60 MILLION HIV INFECTED GLOBALLY... 20 MILLION DEAD...
DID YOU KNOW...
*60 million people worldwide have been infected with HIV; 20 million have already died.
*40,000 people in the US are infected with HIV each year; half are under the age of 25.
*Testing is the only way to know for sure whether you - or your partner - is infected.
*KNOW HIV/AIDS - help stop the epidemic.
Need more information about prevention? e-mail me or check out the following site:
http://www.aidshealth.org/prevention/mens_wellness.htm
Thankful to be healthy and positively alive,
Quoc
DEATH OF FRIEND... SUPPLEMENTAL
The following is a response to a friend who e-mailed and asked how I was doing...
Things are ok... I have been having such a bad attitude about life in the past week or sooo... Then I went to a meeting tonight and find out that someone that I know died in the past week. They found his body this afternoon in Long Beach. Apparently, he had been missing... My first reaction was to go to pity pot and cry and be sad...
Then solution kicked in and reminded me that the best thing I can do to honor his death is to live my life as fully as possible! I got grateful for the simple things that I have. My friend didn't get to live today, horrible, good or otherwise. He didn't get to open his eyes, breathe in life and well... LIVE! So, I really got grateful in the past 2 hours for the life that I have and am gonna try to reaffirm to really live up every waking moment that I am granted... I know this feeling will pass and I will forget, but I am sure my Higher Power will give me another friendly reminder, when my alcoholic head forgets...
So, if I responded 3 hours ago, I would've complained about all the things that are going on in my life. Within the past 2 hours, I have been really grateful for the opportunity to experience and live life. What a difference a moment makes.
DEATH OF FRIEND... MOMENT OF SILENT MEDITATION
I just found out someone who helped me when I was new in recovery died. Apparently, they found his body this afternoon in Long Beach. There is speculation of suicide. I don't know the details... All I know is that "King Alcohol" and that insidious disease of alcoholism may be a factor in taking his life... As they say in the program, if I am a true alcoholic, and I don't get treatment, what I look forward to is jails, institutions and DEATH.
I met this man when I had less than a week of sobriety 2 years and 4 months ago. He came to the Van Ness Recovery House to be of service and facilitate step study meetings. I only met this man a couple times in the first month of my sobriety. I ran into him again a few months back at a recovery meeting. I introduced myself to him; shared with him what a positive impact he made in my life carrying a message of hope for me when I was just scared and very ignorant of many things as the newcomer I was would've been. I asked him for his number so I may keep him in my support group. There have been many times these past few months that I scroll by his name and unwilling to call and just say hello... I kept thinking, "what do I have to talk about with this man? I barely know him." or we probably won't relate to each other with me being just 2 years free of all mind-altering substances and him with a whoppin' 18 years! Because of my selfish and self-absorbed thoughts, I never had the opportunity to get to know this man and hang out with him. Another beautiful child of God.
So, what led to my finding out about this news in a recovery meeting? I had come home from work with the intention of pulling my medical records together so I may continue receiving my expensive life saving HIV meds for free... I also had the intention of doing more of my 6th step work. I ended up eating some food and end up wanting to take a nap convincing myself that I would take a short nap and wake up by 7:30/8PM to get going with the night... I ended up napping 'til after 9PM. I felt horrible... I felt like a failure, a sloth, unwilling to do work, and will reap the consequences of my actions. My room is a mess and needs to be organized!!! God willing, I picked up the phone and started calling people. Perhaps to stall from doing my stepwork or the medical records compilation. I ended up calling 10+ people sharing about where I am.
All it takes is that one phone call. I called a new friend who shared that he was going to a recovery meeting at 10PM. I reluctantly agreed to meet him there. I immediately regretted doing that all of a sudden feeling like I should've said no and use the time doing the medical record compilation or work on my 6th step and conclude with exercising... I am taught to honor my promises and commitments. I left 10 minutes before 10PM and hauled ass down to West Hollywood to the meeting. I get there as the meeting is starting...
It is a step study... The guys are gorgeous because it is West Hollywood after-all... I did not identify as someone who is attending this meeting for the first time. We launch into reading step 10. "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." Again, I am reminded that I am not in charge, God is. So long as I am willing to choose to show up for my sobriety whether it be go to a meeting or do step work, something amazingly good will come out of it. In this case, I get to hear about looking at the stuff I didn't do today and then follow up with affirmative action or wallow in the failure of my apathy. I also get to look at the progress that I have made today however small that step forward may be. In hearing about the death of this man, I immediately remember how precious life is and what am I doing RIGHT NOW with the gift of life that I have been granted. Am I fartin' it away or am I seizing it...
