is there is a level of attraction that I have towards these guys, but alas, they are but a shell; cute on the outside and really tore up on the inside! The TRUTH is that I really wouldn't mind having a willing sponsee that wants to be clean and sober and is willing to go to any lengths!
I went to 2 meetings tonight. I really WANTED to get out of my funk and WANTED to listen to someone who has sobriety share the solution, their solution with me. In doing that and in sharing at the latter meeting at the Van Ness Recovery House, I got an answer that brought serenity to my mind and peace to my body... Here is what I heard from my Higher Power...
"Quoc, let go and let ME be in charge and take care of you and those that are moving along the path of life. Trust that I want you sober Quoc; trust that I want those around you sober too. Here is the difference. You, Quoc are sober, not only because I want you to be sober, but YOU WANT TO BE SOBER TOO! I want those other people to be sober too, but in this given moment, THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE SOBER. They are not fully convinced that the path they lead that is not CONGRUENT with MY way and therefore, still has a way to go. Trust that I will take care of them and show them what they need to experience to find clarity and surrender to ME. Quoc, I am THE POWERFUL one, I effect consequences, you are responsible for the footwork. You've trusted your life and your will over to ME and have been blessed thusfar with 14+ months of sobriety, one day at a time... Now, trust that I will do the same for these people you pray for. There is a solution... There is always a solution. Sometimes it is death before they stop drinking and using, the ultimate solution of never picking up or drinking... They have the will and can make that choice."
"Yes, I know you have a lot of love to give, so today, I have opened your willing eyes to see that there are people around you that you may share your love; act out and love those people that are STAYING clean and sober just for today... For those who are out there, still love them, hold onto that love for when they have decided to finally come back to the rooms convinced that they are alcoholics."
"TRUST"
Wow... That is what I heard at the conclusion of tonights meeting. I give thanks for that message.... I shine my shoes and will show up for those who are part of the passing parade... Some will be passing in a coffin... This is one of the realities of the disease. I just don't have to be a participant in the parade...
Today, I give thanks for the message.
Quoc@quoclam.com
TODAY, I DON'T GIVE ENERGY TO HESITATION
Affirmation for the day: "Today, I don't give my energy to hesitation. I move forward boldly, with faith in my Higher Power." By Joan Larkin's, Glad Day (Daily Meditations for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people.
Cool!!! So, I can do foolish things, but I must remember to do them with enthusiasm!!! It's all a choice... Procrastination, efficiency... etc... motivated by fear, hope... etc...
LUNCH WITH MY SPONSEE..
I had lunch with my sponsee today... He was willing to call and then come over and visit with me for lunch. He's willing to a certain extent, but alas, half measures avail us nothing. One must be willing to surrender 100% to the program and be willing to listen to the sponsor or to the higher power's suggestions! Without that, one is more likely than not to succeed in staying clean and sober one day at a time.
So, I had suggestions for my sponsee to go back to the recovery house he left. His excuses: he will have to start all over again in the house; well, how does he explain starting over again, when he left right as he was starting to grow? Also, he mentioned the fact that he may have to do couch commitments until they let him back in again... He was really lazy in the house is what I heard. He wasn't willing to do the writing assignments in the house. He had a consistent habit of going into group late. He was not sharing any of these experiences while he was in the house with me. Upon given direction to just finish the journal and do what it took to stay in the house... he balked!
So, again, I am reminded by "J", "J" and my sponsor that I am powerless over another person's efforts to stay clean and sober. They are the ones keeping me clean and sober; whether my sponsee relapses or not, I get to grow from his actions! It's a sad but plain truth about the process of this disease.... Sigh... I pray for my sponsee's willingness to go to any length to stay clean and sober one day at a time to really find his "moment" and keep that "moment" alive so that he may never have to one up that moment with a worse yet bottom.
Anyway, what happened with me today? I have been in a groggy mood all day... I have been dizzy for a couple days... I attribute them to a few things:
1) I have a different set of glasses on
2) I am no longer on my antidepressants
3) I may be suffering from side effects of my HIV meds
4) I do have a cold and it may be affecting me adversely
5) Just this darn ol' hot weather affecting me!
