I FEEL GOOD!!!!
I feel good: spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally.... just all around feel good... The time is about 9:50P. I feel incredibly calm, grateful and just good... It's a nice feeling... I am gonna hold onto it...Here is the chain of events that has lead to this... My completing most of the 8th step last week and realizing that I am not as big of an a**hole as I thought I was. I certainly owe some amends to some people and places, but nothing earth-shattering and can't be made right... There is a great sense of relief from that...
Since then... I did another Basic I HIV training to another set of 11 participants. It was not the funnest one, but certainly a learning experience. I got through it and felt the effervescent feeling of having been of maximum service. I know I am meant to be a teacher! I love being with people and participating in a group!
I went on a job interview that was incredibly brief… I still don’t know what to make of it. I am just going to leave it alone and trust that God will place me where I need to be… I need only place recovery first and move forward with that and enjoy life as it comes.
This past weekend, I got to spend some time with a couple of friends... We went shopping at Ikea up in Burbank. I got to look at stuff and get some great ideas from my friends as to how to redecorate and redesign my home. It doesn't have to be the way it is now. Apparently, I have a great home with a lot of potential to play with into making a great little pad for people to hang out in!
On Sunday, I got to suit up and show up to a memorial service for yet another friend who died from the disease of alchoholism, addiction and depression. This man was my first sponsor’s partner in life. I met him when I was but a couple weeks sober; HIV positive, 105 lbs, paranoid, insane, broke, unemployed, homeless and broken spirited. He was such a shining example of hope for me... He stood a black man, HIV positive, 2+ years clean and sober, incredibly fit and good looking, going to UCLA for literature on a full scholarship and going for realizing his dreams… His boyfriend was my sponsor who is extremely handsome, white, fit, and HIV negative… I got to spend time with him on shopping trips to Costco and to eat at restaurants and to just spend time in their home and to go to speak at panels together…
A few months back this man of inspiration succumb to depression which led him down to relapse and his subsequent death from this insidious disease of addiction. I got to see the family of my first sponsor and the family of my sponsor’s dead partner in life… I got to see the pain and grief his death had caused. I felt the rooms of sobriety diminish from the loss of this incredibly beautiful spirit. I remember his share about his favorite chapter in the Big Book.. “There is a Solution.” He shared how he couldn’t get enough of that chapter. There is indeed a solution to sobriety and recovery. There also is a solution to jails, institution and ultimately death. I got to live vicariously through the painful experience of the sister of this man who stood before us crying and sharing stories of her dead brother… I couldn’t help but think about a memorial very much like this should I ever go and relapse and die… It was a sobering experience to say the least.
I spent the afternoon decompressing from the experience… I heard some amazing things and really felt how precious and brief my life is… I am still in shock about his not being here…. I was expecting him to walk in anytime during the memorial to just say what are you all doing? Here I am! He didn’t… The fact that he is dead has not sunk in yet.
Ironically, that very evening, I got to go to a friends birthday party… We ate vegetarian food and vegan food and one Kansas dish that had meat in it! It was a very enjoyable experience. Then I rode back home with my friend… I mucked around the computer some more and turned in for the evening.
This morning, I woke up feeling well rested, but very very lazy with the hazy and cool weather. It was perfect weather to snuggle in bed… Snuggle I did til the very last minute… I considered calling in sick, but dragged my butt up and went to work… I was incredibly calm feeling… I took a few co-workers out on lunch… I put in some work and left work to go to my regular meeting in Beverly Hills…
Throughout all these days, I have filled the days with meetings, recovery, reaching out to other people and staying in gratitude, and in prayer and being mindful of God's love.
My drive home was when I realize how incredibly good I felt… I was singing to the music… I was breathing easily and feeling incredibly healthy… No problems with my tummy, my skin, or anything for that matter… My head was incredibly clear… I felt ok not having been picked to share…
If I was picked here is what I would’ve shared about: thanking the speaker for his share and how I identified with asking why is it me out of all the people who get to live and have a 2nd chance at life. The answer is because you have a child that needs your love, a wife that needs your support, a room full of people who need your experience, strength and hope, who need an opportunity to give and receive love and support from you. Very much the same way, I am able to remember this for myself. I remember a good friend of mine would remind me, utilize, don’t analyze… don’t compare, stay teachable. This past weekend, I got to suit up and show up for a friend who died from this disease. I got a real reminder of how progressive and fatal this disease is. I wanted to share about why I feel so good… It coincidentally, coincides with my having completed a lot of my 8th step and not having to repeat these things that created the wreckage of my past and present. In working the steps when I was new, I had tools but didn’t know how to use them to live life… I was muddling around in the dark… Sex, work… etc.. just clueless… I was just doing things blind… As I continued working the step, I am able to shed light on the very things I have done… I get to open my eyes and see the unhealthy behaviors that I thought was ok and acceptable or was baffling to me when I was new. I am able to literally see the ugly and unattractive people I was willing to f*ck around with and now with the light of sobriety see how unappetizing my behavior and actions were and are. Today, I get to pick and choose from my basket of solutions for death or solutions for life. I choose life today… Thank you for letting me share.
As someone I deeply in recovery shared... Don't tell your God how big your storm is... Tell your storm how big your God is!
There is so much more going on in my life… Above is a summary of what has happened in just the last week.. I am still dying to get this website updated and appealing for people to read and most importantly enjoy the many pictures I am taking on a daily basis of my life.
Thanks for continuing to view this site and supporting me!
Hugs,
Quoc
posted by Quoc @ 9:49 PM E-mail me!
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