ON-LINE AT HOME...
It's late... I am tired, but I wanted to express some gratitude regarding my ability to hop on-line and do web journal updates on a regular basis now!!! Yayee!!! With the help of my roomate, I have connection to the internet and the ability to do more things that I did not have time to do while I was at work, because I was busy working...
Folks, stay tuned and check this site, because Quoc is back!!! Yayeee... I have 1 year and 313 days clean and sober today, one day at a time...
I give thanks for that.
Cheers,
Quoc
2 SICKIES DON'T MAKE A WELLY
So, I am learning more about relationships since my encounter with the newcomer... I am frustrated and full of the green-eyed monster and full of fear of abandonment and obsessing over the incredibly euphoric feeling of getting to kiss, touch and be physically intimate with someone. I haven't felt something like this with someone that I am attracted to for a very very long time!!! Now that I have had a taste, I want more... Yeah, the full blown addict here wants more!!! And talk about blind love, what about the synonymous BLIND LUST?!! Lust is just as strong in affecting one's sense of moving forward with caution. I just walk right past all the caution tape and the red flags... Then I feel heartache; the consequences of my actions and I can't figure out how I got to where I am... I have been talking to multitudes of people and asking for others to share their experience with this matter. They have been very open and candid and most helpful in sharing the solutions that worked for them. I have implemented a few of them and have felt some temporary relief. Still I feel toyed around when the newcomers name pops up in the most unexpected and unwanted times... Once that name pops up, the uncomfortable and feelings of insecurity and disease rears its head. What to do? Just remind myself of the TRUTH! Make a decision to turn my will and my wants over to God and trust that the most appropriate thing to do for my health will happen.
What I gained the most from talking to someone from the program is just feeling validated and heard. I just wanted to know that what I was feeling and what I was going through was ok. That everything IS ok in this given moment! I felt that I was not alone in my feelings and that I am not a bad person for having these negative and selfish thoughts despite the fact that I barely know the person of my affection/obsession. The person offered a suggestion (not direction) with what he did to help ride out the challenging part of what he was going through. He wrote 3 letters: one to the person he had feelings of heartache and hurt about; one to God; and one from God to him. None of these letters are sent, they just allow the him to see on paper the truth of what is sane and what is INsane!
So, I did that... I wrote to the newcomer of my desires and wants... I shared about my feelings of hurt and heartache, of how much it hurt for the person to just get together with me knowing that I haven't had something like this for sooo long then just step on my heart and leave me out to dry. Then I wrote the letter to God asking him why he would place someone in my path considering the fact that I am not ready for a relationship. I wrote about my trust with God that he knows what is best for me and that I really do trust, but I felt a bit sore about what he is doing to me now with where I am in relationships and my sick sick head... Then came the 2-3 page letter from God... I was totally blown away what came from within myself when I did a written meditation about the TRUTH of where I am and who I am. God shared with me about how sick picks sick and compels me to finish steps 4-9 then reconsider what I had gone through after that... God also shared with me that he has been sending messages to me via the people that I talk to and to take their experience and strength to heart and yield on acting on things that are not so healthy for me. I really felt better after those 3 letters.
Then this morning came and my co-worker calls and just mentions that we have a mutual friend. The newcomers name is brought up along with the fact that he's been hanging out at his house 3 days out of the week each day... My head spins into all kinds of acts that would drive me batty and jealous and feeling not worthy and abandoned and totally cheated...
What happened in the past that is triggering these emotions? First my first bf who cheated on me then left me without any feelings of extreme remorse or shame. I, the victim, was the one who cried for a month and totally hated men and deprived myself of food, rest and socializing... He the perpetrator went on to date other guys and just move on... It's just not fair... Also, there is the feeling of possession. I guess I feel sooo unwanted and undesirable that anyone who wants me to any degree I want to hug and squeeze and play with and NOT SHARE! And what did "George" from bugs bunny do with his new friends? He chased them away or squished them to death. So, this is just where I am and how I am feeling... I will bring this up during therapy session and discuss this further...
For now, that is where I am.. Better yet worse... Different is the most politically correct term I suppose...