I give thanks for my evening at the meeting! I was able to be of service, greet some new comers, say hello to some old timers, listen to my sponsor speak and share about his story and this time really hear his story in totality! And spend some time chatting with my sponsor and having a quick burger king dinner with him. I really love my sponsor! I give thanks!!! He's just another guy trying to stay clean and sober one day at a time and making efforts to do what it takes to stay clean and sober! What a great example!!!
What I totally relate with my sponsor? Our concept of a higher power... Spirit of the universe.... How I have always tried to be what another person wants me to be vs. just honoring myself as just me! The progression of my addiction... The gradual progression one day at a time so long as I stay willing, stay sharing, and continue with action...
Progress not perfection! I am beautiful my sponsor says... Thank you.. I claim that and own it for myself just for today... If not 100%, and if not 10%, then perhaps just 5% is good enough... Just for today...
Thankfully,
Quoc@quoclam.com
SNAPSHOT OF MY WEEK(END) (Parental Guidance Suggested)
So... I was going to set up my room. My old roomates "C" & "J" came by to visit with me today! That was sooo very nice. How'd my day start? Waking up all feeling groggy and tired from the icky weather and possibly from going to sleep so darn late last night from watching SouthPark the Movie, the uncut longer and whatever one... Anyway... My roomy woke me up to ask if I wanted to go with him to the car wash to get his car oil changed and the car washed. I'd promised to do it with him the day before and wasn't able to keep my commitment, so I had to right the wrong. I went... It was good to get out of the house. We shopped at the Thrift store and got some clothes for practically for free. I love the guy that I shop from at the thrift store. Then my roomy took me to the Van Ness House where I dropped off deodorant, highlighters and pens. Being of service to those who are willing to go to any lengths to stay clean and sober! Yayee!!! They really keep me clean and sober... Things to be thankful for.
Then I went home to greet my old roomies; they brought a collapsable desk for me! Yayee! Bless their generous hearts. I showed them around my sober living. I really adore "J"; it meant so much when he reached over and held my hand or was willing to touch me. I feel like I have scurvy or sometime with all the wreckage and craziness that I brought them through in my using days! They did nothing but continue to support and love me! That is what I is called being in God's grace despite imperfect self!
We got a chance to talk about what happened during my past and what is happening now with our lives. They have a new home; they have a couple fish named "Thing One" and "Thing Twoey" (there is a story behind this second fish! LOL); a dog; a cat; and each other! Life seems to be going well for them personal and professional! I will keep thanking my HP for continuing to bless their lives as IT does for so many of those I care about: i.e. "N's" mother who is suffering from cancer, my wonderful loving Sponsee "H" who is crazy out there but managing to go to meetings and church and willing to try a path that is different from using or drinking, my other Sponsee "D" who is in jail and will be due in court to be sentenced in the 20th of July; my two friends a new comer "J" and old timer "B" who are celebrating birthday's on the 20th and the 21st; my family; my sober housemates.... ad infinitum.
Anyway, I was able to chat with them some about what kind of craziness happened during my bottom! I heard some things about them hiding my car behind the driveway to make me feel better cuz I was paranoid and tweeking, or about the coming to pick me up from the gas station because I thought I was being chased after to be killed either by cops or by my using fairweathered friend "B." Such insanity! Wow... I guess I was kind of in a blackout! I got a really fresh reminder and flashback of what brought me into these rooms! Them sharing how they had to make the difficult decision to ask me to move out in 2 weeks in a last ditch effort to save my life and allow me to hit bottom!
Wow! What a visit! I have scheduled a dinner visit with the fellas in a couple weeks. I look forward to that. The rest of the day was spent basically sleeping from whenever to 5 or so. I was feeling nauseaus from my meds probably. My cold is not helping. The humid warm weather certainly is not helping. I got to hang out with my housemate bud "F" and go out for Ice Cream, walk around the 7th Street strip "pseudo fleemarket" and then to Food 4 Less. That was very fun! I really needed to get out of the house. I got a really cool Geoffrey Beene jacket that I really don't need, but for $10 for a $150 jacket, that was great!!! Anyway, I had a lot of fun hanging out with my sobering bud! He really ran the streets and did some crazy stuff! He shared a story about how he sold a car to someone; the car did not even belong to him! LOL. Wow!!! He really knew how to wheel and deal around these crazy people on the streets. All the sellers were clearly addicts and their distributors were the homeless people from the streets all tweeked out or cracked out and selling all their worldly possessions... I mean everything in a trashbag or a shopping cart full of clothes and other valuables for about $10-$20. Wow!!! Such insanity!!!
