IN THE GREY...
It's 10:36P... I am exhausted... I've had a whirlwind of a day... Thanks for your support and honest responses with my predicament... I dídn't preface the last blog that I did report the incident to the HR department, just prior to the incident with the Director in the presence of my immediate supervisor.
I haven't slept well... I am stressed out... I didn't eat too much today... My routine is completely thrown off... I am feeling the ill effects of someone's abuse towards me. I am giving into the fear of someone who is a bully. My sis said it right by saying not to give into the bully... My sponsee sister told me that she didn't like bullies and when one stands up to a bully, they back down. My baby sister considering her comment about not having a job gave some really sound advice!!! Many other friends just listened.... Right now, I just need to continue to show up, tell the truth, be truthful and factual in communication with whatever is going on. I am trying to keep the commentary, feelings and all the other colorful stuff I write in blogs to a minimum in my documentations of what has transpired. I did get some work done...
It started off with me waking up just not feeling like going to work... I woke up early and couldn't get back to sleep even if I wanted to. I was not looking forward to going to work. I wrote out all that had transpired yesterday... I sent the e-mail. At the conclusion of writing that out, I got all scared again. I immediately called and asked to speak to the HR Director. I explained that I did not feel safe going into work. She told me that she will inform the Director's boss and will get back to me as soon as possible. By 11:30A, I felt the need to go into the office and go do my job. I have a job to do despite my feelings. Boy, this is really taking every ounce of courage I have in me to suit up and show up!!! I informed the HR Director that I am going into work because there is so much going on for World AIDS Day. I asked a stupid question as to how to defocus from my discomfort. "Do your work" was her advice.
On the way to work, I called a bunch of people to check in... I called newcomers and others to talk a little and check in... I can't say too much about other correspondences just in case of the HR investigation go so deep as reading my blogs... I don't know if this is the smartest thing to do putting this out there into the internet... hmmm...
Suffice it to say, I am prepared for any future encounters with the Director. I snuck by her corner office and walked to my office. I am glad her door was mostly closed. I heart jumped and I got anxious everytime I heard the clacking of someone's shoes thinking it was her walking down the hallway to GET ME! Very scary. I got some work done and delegated. I tried to keep everything shared to a minimum... This is one huge defect I get to work on... GOSSIPING or just sharing about what is going on with me... I need to share with some people as I have been with friends, family and my sponsor who are not at work... I need some way to vent and bring down my anxiety, fear and concerns!!! I am proud of staying at work... I didn't see her for the rest of the day. I am assuming sometime in the afternoon when she left is when she was probably called in by HR to inform her of what all has been reported. Let's see what happens from this point with comparing my version of the story from her version.
SCARY!!! I am not very smart with conveying things in a fashion that is compelling and convincing of where I am coming from. All I know is to tell the truth to the best of my ability with the amount of experience under my belt. I really feel I am outgunned from experience... I am truly trusting that God will take care of me and Karen and all parties for acting with integrity...
This world doesn't operate on what is "fair" though. That is why there are such terms as bureaucracy, red tape, politics and probably why there are as many laws that address the very thing that I am going through... I just have to do my best and let the results take care of themselves.
I came home from the clinic listless... I need to declutter my room, work on redoing my 8th step and even taking time to give myself a nice warm bath! The weather is blistering cold... My home despite a little messy is warm, inviting and coming together as a home. I truly am starting to believe that one's home and surroundings is a good indication of how one's mind and internal organization is. In this case, my life and my mind is still a little cluttered, but for the most part, organized, warm, inviting and habitable! Short of a recliner couch, I would be able to invite guests over to visit and sit and enjoy the evening with in my home... Yayee...
Sorry, I digressed... It was nice to lose myself in my home for a moment... But I am sure you wanna know where I am mentally... So, here is the grey area that I am stuck in... Oh goodness... Don't tell an alcoholic who has alcoholic absolutism (black and white thinking) to walk through grey areas and to make a decision that is not clearly laid out before me... None of my support group was able to offer me any kind of sound and clear advice. None of my support group admire what I am going through. This includes my all-wise and all knowing sponsor!!! The decision is up to me... I am not even sure God has the answer. I think it is because there is no right or wrong answer in my current predicament... I have to just weigh the pros and cons and make a decision that makes the most sense and just do it and not regret it and accept the consequences and walk through it and trust that whatever will transpire will add to my utility belt of experience to share with others in the future or for my own use in future experiences that are similar to this.
