TRIP DOWN 'MOM'ORY LANE...
So, it's been a year and a couple days since Mom past away... She passed away June 26, 2005... I haven't really taken any time to meditate on this and spend a moment to feel... to miss... to have a moment of nostalgia... Perhaps now is not the best time... I hope to find some down time to get to do this... To do visit Dad in Rose Hills and to do something in memory of Mom...
Thought I would post a few picts. of Mommy just to look at...
This is about a month prior to Mom passing away on May 30, 2005... Mom was fun-loving and kid at heart!!! I really miss the laughter and kidding around that went on when the family came together...
Mom suctioning Dad on May 7, 2004.... She was such a devoted, committed, loving and loyal woman...
Mom used to sell vegetables in front of a storefront that sold ducks... Here she poses in front of a line of ducks waiting to be eaten... 8/15/04 (celebrating Quoc's birthday before they head off to Vietnam as a family)...
Some of my most precious memories are pictures like these when I got to be physically close to Mom. It's interesting how we don't want to be physically close to our Mom's when they are around, but now I would give sooo much just to have another moment cheek to cheek with her... (8/15/04)
How cuter can my Mom and Sis Judy be... Here they are trying to be coy posing for a picture with my camera phone... (8/15/04)
JUST MOM... I LOVE MOM... SHE CAN MAKE PEOPLE FEEL WARM, LOVED, CARED FOR AND JUST SMILING FROM THE INSIDE OUT...
Otherwise, today was good... I was really depressed at home. I was really focused at work. I multitasked and pulled together many projects, from setting a new Doctor up at the Men's Wellness Center to continuing to monitor National HIV Testing Week to working at the Men's Wellness Center to pulling together timesheets and documents for payroll to interviewing for a Korean TV station to promote National HIV Testing week, HIV Testing, awareness and education. I wasn't feeling particularly articute today, so it was a challenge to interview in front of a camera. I got stage fright and froze on one of the questions. It's ok...
Otherwise, I am home right now continuing to downgrade the trashed room from all the clutter I've collected... It looks about 35% better... I would like to continue minimizing... I ran across a phrase I believe is a title in one of my blogs that I may be Powerless over drugs and alcohol, but I am certainly not Helpless. There is HELP if I actively seek it out...
So today's mantra is I am powerless, not helpless... I am powerless, not helpless... Here's to one more day clean and sober. Chatty Cathy is trying to make Quoc Quazy!!! My head is talking and my hormones are all over the place... I need to continue trudging and doing stepwork to work these crap out of my system...
Quoc
CRAZY... THINKING... REPRIEVE...
Here is a pictorial breakdown of what it was like for me from Saturday night through Sunday night...
Here you see me going absolutely nuts because he has the f*ck its... I want to get high and have sex; I need to stay... What I want will get me killed. What I need will give me sobriety, serenity, and sanity... This is from Saturday night through Sunday evening...
So, if I have any doubt in my mind whether I am an alcoholic, then the following should answer the question... I am thinking, not pick up the drug and eventually be granted sobriety, serenity, and sanity or pick up and use and face jails institutions and death... What should I do? Get high and lose my job, get evicted from my apartment, destroy my health or Stay sober and find peace of mind, self love, self esteem, and the gift of "The Promises" coming true... What should I do??? D'ya think think this is alcoholic/addictive thinking? This is from Saturday night through Sunday evening...
People in recovery share not to leave 5 minutes before the miracle happens. Well, I must say, the miracle is at 10P Sunday evening about 24 hours later, I am feeling good, serene, sane and grateful to be sober. It's as if the monster that has been running around in my head just decided to take a nap. I don't know when it will wake up. The important thing is that I stayed and hung in there long enough to experience relief from what I really believed to be an unbearable and hopeless condition: the obsession to use. My disease wants me dead, but it will settle for me miserable... This is from Sunday evening til now...
The take home lesson here is as an alcoholic, if I want to re-experience all this manic behavior and insanity all over again, then I guess I can go out and use again... If I want to be spared from this capricious change in emotion, thinking and behavior... I think I better stick around and not go out again... These are good observations of what goes on in the life of someone who was spiritually connected, relapsed and just like that lost all sense of balance, serenity, and soundness of mind... Believe you me, these are not reinactments or just an on stage production... This is real life man! My life...