I had to make amends to friend "M" that I totally dissed and made a commitment to go out with him to the movies. Ooops! So, the mistake has been made.... Now what am I gonna do about it. I moved into action and apologized and promised to right whatever was wronged. That has been the day. The rest of the evening I spent calling people in the fellowship. I had missed at least 6 phone calls during the time that I took the nap! I got at least 3-4 "I LOVE YOU's" from people on the messages! I believe they really mean it!!!
My roomate is asleep right now at 9 PM or so! Sooo early and my room isn't even set up yet! Argh!!!
Anyway, what about the past week? It was long from Monday through Friday... I took Wednesday off because I needed a personal day to recuperate. I ended up finishing reading the book "Rainmaker" also by Grisham. I am starting on King of Torts and also The Brethren (loaned by my supervisor "K"). Friday I ended up hooking with some guy from the phone lines. We rented a motel in Hollywood and I had safe sex with him. It wasn't very comfortable because I really was not attracted to him and number two, I wasn't in a setting where a porn was playing or where I was high... I was not really connecting with this person beyond just physical and apparently, in sobriety now, I am unable to perform with just those variables! I need more to be able to find pleasurable intimacy.
He left, I stayed in the motel. I called my sponsor and a couple friends. I went out and took the #4 on Santa Monica going east then west getting my bearings and finally eating at a Carl's Junior. I returned back home to wait for my friend "D" to visit me at the motel. I had decided to stay the night at the motel, since it was a queen sized bed and also cuz it was air conditioned!!! My friend came over and wanted to play. It was around midnight by now and I had already turned in. I did read some of my book, but didn't even touch my 4th step! He wanted to play, I didn't want to play "with him."
My mouth opened and I suggested we go to a sex club. So we went!!! It was sooo scary for me to go in and pay and all that stuff... There was sooo much shame from being there and acknowledged as frequenting a place like that. I paid and went in. I was sooo nervous!! There were soooo many good lookers there!! I mean VERY GOOD LOOKING PEOPLE THERE! I went and barricaded myself in a stall with hopes that someone would just bj me through a hole. It finally happened and the guy turned out to be really hot! Funny thing is the connection I made with him. I was making out with him through a gloryhole! Holy Mother of God! Anyway, we chatted for a bit after getting each other off (my second time in the evening). Then I walked around some more and saw a good looking asian/latino that was just sitting there shirtless. I saw another white guy that was incredibly model beautiful get down on his knees and begin to service the asian/latino. I was able to sit right there and enjoy the sights. I even had the audacity to touch the white guy! He was beautiful! This went on for a while and attracted quite a crowd! Wow. Anyway, the white guy ended taking his pants off and got boinked bareback by the asian until the white guy came. I don't think the asian/latino came. I learned a lot about myself as a result of this experience.
My friend and I finally were done and he took me back to the motel and he went home. I proceeded to j/o 3-4 times to climax in the course of the evening to fantasies of what I had just visually witnessed. I definitely am interested in sharing this with my therapist come Tuesday!!! I want to further explore the nuances of what all was going on!
Here is what I got from the evening escapades experience:
1) That I had a flashback to my first experience with a beautiful man and the activities that went on. He was submissive, he wanted me aggressive, he pampered me and did not expect reciprocation. I realize I have been trying to recapture this experience throughout my gay days, recapture this incredible high... I was sober and fairly new to the whole gay scene.
2) That I was uncomfortable with the idea of those men barebacking not knowing each other's status and possibly risking a life changing experience all because of one sexual session!
3) Being very conscious about what was safe during the gloryhole scene.
4) Having thoughts of using, but not acting out on it and really enjoying the sober session; thus, greatly reinforcing my experiencing having pleasurable sober sex vs. sex while under the influence of a mind altering substance.
5) Yes, there is good bj's to be had!!! Better worded, bjs that are compatible with my own likings are really there!
