Hello all!!! Thank you sooo very kindly for visiting my website. As promised, before I even begin to make any personal entries of any kind; I would like to thank my incredible friend Brad from Chicago, Illinois (Website designer extraordinaire and hunky guy) who LITERALLY made this website possible for me. He is my Web Wizard who designed and posted this site with all the tender love and care in the world! I only hope that he knows how much this means to me... Thank you Brad!!! *big ol' smoochie for ya*
Also, before I begin, I also would like to dedicate this website to a couple guys: Chris and Jim of Long Beach, California (aka my life saviors); well frankly, I wouldn't be sitting here writing this journal entry without their swooping in, during my desperate moment of need and save the embodiment of my heart and soul!!! It is just by chance (or fate) that Chris and Jim were present at the right time and the right place to save me from myself in my moment of utter and complete lack of regard for my "supposed" precious life. There are a 'slew' of other people to whom I can identify who are integral members in maintaining and preventing me from moving into the next planar of existence. Thank you Chris and Jim for being there for me in my moment of despair... You are indeed my guardian angels and I do owe you a life debt. *bear hug for two humanoids who each possess a bigger heart than mine*
Without further adieu, I would like to begin... I have postponed journalizing because I didn't feel that I was ready or had the perfect thought in mind for people to view and place under the scrutiny of their critical eyes. I was indeed inspired by a guy named Keith who created a website with a photo and on-going written journal. I didn't feel I could match the eloquence that Keith was able to etch onto this screen; he managed to write with details and articulation where I was able to conjure up to the smallest detail a physical thing he was describing or an intangible thought that he was emotionally expressing! I have great admiration for this man and his ability to eloquently articulate this thoughts, emotions, and images within his mind and pass/share the beauty of the thought/image into my mind and incorporate that extra tidbit knowledge into my everyday life.
HAPPY POST COMING OUT DAY!!! Yes, just about a little over 24 hours ago, was the dawn of National Coming Out day... A day where one who identifies with the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, non-heterosexual (essentially anything but "straight") community would take a moment today to "come out" and proclaim their sexual identity/orientation proudly; whether that is to oneself; to a friend or coworker; or to those loved ones we hold near and dear our hearts; today was the day to proudly proclaim that we are proud to be __________ (in my case, QUEER!!!). I will have to refer back to my old journal entries, but it's been about 8+ years or so in my coming out experience. If you missed coming out to someone that really matters to you and you feel the urge to draft that person into your circle of supportive friends/loved ones of your non-heterosexual journey through life, it's not too late!!! THIS WHOLE MONTH IS NATIONAL COMING OUT MONTH! Whatever your decisions, make it good for your mind and spirit, your heart and soul, and the embodiment that carries and holds together this congregation of entities that make us "who we are."
My highlight for this national coming out day (by the way, I didn't know until later this evening that it was even the day of coming out and proclaiming proud and queer) is my mother finally coming around to accepting who I am.... Oh hell, regardless of the ill feelings we have of our parents (some of which are completely justifiable), most of our Mothers' and Fathers' mean nothing but the best of intentions for our present and future well-being. I hear the messages written between all the not sooo smooth and silky phrasiology my Mother uses in an attempt to modify my attitude and consequently my behavior to take better care of myself. Unfortunately, as rambunctious and eternal rebellious offspring that some of us (yes me too!!) choose to hear what we want to hear; when there is a sliver of opportunity to use "what they say" (not the message being delivered within the expressed thought) as a scapegoat to save ourselves from self-blame and self-accountability for the f**ked up lives that we we attempt to stifle through (this pertains to not so good times), we take what we can get! S***, those people who can relate to me with regards to the self-loathing and self-abusing perfectionist self know that we do a resilient job of ripping ourselves apart; we don't friggin' need others to remind us any more about our f**ked up lives and the cause (most of us blame ourselves) behind the "failure."
This past evening, I had scheduled a dinner rendezvous with my Mother at the home I grew up in (Bellflower). The thing is, I had a falling out with her three (3) months back and parted ways from her. Prior to that, I had never been away from my family for any longer than a 2 week time span (which is typically due to a vacation excursion). This time, I parted on very very bad terms with my family. It has been a painful, arduous, and sometimes almost unmanageable three (3) months... (THAT IS FOR ANOTHER JOURNAL ENTRY) Suffice it to say, I have managed to lose over 35 pounds (from 145 lbs to less than 110 lbs), most of my independent sanity, as well as my motivation and will to continue on this planar of existence (every now and then). I am giving thanks for this great leap allowing my staggered life to finally stand on terra firma! Now I may use my hands for other purposes beyond just trying to assist each leg to lift out of the thick and merciless muddy swamp of life I was treading through.