Here are my options...
1) To call the other agency and tell them the truth of what is going on with my current position and see if the position is still vacant and if yes, if they will re-extend the offer to me. The pros of doing this is that I will be spared from working with the witch of a Director and get to start fresh with another agency that is much more family oriented and seemingly supportive. I would be doing 1/2 the work and have no supervisory role. I would be making a little more money... I get to start fresh with an agency that is not so big that there is all this bureaucracy and red tape...
2) To stay and ride out whatever is going to happen between the Director and myself. Apply for the training position and have an opportunity to ascertain the job of my dreams and become a training manager of new HIV testing counselors. The risk I take in staying is that I may get transferred or fired. Things can turn sour with a twist of the story from opposing party and my version of the story won't be credible. I may end up having to endure 6 more weeks of working under the Director of which will cause me unnecessary physical, mental and emotional harm and consequently directly affect my t-cell count and my overall well-being... It is known that STRESS AND THE LACK OF REST ARE THE NUMBER ONE OFFENDERS OF PERSONS LIVING WITH HIV. It may turn out that not much will be done to discipline offending parties and I will turn out being disappointed in the agency and how they handled the matter. Then I really wouldn't want to work for this agency.
It's scary that underlying everything that is going on with my current work environment that a lawsuit is actually realistic with improper treatment of this situation and acts of retaliation. I would very much like everything to smooth over... I don't know the best way... I don't know...
I need God's help more than ever... I am going to to take it one day at a time... I am going to pray day and night... I am going to stay clean and sober... I am not going to do this alone... I will continue living my life and be of service, go to meetings, work my step, build my home, and make friends and have fun... I am going to be courageous, brave, and walk with integrity... I will not rent my emotional space to anyone that is detrimental to my well-being... I will try not to play victim and take things personally... I will try to remain optimistic, hopeful, faithful, and take on the role of a victor!!! I ask God to help me leave work at work and not bring it home... To melt away the stresses of another persons drama and negative energy from me and not take on their burden, the consequences of their mistakes, not claim ownership to another persons faults and errors.
No matter what happens, I will walk through this experience with a bundle of experience and stories to tell for years to come!!! Tomorrow will be key to how the rest of this story plays out as I trust that by now the Director has been informed of my documentation and the complaint I have filed and what actions will take place to remedy this situation... Tomorrow will be key to my making a decision to stay or ask the other agency to reconsider their offer to accept me into their team.
I would like to know that each day that I am granted on this planet is lived fully and not with regret that I may have pissed it away with negativity and grief and stress and lack of gratitude and angst and as I said... REGRET!!! I don't want to regret the day that passed... How can I seize it so that each day that has passed will not be looked upon with remorse and regret and should'ves...
God, please help quiet my head long enough to hear your whispers in my heart. Please help me find clarity and the path to walk that will best allow me be of maximum service and serve Your Will. Help me think and act with Thine will and mine be one.
Very truly yours,
Quoc
AT WAR!!!
Oh God help!!! Have you ever placed yourself in a position where you feel like you've put your foot into some really really really thick mud; you can't turn around and just pull your foot out. The only way out of it is to walk forward through the mud to the other side.
Right now, it feels like I am walking through fire & brimstone with sharp shards of glass. Ouch!!! It's incredibly uncomfortable, but certainly not unmanageable and I feel a sense of peace about it because for the most part, my side of the street is clean.
So, who am I at war with? My Boss at work. Unfortunately, she happens to be the Director of the Department. How did an incredible week full of hope, gratitude and smooth sailing, laughter, fun, friendship, family, camaraderie, thanksgiving, rest, serenity, solution, and being on cloud nine turn sooo very sour? I will write a blog updating you of all the wonderful things that have happened in a blog on another day.