So, let's do a 10th step right now...
Gratitude:
1) I am sober today.
2) I am ALIVE and have the opportunity to LIVE the life I have.
3) I have life saving meds.
4) I have an amazing support group (friends that really care for me)
5) I am blessed with willingness to use my sober tool box and stay in action despite my feelings and self-destructive thoughts.
6) I arrived safely to all destinations traveled today.
7) I have 2 amazing sisters that I love soooo much.
8) I have a safe and warm place I can come to and call home.
9) I have enough money to meet my needs.
10) I get to choose to change what didn't work today and try again to make a difference tomorrow.
Affirmations:
1) In light of hearing about my friends sudden death, instead of feeling sad, abandoned, think selfishly and inwardly, being a drama queen, regret that I never called him, beat myself up for not being grateful for my life today, feel guilt for sleeping tonight when I have a chance to LIVE... I get to honor my feelings, be REALLY grateful that I am alive and actually don't have that bad of a life. From this moment on, I get to choose to make those phone calls to people that I hesitate whether I should call or not. I get to choose to be with people that I like being around. I wake up remembering that I am alive breathing and healthy and get to live life today! I get to see how fatal alcoholism may be and act promptly to appreciate the simple things in life, breathing, feeling cool air on my skin, satisfaction from a good meal, gratification from helping someone else, living in sunny California, enjoying the beautiful sights around me, fellowship with those friends that are around me.
2) After the meeting, I realize how selfish and inconsiderate I have been lately in my blogs and shares... How I have not been practicing restraint of tongue and PEN or in this case, restraint of keyboard. I have been just lashing out and blaming my sister and others for pain that I chose to wallow in. I beat myself up for feeling anger and not fully understanding this continued process of "grieving" for the loss of Mom. I apologize for everything that I shared about my sister and anyone else. It was not my intention to cause anyone to feel hurt or offended. I was only sharing my feelings the best I can given this is the first time I am grieving for the loss of someone I love soooooooooooooooo much! Again, please accept my deepest apologies. Let me know what I can do to make right what I did or said this past week that may have been hurtful to anyone.
3) I remember to just start over from this point forth. The past, it touches me not, if I don't drag it into the present. I can start fresh and DO SOMETHING about whatever needs my attention. Clearly, it's not too late, cuz I still have an opportunity to do it!
4) I remember to recognize and give myself props for the great progress that I have made... Despite my little lazy nap, I woke up and called people and shared honestly and asked for help. I was willing to go to a meeting even late at night to hear some solution and to share some solution. I did good today! I stayed sober today; that in itself is a huge triumph.
5) I remember if I don't pick up the drink or drug, all I am guaranteed is sobriety. If I want sanity, peace of mind, balance, and what is shared in "The Promises," then I must work the steps, I must be willing to do the work to possibly receive the rewards of the work I put in... It works if I work it... Not it works if I know it... Not it works if I think it... IT WORKS IF I WORK IT. What kind of common sense do I have if I do nothing, but expect change to happen. IF NOTHING CHANGES, THEN NOTHING CHANGES. It is soooo darn simple.
Ok... It is really late... I must pull my medical records together. Tomorrow, I will recite affirmations and share gratitude for what I have and pray for God's help to continue helping me along this journey of life... Thine will, not mine be done!!!
Thank you for an amazing day... Some people didn't get to wake up today to experience what I got.
Deep gratitude for my life,
Quoc
MENTAL FASTING... SPIRITUAL REGROUPING
So, I was listening to Namaste's Reverend Kristen speak on the topic of "Pray it like you mean it," which is sooo very appropriate for me since I have been in sooo much emotional pain in the past few days... She mentioned a few things about praying... I only remember a couple of the 3 rules. I will listen to it again I am sure and get all three down. So, one of them is to remember that God is with me, in me at any and every given moment. The other one that I remember is to pray it with the belief that it will instantaneously be granted in that given moment. It is suggested that the prayer request be a realistic one (not like wanting to see water run uphill); I have 3 (completing 12 steps so I may really carry the message; immaculate room and home so I may invite God and other guests into this home; and healthy and strong body that is both physically and chemically fit and robust)... This morning, I focused on immaculate room... Lastly, there is fasting of things that are not healthy for myself. So, I choose mental fasting of that are negative, self-destructive, self-loathing, isolating, and just plain ol' bad for me.
