HAPPY "LUNAR" NEW YEAR!!!
Journal entry… 1/29/06 Sunday… 10:26P
HAPPY “LUNAR” NEW YEAR!
I have been saying to everyone that I have seen and called today, “Happy Chinese New Year!” I wanted to stay politically correct while I blog because this new year certainly does not belong to the Chinese alone…. The Vietnamese as well as quite a few other asian cultures celebrate this day! I saw the “Happy LUNAR New Year” on a marquee driving around today... Felt it was appropriate.
Anyway, happy new year everyone!!! It’s been an amazing weekend!!! I really feel I enjoyed this weekend immensely!!! Saturday, I got to sleep in then spend the afternoon with my sisters and extended family and friends at a restaurant… We got to enjoy a hearty meal and more importantly enjoy a hearty laugh! It was nice to recapture the experience of joking around and laughing ‘til we were in tears.
I picked up some friends to go to a recovery meeting that I got to lead! Wahoo!!! What a great way to bring in the new year! Getting to be of service…
I then got to go home and enjoy an evening of respite before heading out and being of service by picking up a Doctor who is visiting from China who is out here to learn about the services the agency I work for. It took him out to Chinatown with me and we watched strings and strings of firecrackers being lit as dragons danced into the temple… We went home early because the weather was a bit chilly… It was such a beautiful evening…
Went to sleep… Saturday evening...
Sunday morning woke up by 9/10A… I felt pretty miserable… I had three really intense using dreams in succession… I proceeded to do my laundry… I called my sponsor and shared about my using dreams… I felt guilty and shame because I woke up enjoying the feeling from the using dream… I literally felt as if I had relapsed! I wanted to be high and have sex while high… I started beating up on myself… My very wise sponsor shared with me that it is not very impressing to see someone not pick up a drink or drug who has not had using dreams and has no desire to drink or use… He is more impressed with someone who did have using dreams, then has the desire to use, but DOESN’T pick up the drug or drink… I immediately felt better and empowered, encouraged and proud of myself for not having acted on my desire or my triggering dreams! Completed laundry….
I heard from Star Trek Voyager that guilt, shame and remorse do not take away from my humanity… Instead, these very things if honored and recognized reaffirm my humanity. It allows me not to repeat the very acts that elicited these emotions.
Went out to visit with family in late afternoon... My sisters (and her bf) were there, Dad was there, my uncle, aunt and cousins were there… It was a lovely little gathering… We visited with one another; had some more laughs; took some pictures and parted ways…
Here is what I shared at the recovery meeting tonight… I wasn’t able to hold back tears:
The speaker shared about the alcoholic having a difficult time speaking two phrases: “Help me” and “I don’t know.” Another person who shared in the room shared about when one needs help, we need to ask for help… Just saying “help” won’t do it because we’ll just end up getting a little hug… People can’t read minds. Ask specifically for what you need help with!
I shared about relating to the speaker’s experience with being a “gregarious loner.” I shared about how I keep people at an arms length and how I am afraid that you’ll really get to know the real me and abandon me. My fear is that I will even lose the opportunity to relate and connect with you superficially; you’ll just see me and not even acknowledge me.
I shared about today being Chinese New Year and how wonderful it was that I was included in the family festivities. I forgot to share that I walked through my fear of what can I get out of the gathering or event to “how may I be of service and what can I do for the family members and the event?” That totally changed everything and made everything enjoyable because I had not expectations of outcomes.
I shared about having the opportunity to go to temple and pray to Mom and ask for her blessings and acting in her stead when Judy and I were down on our knees at the temple with incense in hand asking aloud for Mom and Buddha and deities to help my baby sis do well in school, to make lots of money, to have good health, and to protect us from being harmed, to keep us siblings close to one another, to care for Dad, and just to continue watching over us as she is already doing… We bowed three times and placed the incense into the proper incense holder.
I didn’t share about how much fun it was for my sisters (& her bf) and myself to enjoy a yummy vegetarian meal at the temple, just giggling and eating and laughing and chatting… It was peaceful, not crowded, and just lovely.
