So, what is going on with Quoc today? Suffice it to say, I feel like a moose in heat. I am anticipating my interview with the Admin. position in the prevention department at 4 PM today... I have pretty much completed all my assignments for the day. All caught up! Sigh... I should be working on my 4th step. That I will do this evening. I have a couple things to buy, or hope to buy by evening's end: full length mirror for room ($10), flip flops from GAP ($?$?), Listerine and toothpaste from the new Target on Santa Monica ($10). Hopefully I won't go hog-wild and spend money that I really don't have! It's another beautiful day on the 14th floor. I am gonna miss the view from this station; my assignment will be completed tomorrow. Hopefully I will have yet another assignment in the week to come! I trust that I will be taken care of; whatever will happen is meant to happen... It is not my job to ask why, but just do the footwork and leave the consequences be. I found out last evening upon visiting my old recovery house that yet another alumni has relapsed. Thusfar, that makes... um.... every single resident that has come into the house before me about 11 months ago have relapsed!!! I am the only one left and I have only been out of the house for about 2 weeks?
Scary stuff this addiction business is! All I need do is continue doing the footwork and what is suggested in order to stay clean and sober:
1) Continue working the steps (writing...)
2) Daily 10th step
3) call my sponsor
4) call a newcomer and an old timer
5) read Ms. Big Book
6) go to a meeting
7) be of service (commitment and reaching out to someone who needs help)
8) willing to ask for and graciously accept help when I need it
9) getting honest with exactly where I am and how I am feeling and know that feelings are not fact!!! THIS TOO SHALL PASS!
There is much more to do, and all of the above is simple and not hard!!! I hear people label things all inappropriately! It's a set up for disappointment and failure... It's "uncomfortable" not hard; I make mistakes, I am not a mistake; I am imperfect and thankfully that means I am growing; I have issues with certain challenges in life, I am not the manifestation of that very challenge (i.e. - I am a codependent, I am a people pleaser, etc...).
Anyway, I am on this platform... No I am not trying to take anyone's inventory, it's just my sharing what has been working for me and helping me make it through the day without picking up! I am thankful!
I feel a little lonely... I am craving some sort of intimacy... I want it... I do not need it... It too shall come with time... Learn to have a relationship with myself and then that will be radiated outward from me and act as a magnet for those who share the same energy... That is what I want... I am not that entity yet...
I am a work in progress... One day at a time... I will just stay in the moment and do exactly what is in front of me... That is where I am.... Have a great day all! Pray for me...
Quoc
G'morning all! It's a smoggy morning out here in Hollywood... Yuck! The view from the 14th floor is dingy! Ew!!! Oh puhleez! I have inhaled worst things in my recent past... Anyway, Back at work and thankful to be... I am still reflecting back on last evenings event with the ladies I didn't even know watching Mamma Mia... I had a grand idea to purchase tickets for Judy's birthday and for Mom to watch too. The tickets range from $130 - $400 a ticket!!!! OUCH!!! I did not realize that! I'd really like to take Mom, Judy and Chin out... Maybe Chin can pitch in for Mom and herself and I can pay for Judy... It can be a lot of fun. And what a spectacular show for Mom to see. All the songs are such fun too! Again, just because I said hello and was myself and was at the right place at the right time, I got to see a $200 show for free! I am that much more grateful this morning.
Time is about 11:44 PM on Tuesday night, April 27, 2004. I can’t believe what just happened today!!! I can’t believe what happened this evening I mean! I got to see Mamma Mia for free!!! Haha… I am not sure whether I was being that irresponsible or not, but come on… who would pass up the opportunity to go see a musical?? The price I had to pay? I missed my therapy appointment.
So, what all happened today? I finished all my work efficiently and perhaps too efficiently yet again… I gotta learn to pace myself a little better. I did a better job of doing it… I got the preliminary interview taken care of… I actually teared up a little from just really feeling appreciation for organizations that help people like me who live with HIV. I really meant what I said about wanting to be a part of an organization and being able to recontribute back to what has been given to me in saving and maintaining the quality of my life. I was able to update all my resume, cover letter, fax cover, and employment information ready for yet another job hunt. I have my BIG interview with the person I would be serving under this upcoming Thursday. Pray for me all. I put it in God’s hand to guide me wherever IT sees fit for me to be. Anyway but my way.