If you are an alcoholic... Pay close attention to all that is going on with me as a result of this relapse... Do you want what I have? Just stay and spare yourself this insanity....
YA GOT LOVE? SHARE WITH ME... I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR COMMENTARIES ABOUT ALL THE CRAZY SH*T THAT IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE... CLICK ON THE BUTTON THERE AND LET ME KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS!!!
I gotta get to bed... I need to be up in the morning and prepare for National HIV testing Week!!!
Quoc
GETTING WHAT I WANT MAY KILL ME...
Hey guys... Here is a brief update... It's almost 2AM and I need to be up for work... I am dying to share about what is going on though...
So, last night, I was completely miserable... I had totally set myself up to relapse by hooking up with that guy to get high and have sex. Instead, I took my sponsor's direction and took someone with me to go to a meeting. Then I went home and cleaned up my room til about 3 or 4 in the morning. I couldn't get the obsession to leave and get high out of my head. I couldn't sleep; so cleaning was a way of staying busy...
I didn't feel better... In fact I felt worse and worse... I was tempted to call my sponsor... I came this close (holding fingers very close apart) to relapsing... I prayed; I wrote; I should've called someone to share about it. I wanted to go out and get high... I finally tried to go to sleep... I tossed and turned and fantasized about getting high... I purposely stayed up sooo late that it wasn't worth getting high and be able to have a productive day and be able to make my evening recovery meeting looking somewhat sane; then leave to pick up my sister and her fiance from the airport.... I PLAYED THE SAME GAME ON MY DISEASE AND SABOTAGED IT!!! I am sure this was divinely inspired!!!
Anyway, I finally fell asleep and woke up by 10:30A... I had received multiple phone calls... God there are sooo many people that love me.... There are sooo many interventions that are going on and sooo many people reaching out to me to keep me from listening to the gorilla in my head that has broken out of its cage and is running amuck in my head wreaking havoc!!! My connection with my Higher Power has one cingular bar if at that!!! Somehow some way it's getting through just enough for me to get by...
I spent the morning and afternoon just moping around and feeling really depressed and upset that I couldn't get high... I had called my sponsor to check in with him and let him know that I stayed sober overnight... He is actually the only person I called today... I was not feeling it! I did not want to talk to anyone...
Anyway, I was able to make it through the day and go to my meeting feeling really really cruddy! I totally have the F*CK ITS! I am pissed that I can't have tweaker sex. I am upset that people see me as Mr. Recovery and not an object of desire. I resent my unreasonable boss at work. I resent a subordinate that is totally being insubordinate. I resent the guy who called me Betty Crocker. I resent myself for letting something like this be enough to go out and relapse over. I resent losing the 3 consecutive years sober... I need to do another fear inventory. I need to do another sex inventory.
Anyway, I made it to the meeting... I shared honestly when people asked me how I am. I received sooo many hugs and people taking a moment to spend with me. I don't quite know how to transition from one person to the next without making the last person I am talking to feel dismissed. There were so many people who wanted to say hello... Eventhough I was feeling sooo crappy... I think they wanted to love me and support me because I was feeling this crappy!!! Someone whispered to me while hugging me... "Quoc, let us love you until you can love yourself... Are you practicing self forgiveness?" Another very special person came up to me and reminded me to continue with the "BNQ." BNQ = Be Nice to Quoc...
I took a seat close to the back because someone had removed my card and took my seat up front... Sheesh!!! I stood up and took a chip and hug and identified as a newcomer. I have 14 more days of this if I keep staying sober one day at a time. There were a lot of people who identified as newcomers tonight... There were relapsers. I got some numbers and will be calling them to ask them to share their experience, strength and hope on how to stay sober after a relapse and continue with relapse prevention.
I raised my hand to share... I shared about how I felt... Really crappy. I shared about hating to stand up as a newcomer... I shared about the monster that has been awakened and wanting to go out and get high... I got to hear myself share that I need to stay and feel these feelings and experience this crappy space so I have motivation and incentive not to relapse again, because if I do, I will have to do this all over again IF I make it back into the rooms of recovery.