I didn’t share about my sister asking me for a favor! What an honor. She trusts me enough to safely transport my baby sister home back to UCLA. I remember when I used to be high… I would be up for 3+ days in a row, dehydrated, suffering from malnutrition, sleep depravation, and just sheer exhaustion from constant movement at sex clubs/bathhouses etc… Now, I have the opportunity to be of service and take my baby sister home…
I shared if she minded my taking her to a meeting with me because that does indeed come first for me. Judy agreed and went to the first AA meeting with me… It was amazing having her there with me. I introduced her to the many many people that I consider my friends, sober brothers and confidants! They had nothing but very very kind things to say about me. I kept hearing them share with my sister how much they love me and what a great guy I am… There was one point when someone shared “we love him” with my sister and she responded with “we love him too.” My natal family and my AA family love me. How can it be that a selfish, self-centered, self-seeking, self destructive, self loathing and self-absorbed individual like myself could be at a place where I am seen and considered someone that is worthy and deserving of “love?” How can I not believe in the program and a power greater than myself and to continue doing what I have been doing?!?! I am sooo blessed…
I shared about how this very room helped me while I was going through Mom’s dying process, Mom’s death, and the pain that I experienced from Mom’s death. They carried me, loved me, embraced me, supported me, shared their experience with me, and just didn’t give my disease the opportunity to take over. I have what I have because I have taken those suggestions and put them into action despite my feelings and despite my intentions and thoughts and best thinking. I am sooo abundantly blessed on this first day in the year of the dog because I am sober today and willing to practice the principles of the program.
My sister, a few other people in the meeting as well as myself were in tears of joy as a result of this share…
I realize tonight that God answered my prayer of feeling neglected and not heard at my Thursday night meetings… I have had the opportunity to lead on Saturday, and on Sunday to be of service, share and read!
What an amazing Happy Happy Chinese New Year day it has been for me. I called my support group, I worked on my defect, I went to a meeting, I was of service, I shared honestly about what is going on with me, I am going to shower, brush and pray and look forward to just another fantastic tomorrow!!!
Today, I realize it is just the first day of feeling sooo abundantly blessed!!! The first and most important one today: I am sober, clean and serene!
Thank you God!!! I love you all… I love loving me…
Quoc
"ANOHA" 8o(
... rather it's more like... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"AH""NO""HA"(WAII)!!!! :-(
The time is 11:41P... I am sooo bummed out! Talk about taking a 180 degree jump from total excitement to outright flat disappointment!!! I spoke to my sponsor and some other people and got mixed reviews. I did a list of pros of staying and doing my training and being a good and responsible manager or really treating myself to a really nice vacation that is part of a cool convention.
I made the decision this morning at about 12 noon to cancel my current reservation to Hawaii! 7 day, 6 night stay, flight and 3 star hotel with transportation and greeted with a lei for about $970!!! That is such a great deal!!! I got to fly on AA (American Airlines) at the times I wanted and with window seats; I got the Ohana Waikiki West Hotel that I wanted; I got the dates that I wanted and all for that price!!! CANCELLED with hopes that I would be able to rebook another flight at a later date... I even wrote a check for the registration to Hawaii with a stamped envelope with registration ready to send out today!
As of noon this afternoon, I was told by travelocity it would take about 30 days for the refund of my money to be put in place. I looked on-line to find other deals. Definitely not what the flight I want or the hotel or the dates, but I was willing to just really enjoy a vacation anyway! I was a afraid of going just for going with no company and no convention and new friends to make... The prices were ok... I even found some for less than $900.
After a long, but fruitful day at work, I went and ran some errands and drove home and changed to go work out... I made my phone calls and worked on my defect of being accusatory and blaming and replacing it with accepting, accountable, spirit of generosity, and unaccusing. I worked with my sponsees... I asked for help about working with unwilling sponsees... I changed and exercised from 6:45PM - 8PM and came home... I have been bumming around and napping and watching TV and eating and stalling... I did some budget work and.....
...went on-line to research the trips to Hawaii... They seem to have magically disappeared into thin air! I am learning that there is a system when Airlines and Hotels really find days when they promote really good deals... It's between Monday and Tuesday... The flights alone are over $400... There is but one selection of hotel that charges over $1300 for the stay... I don't get my choice of airlines... OH MY GOODNESS!!!
I stayed sober, but I am soooo bummed out!!! I fear that the deals won't come back in a week... I am not sure if I can wait a week to see if I'll be able to find a great vacation to take on non-profit wages!!! :-( I am sooo bummed!!! I chose to be responsible and right now I feel like I made a poor decision and feel punished and not rewarded for doing something good, responsible and right... Like I said, total 180 degrees from yesterday...