Right now, allow me to tell the story of how all the stuff went sour! In the past months, and general history of where I currently work, I have been at odds with the Director who is brilliant in so many ways except for the mere fact that she does not manage people well... She comes off condescending, dismissive, mocking, intimidating, threatening and at times justifiably called a tyrant! She really does the character Miranda Priestly from "The Devil Wear's Prada" perfectly and to a T!
Anyway, enough character assassination. God knows I can write a whole novel about from start to where I am today with my current work situation! Oh the stories!!! So, last month as a result of a pep talk that she made regarding telling us that we "create our own reputation" and that we are the makers of our misery or success. Also the comment about "the Company comes first, the Department comes second and we the lowly employees come last." There was no follow up statement regarding her role as Director in supporting us and doing her job to place us first so that we can place the mission of our department first. One of them is indeed Healthcare! Some of us, it applies that healthcare for those living with HIV! Like me... I was very disheartened. There were a series of decisions that were made very very very very contrary to the majority of the department staff, to undermine certain manager decisions and all without justifying or explaining why. Again, she didn't need to, but it probably could've been handled better so that her staff (me) feel valued and included in the decision making process.
With these laying heavy on me and those few run-ins I had with her and growing into a man who no longer gives into people pleasing and fearing chaos and avoiding conflict, but in doing so condoning for actions that are very very contrary to a foundation that promotes healthcare!
I opened myself to outside opportunities. An opportunity did present itself and I applied and walked through the process and was quickly accepted. I shared honestly with the acting Associate Director who I have established a real friendship with. I am able to share honestly with him about what is going on with me. This is a relationship that I rarely encounter with my supervisors. I have been very fortunate to have wonderful role models for immediate supervisors who really bring balance to the challenge of the negative energy the Director cultivates. So, I shared honestly with him and he has been nothing but supportive, loving, and very encouraging.
Reasons why I wanted to leave the current company I work for. I am being burned out at work. I am working all kinds of crazy hours. The compensation isn't all that great for the contributions I am making. Also the Director is just creating a hostile work environment for myself and my colleagues. I love what I do, I love my co-workers, I have stayed because I love the mission and the clients that I get to help serve. I love the field of work I am doing and have grown to be quite good at doing it!
Reasons that motivated me to stay; an opportunity opening up for me to be a training manager of a new program for training new counselors. Also, the fact that the Director is leaving in the 2nd week of 1/2007. I prayed about it, did pro & pro lists, and talked to my sponsor, my colleagues, friends, and people in my recovery meetings. I wanted to make a decision that is in line with being of service to others and not just completely self serving. I was convinced to stay. I wrote the letter with my sponsors help declining the position offered to me by the other agency and mailed it off this past Monday morning. I made a phone call thanking them for the opportunity, but I am gambling on the chance that I may have an opportunity to make my dreams come true and start a lifelong career in becoming a trainer... or in my words the next "Ed Wolf."
Upon arriving to work Monday afternoon, the Director nonchalantly walked by and asked to meet with me. I thought it was to address her departure. She was kind enough to ask about my time off and shared about how excited she is about her new adventure in life. I am very happy for her. She then launched into the point of why she called me in... Why I was leaving... Why I was manipulating the Associate Director... Why I am creating and cultivating and environment of judgement, hate, and anything that is of service to my colleagues. That was sooo darn presumptuous and hypocritical of her! She started in on cross examining and picking apart little things and picking at my nerve endings... She wanted to know a clear reason why I wanted to leave in the first place and then what made me decide to stay. After her constant poking and bullying me and upsetting me, my emotional self uttered the absolute TRUTH without sugarcoating or anything... I said, "I made the decision to stay because you are leaving."
Okay, is the above the absolute TRUTH? Yes. Was it handled and delivered in the most tactful manner? No. Was it the best I was able to give her given her bullying and intimidating, demeaning, mocking, and just consistent berating of me? Yes. I am proud of the fact that I spoke the TRUTH to someone that I felt fearful of and needed to people please to keep her in my good graces. I was fed up and no longer saw any incentive for people pleasing her. This is when she "called me on my stuff" because I did the same...