I came home from work by 6 PM. I was really tired. I took a 30 minute nap and by 7:15 PM dragged my but up to go to my therapy appointment at 8 PM. While I was waiting at the train stop; I ran into some “touristy” looking folk who seemed lost and very excited about the prospects of being on a subway train… How cute! I asked where they were headed and heard that they were looking for the Hollywood/Vine train stop… I immediately thought of the Pantages Theater and Mamma Mia popped into my head and came out of my mouth. The ladies were going to exactly that. I shared with them how much I have been wanting to see that and have plans to possibly go and buy tickets to see it. Oh yeah, just before the train stop, I had stopped to buy some oranges and peaches (so I am holding two bags full of fruit). Well, one of the ladies just told me to come along and go with them; they wanted me to be spontaneous, but hell if only they knew I had spent my last two bucks in my pocket to buy the fruit in my hands.
Well, I’ll be darned, they meant to invite me to go with them because they had an extra ticket to the show that nobody had taken. I didn’t think too long about taking them up on their offer. I still didn’t quite know what to think! I was certainly willing to pay for the ticket. I also had a commitment to go to my appointment in 20 minutes for therapy. I did make the phone call in an effort to reach the mental health department to reschedule, but I couldn’t get through for one reason or another. It wouldn’t allow my phone to dial that number. I just let it be… I went in my jean shorts, tennis shoes, red tank top and a loose button plaid shirt.. oh yeah, don’t forget my bags of fruit! Just like a true native LA guy! LOL… Anyway, I got to see the show!!! What a show!!!!! I mean WHAT A SHOW!!! I was totally mesmerized by the spectacular color, and angelic voices being projected from the stage… They took songs from ABBA that I knew and arranged them into a story that I greatly appreciated… It depicted the worries of a daughter who needed her mothers approval and a mother’s strife in raising a child while finding happiness within herself. It depicted the confusion about life and the unknowns of the future and possibly taking steps in life that one may not have taken a second or third look at before acting on that “sound decision” made… Oh boy were the guys hot!!!! Grrr!!!!!
I even got to catch a glimpse of the stars up close and personal because they were holding baskets after the show asking for donations; funds that go directly to assisting people who are “suffering” from AIDS. Wow, that really hit home. Yet another effort to help people like me live a better quality life… I am sooo blessed; to witness the act of others accepting donations on my behalf and those like myself is truly heartfelt!
Ok, it’s past my bed time… I just needed to spit that little blurb about the funny things that happen in life… So, I acted, and now I have to face the consequences… Am I ok with it at the end of the day. Right now? I truly felt it was well worth it! I will get to see the therapist again next week. I will make amends about not being able to inform them and rescheduling, but I was powerless over the results… I did do the footwork though…
G’nite all… I am blessed!!!!!
“Seventeen… young and sweet… look at the dancing queen…. “
Quoc
So, as a result of staying in the moment and doing what is in front of me; I may land the job that I had originally wanted doing Administrative work in the Prevention Department of an organization that I am getting health services from! Very cool! I have an interview today at 2:30 PM. Wish me luck! Otherwise, I spent another restless night last night battling with the snoring roomie. This is such a sad situation! I made racket last night in hopes of stirring him out of snoring... I banged an empty bottle on the hardwood floor, I coughed, I thrashed about the bed loudly, I opened and closed the nightstand drawer aggressively... TO NO AVAIL!!! Wow!!! He really is out cold! And what became of me? Suffice it to say that I had to invest money in a Ice-blended Mocha from the CoffeeBean to stay awake this morning; considering my work to kick my addiction of meth., artificial means of keeping myself awake are not a good idea. Anyway, I am thankful for work today... It is kind of slow... I have been able to take care of some personal business and even blog! The people here are mellow... I really like my neighbor... He's into aquatic life! He has a 60 gallon tank; something that I totally get into, but I am a fresh water aquatic life guy. :-) I go in for another session of therapy tonight, after which I will try to make it to a gig that my former co-worker's band is playing at... I will have to remember to do a plug for his group, but I currently do not know the name... I just know it's in Santa Monica... The weather is blistering hot!!! It's well over 85 degrees; thankfully I am indoors. If I were outdoors, I'd definitely want to be at the beach.