That is what I got this morning... It's my morning meditation. I am turning it over to God.
Regards,
Quoc
HEART IS ACHING AGAIN :-(
Man!!! Just when I am least expecting it... WHAM!!! This wave of emotions wells up and erupts from within... It almost feels as if it came from the outside hitting me from all sides with gale force. I broke into tears and hold my hand to my heart as I feel the physical ache of grief, sadness and loss...
So, what happened: My sister held a garage sale this past weekend... She is clearing out the garage and making room for a live-in nurse to assist with care of Dad. I arrived Saturday afternoon to see if there is anything I could do to assist. I am glad I arrived after most of everything was sold. Earlier in the week, I had an opportunity to sift through my stuff, but I did not act on it. Therefore, I don't even know what personal belongings were put out and sold. I managed to salvage a box of practical and sentimental items that were not sold. I can only imagine what I would end up with had I come earlier. I saw all kinds of memories splayed in the front yard for sale; again, this is after most of everything that apparently was practical was sold... It upset to see old shirts that I wore from ensemble or candle votives that I bought for myself on the ground to be sold for coins. Years and decades of memories being sold off for 25 cents or $1.00.
So, between seeing the stuff laid out to be sold, the garden cleared out by a weed whacker, and a nonchalant sister, I felt like there wasn't anyone to commiserate and share feelings with... Eventhough I am a guest in this home, I still feel a connection to this home that I spent 25 years growing up in... We're taking another step in leaving this house behind... My head is projecting sometime in the future that I will be driving by and seeing another family living in that home... It's a part of my past that I am losing... I am afraid that without those things to trigger memories that I will forget... Perhaps, it's ok to forget, that leaves room for more memories to make in the present and future to come. I can say that, but I don't want to own that because I miss Mom... I AM IN TEARS JUST TYPING ABOUT IT... I really miss Mom... I miss what it was like when I was younger...
I am upset and angry.... I am feeling guilt from using my sister as the target of my mental lashing out... I don't mean it, but that is what is coming out. I knew better and steered away from home and keeping from communicating with her. It's not about her... It's about me feeling pain and thinking that she doesn't care because she is able to just let all this stuff go sooo easily... So it seems. I spoke to my therapist who suggested that perhaps this is my sis' way of dealing with Mom's death.
What else is going on? I am feeling fear from possibly getting a job that does pay more but doesn't feel as rewarding as the current job that I absolutely love and adore but am not making enough to even buy food for self on a monthly basis. I love HIV testing and counseling. I want to continue in the fight against HIV. I respect HIV, but I hate HIV. I will fight HIV to my last breath! But, there are times when one is unable to focus on the task and passion at hand because one's personal living situation is precarious and unstable. This must come first and get addressed.
I continue to forge ahead... I will pray to God to continue helping me through this process... I will work on completing more of my 6th step. I have side stepped that matter. I have been really lazy this weekend. It doesn't feel good... Instead of starting the day over from this moment forth, I am wasting more time by beating myself up for being a lazy oaf. My head then continues beating me up for being weak and emotional an unable to pull through this grieving process like my sis is...
These past days have not been good ones... I must remember this too shall pass... I don't have to do it alone... Share and ask for help and stay in the stepwork and reinforce my sobriety and conscious contact with my HP. Then let the rest fall where they may...
Melancholy,
Quoc
ILLEGAL TO HANG SOMETHING IN THE REAR VIEW MIRROR
Did you know it is illegal to hang something in the rear view mirror? If my day could not have gotten worse, I get the lights pulled on me by a police car in West Hollywood. I pulled over and felt at ease that the car was insured, the registration on the car is current, I have a valid license, I am not high on drugs and there is nothing to hide. So, I am sitting there with 2 very very bright sunlights pointed right at my car blinding my ability to see behind me in the dark (10:20PM). I was driving home from my recovery meeting.
The cocky officer walks up and asks for my driver license and registration. Then proceeds to ask if I knew what I had done. I told him that I didn't know... He condescendingly says I must know what is wrong as if I were deceiving him. I totally wanted to pull the recovery card on him and said that it is no longer in my best interest to lie! I didn't. I told him that I honestly didn't know what I my infraction was and trusted that he stopped me for a reason.