***6) That I would not have been able to perform should I have been the asian/latino guy receiving that incredible pleasure from the submissive masculine and hot white guy! Why? Not because the opposing parties did not find me attractive because their actions already communicated that there was an attraction, but I would not have been able to perform because I would've been all concerned about acting/performing in a manner that I perceived would be what they expected me to do. I would not have been enjoying the session and just be comfortable with the idea of whatever is going to happen is going to happen and if the other party wasn't attracted to me, then the event would stop progressing if it didn't happen, and to just enjoy what was happening... Instead... I would be all concerned about trying to meet the other's expectations which by the way I am assuming and reading their mind. This would defocus me from just enjoying myself and become all self - conscious and defocused from the moment... Not staying in the moment... Not being comfortable in my own skin! It's not about anyone else... It is all happening internally!!! Wow...
I am not comfortable with my body, what I like, or what feels good for me and honoring that and acknowledging when there is an incompatibility as just a difference in what each party likes, vs. my perception that there is something wrong with me if they didn't like what was happening between the two of us. Different, not bad or wrong... Different...
I grow from this just a little more and give thanks that I have still more progress to make in continuing to love myself and love myself more with each passing day! Honoring myself, being ok with saying YES TO MYSELF by saying NO to other people! It's ok!!! Don't assume or read minds that they won't like me. If they do, that is on them. I did not mean it to be mean or I didn't like the opposing party. I meant to say it to take care of me; that is it. If they take it any other way, then that is on them. I will not expect perfection overnight. I just made progress from being able to experience what happened SOBER! I grew a little more by knowing more about what makes me tick and what about my homosexuality or identity that is not fully explored.
Phew... break... Saturday... I slept in, checked out... made an attempt to visit my sponsee at Men's Central Jail in Los Angeles. It's a 3 hour wait in blistering heat. I opted out. I went to the support group at my hold recovery house. Then hung out with my best sober friend "M" to Hollywood and Highland... We had Coldstone ice cream, watched IROBOT, had Starbucks, walked around Amoeba records, then went home... A full day! I really felt the effects Sunday - thus my feelings of fatigue. My compromised immune system requires rest!!!
So, I am ok... Life is good.. I give thanks!!! I am truly blessed... Through all this, I have been able to maintain a balance of meetings, personal time, and being of service. All of it while maintaining sobriety!!! Yayee!!! That is a success!!!
That is about it.... This is by far one of the longest entries, but I really grew a lot... I give thanks and look forward to more experiences in the future to come.. One day at a time...
Thankfully,
Quoc@quoclam.com
NIRVANA = BLOW OUT
If I am not at peace with myself, then a TRUTH is not being told. If I am not in a state of comfort in any given moment, then I am holding onto something and I am not staying in the moment and letting it go. That is the trick, to practice acknowledging the feeling and then being able to move towards the solution as opposed to wallowing in the problem and not letting it go!
Here is the other wonderful piece that I heard from a speaker this week; that if I am people pleasing, then I am being manipulative! Oh wow! PEOPLE PLEASING = MANIPULATION. It makes sense, I am people pleasing and not being honest and honoring my needs. Instead I am deceiving that person as to how I really feel and would like to respond to the situation by acting in a way that is what they want to see or what they want to hear effecting "they will like me" solution. So, I want them to like me and therefore, I feel the need to act in a manner that is compatible with what they want to see or expect.
PEOPLE PLEASING = MANIPULATION = DISHONESTY = LOW SELF ESTEEM = FEAR = "the dark side" HEHE....
Anyway, thought I would share these two things! I really liked the lesson!!! Yippee!!!
I've been doing ok.... A lot of life happening... Very busy living life and some time to log what is going on... This is exactly what I've prayed for and this is exactlyn what I've received!
Quoc@quoclam.com
Owning up to my part...
Ok, so this is completely petty, but I am very irked by my supervisor just telling me that my using the cell phone for personal calls has to stop. Oh my gosh!!! She does it, the rest of the Staff does it; catch is, doing it discretely and not being caught! She suggested I do it on my breaks (I rarely take a break beside for lunch) or off the clock. Anyway, I am a bit sore about this and I am not sure if the suggestion/observation is stemming from just her own experience or from the people that I work with in the office. She did make the remark after supposedly reading an e-mail on the CPU.
