SAME PROBLEMS DRESSED UP DIFFERENTLY...
I just came home from my Tuesday night meeting.. Here are some random thoughts... I was thinking about how these are just recurring themes and problems that are going on in my life. They just are dressed up differently. They have been unresolved. Some problems will never resolve itself. The only way to resolve it is to just address it when it does come up. Others actually may be treated and cured and need not return again, but I must treat it completely. I truly feel continuing to work the steps and completing all 12 steps (at least to step 9) will really open my eyes, my ears, my tactile senses and my heart to a higher level. It certainly will open the door for my soul to feel the sunlight of my Higher Power!
I really love my Tuesday night 10P meeting. I am sooo glad it’s there. The secretary is incredibly hot and he gets amazing speakers!!! He totally breaks the rule of not to get your friends to share… He’s asked some amazing people to share!
So, if I raised my hand and shared what would I have said… Or what were the thoughts that went on in my head while I was sitting in the meeting…
This meeting is sooo special… very magical quality about it… It indeed is filled with the collective consciousness of my Higher Power. I don’t feel as alone as the meeting progresses. I get to think about solutions. My dishonest acts and transgressions or other acts of indiscretions come to the surface so it may be addressed.
I thought about responsibility and not wanting responsibility and in order not to get there, I sabotage myself and not complete the work that will take me to the next level of success as with the rewards that come with spiritual maturity, so are there “burdens” and responsibilities that I need to uphold. I am afraid of these responsibilities first because I am lazy… and number two I am desperately afraid of failing and not being able to take the heat and manage the responsibilities I have earned from my hard work.
Someone used analogies in his share… I was imagining lotus flowers… These are beautiful and robust flowers that can flourish and draw the nutrients and necessary life sustaining minerals it needs from really swampy gross water. It is able to filter out the not to healthy stuff and be able to draw upon that which works for it. There is more swamp and gross stuff than nutrients, yet there is the lotus flower flourishing and abundant!
I am sooo focused on victimization! I put myself in a place where my focus is on being a weak victim… The pay off to being a helpless victim is that you feel sorry for me. You give me attention. You say nice things to me to encourage me. You won’t be as firm or direct with me if something I am doing doesn’t agree with you. You will give me extra TLC. You will talk about it to your friends and you all will do nice things for me… This is my perceived pay off from being a victim…
In focusing on being a victim, I miss out on seeing and fully acknowledging the value of the gifts that I have received today for staying sober and staying in solution.
One is the opportunity to welcome a new member to this meeting who celebrated 28 years sober to the meeting tonight and getting to know her.
Another is my opportunity to be of service to a friend who relapsed and is feeling sh*tty and is considering going to meetings. It’s none of my business, if he has the desire, then I show up and be of service. The best thing that will happen is that he may or may not join and stay clean and sober as well as me stay clean and sober and get to be of service and get to go to a meeting. The worst thing that will happen is that he may not stay clean and sober and still yet I will get to stay sober and go to a meeting and get to be of service.
Another is the grand opportunity I get to develop my training skills and having the opportunity to be a trainer and help a bunch of new counselors learn to be the best counselors!
In being a victim, I dismiss the things that are really invaluable in my life. I don’t focus on gratitude and solution… Instead I focus on the negative… At the end of the training all I did was complain about having a headache and how tired I am and overworked I am. I was looking for kind pity strokes from the training coach and others…
I didn’t turn today’s problems and negative thoughts I had over to the care and management of my Higher Power. God, please take care of my problems and help me work through everything with grace and gratitude and with gratification that I am doing the best with what I have and that is perfection in the most human sense! God, help me not outgrow being human and maintain perspective on life that goes on around me.
Help me complete the stepwork so that I may have this spiritual awakening and carry the message to the alcoholic/addict/person who still suffers.
Help me find balance with everything I do and also to find the strength to juggle what many others are doing with a lot of zeal, excitement… WORK, EXERCISE, STEPWORK, FUN, DATING, FELLOWSHIPING, SELF CARE TIME.
God, thank you for another day clean and sober and with an opportunity to grow. Please help me let go of today’s negative thoughts and to keep the experiences that I learned from mistakes made and the growth I had.