All of a sudden, this became personal and an attack. Wait... What was the point of this meeting? I got a sense she knew what was up and was just wanting to pick a fight. I think I am one of the first "subordinates" to stand up for himself and just tell the TRUTH... The truth stings and hurts. I get that, but her retaliation is NOT! She really mucked up my day with her response. I was distracted for the rest of the evening... I felt like she was going to sabotage me and put my current job in jeopardy. She insinuated that if she had anything to do about it that I would not have the Training Manager's position. That I was "unwelcome." Strong and hurtful and very very personal attacks that were very very immature and uncalled for.
In sharing with my sponsor I learned the following lessons: there is no such thing as a friendly conversation with your co-workers and especially with your supervisor. Also to be very very careful about who I share what with and that my naive trust in people is indeed innocent but is getting me in trouble. I must be very cautious with who I share what with. Sigh...
Tuesday, November 28, 2006... I had composed documentation of all that had happened the day before and also composed a letter with the help of my sponsor to speak to the bigger issue at hand about what transpired yesterday. I was debating whether to actually report it. On the way to work, I saw the HR Director walking on the sidewalk back to the building. That was my sign to face fear with courage and not cowardice and set boundaries and report this. I did so and went to work. It was uncomfortable, but I felt confident that I laid everything out very factually and not feeling oriented.
Upon arriving to work, I was again confronted by the Director who rarely greets people with good morning. She said good morning. I softly said hello. She didn't hear and took it to the next level. She snapped at me sternly and said it's innappropriate and not mature not to respond when she said good morning. She said good morning again and gestured for me to say good morning. I complied. I documented this.
Later in the day around 2P, right as I was walking to a meeting in preparation for World AIDS Day, the Director called me into the conference room with my immediate supervisor as witness. She made this a space for her to vent her anger and frustrations. She was very very inappropriate, threatening again, and waved her "Director" muscles claiming that she is the final deciding factor in all matters regarding the department. She told me that she is enforcing disciplinary action for the comment I made... Something to the effect of insubordination. My sponsor disagrees. I was just telling the truth. She has the support of people in the agency and she can rescind her resignation at any time... She again reiterated and alluded to who she wants to place in the Training Managers position again discouraging me from applying... At this moment, I had a blistering headache, I was feverish, my hands were cold, and I was very very upset. I tried to interject and told her that was enough and that I was upset. She said NO and continued with her abuse! My supervisor tried to intervene. She cut him off too. She had to say her piece. This was a one way conversation and there was no room for response. On this foundation, she wanted to start on a clean slate with me with what time she had left. All she wanted to hear from me was some quick response of compliance. I said "done." The meeting was over. My supervisor tried to chime in again. She said the meeting was over. Wow!!! Where was a recorder to bring to the attention of HR?!?!
I went downstairs, probably, pale, hands freezing cold, I couldn't concentrate... Tell me this is not intolerable working environment and hostile working environment and abuse of an employee that is severe and starting to become persistent. I am hoping for the support of my supervisor to report this. I didn't ask him to do this. I may... I spoke to my sponsor...
So, at this juncture, I don't know what to do.... Ask the other agency for that opportunity they extended back to me and leave my current company immediately? Should I stay and ride this out and take the legal routes as much as possible and document everything that is going on? Clearly this is affecting my focus on my job and my emotional stability. Can I trust HR with whom the Director knows all the ins and outs and manipulating it so that I do turn out being the bad guy?
Thankfully, my side of the street is pristine clean. I am not as clever with manipulating and being vindictive and being vengeful. If I am to stay sober, I am called upon to be of service to the Director, to the agency, to myself and my sobriety. To do what is right and what I feel makes me feel and look better.
What is the cleanest and best decision and action to take? Do I walk through this with courage and possibly experience intolerable bureaucracy and disappointment from an agency which may condone the actions of a clearly abusive and borderline insane boss? Will I be able to walk through this because I did FINALLY tell the TRUTH about something I should have been consistently doing from the beginning? Is it worth walking through all this grief and put my health and well-being in harms way of someone who literally has lost all sense of consideration for me as a staff, HIV positive person and just another human being? I don't know...