Ok, here is the uncomfortable part; the program suggests that if I am to find serenity and stay clean and sober and live and let live, all I need be concerned about is:
1) owning my part
2) making right whatever has been wronged
3) not take the contructive criticism personally especially not take it as an attack to who I am (I made a mistake, I am not a mistake)
4) stay in the moment and move on after making right the wrong
So, I will take breaks when taking and making personal phone calls or at least be much more discreet about what is being discussed when I am on a personal call and be mindful of who is around me. I must remember that when I am at work, I am being paid to work and not do personal things.
Yes, I am a true addict/alcoholic to need to address this "simple" matter on a journal! I am thankful I am willing to address matters as such in efforts to progress towards resolving matters that may be much more challenging in the future to come.
Thankfully,
Quoc@quoclam.com
PS - Brad, this website is rockin' more and more!!! Don't think I am not noticing the little changes you are making in making life easier for me or allowing me to be much more creative in my journaling process! I bow to the great webmaster
Brad@bradheld.com!!!
I DON'T WANT TO BE LEFT BEHIND...
So, here are the highlights for the day... I took the last 1/2 of my happy pill!!! That is it... Tomorrow, it's just my HIV meds... It's still 3 + 1 twice a day! So, that is exciting! I started on them since February/May of 2003. Yep, before I even came into sobriety! Sheesh! I was seeing Dr. "G" (Psychiatrist) at Harbor UCLA. The day was hot... I got a lot of work done. I am very thankful for that! What else? I am not accustomed to the change in pace from insanity and chaos to just a lull of the everyday mundane office activities! Lots of troubleshooting. Again, there is a big task ahead of me. I look forward to the work that I still get to contribute to the Department. Then, I went to Rite Aid and spent $20.00 for a razor and extra cartridges for my sponsee... That crazy ass! LOL... He's trying... I love him... He really means well... I was there at one point. I can't do anything less but pray for him and love him and be supportive of him. He is a splitting image of who I was and in some aspects who I still am!
What kind of stuff did I hear? That he is slothful (lazy). That he has been late to group. That he doesn't do his journals. That he isn't sharing with me. I heard all this from his house counselor. Oops... How embarrassing for him. The great thing that my sponsor said really well... There is no affecting me because, when I leave the house, I don't carry the problem with me. He still gets to keep it.
My sponsor also shared with me that trying is not "doing." Trying only says that I already have doubts about succeeding. So, do is what I need to do.
I had yet another good session with my therapist. I was just sharing about stuff... I think we were both shooting in the dark trying to figure out where the other person was headed or trying to get to! LOL. Either way, the very thing that my therapist was trying to link led to something by the end of the session that came out of nowhere really... BULL EYE!!!
I said that I don't wanna fall behind... I don't wanna be left behind. I don't want to be the last one standing.. Alone... Unloved... Unwanted... Undesired... Unnecessary... I broke into tears. I also shared another comment at the conclusion of our talk when I praised him for hitting a soft spot and drawing tears from me. I told him that he's getting better!!! I meant that jokingly... I then said something that my therapist remarked as powerful. That I hope in the future that I can say the same thing about myself that I shared with him: that I am getting better.
So, I don't know where tonight's conversation really went. I was talking about my fear of possibly being unintentionally disengenious. I don't think that I am, but I wanna keep my therapist aware that I may be subconsciously doing these things to self sabotage! I am again forgetting to just do my part as a client and let him do his job as a therapist and leave the consequences and the results up to God's job.
It's late and I am tired... I have more to share, but I will dispense with it another day... I am full....
Quoc@quoclam.com
ACTION ACTION ACTION!!!
So, a big character defect that I have is "lack of action." So, I've already established that with my therapist a week or 2 ago... That I have both the fear of failure, the fear of success, and the fear of change... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, I am a wreck!!! On a question where one is only privileged to one answer out of the multiple choice question, I would force "d" all of the above!!! That is currently what I believe to be the TRUTH of who I am and where I stand in my life.