Highlights… Finally my roomate was the one who talked about the pink elephant. We addressed it and let it go. I was not comfortable because I have not been completely forthcoming and honest with him because of my selfish thoughts and being assumptive… Remember that experiences like these will backfire and I may end up on the victim side of things in the future… I also had a difficult time spending 30+ minutes going up and down the elevator, going up and down the stairs in the heat, and strolling all around without having the courage and balls to just check out the apartment.
Today’s defects I practiced were assumptive, mind reading, cowardice, self loathe, selfish… I was very disrespectful of myself and very mean to myself and treated self without respect and love. I justified it. What I get to do is learn from today’s experience so that I don’t have to go through today ever again, if I don’t want to!
Quoc
BREATHE IN FAITH... BREATHE OUT FEAR...
There is a phrase of the gorilla on my back... Well, here is a snapshot of my addiction in my head... It indeed takes the shape of a gargantuan gorilla... Right now it's resting, but it constantly has a keen eye on me at all times waiting for any moment for me to slip and for it to go bananas on me and really f*ck me up...
So, tonights speaker shared sooo eloquently about breathing into my body the Faith that God has for me... The nurture and care from a loving support group, the growth and experience from mistakes made, the opportunity to be of service, those moments when we can just pause in the pursuit of happiness to just be happy and appreciate the surroundings just right now... Then I get to follow it up with breathing out fear from my body... The negative perceptions and thoughts that I have of life, fear of financial insecurity, emotional and physical pain, feeling abandoned, alone, hopeless, helpless, and powerless... Feelings that no matter how hard I try or how much effort I put into working towards something that "persistence is futile."
I will try this as a meditation... With each deep breath I take in, I breath in love, faith, care, nurture, support, the spirit of God... Then when my lungs an inner being can't breathe anymore of this love in, I breathe out with ease and comfort the negative and toxic thoughts, feelings, and fears of everything from the status of my finances, my job, my home, my relationships familial to friendly to romantic, my health, and just let it leave my body... Then follow up with another breath of warm, fuzzy, loving energy and spirit of God...
So, God tells me to share with him all my fantasies and let Him make all my dreams come true... What about having a boyfriend that is as beautiful on the inside as well as be as beautiful on the outside as this man is! Whoa!!!! HUBBA!!! HUBBA!!!
So, I thought of a great analogy to where I am in my steps... In the past three (3) plus years I have been in recovery... I have learned a great deal and have climbed quite a few wrungs up the ladder of recovery or the steps of recovery if you will... Then, I had a slip... Here is the thing with a slip... When one slips in recovery, my feeling is that we physically start all the way from the bottom of the staircase/wrungs. I have knowledge and experience and forsight on what I get to re-experience down the road if I continue trudging the road of recovery again... It's up the steps... I actually know and see it... But I must reclimb and take every step again one day at a time, one breath at a time, one meeting at a time, etc...
Another helpful visual is of me rock climbing... I climb up to step eight and have invested 3 years learning all the little footholds and steps that have brought me to where I am up the rock of life. I then slip... Now, because I have a strong foundation, I truly believe that was the rope that kept me from plummeting to my death. Instead, I was caught by God, through God before I went splat! God did allow for me to drop hard enough on my noggin or on my bum in order to feel the consequences of my actions. Otherwise, there would be no motivation and incentive for me to run away from the disease and towards recovery.
In falling though and picking myself back up, I don't start back exactly where I left off when I slipped... Instead, I start back from foothold and handhold number one. I have experience and knowledge and know some of the traps that lay before me because I have gone through some of these trials and obstacles. I am able to find solutions and tools that will help me move forward a little more efficiently. I still start from the bottom and have to work my way back up again.
This time hopefully with less stumbling until I get to where I was at three years... Then I get to gain more experience strength and hope and cast lines down to those who are at the bottom and need a hand in climbing the rock of recovery... They follow the line and the path that I have taken... The very ones that others have taken before me and guide me through staying clean and sober and sane for the rest of today...
Thank you for continuing to keep me in your thoughts, prayers and including me into your life... This connection completes this whole wonderful process called life... There are sooo many avenues in life that any one person can experience... But our collective consciousness and experience can move us forward with strength and unity... I can't, but we will prevail!
One day at a time, I've completed 38 days clean and sober... Man are these one day at at times slow... I have to let go of the shame and negative thoughts I have about the 1200+ consecutive days of clean and sober time that I lost from my first time around... Sigh... Just for today... Just for today... Just for today...