I am sooo disconcerted. My hands are cold just from typing all this down... What happened? Are these the consequences of accumulated actions of dishonesty via people pleasing and not setting boundaries from the beginning and telling the truth of when I am not ok with something? I would have never imagined myself in this position even 48 hours ago and yet here I am debating whether to stay or go... What are the prospects of my future? Can I hang in there for another 6 weeks? Should I just bow out and leave for my own health sake and not take a risk of having to deal with her... I really don't know!
God help me... Help me continue to stay sober... Continue to suit up and show up... Continue to practice the traditions in all my affairs... To continue to be of service... To continue to trust the process and walk through the doors that are open... For me to have clarity in walking through the doors that will not place my serenity, physical, mental and spiritual health in jeopardy.
God help me...
Quoc
ACCEPTANCE IS LETTING GO…
So, what am I doing right now? Stuffing myself full of King’s Hawaiian sweet rolls and Pirouline chocolate cookies with two percent lactaid milk… Everything is set up for me to be successful!!!
I woke up feeling sooo nice and rested!!! It felt really really good… The studio was quiet when I woke up… There wasn’t a worry or a woe… My bills are paid… All the people I love are in good health and not experiencing strife… I have food in the fridge and some money in my bank… I have a job that I am good at and with Staff that like me as a manager. I have friends I can call and friends who call me.
What kinds of thoughts are going through my head today… The fact that I have to concede to the fact that I need more rest because I am HIV positive. My body just requires more rest and tires easier. I am not necessarily depressed or physically out of shape… It’s just the simple fact that fatigue is a part of being HIV positive and needing more rest than the average hiv negative healthy person. Accepting this fact and taking time to honor my body’s need results in a body that is well rested, a mind that is alert and calm and eyes that are fresh to see the world for all the gifts it possesses.
I drove to work in a car that I just took in for maintenance… My car has brand new brakes, fully inspected by the mechanics and given the go ahead, oil is changed and car is washed… I have peace of mind that my car is running at optimal condition and no worries that it will break down… That adds to my peace of mind…
I have little things here and there that need my attention like money and time to pay for the car’s registration and smog check; a few piles of paper clutter that need me to sort and get rid of; computer needs to be cleaned up so that I can use it to organize the rest of my life… The realization that all the stuff that has been sitting around on the side probably doesn’t need to be here to clutter up my life and doesn’t really need to be addressed!!! I haven’t suffered any dire consequences from leaving it alone for months… That probably means it’s just something I am creating that I would like to have done but really doesn’t need to be done if I don’t want to and have other priorities… Rather, this is a pile of stuff that is filling a space that could be opened up for a couch and for rearrangement of furniture so that I may have a house warming or have guests over to watch a movie with me… There are some letters to write here and there and some pictures to put together here and there and some books to read here and there and some step work to be done here and there… I probably would benefit from exercising… Otherwise.. I am doing good!!!
If I really take a moment to look at my life the way it is… It’s simple, at peace, non-chaotic, and drama free!!! How beautiful is that?!!
I was called back for a 2nd interview with the director of the organization I applied for a week ago…. Wow… That was a quick response. I guess I will show up and go… The question now is what am I gonna do about the job if I actually get offered the job… How badly do I really want to leave my current job? There are a lot of personalities… To use an analogy, the department I work in has is like a hillside with a lot of patches of dry grass, twigs and wood to that can burn… All one needs is a little bit of heat to spark some drama!