Remember yesterday's plan of action? Well, it all went according to schedule! I went and escorted my beloved Vannettes around Hollywood and Highland. We just strolled around. The guys were frustrated by walking around and not having any money to buy anything. Boy do I agree with that feeling!!! I was able to touch bases with each of the fellas with regard to where they were and was able to share about where I was. I learned from each of the Vannettes about if in doubt, ask for help and for directions! Thank you "M" for that lesson! And also, another Vannette, "S", checked me on just wanting to fix by spending money on just frivolous unnecessaries! I love it!!! I am in the right place and indeed I am with the right people!!!
After going home, I decided to take a nap from 6-7PM before commencing upon cleaning up my room and working on my 4th step... Next thing I know, I woke up at 11:15PM! Argh!!! Ok, my body was indeed tired... I feel really guilty that I did not get my paperwork for housing with "R" with Project New Hope. Not only that, I didn't get a chance to clean up my room, nor did I do anything else for that matter.
I prayed last night and this morning, turning my will and my life over to the care of my Higher Power! So, maybe I have already been blessed with willingness. Maybe the ball is now in my courts and it's up to me to act on it! The door has been unlocked and the door even held ajar for me... Now it's up to me to push the door and walk through! So, I will be gentle with myself as I am very hard on myself and very self-critical!
I reaffirm to just do a little each day and give thanks for what I have done each day! I will continue to do my best... That is all I can humanly do!
Action, action, action!!!
Quoc@quoclam.com
P.s. - I received a wonderful e-mail from a former stranded traveler from England. Thank you for the very kind remark about my web log. I would love to stay in touch with you so I may have a tour guide should I decide to travel out to Great Britain in the future to come. I am very envious that you were able to travel to sooo many places!!! Wow, what a whirlwind of an adventure you must have had! I counted no less than 10 states that you went to in a very short period of time! Best wishes to you and safe journey as you continue on your path with life... Again, thank you for your very kind remarks about my "eloquent" writing...
EVEN STEVEN WITH EVERYTHING
Yayee! I am so very thankful that I am even with everything. I paid my Mom back on the loan I took from her a couple weeks ago. I have money put to the side for my sponsor that he paid for my lunch from about a month ago. I have purchased the books that are from the VNRH treasury for the Thursday night meeting. I will pay my cingular bill for both my sis and I for the month of July. I will have some money put to the side to pay for the citation that is keeping my driver license suspended! I have enough money to sustain me until I get paid again in two weeks.
I will be of service and chaperone some Vannettes to Universal City Walk. I will come home and assemble the paperwork for Project New Hope's Housing. It's only been over 3 months since my paperwork has been due. I only hope it will be still valid if I send it in the mail by tomorrow morning. I will call "R" in hopes that he says I am still active! Lastly, I will place my 4th step as a priority for the evening for 3 hours!!! Yes, 3 hours to be devoted to doing the fourth step!
I will call my sponsee brother and inform him upon starting my 4th step and then call him again upon completion...
Things are ok just for today... It's been a wonderful weekend! I am taken care of in this given moment... I am here to enjoy myself!!!
Thank you LIFE!!!
Quoc@quoclam.com
BELATED BLESSED HOLIDAY WEEKEND
Wow... Did I enjoy my 9th of July!!! I woke up nice and late and got up to go to chinatown to get money out of my bank account!!! Yayee!!! I finally got paid today!!! Wahoo!!! I went to get a haircut... Ate vietnamese food at a restaurant and bought some to go for eating later in the day... I then went directly to my Dr. appointment and got a follow-up with where I am with my health. My viral load is over 400 (450?) yayee!!! My cd4 is at 58; that is just above non-detectable. Better than 750,000 a few months back!!! I am still suffering from "bloating" and seldom fits of diarhea... I guess it is acceptable for now.
I then visited with my psychiatrist and got the go ahead to take my anti-depressants to 1/2 a pill a day for the next week and go off it starting next week! It's been over a year since I've been taking these antidepressants. It really has been working... So, that is one less med I have to take.
I went home and took a nap til 4:30P/5PM. Then my new sponsee from July 7, 2004 called to say hello... I napped until 5:45 PM and went over to visit with him from 7 PM - 8:30 PM. That was my meeting! We had a great visit with one another... I really grew a lot from the exchange. He seems willing; he's new but willing... I am very proud of my sponsee.. I gave him direction to read the following affirmations in front of the mirror once a day: It's not your fault; I am sorry; I forgive you; I am proud of you; I love you.