I shared about solution that I get to value this experience to pass along to someone who is planning on relapsing or has relapsed. Those who are planning to not relapse because "RELAPSING SUCKS" I protested. Those who have relapsed like me, I get to extend love and tolerance to them and not judge them because they are not bad people who made a poor choice or decision... They, just like me, are alcoholics who have a disease that is cunning, baffling, and POWERFUL! It's not about will power... If it was just will power. I am POWERLESS! I am standing at the turning point. I must ask my Higher Power for his protection with complete abandon...
I was sooo emotional... I forgot to mention that I need help. I need their love... I need to hear their experience... I need them to stay sober... I need them to just STAY.
At the conclusion of the meeting, I really verbalized the Serenity Prayer with vim and vigor!!! I really meant what I prayed. People came up to me at the end to hug me, offer solution, offer their number, extend an opportunity to fellowship with them, and to just be supportive of me. In essence, to love me until I could love myself. No one tsked me or shook their head or frowned upon me. There have been a few. I am choosing to let those people go and remember it's not about me. I am embracing the ones who are supportive and loving...
I then cleaned up my literature commitment and went home for about an hour... I felt sooo much better. I cooked food for the rest of the week and watched some TV with my roomie... Then I left to pick up my sis and her fiance from LAX... I got home about 1:15A... I had just realized upon driving to LAX that the obsession had been lifted for a moment...
For now, the weekend is over... The obsession has been lifted for now... I feel good about having 15 days clean and not so serene, but CLEAN! I have been granted a daily reprieve from the obsession, from going out and relapsing, from the craving to get high and have sex to fix and escape. I felt good about having the opportunity to be of service and pick up my loved ones from the airport.
For now... I am doing ok... I just have to make sure my weekends are structured so that I can survive the weekends without relapse until I have completed the 12 steps, until the obsession has been lifted and until I reintegrate and reinforce that conscious contact I had with my Higher Power. I must forge a strong connection with Higher Power. I need to review my steps 1-3 and do some brushing up with 4 and 5 and really continue working 6 & 7 while continuing to complete 8 so I can really make amends so I may look the world square in the eyes and feel any sense of need for atonement to be lifted.
It can be done... For now, I breathe a sigh of relief that I made it one more day... With the love and support of my sponsor, my support group, my family, and my infinitely POWERFUL Higher Power.
More to come...
Quoc
I AM STANDING AT THE TURNING POINT...
I want to get high... I need to stay clean and sober... I want to have sex while high... This comment alone shows how I am not ready to have sex. For goodness sakes, I am a newcomer! I have 14 days clean and sober today, one day at a time...
I have blown off the whole day obsessing over the phone call I had with the guy I hooked up with a couple weeks ago and relapsed. We planned on hooking up and getting high and having lots of sex... I brood on it from last night until early this afternoon until I picked up the phone and called my sponsor and reluctantly shared with him about what had transpired. He gave me sound advice, but my ears have diseased earmuffs right now... I hear what I need to do, but there is a part of me that wants to feel what I felt a couple weeks ago...
I wrote a script and when the guy called back read the script honestly sharing about my HIV status as well as the fact that I am in recovery...
I am really messed up in the head... I AM REALLY MESSED UP!!! The monster disease has indeed been awakened!!! I want to go out and fix... I am indeed powerless... I am sooo loved... I went to my meeting tonight and was met by loving people who came up to me to hug me and support me and just give me solution and just be there and not judge or tsk or force me to do anything... It really is in my hands...
Am I gonna place my hand in God's hands or am I gonna place it in the disease? Do I want to start all over again and re-experience what I went through from the last last run on June 10th or do I want to continue hanging on and know that this too shall pass if I pray, trust God, stay close to people, not do it alone, share with rigorous honesty, and just not pick up with knowledge if I do that I may well end up in jails, institutions and death!!!
Help me God... Help me God... Help me God... Please help me stay clean and sober for another 24 hours... I am sooo in trouble...
Quoc
DOUBLE DIGITS!!!!
SOME OF THE LAM FAMILY POSES FOR A PICTURE AT COUSIN AMY'S GRADUATION... RIGHT TO LEFT IS: JUDY (BABY SIS), AUNT LYNN, ME (QUOC), & CHIN (SIS)
MY SIS CHIN AND I POSE FOR A PICTURE... WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR ALMOST 28 YEARS; WELL, SINCE SHE'S BEEN BORN! THAT'S ALMOST A 1/3 OF A CENTURY! GOD I FEEL OLD!