At the same token it really offers great opportunity to grow! My job as of recently has gotten easier! I actually have more free time to actually start focusing on the mundane chores of being a manager, understanding harassment and handling complaints and conflict resolution and being resourceful in creating a productive and non-hostile work environment… This does not mean that my job could turn into a nightmare very quickly…
I am very dissatisfied with the current pay that I have right now… I literally do not have extra money to buy even some of the small things I like… I am constantly counting my pennies to make sure that I am not spending too much so that bills can actually get paid... Before it used to be a thousand dollars give or take before there was a concern that I was in the red and spending frivolously. Now it’s a matter of any more than a hundred dollars give or take and I would have to cook and not eat out for a couple weeks!!! Aargh… Quality problems I understand…
And again, I must be proud of myself for working sooo very hard for the things that I currently have!!! I have it pretty good… I trust God will place me exactly where I need to be… I need only accept and appreciate the things I have and walk through the doors that are open… If there is more than one door, walk through one and whichever one I choose, it will be the right one… The beautiful thing is there really is no wrong choice… There is a good and a better choice… I need only choose!!!
The theme these past few weeks has been acceptance… Self acceptance… and letting go of what doesn’t belong to me or isn’t me any longer… This past weekend, I donated a lot of clothes… mostly jeans and really really nice slacks that I bought with Mom… They did not fit me… They were 28” – 29” waist clothes that felt like 26” – 27” when I tried them on! It was horrible!!! I tried to make room in the closet for these clothes that did not fit me. There was some insane thought that I would grow into these clothes again… These pants were worn when I was tweekin!!! I was about 105 – 110 lbs… crystal meth thin and very very unhealthy… To hold onto these clothes would mean that I am not willing to let go of the past and that I think looking the way I did is glamorous. The Truth is I was dying and very very ill, physically, mentally and spiritually…
In donating the clothes to the Van Ness Recovery house, I made a gesture letting go of the past self and move toward acceptance of the present self. In letting go of the clothes, I made room for the current clothes that I have in the closet so they aren’t cramped and wrinkled up… In letting go of the clothes, I am making room for new clothes for me to grow into… In letting go, I am creating less clutter for myself and creating a new home for myself and not needing to recreate the home that I lived in for 27+ years.
My friend Aaron is going through hardship with his grandmother being in poor health. There are feelings behind that… I remember how sad I was when Mom was ill and how sometimes I needed to know that someone was just there to love me and be there for me… I didn’t need advice… I just needed to know there was someone there should I turn around and need a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, a couple arms to embrace me when I became melancholy… I didn’t have a confidante because I was afraid of getting close to anyone…
I currently don’t have close close friends because I have a fear of letting anyone too close into my life for fear that they would discover that I wouldn’t measure up to their expectations… The truth is that I am losing out on loving friendships because I wouldn’t measure up to my expectations of what I should be in their eyes when all this time they are accepting me just the way I am... Suffice it to say, I am extending the same love and support that I wanted and needed to my friend Aaron… I wish him, his family and his grandmother well…. May all this pass peacefully and be cradled in the hands of God…
On this note, I will attempt to clean up the pile of papers that sits on my table in an effort to relieve myself of more of the chaos and clutter that my old self wants to create…
Instead of being STRESSED… I will turn the word backwards and create yummy DESSERTS…
Quoc
UNDESIRABLE, UNWANTED & UNWELCOME...
I feel sooo helpless and powerless to my feelings… I am angry, disappointed, ashamed, and not in sync with serenity and satisfaction…
I will start with the worst offender of my bad mood… I was invited to join my sisters and the fiancé to go to Vietnam to visit the family perhaps one last time… I was keen on going thinking part of the trip was to spread Mom’s ashes in China…
Upon hearing more details about the trip and realizing it was just a “vacation” to visit the family, I was not very excited. Apparently, I still have a resentment against the family back home in Vietnam and my aunt and her whole family out in New York for their less than stellar support in our time of loss last June before, during and after Mom’s funeral. So, I wasn’t too excited to go…
I do want to be with my sisters. I do want to visit Grandma… The hesitation with this is that Grandma does not know the Truth about everything that has gone on with her daughters. I can’t bare to be in her presence knowing that she doesn’t know about Mom passing away over a year ago… I would love to see the countryside in Vietnam… There are incentives for going…
The other challenges are, I am in no financial status to take a vacation; I am in the middle of possibly changing jobs and moving in a different direction with my career. I am in the midst of completing the 8th step and starting my amends step which coincidentally involves mainly financial amends!!! I want to be financially self supporting and not count on other people unnecessarily.