I felt incredible after leaving the recovery house from where my sponsee is staying... I love my sponsee... I love my sponsor... I called my friend "B" and asked him to hang out with me. He drove out from B.F.E. and got to my sober living just a little after I got home from taking public transportation... It took me about 1/2 an hour or so to get home... I ate my vietnamese "to go" meal and then hung out with my "date." Yeah, I really felt like tonight was a date... It felt really good hanging out with him and seeing a car show up in burbank... Then having dinner afterward... Chatting and just listening to him educate me about classic cars... I got to see a Ford Model T! Cool! I got to see some really cool cars!!!
I am very comfortable around "B." He's good company... It's refreshing to have someone I can just be myself and bum around with... It's really sucky that we live sooo far from each other. I just don't want feelings hurt from expectations... In this given moment, I have no expectations... I am starting to fall in love with myself... I am really getting to know me and what I like and what feels good for me... I am thankful for the therapy I am getting...
I just don't want to lead anyone on because I really don't know where in the hell I am with my relations with people... I am like a tot that is barely learning to walk... Taking a few steps, smiling and enjoying it, and before I know it tumbliing to the ground again and getting scared... But with each time I get up, I feel more confidence and take more steps forward... I give thanks for that... I need only be concerned with my side of the street and stay honest... I need to learn to be intimate with other people spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, before I get into the physical realm... I want to know that I am appreciated as a person vs. a slab of meat.
Anyway, I've had a great day! I look forward to the day to come...
I give thanks for such a blessed day....
Quoc@quoclam.com
SCARED INWARD...
Hey all... It's 11:32 pm... I finally get tomorrow off as my Holiday! Yayee... I am planning on getting a haircut... I am planning on going to my Dr. and Psychiatrist appointments for follow-ups... Maybe the psych will take me off my meds! I am very very tired... The meeting tonight was good... The speaker wasn't all that, but the shares by other people really had me jiving... Just hearing about what is going on in other people's lives... Getting out of myself... hearing about how they are managing to stay clean and sober just one day at a time!
On the way over to the meeting, I ran into someone who had just left the recovery house. I stayed with him and chatted and listened and sat with him. I offered some sugestions, but he still wanted to do things his way... Lack of willingness... All I can do is just keep myself sober and watch the passing parade... My "S", "D", and "J"??? Then on the way home from the meeting, I ran into a couple of my former recovery housemates... They shared a horrific story of what went on with a couple of long-time residents just about ready to graduate... Ending up leaving the house... Oh my gosh!!! "G" and "Mc"...
Walking from work over to the meeting, I called my counselor from my former recovery house and broke down and cried... I shared with him about where I am with my life and how I am scared about relapsing and where I am with my stepwork... He told me it's ok and that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and that I am feeling this way because I've opened pandoras box! Now, I just have to continue and work through it... I also shared about how I've been acting out and how I haven't been doing things that have been very healthy for me. I needed to hear from my former counselor that everything is going ot be ok... Ya know what he said? "Everything is going to be ok." I love my former counselor.
Just prior to that, my sponsor gave me directions to tell the next guy that comes onto me and rubs up against me that "I am not interested" or "No thank you." My sponsor told me to read there is a solution in the big book a couple days ago. I willingly did that! I am willing at least... I am very hard myself... My sponsor reminds me to be gentle with myself. I am very very blessed to have a sponsor who gives a damn about me... I still feel like I am a waste of time and dunno why my sponsor bothers sometimes with me, cuz I feel like I keep making the same mistakes over and over... And that he's gonna get fed up one day and go MAN, you will never change no matter how many times I tell you something and that I need to get another sponsor!!! EEEK... Instead, he loves me... He's gentle with me. He explains what's going on with me....
I give thanks for that... I give thanks for my sponsee asking me to sponsor him tonight.. His name = "H" Hopefully he'll stick around... In talking with one of my old friends but constantly new in recovery "A" I shared with her that I can't keep anyone sober. All I can do is just share my experience strength and hope and just be an example and need not be anything else but myself... Just tell it like it is... Be honest...
Sigh... It's sad to see sooo many people go out and just drop like flies and be injured and lives and spirits drain from them... I continue to stay willing and do the best I can in working the steps... WORKING THE STEPS... ACTION!!!