My Mother and I were diplomatic and cordial with one another... No hugs, no apologies (at least not on my part) for damage done from our last falling out. I am not yet ready to cave and verbally apologize for the atrocities I had done in the past; maybe I just haven't gotten up the courage to do so. She made my favorite dinner meal (stir fried beef, tomato and garlic); I ate very little because of the awkward moment of not being in the house I grew up in for over 2-3 months. The meal very quickly came crashing down with the presence of my sister CoLLeen. I couldn't bring up the courage to talk with Mom with her *ss sitting right there between Mom and me (borrowing money to pay off the car). Darn it!!! I wouldn't have minded and should've been a bit more bold about wanting a bit of privacy between Mom and me. I will have to set up a tea outting with Mom where she and I may have a heart to heart without 3rd party distractions/obstructions. Without mentally exhausting myself and boring you with too many details, the conversation turned into very tearful moments and me walking out the door because I couldn't have things my way. I really was making every attempt to be cordial, professional, genuine and honest with where I was in my life (without giving Mom too many details that may worry her about me like my health), only to hear suggestions of mistrust towards me and doubt. I understand where those feelings are coming from, but my goodness, is there tact within expressing oneself without rubbing salt into still a fresh wound from one party to another?! I immediately acted in defense and returned fire; having been out on my own for three months has definitely calloused and toughened my hide a bit. My syntax is definitely taxxed (i.e. - I use profanities practically with every other line that spews from my speech-conducting orifice); and my way of communicating myself mirrors the other person and when feeling attacked, I will defend myself fiercely! All I remember was the communication crumbling down to the point of her asking me if she was capable of being disowned... I responded without hesitation YES. If she f**kin' even considered and unreasonable and st*p*d question like that, then a trite response she will be reciprocated with! She scurried away breaking down into tears and wails...
So, my way of stitching up the wound that my sis and I unintentionally imposed upon each other was directly head over to the coming out group down in Long Beach. I cried and sobbed myself all the way down to the Long Beach Gay and Lesbian Center. I called Chris and Jim, then DeeDeeS along the way. I didn't want to be alone... I really wanted to hear that I wasn't a self-absorbed, selfish, greedy person... I wanted to be reassured that I am trying my best to sustain myself and am making every attempt to care for my well-being. I made it safely down to the Center. I couldn't stop crying when I got there and finally stopped when I had my oppportunity to say my piece in the Rap session. I am not sure how coherent I sounded or how well put together my thoughts were verbalized; all I knew was that I was very upset at myself for not having the maturity and a big enough heart to take one step down for my Mom or my sister to feel supported and held up in the warmth of life's light. Mom was able to do that and did it with all the grace any loving Mother could have done for her child. CoLLeen and I failed miserably.
During the coming out meeting, one of the members passed on a business card that had a very very deep meaning behind it from my interpretation... "Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words." - by George Eliot... If only my sis and I would've just shut the f**k up and sit and be quiet and look into each other's eyes and listen to each others hearts would we find that we share common ground and share that pain that we feel no one else in the world can ever possibly fathom. Then also look in front of that pain and how big our hearts are no matter how much it is aching, bruised and hurting... that we're willing to set that out in front of us as siblings and family members and truly REALIZE THE INSURMOUNTABLE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND CARE we have for one another (and one another's well being). All that verbal diarhea gets in the way and causes for misunderstood and misinterpretted ill feelings; that which we both had for the other as our conversation corroded away but our tears of love for one another never diminished...
Each of us need support because we are sooo very desperately low on life fuel due to the incredible challenges that are weighing down our life and literally draining the life energy out of us. Unfortunately, our desire to help the other is short-circuited because we lack the fuel to help the other due to our need to reserve what little energy each of us have within ourselves just to sustain our fragile lives. Both of us are keeping our noses barely above water, when we go under and our noses take in water, we spew it out through our tear ducts in the form of sad painful cries of pain.... We both want to help the other; we each need help from the other... Both of us are emotionally crippled to the point of only having enough fumes within us to self sustain... Just enough to keep from ending up six (6) feet under the ground. She keeps thinking I don't understand where she is in here life and how important she is to me... Her lack of tact in expressing herself to me is her undoing... They trigger defense responses within me which unfortunately inflict pain upon her; consequently, there is this volley of hurtful words exchanged.... Neither of us is ready for the other; eventhough, the most ideal remedy to this challenge is the other's support.... Sigh.... Any suggestions from anyone with regards to this dilemma?
I had a great coming out evening rap session with my gay & lesbian father and mother (facilitators for the group) as well as the group members. Each of us are in incredibly different phases of coming out in our lives... Some just barely acknowledging the word "gay", others in the midst of the downhill/uphill ride or corkscrew of the ride, others just in a mellow plateau, and of course there are those like me in the midst of the Goliath vertical drop that marks another turning point in our lives! I have added to my army of support some cool recruits!!! Wahoo! I believe other people may consider if not have already drafted me into their circle of supportive friends in the on-going saga of coming out!
Tonight, I give thanks to my friends and loved ones who physically contributed to my life today (of course there are those who were with me in spirit... too many to mention): Chr*s, J*m, D*wn, *r*n*, Br*d, M*m, Ch*n, J*dy, D*n*s*, St*v*, L**r*n, R????, S*n**&Spouse.... any anyone else I may have forgotten...
Good night all... It's 1:55 AM... I am exhausted and my tear ducts are dry from crying then laughing later in the eve at Portfolio with good company and conversation.... This is definitely no introduction to whom I am... May there come a day when I get the opportunity to share... Tonight, I felt it deem appropriate to share my first entry on this wonderful post coming out day evening....
Be thee well all... I will correspond shortly! *HUGZ* Quoc
*PS - my annoying hitch for the day... having to deal with abandoning my baby prelude
posted by Quoc @ 2:01 AM E-mail me!
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