He informed me that he was stopping me because first did not make a complete stop at a stop sign a few blocks back. Honestly, I didn't recall that. Then as if he was being really big and giving me a break, he told me that he was going to cite me for having an object hanging in my rear view mirror. The very thing that has been hanging there since I bought this car back in 2001. The very good luck chinese charms that hang in the car to keep us safe from bad spirits protect us from harm. It apparently obstructs view. So, why do vendors sell things that people may hang in the rear view mirror? Also, how many friggin' people have things hanging in their rear view mirror???!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!! Now, I have to stop by the downtown precinct to show the thing hanging from my rear view mirror is no longer hanging from there, then go into the clerks office and pay a small fee (that I can't even afford; I barely have money for food). He concluded by telling me to drive safely and to have a good night.
Ok, he was just doing his job... But man oh man, he must've been bored or way short on his quota to need to stop me for that infraction. Anyway, I know now... I am trying to stay in the solution and stay grateful, but truth be told, I think it is totally wrong!!!! There are dumb cracks out there driving recklessly and I get stopped first for not completing a full stop (which I don't recall) at a stop sign and then get cited for not illegally hanging something in my rear view. The program suggests that I focus on me and my part... I will try... Argh!!!
Disgruntled,
Quoc
FEELING INADEQUATE... INSUFFICIENT
I am living paycheck to paycheck. Yes, I am abundantly blessed compared to what I had when I first came into recovery 2+ years ago, but man oh man it ain't easy with the current living wages. I have been taking sponsor suggestion to job search...
There is fear of venturing off to something completely new. I have always been in Administrative. I am an expert when I comes to administrative work and customer service. Right now, the path that I am being placed on calls for Sales. I do have the ability to approach, develop rapport and cultivate trust of strangers. I am able to listen, frame and reframe what they is shared so that it may be looked at in a different perspective.
So, the skills are all there. It's a matter of bringing it from my noggin and verbally articulating it in a fashion that is appealing to prospective employers.
I am learning to honor my truth and be ok with where I am and not have others tell me otherswise leading me to second guess whether my current evaluation of my situation is accurate.
- I shared with my sis' that I am living paycheck to paycheck. She started to scrutinize it, but let go of it. I felt judged and criticized.
- My sponsor has been coaching me through the application process of securing a job. He is able to succinctly articulate himself in a fashion that is so easy to understand, direct and allows the opposing party to be totally attracted to whatever is being shared. In essence, with the way he communicates himself, he can sell ice to an eskimo! What is the problem? I feel as if I will never land the job that I haven't even applied for yet because I feel I don't have it in me to eloquently communicate myself the way he is able to.
I have not been totally present for others. I am physically there with him, but the people I have been hanging with lately have been bumming me out! One died a couple weeks ago... A couple have tried to commit suicide... I have a former sponsee who called me who is still using and dealing drugs. It is disheartening. I am thankful that I get to make these 12 step visits and calls, but I can't help but wonder if I am sending out the energy that attract only people who are down and out. I don't know...
It's this whole feeling insecure, inadequate, facing possible change, and fear of failing and instability. My sponsor puts it into perspective: I am tripping over something that is hasn't even happened yet. I know this too shall pass and that feelings are not facts... I am thankful that I am managing to stay in action for the most part and able to take a side step to remember that I am responsible for doing the work and God is in charge of the results... That God hasn't brought me this far down the path to drop me... That I am sooo abundantly blessed... I have been marked and miraculous progress... That growth is indeed the word "OW" with a couple of letters on each side and that growth gives me priceless experience that I may fall back on in the future as well as impart with those I get to be of service for.
I must remember when I am feeling overwhelmed, to get back to basics and do what is in front of me... One foot in front of the other. To remember to have the attitude of gratitude of my true daily mandates:
1) If I have one more day sober than I have yesterday, I am all right!
2) What have I done to be of service to another recovery member?
3) Have I been to a recovery meeting?
4) Have I done some step work to effect more clarity with myself
5) Have I prayed?
6) Have I done a gratitude list?
7) Did I do the things I did that I am proud of list?
8) Meditate and listen for God's message and suggestion for me?
9) When I am overwhelmed, am I praising self on the accomplishment of one more thing?
I remember, the one true requirement for an alcoholic/addict like myself is did I stay sober and clean today? Everything else, I get to work on! I need the support, love and response of you folks... Help get me out of H.A.L.T. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired).