I will check in with you folks later... By the way, happy belated spring!!! I have 1 year and 10+ months clean and sober from all mind-altering substances, ONE DAY AT A TIME!!! I haven't really thought about using! Wow, it only took 22+ months for some of the obsession to use to lift... But certainly the obsessive mind does not stop chattering... As one of my sober friends shared with me, the addicted radio station will always be playing in my head, the more work I do to treat it, the quieter the radio gets, I never will get it to turn off completely... After all, once you turn a cucumber into a pickle, you can't change it back into a cucumber (yet). Once a pickle, always a pickle aye? Only, I used crystal meth to pickle myself into an addict verses using vinegar... hehe...
Cheers,
Quoc
PS - Sorry about not having kept in touch with those that continue to support me... I am receiving your love... I am still working on loving me and sending that love outward to you.
Rejecting HIV and not myself
I sat in an HIV support group during my lunch hour today. This lady said some really empowering and inspirational messages that resonated well with me! She talked about her dating activities and how to interpret and respond to rejection. When I am rejected, I get to say that the person is rejecting my HIV and not me! Either way, I am being rejected, but I get to hold onto the fact that I am a desirable, adorable, loving, caring, exuberant, and fun-loving individual worth spending time with. Anyway, I can't wait to get my cpu home so I may write my journals at home, save them to a floppy and bring them to work so I may upload it onto the internet. I currently do not have a cpu nor do I have internet services at home. I don't have time at work to blog. I am that busy!!! It's a mixed blessing. I want to thank those of you who continue to offer me support and love and share your stories and your lives with me. I give thanks for you every morning and evening when I pray. The synergy from your love is being received on all frequencies!!! I open my arms wide and will receive it!!! I want help; I need help; I am asking for your help, love, support and encouragement!!!
My sister ran the L.A. marathon! God bless her soul, she completed yet another 26.2 miles!!! Go Chin go!!!! You rock on!!! I am doing ok... Life is very busy but constantly growing... I am really learning, feeling, growing and becoming more and more in-tune with myself with all that is going on in my life. I give thanks for the blessings in my life.
I promise that I will be blogging on a more consistent basis... Once I have the means and the time; thank you for your continued support...
Love and hugs,
Quoc
F.E.A.R. = False Emotions Appearing Real
Journal entry (enter feelings and behavior; spare the self-labeling)
Monday, March 7, 2005 2:16PM
Feeling frustrated, angry, abandoned, empty, worthless,
What happened: I called to say hello to a friend and get his information. I want to get him flowers, etc… I have these feelings for him because he said some really nice things to me and really rubbed my ego and told me I had a nice body and I am cute… Now, I am all possessive and feeling territorial and not happy about sharing him. Thank God he doesn't know what goes on in my head!!! First and foremost, I do NOT own him. I also need to be mindful of what I need to do to be of maximum service to him. Also, I can forgive myself for these feelings and honor my feelings. Feelings are good!!! I am exactly where I am supposed to be with my emotional maturity; it will get better as time progresses. Just check the truth and what is really going on… Love? Certainly not at this stage… Infatuation? Perhaps, and also I need to check whether I am infatuated with the idea of feeling adored, desired, appreciated and loved or is it with the individual. Also, I need to look at the individual of my affection; where is he in his emotional maturity? Remember what my sponsor said, one moment this newcomer is feeling good and grateful, the next he feels like using, the next he is depressed and wants to die… Am I really attracted to this person or am I attracted to the disease? Certain aspects of course. What is the best course of action given all variables?
So, all this is new. I don’t know how to develop healthy intimate friendships with people. There are a lot of warped misconceptions of where I am. I am glad I am writing about this. I do feel better about my feelings and know that I am just having some very insane thoughts spurred by very impulsive feelings. So, pray for an answer, share my feelings with my sponsor, ask what I may do to be of maximum service to myself and the opposing party. Stay in the moment…
Things for me to remember: I forgive me… I am patient with my progress and not kicking self for not being perfect… I am proud of my progress and my continued willingness not to react when something exciting happens, but to sit still and quiet my mind enough so I may listen to the whispers of the truth… I love myself and continue to affirm and turn my will and my life to my merciful, tolerant, patient, compassionate, and loving Higher Power.
Thankfully,
Quoc