I am on the 14th floor of this company's building... What a view! It overlooks the Hollywood sign and the whole valley. I see the Pantages Theater where Mamma Mia is playing as well as Capitol Records and the beautiful Hollywood Hills (mountains). It's a clear smoggy day... The flag at Capitol Records stands at half staff; I am assuming we've had some more casualties in the operations going on in the middle-east... Sigh...
Ok... I will let you guys know what is up... I am really in love with this bloggin biz!!! Apparently Margaret Cho does something like this as well...
Thank you Brad!!!
Peace Out,
Quoc
Yeah, it's 4:30 in the morning.... I can't sleep and no it's not by choice... I am Sleepless in Los Angeles because my roomate snores too loud! Argh!!! I am powerless! I would totally cop a resentment, but I can't take it personally; he is not doing it on purpose. Eitherway, I have been woken up multiple times tonight... I finally had to get up and have an apple. So, I've had my apple. I may have to take my Sponsor's suggestion and buy ear plugs to sleep with... Not even the fan that I leave on will drown the sounds of his deafening snores! Hey, if this is the most challenging problem today in my life, than I got it made; eventhough I feel totally crappy! Anyway, it seems as though, my blog that I thought was lost to cyberworld has been partially posted. Hmmmm... I learn one day at a time; these man-made mechanisms do indeed have a mind of their own sometimes. Ok, I am gonna read some of the big book and see if I can create some racket to de-snore my wonderful roomate. Any suggestions folks? One of the housemates suggested I get a spraybottle of water and just spray it into the air above him... The moisture will hit his face and disrupt him enough to waken him a little... I will opt out of that because that means I will have to get up and spray him every so often, or get a nozzle that projects water at a 4-5 foot distance. Well, good night everyone again. Hope you all have a great day. I hope my day at work will be a productive one; I give thanks for having a job this week, even if it is temporary. RECOVERY FIRST... RECOVERY FIRST...*continues repeating mantra* Quoc
Hello World!!! I have been released from my recovery house and currently in a sober living... I will have 1 year clean and sober on May 19, 2004. I still don't know what I will be doing to celebrate, but I trust that my higher power will have some wonderful surprise in store for me...
What is new? Well, I am back from a long departure with the macroworld... It's a scary transition... I have been in the safer confines of a microworld, so I know how to live clean and sober given the multitude of challenges going on in this very moment... Oh what an order! I was blessed with a job prior to graduation so I would have some sort of income to start off with... An employment agency hooked me up with that... I started 2 weeks ago... Well, this past Friday, April 23, 2004 at about 5:00 PM, I was called into the Temp Agency to be informed that the company was letting me go because I was a bad match... Why? They perceive me as highly motivated, ambitious, young, and high functioning; in essence overqualified and feel that in time I would grow tired of my position and would leave the company! They are seeking someone who would be comfortable being sedimentary and stay with the company for a long period of time with little to no growth... On any other occasion, I would take this as a high compliment, but the point is that I am being denied a stable paycheck!!! Just like "faith without work," TALENT WITHOUT WORK will not pay any of my bills and put bread on my table!!! Holy MOther of God! Anyway, I was trippin' and crying for a minute, but recovery tools kicked in and I was compelled to trust that I had something to learn from this experience and that greater things have yet to come... I remembered that in this given moment, I am in a better place than I was when I first came into recovery. I moved into gratitude, called my sponsor, called a friend, went to a meeting, and prayed before going to bed.
So okay, that part of me that wants to move way from "staying in the moment" and worry about the future comes in because that is what I have been accustomed to. It really wants to propel me to get the f*ck its and just get frustrated and fix by going out and doing something self destructive. Well, thankfully, retracting back to staying in this given moment and evaluating what I have RIGHT NOW shows me that: I have clothes to wear, a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, food to eat, good people around me that LOVE ME, my rent is paid for this month, and some money in my pocket to spend... Oh yeah, I managed not to throw it all away by doing one thing: I STAYED AWAY FROM USING DRUGS OR ALCOHOL one more day!!! Wahoo!!!!