Well, I still considered it and looked into what I needed to do to make Vietnam happen. I started talking to my co-workers about going to Vietnam… My sponsor shared his concern about my compromised immune system and how going halfway around the world and being introduced to pathogens may affect me. My co-workers pointed out that I may need to look into taking extra medication to maintain my immune system. They also pointed out that I need to do some prep work prior to going to vacation (i.e. – vaccinations and other shots to make sure I will be ok). Drinking water from the tap may place my health in danger… Anyway, along the lines of my research… I ran into the concern of restrictions… THIS IS THE BIG SHOCKER FOR ME…
DID YOU KNOW THAT SOME COUNTRIES HAVE RESTRICTIONS AGAINST PEOPLE WHO ARE HIV POSITIVE? MEANING, WHEN SOMEONE FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY ENTERING INTO ANOTHER COUNTRY AND IS DISCOVERED TO BE HIV POSITIVE; THEY MAY BE “DETAINED AND HELD FOR DEPORTATION AT THE NEXT EARLIEST FLIGHT.” Wow!!! I was totally floored!!! Among the list of countries that have such laws banning HIV positive individuals from entering into their country to infect their natives was USA and China! Oh my f*cking God!!! I am abhorred and appalled. Here is a list of countries that have border restrictions…
Border restrictions for People Living with HIV (PLWH), worst offenders:
• United States of America
• Kingdom of Brunei
• China (not Hong Kong or Macau)
• Iraq
• South Korea
• Solomon Islands
• Sudan
• Moldavia
• Mongolia
• Oman
• Russian Federation
• Saudi Arabia
Here is a link to a site that cites all the different restriction laws for people living with HIV:
http://www.aidsnet.ch/modules.php?name=Content&pa=list_pages_categories&cid=5&newlang=english
The one that really hits home is China… This means if I were to take a trip to China with the family to spread Mom’s ashes, I would be taking a risk of being stopped at the border (discovered that I am HIV positive) by way of identifying my HIV meds or if I were stupid enough to be honest and tell the truth about my HIV status, turned around and sent home!!! I am sooo desperately sad about this news…
So, this saddened me…
Secondly, I am running out of steam at my workplace… People that I care for and love working with are leaving right and left. There are people I personally feel are not the best people to bring on-board to gel with the rest of the department that have been hired despite department staff opposition… There was a speech given by the boss lady in a manner of trying to motivate the department shared that: we “are responsible for the reputations we have within the department.” The expectation is that we place the Organization first, the Department second, then us third without her following up with sharing that it is her role to place the hardworking employees in this Department first and to support us every step of the way...
I was sharing my frustration with a co-worker about why I wanted to hear the boss-lady verbally communicate this… He told me that we don’t need to hear a leader verbalize that we are the most important person to them because we see the leader lead by example and take the action… We don’t need to hear it, because we get to experience it through boss-ladies actions… I had that aha moment because the reason why I wanted to hear it was because I was not feeling it or seeing it! Ever since that “pep” talk, I have been just coming to work for the mere fact of coming to work…
I still derive great satisfaction from helping the clients I serve and working with my amazing staff… They keep me going… I generated a list of tangible things I want in seeking my next job…
1) A LOT MORE MONEY > 45,000/YR
2) NOT HAVE TO SUPERVISE
3) INTERESTING WORK THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE CONSTANT CHALLENGES
4) ROOM FOR GROWTH AND PROMOTION
5) WORK ENVIRONMENT THAT IS LOVING, SUPPORTIVE, FRIENDLY & HAS CAMARADERIE AND A LEADER THAT IS JUST ANOTHER TEAM MEMBER IN THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT
6) CONSISTENT WORK SCHEDULE (NO MORE THAN 8 HOURS/DAY AND 40 HOURS/WEEK)
7) HAVE WEEKENDS OFF!!!
8) GAY, HIV FRIENDLY!
9) MOST IMPORTANTLY, WORK THAT I ENJOY DOING!!!