So, just stay in the moment and trust that everything is going to be ok and I will find an amazing trip and vacation that is beyond my wildest dreams... I will feel the feelings and try to stay in the moment and appreciate the fact that I actually have the means to go on a vacation! Sweet!!! This is but the beginning of an amazing adventure in life... I also will trust that my HP has allowed this path to be taken for a greater reason that is beyond my understanding and that whatever transpired today was meant to for the greater good of myself, for others and just for the greater good!
I have my hands full with sponsees... I am very thankful for them... They are keeping me very very busy. I don't know how my sponsor is able to handle so many sponsees. I am starting to understand the reason why I would fire sponsees; my time is very very tight and it really is a dis-service for me to work with sponsees that are not willing to do the work. They ask for help, but when offered suggestion, they don't do it then let me know about the negative consequences that come from not doing the work. I am trying very very very very hard to just stay in the moment and stay in gratitude for the lesson they are teaching me and that I am here to carry the message to another alcoholic and to stay sober, clean and serene one more day. Wish me luck guys...
WHO WANTS TO GO TO HAWAII WITH ME? I DON'T WANNA GO ALONE... LET'S PLAN SOMETHING... LET ME KNOW... I AM TOTALLY SERIOUS!!!
ALOHA!!!!
OK... I have been really patient about not counting my chicks before they hatch... I think this chick is incubating; it's a matter of when not if.... I AM GOING ON VACATION! I AM GOING TO HAWAII!!!!
I have been doing my budget for the past 2 weeks... I have been researching prices for the past week... As of Tuesday morning, January 24, 2006 at about 10A, I clicked the confirmation on-line for a visit to Honolulu, Oahu for 7 days and 6 nights. As with my young sobriety, this activity must entail some recovery. I am going to the Aloha Roundup AA Convention in Honolulu, Oahu.
The last time I was in Hawaii was back in 1993, when I was a senior in High School. I went with my High School Ensemble to the Big Island and to Oahu. It was a 9 day trip I believe, very very shortlived but an amazing experience. I will never forget the sights of the erupting volcano with lava pouring into the Pacific Ocean; the beautiful waterfalls; the fertile soil and thriving tropical life... I also remember the humidity and tendency for it to rain at any given moment and how expensive food was out there. I remember how excited I was when I scored some sandwiches for a great price, but ended up sharing with the rest of my classmates. Overall, it was a great experience and got me fantasizing and dreaming of traveling and visiting different places in the world. I hope to continue to fulfill this dream for the rest of my sober life one day at a time...
So, I am departing from LAX the morning of February 23, 2006 (Thursday). I will be leid and transported to my hotel by late afternoon. I will probably have dinner there... I will see if I can find a recovery meeting to go to. From Friday on through Sunday, I will be part of a congregation of hundreds of alcoholics, addicts, and alanons in Honolulu for workshops, conventions, fellowshipping, speakers and just really enjoying sobriety in Hawaii... I hope to make new friends this weekend because I am staying a couple extra days to trek around Oahu... I hope to spend at least one day at the beach and take another day to visit the Arizona Memorial where the Pearl Harbor attack occurred. I remember how moving that was for me the last time I was there... I was just 17 years old! I also hope to go to a luau as well as rent a car to trek around the island and check out the waterfalls and more of the beautiful tropics out there...
Now that I am thinking of my trip, I am thinking if I should have extended my stay to 8 days. I forgot to consider the fact that I am spending Wednesday, March 1, 2006 flying out of Honolulu back to LAX...
My life has been going well...
WORK:
I got great reviews from my very cool boss at work. He told me what a great job I am doing managing the program and supervising the number of people that I have on-board. During a conference call with our funding agency, they remarked at how impressed they are with the efficiency and direction the program has progressed in a very very short time. YES!!! I am just showing up and trying my best and staying open-minded and willing to work!
RELATIONS:
This area is a bit more challenging, but I am managing to learn more about my likes and dislikes and willing to act in a fashion that is loving, compassionate, considerate, and patient with myself and other people. Lots of mistakes are being made, but that is yielding great growth.
HEALTH:
My health continues to improve as I have integrated exercising at the gym into my life. I am going about 3 or more times a week! I am giving my body an opportunity to rest. I am just finding moderation with taking care of my physical well being.