THE SUPERSTAR GRADUATE HERSELF FINALLY APPEARS TO POSE FOR PICTURES FOR HER VERY PROUD FAMILY MEMBERS!!! CONGRATULATIONS AMY! I AM SOOOO PROUD OF YOU!!! WE'RE ALL SOOO VERY PROUD OF YOU.
THE LAM'S AND MICOL (CHIN'S FIANCE) POSE FOR A FAMILY PICTURE WITH THE GRADUATE AMY!!! UNFORTUNATELY, WHEN THERE ARE TOO MANY CAMERAS POINTING AT YOU FROM DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, EVERYONE IS NOT LOOKING AT THE SAME DIRECTION...
SITTING DOWN AFTER AN EVENING CELEBRATING AMY'S GRADUATION FROM HIGH SCHOOL... GO CLASS OF 2006!!!!
So, I guess I should be excited and happy... My sponsor and a couple other people called me yesterday to congratulate me on making double digit sobriety... "It's one of the milestones in sobriety..." It's interesting coming back for the 2nd time... I am hearing things that I didn't quite hear from other people when I first came around this time around... Guess my head is not as messed up as I was the first time around over three years ago... The main messages I have heard are something to the effect of: Don't beat myself up... I am loved... Be nice to myself... I am loved... I don't get to do this for the rest of my life... I get to do this for the rest of today... I am loved... There is much admiration for my courage... and I AM LOVED!!!!
Yayee!!! Thank you for your love!!!! As of right now, 1:00A, Thursday, June 22, 2006 I have 11 days going on 12 days when I reach 3P this afternoon... Another 13 hours... It's was about this time 12 days ago when I took my first hit and marked the end of my 3 year plus consecutive years of sobriety one day at a time... Since then, it has still been a day at a time... It's seems slow going and my head swims in "the rest of my life." Thank God my Sponsor reels my crazy insane back in and remind me that I need only be concerned about staying sober for the rest of today!
So, since I made it through this past weekend, I have been doing markedly better everyday... I have been praying everyday... I am praying like I mean it! I am changing my attitude... Instead of Grrrrr... or sparking up an ATTITUDE... I have put the two together to have GRRRRRATITUDE!!!
On Friday, June 16th, I got to show up with the rest of my family to cheer as my baby cousin Amy graduated from the High School class of 2006. We celebrated afterwards… I got to spend the night with my sister, her fiancé as well as my baby sister down in Bellflower. I was in a safe place especially when my head and body wanted to go out and have a good time getting high and having sex… Instead, I got to wake up Saturday morning to take my sis and her fiancé to the airport (they are visiting the fiance’s parents for Father’s day weekend as well as the fiance’s Mom’s birthday). I then returned home to take my baby sis with me shopping at Sam’s club… We bought some bare essentials which cost over $100!!! Ouch!!! It sucks being on a budget and making money that keeps me counting and tracking every penny I spend in order to have enough for rent, cell, landline, food, etc… I am thankful I have enough to pay for all that and have a little to spare to hang with my sis… We went and had sushi for lunch in Cerritos… Then I went home promising to return in the evening after my recovery meeting to spend the night with my sister and hang out with her on Sunday… I did exactly that and held to my commitment.
I spent the evening with my baby sis watching a comedy… Then we slept and awoke on Father’s day to go to chinatown for brunch… We had delicious chiu chau food. Then I went to get a haircut… We met up again and drove home… I got to ride along and give my sister guidance as she learned to drive in her car… Then I boldly taught her to drive stick shift… I believe she is gear one down! :o) I am sooo proud of her…. I am sooo honored that I got to show up for my sister and be there for her; to love her; support her; and not flake on her and make excuses for not being there because I was too busy getting high… What a huge gift of sobriety! We concluded the afternoon/early evening with buying some groceries that I used to cook our favorite tomato and beef stir fry for her… I then drove home with just enough time to go to a meeting… I went to the meeting and went fellowshipping with the boys. It felt a lot better at 8 days than just a week ago when I had a whopping 1 day!!!