Help me... E-mail me... Call me... I am feeling crazy... I need your love and support right now... Something just doesn't feel right... It's growing pains... Hold my hand... Remind me that I am doing ok... Remind me that am perfect just the way I am and just the way I am not... Help me through this... Thank you for being a part of my support group.
With much gratitude,
Quoc
DATE SOMEONE IN THE PROGRAM?
Journal entry: Sunday, September 18, 2005
10:53PM
Read something on the sticker on a car bumper and got inspired to see the following:
KNOW RECOVERY, NO PEACE
NO RECOVERY; NO PEACE
“Why don’t I date someone in the program?” That is the question of the day and the response I got from the guy I have recently been dating. I was driving home was taking a moment to call him to let him know I was thinking about him and missed him and wanted to see him. I didn’t get a chance to say any of the stuff because that was the initial reaction.
Now I may totally take this any number of ways… I think I can relate to all of it as a matter of fact.
First, I felt as if I made a mistake taking time out of my schedule to call him and say hello. It was the one moment I had to myself and I took it to share with him over the phone and I got no appreciation from that. This is of course not true; I could choose to be a victim here. Thankfully, I didn’t stay in this space for long.
Then I felt flattered from his response… I guess what he is telling me is that he wants to see me some more, but doesn’t really have the opportunity because it feels as if I am dating someone else and that someone else’s name is the “Recovery Program.” He feels that he can’t compete with that…
I didn’t quite know how to respond. What I could have said was that I “heard what he was saying”. That if he feels neglected and ignored by me; that certainly is not my intention and if this is how he feels from my lack of attention to him, then I am very sorry… I would reiterate what I did share with him; that he needs to do what is in his best interest; if he feels he is not getting what he needs from this arrangement, then I am totally supportive of whatever decision he makes. I also would reiterate the fact that recovery must be the most important thing for me. He communicated that with me, but also communicated his frustration and feeling like he is competing for attention with my time spent doing recovery work. That is it…
I wonder if my date knows that he really is the first person I have gone out on an official date with since coming into the program… This is all new to me. I did not intend to date someone who is not in the program. I also have no opposition to dating someone who is in the program.
Anyway, the conversation just got awkward and ended. I didn’t get to share these sentiments with him… C’est la vie! I will pray tonight and ask for continued guidance in living one day at a time and really relishing the blessings that I am given each day.
I don’t have to explain myself to my normie roommate or my date or anyone else for that matter what is important to me. What am I defending? There is nothing to defend. Recovery is the most important thing to me. That is a good enough answer. I don’t have to convince them why I am doing what I am doing. My people pleasing side compels me to do so, but I have been able to resist that and just honor what is important to me without having to explain why I do what I do. Only I need understand that because I am the one who must live with the consequences of my actions. Still, I am still learning to deliver the message to others with more finesse. Perhaps I will realize that I don’t even need finesse to the message across. Just share my Truth. Those who love and support me will not need an explanation. Those that do not support me will find my efforts to answer their questions and confirmation of their suspicions.
Yesterday, I went and purchased an LCD flat panel monitor for myself. I treated myself to something really nice from my hard earned money. It is a challenge each day to move into gratitude for the blessings that I get, because I am adjusting to a much lower income then I am accustomed to. I have always worked more than one paying job and really had a high income. Since coming into recovery, I still have multiple jobs, 2 non-paying and 1 paying: my job of staying sober one day at a time; my job of taking care of my health with my HIV status; and of course my paying job working as the Department Coordinator and one of many talented HIV Testing Counselors with the Prevention & Testing Department. This is a full plate!
Today’s highlight is I got to spend time with my baby sister. We hung out in the afternoon taking care of some last minute things in preparation for her going to college. She will be off and running this upcoming weekend. I am glad I got to spend some time with her. I bought her a new cell phone for a belated birthday, graduation gift. We purchased a couple more last minute practical items to take with her to college. We had a huge steak dinner at a very nice restaurant; then we went to see “Tea at Five” at the Pasadena Playhouse starring Kate Mulgrew (Captain Kathryn Janeway from Star Trek Voyager). It was a very enjoyable experience spending time with my sister. I got to see my Father and wipe his face a couple times coming into the house and prior to leaving the house.