STEPWORK:
Great progress with looking at my defects of characters and replacing them with assets. Today, I got to find instances throughout the day where I am thinking or acting "vengefully" and replacing that with being forgiving, merciful, and charitable. I have to do some writing on my possible arrogance in expectations of the sponsees I have. They are unwilling to do the work and just slack off and delay doing the work. I don't know that fine line where I am kindly encouraging them to do the work and telling them to either do the work or getting another friggin' sponsor. I am thankful that I am not alone in this area. I just have to read the big book and take that information as well as follow direction as well as pray for an answer that will allow me to do the best job sponsoring that I can. I must remember that I am not responsible for another persons sobriety. I am responsible for carrying the message to another alcoholic and to stay sober one day at a time. To share my experience wherever appropriate and offer suggestions in a loving and compassionate manner. I must deal with finding that balance of people pleasing and telling someone what they need to hear vs. what they want to hear so I can maintain good relations with them.
Life is good... There is a healthy balance of challenges and growth. I have quality problems that I get to pick from. I have a loving family, both blood and recovery. I have an amazing support group and people that I can call friends. I am much better with not acting in a manner that is selfish, self-seeking, self-centered. I actions and thought-processes are not as self-loathing, self-destructive, and self-sabotaging. I am more accepting, grateful, and carry a spirit if altruistic generosity. I am ok with lack of perfectionism today. I do not judge myself when I do have insane, extreme, self/other destructive thoughts. I just allow the thought to flow through me like a stream going under a bridge... It passes if I don't act on it. I have a very full life that I am somehow someway finding great balance with. I know that is indeed not without God's help.
Balance... A term that is very unfamiliar to someone who is accustomed to extreme, absolute, black and white, and perfectionism. I manage to understand and invite this into my life, just for today... I am thankful I get to practice these things and stay willing to do the opposite...
We'll see how the Hawaii arrangement works out... There have already been multiple obstacles since confirming my flight and hotel arrangements this morning.
- very important work-related training scheduled the same day that I am leaving for Hawaii
- calling travel agency and finding that I can't modify without expensive penalties
- cancellation of the whole trip would mean I won't get reimbursed for 30 days; thus, delaying my whole vacation because I don't have money on reserve to book another flight
- booking a new trip that is not as cheap as the deal that I am currently getting
Again, I say these are quality problems. I have taken sponsor suggestion and written down a list of reasons why I should stay and go to the training and a list of reasons why I should go on this excursion to Hawaii. I will pray and ask for an answer. I will just stay in the moment and know whichever direction I go towards will be the right direction so long as I stay sober today!
ALOHA! MAHALO!
Quoc
SELFISH VS. GREEDY
So, I had the opportunity to look at instances when I am being selfish today... I started getting confused between the difference of what selfish is and what greed is. According to Mr. Merriam Webster, being selfish is concentrating on one's own advantages and pleasures without regard for the other person. Greed is wanting more than ones fair share, I may even want what you have as well!
So, a real example of being selfish is when I am thinking about what I can get out of a sexual encounter with another person without thinking about what would pleasure the other party or make him feel good. I get to replace this with being unselfish, and altruistic, to do something for solely for another person with no expectations of anything in return.
So, a real example of being greedy is when I am holding onto clothes that don't fit me because I am hopeful I will fit into them one day in the future as I continue exercising and not sharing and giving away all these excess items that are basically taking up space in my closet. I get to replace it with being generous and charitable and give away the clothes I don't need if I see another person NEEDS (not wants) it more than I do.
On this note, I must remember to recognize the assets I exhibit and act on...
Where was I unselfish and altruistic today? I was unselfish by taking time out to listen to those people who called me and wanted someone to listen to them. I called other people to check in and see how they are doing. I was unselfish when scheduling my staff into clinics by spreading the sites out evenly and where I deemed it was most appropriate. I did share with my staff when they were doing something inappropriate and didn't just think about how I would look by sharing something that would support the integrity of the program. This was a great triumph because I am such a people pleaser! Great progress!!! I am sooo proud of myself.
Where was I generous and charitable today? I gave credit to my staff and didn't take all the credit for the successes of the program. I actually don't really have an applicable example where I was or wasn't greedy... So, I guess the answer for this today is that it is not applicable.