Thankfully,
Quoc@quoclam.com
PS - I went to visit Keithcam.com only to find that his site has been closed for good... I am totally heart broken!!! Will I ever get to meet him? I am sooo saddened!!!
GOOD OR BAD, THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS...
Excerpt from my spiritual reading for the day; it's a good affirmation to make!!!
"Today, I face pain directly. I don't prolong it by trying to avoid it."
It gave the example for an addict like me to prolong the pain (discomfort) by fixing it with unhealthy (non-self-loving) sex, drugs, or other self-destructive behavior.
Yes, I can totally identify with that!!! I give thanks for the ability to acknowledge and grow from each experience...
Today, I remember to thank myself, tell myself that I am proud of myself, forgive myself for mistakes made, and accept and love myself today.
I love me... I accept myself, just the way I am and just the way that I am not.
Quoc@quoclam.com
TO GO OUT OR NOT TO GO OUT... THERE IS NO MIDDLE ROAD.
I received a phone call from my sponsor tonight... It's the first night I think since I've started going to my Monday night recovery meeting that I have missed one. Of course it would be the one that my sponsor would go to! When I didn't make it there. So, I shared with him that I almost went out and used last night... He told me no... I either did or didn't. It's like saying I am kind of late, or I am kind of pregnant, or I am kind of dead... I either am or I am not! My sponsor shared that I can only live one day at a time. The end result of yesterday was that I did not go use! If I really wanted to, I would have sought it out. I had the blessed help of my Higher Power by placing safeguards along the way as I ventured out. The feelings that I have are of not accepting my sexual self... Not feeling ok with having sex. Again, if I did not breech what is suggested on page 69, then I am ok! If I did and I didn't use, then the day was a success!!!
My sponsor suggested that I read chapter 3, there is a solution! I love my sponsor. I trust my sponsor. I am thankful that my sponsor tolerates me and loves me despite my insanity and my trudging!!!!
My deadline for the fourth step is on the 7th. I am not completely done with my 4th step yet, and I will not count my chicks until they hatch, nor will I give up for dead what I don't know will happen in the future to come. All I really have is to stay in the moment.
What all happened this weekend? In a nutshell, I was a very very productive and trusted member of the organization, entrusted to put together a very thoroughly written grant application worth over 1/2 million dollars and did it to the best of my ability and did it without stressing out or tripping or trippin' over making a mistake! :-)
Things to be thankful for! Progress not perfection... I am thankful that I have people who e-mail me now and then and I am thankful for those who do read it and keep up with my life and pray for me and send me love and keep me in their prayers without my even knowing!!!
Thank you to you all! You know who you are... I love you folks and truly feel blessed to have you in my life!!!
It's time for beddy-bye... It's been a full day... I missed my day dose of HIV meds because I forgot to bring them this morning. How does it feel? Great!!! Why? No gas, no diarrhea or any other gastrointestinal problems! But the long run is that my HIV gets a handle on me and starts taking me out! Ah well... Back on the meds tonight... I really would like to have a change in regiment... As effective as this regiment is working in keeping my viral load down to undetectable and my T-cell count continuing to raise everyday, the side effects are truly adversely affecting the quality of my day to day living.
Sorry about not keeping tabs on my activities in the past days... A lot has happened, I have put pen to paper... Some things I guess I am still ashamed of sharing... All I need do is puke it out and not keep it a secret and know that I am not perfect, nor making mistakes makes me a bad person!!! I must deflate my pride!!! Put it out there...
Just for today, I forgive myself and I will not beat up on myself... I have major issues with making the decision and choosing to be comfortable with my sexuality and what I like, desire and want... Sigh... My sponsor is sooo right...
So, what am I going to do about this recurring theme??? Pray... ask for help.... continue sharing... and work a little each day to move into action and getting into the solution... As my counselor from my recovery house shared: I will change, when whatever is not working is bothering me enough or affecting me to the point where it won't work anymore if I don't do something about it... Now the decision is up to me to nip it in the bud while it's still developing and festering... or will I let it get to a point where I will become desperate and move into action when it engulfs me!!!
As an addict, probably the latter, but I pray that I move closer to prevention rather putting out a fire...
Thankfully,
Quoc@quoclam.com