Cheers,
Quoc
32 DAYS AND FEELING DUMPY!
I called in sick today... I am suffering from fatigue, the beginnings of depression, fear of work, insecurities, and just flat out frustrated with everything not being peaches and cream!
I set boundaries with someone that I didn't want him around me for now because he's manic and toxic... It's one thing to be of service if I have it to transmit, but right now, I am in no place to send out reserves of love to others when I need it for myself... It's not easy not people pleasing and setting boundaries for self. Am I doing it perfectly? Absolutely not. I am doing it though...
I am on the hunt for another job too... I am just sooo irritable and discontent with everything around me... I am ungrateful, irritable, horny, and feeling shame for feeling these things considering I have sooo many gifts in my life... So, what I get to do is feel the feelings, be rigorously honest and tell the Truth, ask for help and take those suggestions when I do ask for help... Set boundaries for people who want to offer me suggestions or direction when I don't want suggestions or direction and be okay with it if they get upset or offended. How they feel and behave and react to me is none of my business if my side of the street is clean...
I am just really messed up right now... I am avoiding the 8th step.. I kinda did a mini 4th step... I just have to formalize it by placing it in columns and reading it to someone... Anyone care to hear my mini 4th step of resentments? LOL...
Gotta get to bed... Thank you James for your continued love and support.... And all those who continue to send me good vibes. They are graciously and received with arms wide open!!! I feel undeserving of it, but I need only take contrary action.
Cheers...
Quoc
RANDOM THOUGHTS...
So, just to let you folks know that I am still alive... I thought I would just edit and post a personal journal that I wrote onto this site... There are times when I need to withdraw into the safety of writing freely without concern and needing to be conscientious about being judgemental or sharing something that is hurtful to someone else... But very much like what my former therapist shared with me, "the feeling have to go somewhere." The toxic venom and negative thoughts have to go somewhere so that some relief can be had... In writing, a lot of the times, getting to vent is just the relief that I need to feel better... Other times, writing will allow me to see, feel, and read what is really going on and actually be able to shine some light on the problem so I can actually work it out... It's much better than allowing it to get bounced around in my head with the "crazy drunken monkey" to play with and manipulate in a way that will really f*ck with me...
So here goes... This journal are just some random thoughts I need to puke out of my head to feel better...
Feeling… uplifted… speaker shared about crazy drunken monkey…
I thought of working out just like my steps… Eventhough I didn’t feel like working out last evening and it was painful to work out last evening, I did it anyway… So, regardless of whether I feel like it or not, just do the work and I the results will happen… I will get stronger and healthier and more fit if I continue working out despite how I feel or think about it. To coin the phrase, it works if you work it, not it works if you think it… It works if you know it… It works if you want it… It works if you need it… It only works if I work it!!! Steps, exercise, spiritual growth, setting boundaries, letting myself be vulnerable to people who want to love me and get to know me. I will inevitably get better if I continue to do work on my sobriety regardless of how I feel.. I just gotta do the work!!!
Pick up the phone and ask how someone else is without sharing about how my day went... when I have moments of feeling sorry for myself or angst about situations and circumstances in my life that are challenging.
Pick up the phone when someone I don’t like calls and be of service and make myself available to them regarding 12 step work…
Crazy thoughts…
(*****)… feeling bad about ignoring his phone calls and text messages.
(Sponsor)… not calling and sharing with Sponsor about my job situation and my problems with "*****" and other people who’ve been mean to me during these past 30 days… Talk to them or not? I am withholding and being vengeful. I am playing a victim and taking something personal. I am nursing something that the other party has totally forgotten!!! I am not extending tolerance to someone who is human and an alcoholic and made a mistake… How nice is it for me to hold a grudge and be this petty, sensitive and unloving?
"****" is now on my 4th step… for telling me what to do by having to return his phone calls or else… He’s not my Mother… He’s not my Sponsor.
Pray… God, please do not remove this person from me until I have learned what that person is there to teach me.
Job situation… Do the pros of keeping my current job and the pros for applying for the West Hollywood Job... Then Pray… God, please keep my head quiet long enough to hear your whispers in my heart.