Alas, there is really nothing to report... I am still not sleeping at a decent time (3AM last night). I woke up, made my bed, prayed, drove to work, put in an honest days work for an honest day's pay, was conscientious of my defects and assets, and called my support group as I accepted phone calls and offered support to those that needed it. I did not impose on my sponsees my all knowing wisdom, but shared my experience where appropriate and recognized the good work they did... I extended love and tolerance, the code of this program. I came home about 6:30P, ate, and slept til after 9P... I have been fumbling around for the past few hours... I haven't really made it out of the apartment to go work out because I am trying to stall... I guess I should get my butt there and commit to doing something physical!! I have been doing sooo well... Why mess it up aye?
OK, I will do it!!! I am gonna end up going to sleep late anyway because I took that nap.... Sorry folks, I am babbling... It's just another amazingly serene and mundane day free of drama, pain, misery, or great challenges.. It is nice to have days like these...
I am sure something more juicy will come up as time progresses... I am still working on buying a digital camera... This should spruce up the website and allow you folks to not only read but see how I am doing and where I am doing... It will give me an opportunity to get my asian fix on taking pictures! haha...
Have a great evening all!!!
Quoc
SPIRITUAL WARRIOR OR SPIRITUAL WORRIER?
So, today, I feel like a spiritual warrior... I took the day sleeping, eating, watching TV and sleeping a lot more... I spent time cleaning my bathroom and going to my recovery meeting. I took contrary action and shared. My head has been telling me that I don't really need to share because there are other people who really need to share. Or that I don't really have anything to share and therefore shouldn't be raising my hand to share. I haven't checked in at my homegroup in awhile... I am very glad I did just that...
Today, I feel ok with taking a day of R&R. My body is still aching from starting to work out again... I believe I have a pretty serious old injury that needs to be addressed... It is located at my right elbow... As I shared, this problem has always been around especially when I lift medium to heavy objects. I am unable to bend my arm any more than 90 degrees... It is stiff and hurts. I better have a Doctor look at a it and possibly get referred to a specialist.. One step at a time... Let's get the Doctor's appointment first.
I weighed myself today: 147 lbs... Cool! I feel a lot more fit just from the 2 days of exercise I have put in. Yayee! I have been a lot more spiritually fit as a result of having some sponsees to work with... I am also finding the importance of the cumulation of defects of character I get to be mindful of each day.... Today's defect I got to identify was "playing a victim" or being a "pity pot." I get to replace it with feelings of empowerment, competency and knowing that I am NOT helpless. What other ones have I been able to work on in the past week? greed, scorekeeping, sloth, immaturity, arrogance, and dishonesty...
The last one, dishonesty is a biggie... It manifests itself via manipulation, stealing, lying by ommission, not being true to myself... I get to replace this defect and it's manifestations with being honest, authentic, truthful, and being trustworthy... I am still having difficulty and unwilling to give this defect completely over to God. That is ok... Thank goodness my God is loving, compassionate, tolerant, merciful and patient with me. I ask myself to treat myself and others the same way...
What else? Getting some practice with sex and finding my comfort zone and what works for me. Looking forward to possibly planning a trip out to Hawaii for a the aloharoundup convention out there. Continuing to live life on life's terms and graciously accepting the lessons I get to learn from each day lived!
My friend shared today that life is meant to be lived! Experience is the fruit that is born from growth. I also thought of something during his share... If God is to enter my life and occupy that space, I have to have a space available for God to occupy... For example, if I wake up and make the decision to fill my day up with the attitude of misery, challenge, fear, and angst, then these spaces are not available for God to fill with happiness, appreciation for the process of growth, courage, and knowing that everything is ok! So, what I affirm and ask for God's help is for me to keep room open in my life and my attitude and actions for God's will to fill these spaces and and be gentle with myself as I am not accustomed to things that are good and healthy in my life... It will take some getting used to!
Anyway, it's getting late... Sigh.... This is the last long weekend in awhile... It's been lovely!
If you are reading this, e-mail me or just post a note... I would love to know who you are!
Warm regards,
Quoc
DEFECT = SLOTHFUL/LAZY
Check in:
Defect to work on for today = slothful/lazy... wherever I spot that in my thought, attitude, behavior I make an effort in replacing it with being "industrious." It went well today! I woke up to leave for a site visit in Whittier at about 7:30/7:45A and got home from work around 7:10P! 12 hour work day! I got home knowing that I had laundry to do to gormandize myself with food and then pass out... I feel great right now at 1:30A... I need to continue working on going to sleep in a timely manner and to focus on completing one healthy room organizing activity each day. So, indirectly earlier, I was slothful or set myself up so I would be sooo filled up with food and as a result feel pooped and passed out!