I should expect all of the above be met… They are not unreasonable and unrealistic! Now that I have put it out to the universe; let’s see what happens…
The third challenge that I have been experiencing is feeling disgustingly dirty and unsanitary and like a walking disease and puss-bag… As if feeling the pinch of the people at the borders at the airports turning me away from entering their country wasn’t bad enough… I realized in my conducting STD screening at an STD clinic that I may have picked up yet another STD… Tell me about lightning striking twice in a row!!! I am just a walking sh*t magnet… I know I am being a hypochondriac and self diagnosing… I am waiting for my Doctors appointment to confirm or deny my self diagnosis… I am too embarrassed to share what it is… It just sucks that given the limited things that I have done, that I would have picked this up!!! Argh!!!
The fourth thing is that I feel desperately lonely… I suppose feeling dirty, disgusting, and feeling the real consequences of the things I am… asian, gay, HIV positive, an addict/alcoholic, and someone who has not complete done a 180 on people pleasing… Today, this past week, I have not felt particularly proud of all these things I am… I am not dating anyone… I am working my tail off with little compensation and actually adversely affecting my recovery work and with no recognition of my work done… I am trying not to play a victim role and taking a very active role in the other parts of my recovery aside from unity by going to meetings.. I am being of service and really working on my recovery… The negative feelings continue to persist… My head continues poking fun at me being less than rather than equal to and just enough to be worthy of being wanted, loved, appreciated, recognized, and desired as a boyfriend or partner…
I am trying to reach out and take that scary step making myself vulnerable to friends and sharing honestly with them fearing that I will be thrown away and turned away from my sharing my truth. I am trying not to just fall back on just depending on a therapist to dump all my woes and problems to and saving myself from making friends and getting to know them and letting them into me and letting them get to know me…
I have been withholding a lot of information lately… A lot of life has been happening… A lot of joyous occasions… I will now include some pictures of my friends and I on Halloween night in West Hollywood… Some friends I have grown to love… One of them is Aaron, a true friend and brother I am sooo thankful and blessed to have… He is the one dressed up as a hippy in the pictures…
I have a loving sister who is willing to spot me in supporting me to going to Vietnam with the fiance and my baby sister… Only, I find out about all these challenges that lead me to pause and take a step back… My sponsor reminded me yet again to “walk through the doors that are open.” Currently, there are many God-posts that point in the direction of this is not the time to take this trip… To feel the feelings, stay in the moment, move into gratitude, start my day over anytime it goes awry for any lengthy period of time, and to just show up, stay sober, take care of myself and trust that God has not brought me this far down this path to drop me and leave me to tough it alone…
If I am toughing it alone, it’s because I am choosing to do it alone and not reaching for God’s help… Not asking for God’s help… Not asking for Thine Will and Mine to be One… I am trying to find the positive in all this… Right now, the only thing that is positive is my HIV status…
I am sure this icky feeling will pass… Otherwise, things are good… Boy, did I need to vomit tonight… A lot has gone on in my head with no real outlet…
Quoc
Dopey (from Seven Dwarves) and Quoc says Waasup!!!
The Hip crew poses for a picture in front of Sheriff's station at West Hollywood Halloween Night...
Caught between brains and brawn of Batman and a hot IRS Auditor... How hot is that?!
My hip hippy friend Aaron and me... He is such a good friend of mine...
The Halloweeny family takes a picture before we descend upon Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood...
WHERE DOES YOUR GOD LIVE?
Hey all... I am still around... Just trying to find balance with my really full life of recovery, work, making a home for myself, work, building friendships, work, personal growth, and have I MENTIONED WORK?!?!
I sooo desperately need a break! I am doing ok... There is always something to complain about, but nothing that is earth shattering that needs attention.
I will keep you guys posted... The heading of this very very brief blog before I leave for work is "Where does God Live?" I really liked this question asked in a meeting I went to this past week.
I have an answer. I'd like to know what your answer is? Now, keep in mind, it's not where does God live... It's specifically, where does YOUR God live... I'd like to hear your take on it...
Have a great day! Cheers... Gotta get to work!!!
Quoc