I came home about 30 minutes ago, very satisfied from a very long but fruitful day… I got to stay sober one more day. I called a bunch of people in the program to say hello. I called my sponsor. I got to be a loving, fun and supportive brother and son. I had some money to share for treats for myself and for my sister. I arrived safely to all destinations. I have my health and life saving meds. I got to be considerate and loving and supportive of myself and others. I chose to move into solution and work on being non-judgemental, compassionate, loving, tolerant, patient and merciful with myself and with others. I got to live in the image of my Higher Power. These are the huge gifts of my life today.
It has been another blessed day! I give thanks for that!
Thankfully,
Quoc
ALIVE AND AT EASE...
I have recently been blessed with a new friend in my life. We share a common past that has brought us to each of our current places in life. I have really been connecting with this individual. We've bounced e-mails off each other a few times and exchanged introduction on a phone call. It's cool to have a pen-pal. I can see the reward that comes from it.
I can't explain it, but corresponding with this individual allows me to say and write things that I need to see and hear myself! I say what I need to hear, I write what I need to see... I get sooo much from it. I will post some of my responses on days where I don't have time to sit and catch you folks up with my life. Here is the most recent correspondence:
Sent Thursday morning, September 15, 2005...
"Good morning! Just thought I would send you good vibes for a good morning and a great day! Something I remember is if I am having a bad day, I may choose to start it over at any given moment... I am accustomed to the start of the day when I wake up etc... That rule is just applied by popular demand. The truth of what I see is my day starts when I say it starts; also, when I want to start it all over again fresh and new with no mistakes is also at my discretion! So, if you are having a great day, GREAT! If you are having a bad moment that is "ruining your day" then just choose to start it over as if you just woke up from a bad yesterday and have a fresh start on a new day..."
It's stuff I already know, but to see it in black and white and to read it and claim it for myself... It's like an affirmation! I feel better right now! I just think that is cool beans!
Lastly, I read a great passage that I read from a daily meditation via e-mail. I have been receiving these via e-mail on a daily basis. I really liked todays... Here is the link to the passage I believe:
http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2005/583.html
The essence of what it talks about is the art of inactivity. To claim that moments of inactivity and rest are also things that one can do in moving towards a goal of living joyfully and happily today. So, not doing something is also a form of self-love... It rejuvenates and allows my body and mind to be ready to engage in the moments when I am running around busy and living life... I love the last line where it suggests that I "do nothing all; to allow myself to just be.... alive and at ease." That sounds sooo lovely! Goodness knows I love sleep when I get it; especially lately in this cool weather.
Have a great day all... As they say at namaste, remember that my Higher Power sees me as a precious and awesome being. To think otherwise would be to tell my Higher Power that I am right and God is spelled Q.U.O.C. As we know, I have moments when I want to claim that throne, thankfully, I am not that powerful, but my Higher Power is and it resides in me.... It reminds me to experience and express the grandest divine idea of myself and in others. Thank you Reverend Kristin for your inspiring thoughts and words. TODAY, I AM THE SUNLIGHT OF THE SPIRIT. I AM A PRECIOUS AND AWESOME BEING. I AM PERFECT JUST THE WAY I AM AND JUST THE WAY I AM NOT. TODAY, I OWN THE PERFECTION IN MY PROGRESS.
Thank you God for clarity, one more day sober, breath of life... ad infinitum... I gotta get to work! Have a great day folks!
Warm regards,
Quoc
GROWING ACHES?
So, my inners are aching... It's nothing that is tangible that is aching like my muscles, skins, organs, etc... There is a part of me that is aching and yearning to shift into a new space, a bigger space, a different level of seeing things. Perhaps, it's resulting from this "change" that is taking place from identifying my character defects and working to counteract them with acting in opposite of that defect of character...
So, what is it do I want? Maybe it would behoove me to define this further and have an action plan put into place... I feel like I am stuck right at the fork of a road; I should just pick a road and start walking down it... Rather than just standing there bum-fuzzled and scared... I am scared in a way of the unknown... I will pray tonight for God to help take away my doubts of whether I will be taken care of or not. As it is said, God brought me to it, so God'll bring me through it. God didn't bring me this far down the road just to drop me.
I heard a great share in my recovery meeting last night... The speaker shared of her definition of Higher Power. She envisions speaking to herself, but 20 years from now. I really love that example... This helps me, because I love to compare myself with other people. In seeking guidance from other people and hearing a solution, I beat up on myself for not thinking of the simple solution in the first place. This example allows me to pray to a wiser and older self, 20 years from now... What would the wiser, sober and hopefully more mature Quoc say to me? What would he suggest I do?