I woke to do some chatting with my sponsees.... It was not fun as one of my sponsees told me to look at why I was not happy about what was going on with him... There is a kernel of truth there where I was unhappy because he is not doing what I felt he should be doing to stay sober or serene or free of his troubles. I am not God. I am not his boss... I am here to carry the message and stay clean and sober. That's it! Trust God that the rest will work itself out... Also, to ask myself why I was arguing with someone with just a little bit of sobriety? Why am I bothering justifying myself to someone who is out of his mind? My people pleasing side wanted him to side with me and be able to see things my way! That is none of my business! I need only know what works for me, share that experience with him and appreciate the fact that I know what has worked for me and may not work for him... Let it go...
I felt yucky during the conversation because I really felt uncomfortable first with the confrontation, second that I didn't have a brilliant thought stopper like my sponsor does with me, and that he was really on self will and knew what is good for himself and not take what I had to share into consideration...
Did I learn something from that experience tonight? Yes. Am I going to repeat this behavior again? I hope not. Did I stay sober? Yes. Did someone die as a result of a conversation gone not so graciously? No. It's not the end of the world? No.
Ok! It's all good... I did not exercise tonight... My weight is still 148 lbs.
Tomorrow is a new day... The defect I get to look at for throughout Thursday is "arrogance" or "showing off" and ask God will and my actions to replace it with humility, to be humble and modest. Not to lie and exaggerate a situation to make myself look better; not to act in a fashion as to get attention. Arrogance really is insecurity because I want to act in a manner to gain attention because I can't find that validation within myself... Well, that is for a conversation tomorrow....
Wish me luck! Cheers!
Quoc
SURVIVAL SKILLS NO MORE...
Hey folks... I am working on purchasing a digital camera within the next month... I am not sure whether I want to save up my money to take a trip to Hawaii in a month and end up buying a much more modest digital camera or take a more economical trip in a month and really invest in a good digital camera... The fun part about getting the digital camera is that I will most definitely be posting more images of myself, my friends, my surroundings and just images... As we all know, a picture is indeed worth a thousand words or at times just eye popping, jaw dropping experiences! Wish me luck in doing this...
It's a challenge when one works for non-profit! The bonuses and perks come in the form of satisfaction from the opportunity to help another person change behavior in protecting themselves and others from exposure to HIV/STD and also promote overall healthy lifestyles.
Anyway, back on subject... What do I mean by survival skills no more? I am embarking on the next phase of my stepwork in recovery... The change steps... I have successfully shifted from surrender to discover and now I am in the place of identifying those things that I thought are survival skills, but really now are weapons of destruction and deconstruction in my life: aka CHARACTER DEFECTS! With the help of my Sponsor, I have identified 35 character defects to work on. Mind you that this list identifies defects of characters that I currently can identify with. As time progresses, the new defects will be identified and others will be set to the side as they may go into remission or if you will, I will be free of that defect and it actually will have been removed from my life.
So, I will be doing the following everyday: take one character defect and look for that defect of character throughout the day and when I identify it, replace it with the character asset. For the remainder of the 35 days, I will be checking in with myself and with you and provide you with an update on the progress and growth that I get to make in relieving myself of old tools for survival that no longer work in my life or are detrimental to my life and affects those around me when I act on those "defects of character."
I am already into day of identifying my defects of character...
DAY DATE DEFECT OF CHARACTER REPLACE WITH
Day 1, Mon, 1/9/06 GREEDY GENEROSITY; CHARITABLE
Day 2, Tue, 1/10/06 SCOREKEEPING PRESENT; GENEROSITY; CHARITABLE
So, I am doing good thusfar... Checking in good with not acting on being greedy and scorekeeping... Wish me luck with identifying moments when I am "SLOTHFUL" or lazy and replace it with being "INDUSTRIOUS."
Oh yeah, I will also be checking in on a daily basis for 42 consecutive days of exercise and logging in my weight. I am affirming to exercise for 42 days for at least 30 minutes each day... Just some form of exercise; any kind of movement that I deem as exercise!