First what is going on? I am feeling there is too much work… Work that I don’t like doing… Managing a program and people, having to do reports and work on budget and things that are technical and affect things that I am not confident about working with and manipulating like numbers and budgets…etc… I am working in an environment where most people in the Department are not happy where they are… The morale is SOOOO low!!! I can’t even fall onto someone else to inspire me and keep the hope that things will get better in the department that I work in. I don’t get to provide direct services to clients because I am bogged down with shuffling paper!!! I spoke to "***" who shared with me that I am helping people in an indirect way because there needs to be someone to manage and keep the organization etc… What I really want to do is to test and be a counselor and help with organization events and be a trainer and develop that.
I had the opportunity to try out management and right now due to multiple factors, my experience in management sucks!!! It’s such a darn challenge!!! There is no unity… There is no united effort by management to care for the workers that work sooo hard within the department… There is no recognition and no compensation and no excited spirits to boost us to tap into our potentials as caring individuals who want to make a difference to this very special faction of people who are at risk for HIV/STD and to care for the people who are living with HIV/AIDS. This is an amazing group of people who have sooo much love to give, but need love to be given back in return and receiving none and now we’re wilting in the shadows of this department… It’s such a darn shame!
... Okay... that was my blurb... To end this quick blurb... I celebrated completion of 31 consecutive days of continuous sobriety. Under Sponsor direction, I reluctantly took my last newcomer chip and stood up to identify as a newcomer... That is on Monday, July 10, 2006. I better not forget it if I ever think about going out again because I'd have to do it all over again for another 30 days... That is if I make it back and God knows what condition I would be in if I made it back... I came back in pretty good shape because I had a lot of sober insurance invested and put away... My slip didn't cause for me to die because I do work a darn good program!
I slipped because I am an addict/alchoholic who is powerless over alcohol before I came into recovery... when I came in 3 years ago... and when I came back over 30 days ago, today, and in 3 years or 30 years... I am an addict/alchoholic who has lost the power of choice to resist picking up the drug/drink when it is placed in front of me... So, feeling bad about myself and beating up on myself for having relapsed implies that I have some willpower over the choice to get loaded when the opportunity presented itself... This is very very important for me to remember... It's throught DIVINE INTERVENTION and only through a Power greater than myself that I can stay clean and sober one day at a time.
Having been back for 30+ consecutive days, I notice all these defects pop up... All these little things that I may have missed when I did my first 7 seven steps... I get to go back and be thorough and clean up those areas where I am arrogant, prideful, judgemental, vengeful, condescending, witholding, belligerent, and DISHONEST just to name a few... I get to see all this insanity come to life in 3D action and watch it eat me up... Man!!! How much do I want to be rid of this?
I commit to work on step 8 one hour each day until I complete it!!! I need to get through my stepwork if there is any chance for me to have that spiritual connection with my Higher Power and get to maintain my sanity by carrying the message to the addict/alcoholic who still suffers... I really want that.. but my this huge defect of sloth and being lazy and procrastination has totally re-awakened and taken hold of me by the balls...
Just like the movie "A Beautiful Mind," I have to remember that the disease (crazy drunken monkey) will be there all the time to do everything in it's power to drive me to relapse, thus jails, institutions or death... but it will settle for me being miserable.. I need to remember to stay vigilant when these thoughts come up to excuse them and not pay attention to them and debunk them with positive imagery, thoughts, and behaviors... It helps to refocus on other people and be of service and do esteemable acts and just anything to get out of this craziness that is constantly setting traps for me to fall victim of.
I am powerless, not hopeless or helpless... God help me!!!
Quoc
ID4... NOT THE LUBE!!!
Fourth of July 2006 was pretty uneventful... I slept in... I made more progress cleaning up my room... I went to work as testing counselor (yes! even on 4th of July!)... I came home... Watched some TV... Rested some more... Went up to the roof of my apartment complex and watched fireworks from 8:22P - 9:30P... Went to my late night 10P recovery meeting at West Hollywood Recovery Center... Came home... Ate some more food... Now making preparations to go to sleep...
So, these past few weeks of my new position has caused me physical pain... I have been very committed to doing the best job at my work... In doing so, I have committed considerable personal resources and compromised my balanced routine of rest, eating, personal time, as well as time with my friends, and of course my recovery meetings... The result has been upset stomach and the on-set of ulcer pains... Uh oh!!! Oh no!!! I have been popping Pepcid AC chewable tablets like tic tacs... Actually no more than 2 every 24 hours; which is the maximum recommended... Darn it!!!