Tonight, I will try writing a letter to my older self and then write a response letter from my older self to me and see what comes out of that. I will share my frustrations of being at a company I love and am proud to be a member of, but am living paycheck to paycheck. I am going on vacation and don't even have the money to take a trip anywhere. That really sucks. I am a valued and appreciated member of the Department I work in. I adore the people I work with. My boss totally rocks and has a wealth of wisdom and experience that I hope to continue to learn. In the midst, I am struggling financially, unable to help anyone but myself... I realistically don't even have the means of taking someone out on a "nice" date. I have been praying to God in taking my financial insecurities away as well as my fear of financial instability.
Along the same lines of my job, I feel that all my talents are not being used to it's maximum potential. I really want an opportunity to interface with people and not the copy machine, the computer, the fax machine or any other mindless automaton. I feel really stuck; really appreciated and valued, but stuck. I don't quite know how else to describe it. I find great appreciation when I do testing and counseling. I am of direct service and can feel the immediate effects of a good job done. I realize that my current position is very important as well. I am effecting change in a more indirect fashion. I am assisting with keeping the maintenance of the infrastructure. I am good at it, but I am drowning in the paperwork that I am working with... Some days I do literally am drowning in paperwork.
I am begining to see that I am great with people and building rapports with people and breaking down defensive people. I believe there is a very creative part of me that is dying to be discovered and polished up... It has been suggested that I try auditioning for parts as a voice-over. I personally want to interpret for the deaf or teach elementary school or be some sort of a motivational counselor. I love journalizing and can see myself doing that... I have a love for interfacing with people and listening to their stories and doing what I can in guiding them towards find their own Truth. Would I make a good psychologist? All these aspirations require higher education.
This is just a mini blurb of why I feel stuck... I am making effort to stay in the now, to stay in gratitude, but at the same time, I am also giving that part of me that wants more to voice itself. So, I continue doing the work and stay in action. Check my motives, act honorably and stay out of the results... Trust that I will be taken care of. I have been given a huge gift just from coming into recovery, a second chance at life, at re-building relationships, self-love, and appreciating the things I have in this given moment.
I must remember that this is but the beginning of change for me... At 2 years, 3 months and 3 weeks sobriety, I am but a baby learning to walk...
I appreciate your comments and response on your experience or how you can relate to the above... In sharing, you'll help me not feel so alone... you may have a solution that I never thought of trying...
I INVITE YOU TO POST A COMMENT!
Warm regards,
Quoc
I HAVE TWO "QUOTABLES"
I have 2 quotables I believe are my own creation... Please let me know if these are not unique!
One is I love to "microwave my recovery" and issues in my life! I would love to place any problem or challenge in my life on a plate, stick it in the microwave, punch in 2 minutes and DING, solved problem served on a plate!
The other quotable I feel really confident in claiming is talking about my Higher Power and the concept of recovery. I use a buffet table as a metaphor for how God grants me life and recovery.
I am currently walking through the threshold from the old Quoc, tired, obsessive, people pleasing, self-loathing, dishonest, resentful, and fearful self just to name a few into a whole new Quoc full of gusto for life, courage, self love, compassion, tolerant, merciful, patient, non-judgemental, accepting, serene, and more important than anything gratitude for the life I have been blessed with and staying in the moment.
I am just halfway through completing the steps of recovery and I am reaping sooo many amazing rewards! I am doing this recovery thing today not primarily because I am afraid of the ever going back to before I came into recovery... I am doing this recovery thing because I want to continue to experience this amazing feeling of loving the person I am living in right now.
In the mirror, I see a man deserving of love, forgiveness, a second chance of enjoying all the joys and pleasures of life that my Higher Power intended for me to receive. I am greatful for this gift. Just for today, I claim that gift and embrace it as my own.
Just for today, I am willing to share this gift with another person who is seeking to enjoy this path that I am on... Afterall, this was how I got onto this path, someone willing to give me what was so freely given to them.
In the past few months, with the help of my Higher Power, my sponsor, and the numerous number of loving, supportive, and empowering friends I have been able to stay sober: and walk through the death of one of the most important people in my life, my Mom; be a productive member of the workforce; sponsor someone in recovery; be a loving brother and son to my family; start dating and enjoying the experience; spend time with friends and enjoy that experience; see and appreciate the beauty in self that others see in me; and most importantly honor myself and saying yes to meeting my needs... my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health and happiness.
I am sooo blessed!!!
Quoc