So, I look forward to blogging more often... This really is a dream come true to be able to express myself and post it somewhere where I and other may enjoy and grow from. I welcome your wonderful replies!! Let other people know about this site... I hope that I will impart information that will help you grow one more day as well as reciprocate the wonderful wisdom that you receive from your day's experience. I have to thank one incredibly articulate, eloquent, spiritual, intelligent, adventurous and incredibly physically gorgeous man that inspires me to one day grow this website into... His name is Keith... I ran by his website KEITHCAM.COM one day years ago and I have been taking the time to just read and enjoy his beautiful entries... I am excited about the adventures he takes, the experiences he has with relationships, his continued introspective exploration with himself and his candor and openne
Ok folks?K I am going to try this one more time?K I just got done composing my first blog in months and upon posting it?K the computer took a sh*t on me and I lost the whole post! ?? So, here is the synopsis of what I basically expressed?K
I wanted to share the fact that I had been missing in action for about a year to learn how to stay clean and sober one day at a time. I recently graduated from a 9-12 month program and within the past few days moved from the treatment facility to a ??sober?? living house. I had been blessed with a job within the past two weeks prior to graduation which would help with paying for my first month??s rent as well as some spending money. I was hired through a temp agency and have been happily working with the company for two weeks?K I have been learning sooo much and really getting to love the position, the work environment as well my co-workers?K Alas, this past Friday, April 23, 2004, I was called into the temp agency to be informed that the company feels that I am not compatible with them due to the fact that I am ??young, intelligent, ambitious,?? and in essence overqualified for the position that I am currently holding. They fear that I would become bored with my job and leave them for something bigger and better. Little do they know how much I am in need of a job that provides a stable paycheck and a manageably stressful environment?K They are looking for someone who is sedimentary and willing to stay with this position for the long term. How can they make such a call when I myself don??t even know whether this is a good fit for me. So, one can get disqualified from position because I am OVERQUALIFIED! Sigh?K If only they knew how much I really wanted to stay with them.
Well, I have been taught the tools to live life on top of just staying clean and sober ??one day at a time.?? I have been taking baby steps from the microworld of my treatment facility toward the macrocosm of daily challenges of disappointment and obstacles. So, what did I do? I called my sponsor, cried, called a friend, went to a meeting and prayed.
Over the weekend, I have been able to move from projecting into the unknown future towards ??staying in the moment.?? I give thanks for what I have in this given moment: food to eat, roof over my head, clothes to keep me warm, a bed sleep in, people who love and care for me, rent is paid for the month, and some spending money for the next month. Oh yeah, I have managed to stay clean and sober one more day given the challenges, when by default and habitual life experience I go to self medicate with drugs, alcohol and other self destructive means of behavior.
Today, I do what is in front of me?K I have been unpacking my belongings in the little space I share with my roomie in a sober living house in Downtown, Los Angeles. I will shower, and get ready for my day tomorrow. I give thanks for another temporary position that will tie me over for the next week until another opportunity arises. I am compelled to apply step 3 into my life: to turn all of my will and my life over the care of my Higher Power. I realize that today, I am in a better place than the days before I came into recovery.
I give thanks for the opportunity to be able to express my sentiments and share them with others. Hopefully this website will grow?K I count on you folks for support love and comments?K I hope you gain some insight on your own life by vicariously living through mine?K I look forward to your sharing your experiences and wisdom from your day to day activities?K Share this website with your friends and loved ones?K I do have visions for this site. This reality made possible by my friend Brad (at bradheld.com), was dreamt about and inspired by a website that I randomly visited from surfing the net years ago. I have yet to meet this man, but I must say that through his eloquent articulation, his willingness to be completely open and candid, and just the spirit and energy that I feel just from visiting his website; I have such an attraction to him! He is physically one of the most beautiful men I have seen in my life?K His whole package just seals the deal! His name is Keith; his website is keithcam.com. I want to have what he has?K May chance give me an opportunity to cross paths with him one day! What an incredible dream come true would that be one day?K For now, I will start visiting his site and just get a very intimate peek into another man??s daily life of work, relationship(s) and just living day to day making the best of what we are blessed with?K
Thank you for all your continued love and support?K I look forward to corresponding with all of you via e-mail, telephone, and possibly one-on-one in the days to come. I have been blessed with another opportunity at life. I am not about to let that go this go around?K Just one day at a time?K If no one has told you today?K I love you.
Thankfully,
Quoc
Test posting... I just lost my last post! ;-(
