Quoc's Web Journal

GROWING OLD TOO FAST... GROWING SMART TOO SLOW...

So, I heard this phrase, “growing old too fast... and growing smart too slow…”

Unfortunately, for a lot of us, this is the case where we end up at some point in our lives we all of a sudden come to and realize decades have past and goals and dreams we had haven’t been realized. This could’ve been my story if I continued on using crystal meth and smoking myself into oblivion.

Instead, I have been spared the growing too old too fast and realizing it too late… I came into recovery… And in setting my smart alec attitude aside and being willing to take suggestion and live life differently, I have been able to get smart a lot faster… Smart enough not to put anymore poison into my body… In staying clean and sober one day at a time, I am learning this poison I put into my body doesn’t necessarily have to be a chemical… I have been feeding myself poisonous rhetoric, words, thoughts, actions that have really poisoned my mind, body and spirit!

Thankfully, just in the past few months, I have been willing to work the steps reluctantly, but worked them… In doing so, I have been able to expel and purge this poisonous reserve from me a little at a time… The biggest step was this past weekend; the weekend of Chinese New Year… On Saturday morning, 2/24/07, I went over to my sponsor’s home with my completed 8th step and read it to him… He helped me streamline and clean it up in a fashion where I can properly do the 9th step… This is a huge clean up step… It states that “I am to make direct amends to people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” Upon completing this emotional step… I cried upon reading the harm that I caused my Mom… Suffice it to say there were a lot of tears that came from doing this step…

Upon completion of reading the 8th step and having a format by which I will be going out to make amends to the multitudes of people and institutions I have caused harm to, my sponsor told me to get ready to do the first amends in the next few minutes… The first amends was going to be to myself… Oh my God, I was sooo unprepared for that!!! He gave me an outlined script that I was asked to memorize, but not perfectly, just to get the idea of the message that I needed to deliver…

I was crying and very very nervous in anticipation of this amends to me… I was walked over to his pool house and sat in front of a full length mirror hanging onto the bathroom door of the poolhouse…. Then he had me commence… It was very painful confessing and admitting the harm I did to this man in the mirror… I was instructed to look straight into the eyes of the man in the mirror when speaking; not at his chin or his cheeks… I took many breaths and shed lots and lots of tears. I was sooo exhausted by the end of the confession session…

I was then instructed to close my eyes and make the transition from the person that just made these confessions to the man in the mirror, the one who just has been enduring all these years of harm… I was asked to open my eyes and assume the role of that person and speak from the heart… no script of any kind… Just let myself say whatever comes to mind…

The expectation was rage, anger, resentment and merciless attack on this man who admitted to actions done leading to: my being HIV and need to take meds for the rest of my life and face rejections by men who are afraid of being in a relationship with and HIV positive person; my financial wreckage; stolen time that could’ve been spent with my family; and just a lot of emotional damage caused from years and years of self deprecation.

What actually came out was a man who was forgiving, compassionate, loving, supportive and just glad that harm is no longer being done… I remember the words that came out of my mouth… “Quoc, I have been waiting 31 years for you to say the things that you are saying to me...” I forgave me… I offered support and love…. I told me that in order to make amends to this relationship and make it right again, I don’t have permission to: people please; to act/think in a self-loathing fashion; be dishonest; to not set boundaries; to not go for my hearts desires and make my dreams of becoming a teacher, journalist or interpreter to come true; to no longer be anything less than loving and supportive of me and being true to myself!!! There were a lot of tears shed from this end…

When I finished… Deep breaths were taken… I had a few moments to just be quiet with me… My sponsor walked over to me, hugged me and told me how proud of me he was and looked into the mirror and commented on how this exercise isn’t as silly as I commented it would be. He instructed me to go home, be quiet with myself and just spend some time processing everything that just transpired this morning… I did exactly that…

What a way to bring in the new year! It was such a cleansing experience… That evening, I took the night off from a meeting and spent it over at uncle 5’s home… The my sisters, Micol, the cousins and their family were there. The aunt made a hotpot meal that we sat together and enjoyed. It was nice to be with family… Later in the evening, we went as a group to bring in the new year at the temple in chinatown… Firecrackers were lit… There weren’t a lot of people as there was a lot of crowd control and law enforcement there to keep everyone in line an minimize any chaos… It was nice…

Suffice it to say, this past week, this past month has been incredible... I have been undergoing some amazing transformations internally… I am beginning to feel “The Promises” in recovery come true… The riches in my life are not financial, it is of positive perception of myself and those around me; it is of appreciation for the simple things that I have right now and I get to do; it is of liberation of bondage of needing to seek validation from others… I no longer need to compare how I feel on the inside with how others look on the outside. I find great serenity within myself… Everything seems really quiet…

Some highlights that may be of interest to you and of course to remind myself in helping me along this path of growth:

1) Tigua past away carrying the message of I can die of I ever think of going out and using drugs/alcohol to remedy myself
2) Great phrases like there is nothing so wonderful in life that couldn’t be ruined by drinking or drugging; there is nothing so bad that couldn’t be made worse by drinking or drugging
3) Great phrases like I don’t have to grow old too fast and grow smart too slow
4) Watching “The Secret” and applying some of the principles from that motivational DVD
5) Transition from the stressful and incredibly involved management of the two largest programs in the prevention department to something I really enjoy doing and in sync with my hearts desires: training. I am now the Lead Trainer for this Department’s HIV Counselor training program.
6) Bringing in Chinese New Year with family and enjoying it immensely
7) Feeling the great liberating effects of doing the 8th step and now working on the 9th step… In doing this, feeling compelled to keep my side of the street clean so as I minimize any need to do more repeat stepwork from this point forth… This means I am more honest, authentic, healthy boundaries, not concerned about people pleasing or seeking outside validation, not being meddlesome, not stealing, working on gossiping less and being consistent with everyone…
8) Not succumbing to unwanted and unhealthy sexual encounters with others… As a matter of fact, it’s been over 5 months since I have had sex!!! This is huge for me as I thought this was my only connection to feeling intimate with anyone. Instead I want to wait for true intimacy on other levels before engaging in physical intimacy.
9) Saying yes to life when there are activities come into my life like the opportunity to hang out with friends, take trips, go to free screenings, and just enjoying what life brings in…
10) I know I am repeating myself, but really not being meddlesome in other people’s business has really simplified and created a drama free zone in my life… I didn’t realize how much I have been involving myself in other people affairs, feelings, business and dilemmas… I offer support without having to step into the mire that they call life.

These are only some of the amazing things that have transpired in the past month… I have been on a month long happy, serene, grateful high… I know this too shall pass, but I will continue to will the power of positive and grateful thinking for as long as I can… And know that when time comes for me to experience pain and challenges will only prepare and allow me to appreciate and embrace those moments of serenity, joy and happiness with vim, vigor and zeal!

Gotta get back to life… As you know, this website is still a work on progress, I apologize for any delay in e-mail communications and your ability to view pictures I have posted… They will be resolved shortly!

My current e-mail: quoclam@gmail.com

Kindest regards,

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 2:49 PM              E-mail me!