So, let me practice with checking in as if it is Tuesday:
Defect identified: scorekeeping
Replace with: generosity; charitable; present
Weight: 148 lbs
Exercise: Day 1 at 24 hour fitness and downstairs (20 min)
Wanna do like Forrest Gump and jump on the 42 day challenge to exercise? Or find any activity that you placed on your New Year's resolution and let me know how successful you are... It is said that it takes 21 consecutive days to form a habit (if one repeats the habit daily for 21 days) and an additional 21 days to keep a habit = total of 42 days....
By the way, I would love to know who all is checking out my blog... Feel free to post a note on my blog or e-mail me... I am pretty good about responding to people who leave notes on the blog... Maybe I should tell all my friends to contact me that way! LOL
Wish me luck... I am thankful I get to do this one day at a time and needn't worry for any more than just for today... I work on seeing myself through God's eyes and also acting with the mantra of Thine will and mine be one.
Lots of love and gratitude for your continued support!!!
Quoc@quoclam.com
NEED TO USE THE BALLS I GOT!
I have been faced with a serious dilemma... Speaking up in order to protect the program that I manage at work. I have been facing some of my worst character defects. One of them is the dire need to people please and fear of hurting other peoples feelings and not willing to do anything about it even if it may cost my job or the success of the program. That is powerlessness! I am sooo used to acting as a subordinate and not someone in a position of decision making and taking a lead on ensuring the success of a program.
This concern was warranted when I was considered for this position and indeed I am walking in with the attitude of defeat that I cannot assert myself and articulate myself in a fashion that is effective in convincing my boss that I am a confident person capable of managing a program and staff and all the nuances that come with it. Am I trying? YES! Am I learning a lot while going through this whole nightmare of disciplinary actions and admonishing staff? YES! Am I learning fast enough to secure the confidence of my boss and supervisor that I will be able to handle more responsibilities with other programs and staff? Right now? It's looks grim!
I know what I need to do... USE THE BALLS THAT I HAVE AND ASSERT MYSELF. In appeasing to the feelings of my problem staff, I am placing the success of the program in jeopardy which in turn places the reputation of my bosses in jeopardy and ultimately leaves my job security on shakey grounds.
This defect of character is not localized to just the workplace... I had a most challenging time remaining succinct in delivering a message to someone that I am helping in recovery. The person is unwilling and just walking into relapse and really dangerous territory. Instead of taking what my recovery mentor shared with me and just keep it succinct to "be willing to do the work to treat this disease or find someone else that will work with you the way you want to be worked with." I spent about 5 minutes explaining myself and upon hanging up the phone, I was shaking from having to deliver bad news to a person.
So, someone shared that I just continue doing the uncomfortable until I become comfortable. I truly hope that I will be able to do this. I pray that God will help me focus on the task at hand and stay willing to do whatever it takes to maintain a successful program at work and at home. Also, to love a person enough to tell them what they need to hear to save themselves vs. tell them what they want to hear and watch them hang themselves. This people pleasing behavior is really selfish, manipulative, dishonest, inconsiderate, and definitely not in sync with God's will.
I pray that God will remind me that anything I say or do is not powerful enough to hurt anyone elses feelings. People choose to feel bad and hurt, I do not inflict that upon them. Stay on my side of the street... Keep my side of the street clean... If I am doing my best and really extending courage and confidence that I have been promoted to this position because my supervisors truly believe I have the potential within me to be a GREAT supervisor... I need only unlock the door to my potential and release it rather than hold on tight to it and fear that the actions I will do that is not congruent with what others want to hear and see will cause them harm or rather leave me abandoned and alone and labeled and judged as a mean, judgemental, inconsiderate, demeaning, and just horrible person...
I am sooo obsessed with focusing on earning and winning your love and approval that I am making no room for God's approval and also the approval, love and validation that I can find within myself... God help me... I need you help me find the courage, self love, and willingness to be true to myself and take actions that are contrary to what I am accustomed to and trust that the results WILL NOT turn out to the way my head is projecting it to be... That I will be ok. That the program will be ok. That the person in recovery that I am helping will hear what I am trying to share in helping him save his own life.
Lastly to know that God has given me free will to wallow in my misery, pain, feelings of defeat, feeling weak, and fear of being abandoned if I don't take action to preserve a relationship no matter how dysfunctional... God will let me wallow in it as long and as deep into the mud that I want to...