What happened? Probably having relapsed about 25 days ago didn't help matters. Fortunately, I caught it early enough and am slowly on the mends. I am not completely bed-ridden curled in fetal position from the sheer agony of having an ulcer. I remember that all too clearly from the past. I am not about to let myself go there again. No job is worth this much stress... As Mom said, making all this money isn't worth diddly if I get sick because all the money in the world may not be able to heal the damage caused from neglecting oneself!
Another highlight is my spiritual moment connecting with Mom last night... I moved into prayer last night sitting in my leather office chair at home... I started talking out loud to Mom...
"Mom, I miss you... I miss your cooking... I feel really alone... I am very melancholy without your physical presence... I don't want to use... I don't want to abuse my body and do things to myself that are unhealthy and damaging... I am having a really hard time... I am really scared... I feel really weak and feeble... I wish you were here..."
Tears started rolling down my face as I continued just freely and honestly verbalizing my feelings to Mom... I started crying... I kept that to about 5 minutes...
Then, I moved into meditation and verbalized what Mom would've said to me if she were right there...
"Son, don't be sad son... What do you have to be sad about... You are such a good son... I am sooo proud of you... I miss you too... I need you to continue looking after your sisters... Judy is still really young and going to school... I am not there to look after her... Cook her some soup and hang out with her... You, Chin and Judy need to stick together... You are family... Stay close... Look after one another... You are a good son... Remember to be gentle with yourself son... There is no one else who will look after you right now as you are living on your own... Take the love that I gave you when I was around and use it for yourself... Eat and enjoy the foods that you like... Takes trips and travel... With regards to your clutter... Son, you can learn from me... You don't have to keep everything for fear of not having enough... You are living in the richest country in the world. People are dying from being too well fed, not starving... You are abundantly being provided for... You don't have to be the best of everyone that is around you. You only have to be the best man that you can be for yourself... I find comfort with where you are now because I see the people who love and care for you... They care for you and love you and support you because you have given that to them... love, care, and support... I am sooo proud of you... 'You are my heart, kidney and 5 organs' (in chinese that means that I am one of the most important things to her)... I love you son... Take care of yourself son... Don't put poisons into your body... Do what you want... Don't limit yourself like the way I did... Give completely of yourself when helping others... But don't forget to give completely to yourself when you have the chance to love yourself as well and also let yourself be completely vulnerable to those people that want to love you, kiss you, hold you, and want to be around you... Hold your arms wide open and receive that love. This is God and Mommy's way of sending our love to you through them... You are a good son... You've always been a good son... Don't forget that..."
Hearing her words and her voice come out of me was sooo immensely healing... I immediately felt inspired and uplifted to clean up my clutter with more of a gusto... I was able to throw things away that I really DIDN'T need. I was able to hold to my promise not to touch any sheet of paper more than 2 times! I am able to try harder in looking seriously at whatever I need to address whether I really NEED to address, or is it I WANT to address it... I get to prioritize and let go of the thnigs that really don't matter to make room for the really pressing things that WILL improve my physical, emotional, and spiritual health!
They are physical exercise and eating healthier; reading and completing the self help and spiritual books as well as doing the exercises; and working on my stepwork and completing my stepwork along with unity and service... It's having fun and celebrating each day that I get... It's asking for what I want but accepting and being grateful for what I have. Not having expectations, but just setting some goals but have the attitude of "let's see what happens..."
What is the attitude I am waking up with? What is my attitude as the day progresses? Am I remembering that in living with expectations and with pessimism, I am distracting myself from all the beauty, gifts and blessings of life? Am I focusing on the few challenges that are going on in my life or focusing on why I am doing all this anyway? Am I remembering that mistakes made are opportunities for growth and feeling the pain from growth will allow me to really appreciate when I have moments to rejoice and be happy?
So, I got to watch the fireworks tonight at the rooftop of the apartment... If I am not happy about how things turned out, what I get to do is to change things around so that things are different for the future... If I change nothing, then nothing changes... How much do I want things to be different? My actions will tell me, Higher Power and the Universe of what my motives, intentions and goals are...
God, please help me through this... My loving support group... YES THAT IS YOU READING THIS RIGHT NOW... I support you and ask for you to reach out and hang out with me and remind me to fellowship, treat myself right, to receive and embrace love, and to just enjoy life...
THINE WILL AND MINE BE ONE... PROVECHO! May this Independence Day celebrate wisdom to be free from bondage of my disease and have the Power of God to live happy, joyous, and free...
Quoc