Or
God will support me in honoring myself, practice the uncomfortable and unaccustomed action of seeking inner validation, and truth telling and to practice "Thine will and mine be one."
God says:
Take it easy on myself... Do not FEAR (forget everything's all right)... Be proud of self if I improve more yesterday than I did today... Look forward to more mistakes for they are the seeds of growth... Expect that I will make more mistakes when I am new at something and those mistakes will dwindle as I grow and learn from them and hopefully will not repeat that mistake... See the amazing growth that I have made from a couple months ago, a year ago, a couple years ago, three years ago. I have certainly made great strides! God reminds me: THAT I DID NOT COME HERE TO BE MISERABLE; I CAME HERE BECAUSE I WAS MISERABLE OUT THERE. Smile... Work... Do not hop into the sour boat of someone else. I can watch from afar... Remember life is like a movie... I can choose to get up and walk out of the movie I am currently in and watch another movie... I even have the choice to not watch any movies at all! Which movie am I watching and participating in today? Do I feel like I am stuck? What is the fear of getting up and walking out? Can it be any worse that what I had a week prior to May 19, 2003?
Not to say, "I don't want to do this," but rather, "I don't like doing this, but you're placing the program and the foundation at risk." To share that I need to do what I need to do to protect the program and the success of the program. Understand that we aren't investing this much time into you if we didn't want you to be successful. To get over the feel bads and get proactive with the newfound opportunity to redeem oneself.
God help me to capitalize on your strength and have enough intestinal fortitude to speak the TRUTH of what needs to be communicated without wavering... Practice by writing down what I need to say first...
READER... CARE TO SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE ON THIS MATTER? WHAT IT USED TO BE LIKE, WHAT HAPPENED AND WHAT IT'S LIKE NOW? I'D LOVE TO HEAR YOUR FEEDBACK... E-MAIL ME AT QUOC@QUOCLAM.COM
Quoc
FROM HUMAN-DOING TO HUMAN BEING
Happy 2006 all! If you are reading this, you have successfully made it through another year as I have! That in itself is a great blessing; being alive! There are some friends that I have lost in the last year... Steven, Roland, Dalton, Joey, and Mom (Anh) are just a few people that didn't get to bring in the new year. I remember this when I get ungrateful that today, I get another opportunity to seize life and embrace it as if I may not have tomorrow to live! It's been a most challenging year, but I have successfully managed it with service, unity and recovery... I have managed it by asking for help and when offered help by you, graciously accepting it... I have managed it by not choosing to do it alone... I have managed it by staying honest, open-minded and willing. Honest about what I am and willing to stay open-minded to ideas to maintain my assets and also take action in releasing my character defects to my Higher Power. I am thankful for eyes and ears to hear God's will and take action that is in sync with God's will to the best of my ability...
This year I resolve to:
1) not argue for my limitations, instead to take a risk and know that if I fail, I at least tried and have not regrets
2) be honest enough to ask for what I need and be okay with that
3) courage to tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear
4) exercise, eat, meditate and do activities with as much fervor as I do with my recovery program... Exercise to live and not live to exercise!
5) be honest with my partners about my HIV and behave in a manner that I would expect from me if I were the opposing party
6) remember work is not my life
7) not to FEAR - forget everything is all right
8) complete the 12 steps and start working them again!!!
9) take a trip out of California and treat myself to an adventure
10) stay clean and sober one day at a time
11) remember that without growing pains; I won't really relish those moments of joy
12) act on remembering "Thine will and mine be one"
13) remember that God did not bring me this far down the line just to drop me
14) trust that God will bring me a relationship that will fulfill my wildest dreams if I am willing to just let go and work on developing a loving relationship with myself
15) remember that if I settle for less than the best; I am telling God I deserve less than what God thinks I am worthy and deserving of
16) ask what I can do for another person each day; to give love in order to receive love
17) remember the biggest challenge for me is to give to myself without feeling guilt of being selfish; to ask for what I want without feeling guilt that I am taking from another person; to love care and nurture myself without feeling I am not deserving of it because I am stupid, a mistake or anything less than the perfectly beautiful creation of my Higher Power!
Here is a poem a friend wrote me:
This Year...
I will laugh more and worry less...
I will let go instead of holding back...
I will be risky instead of safe...
I will live my life so that there are no regrets...
Wishing you a new year that is filled with all the excitement of living each day to the fullest!
Warm regards to all that I love,
Quoc