I have made oodles of phone calls and received oodles of phone calls and sweet, supportive, loving voice messages… I have been met with some people who were judgemental, did not reach out and instead walked away from me because I don’t have a lot of time sobriety. I shared it with my sponsor who shared that my experience may have scared some people…. With having sobriety and working a great program, then relapsing… This scares some people. It was hard watching people turn away from me and shun me… Thankfully that makes up about 2 people out of the onslaught of people who have been nothing but loving, supportive, caring, compassionate and very very welcoming!
I finally received my new cell phone that I ordered from the 15th of June. It’s a very very sporty and tech packed cell phone… Basically I am completely at a loss as to how to use it! It took me 15 minutes to input my sponsor’s number in there correctly. This phone is a camera, cell phone, walkman, mp3 player, and much more all in one very compact 3.5 ounce casing. I’ll have some fun growing with this phone. I even purchased the Bluetooth technology allowing me to speak on the cell phone handsfree allowing me to drive much safer when I am on the road. Just in the past day, I’ve missed over 16 calls… I can’t wait to get all my 200+ contacts into my phone and start calling people in my support group…
Alas, enough of my babbling…. I need to go to sleep… I’ve spent the past 40 minutes typing away… I am thankful for all that I have… I am thankful for getting the opportunity to show up for life because I have stayed clean and sober one more day, just for today.
I see there are a lot of hits on this site… I am sooo very interested to see who all is reading this… I feel your vibes, but I don’t know your name… Care to share? I would love to know who y’all are! I already know you are very important in my life and an integral part of my sobriety, my support group, and active participants in my very very blessed life.
Send me a shout out!!! I AM SHOUTIN’ BACK! I LOVE YOU! THANK YOU!
***MUAH***
Quoc
BACK TO BASICS... HONESTY, HOPE, & FAITH
SCARED, BUT STILL SMILING BECAUSE I HAVE YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT...
It's Friday, June 16th... At 3P this afternoon, I will have made 6 consecutive days clean and sober... I have not done it alone... I have received phone call upon phone call... I have made phone call upon phone call... I have been reaching for help, trying to get out of my head... The COMMITTEE is really talking to me... It certainly is louder than the whispers in my heart...
It's interesting how after 3 years of staying clean and sober one day at a time and to reach a part of my sobriety where the obsession to use and the phenomena of craving was lifted from me... Then to have a slip up... and literally end up right back where I started when I first came in...
It's not as bad as when I first came in, homeless, paranoid, 105 lbs, hopeless, alone, and selfloathing, no self esteem, and just broken... I don't really feel it at all, but I truly believe I am bouncing back quite well.... I have survived a week of detoxing while still going to work, making a meeting EVERYDAY, and praying, writing, making phone calls and reading the big book...
At day 5 going on 6, my body has recovered from that state of dehydration and perpetual sleepiness... The head still is talking to me... It tells me that I will never enjoy sex like I did when I relapsed this past weekend... It tells me that I didn't go on a real run and to take advantage while I am still new to really go out, then come back and stay sober again one day at a time for the rest of my life... I have reservations and I have doubts...
Thankfully, tonight's speaker shared about her having the desire to drink/use for over eight (8) years before it was lifted. She managed to stay sober that long plus thirteen (13) years... Ok... That makes me feel better... That gives me hope...
So, what have I been doing right?
1) Trying to stay out of my head... Practicing the principle of honesty from step one... To honestly share whenever I have a using thought and exactly what the nature of the thought is... I am as sick as my secrets... In sharing honestly with my peers, I am able to shed sunlight on the disease thus taking it's power to manipulate me into relapsing again... I have thankfully been doing that via telephone, with my peers and at the meetings...
2) In practicing sharing honestly with others, I have been given the gift of the principle of hope from the 2nd step... People have been sharing their experience strength and hope of how they made it through another day after a relapse... The people I have been talking to tell me that I am not a disappointment to them, that I have helped keep a lot of people sober, that they are now taking the program more seriously as a result of my relapse, that they love me, support me, want me to get well... I am taking each experience to help pass the minute and hours of each day from the chatty head of mine...
The biggest gift I received today, was calling someone who has oodles of time who picked up the big book and read the Doctors opinion with me when I shared about the phenomena of craving that I am experiencing... I got sooo much out of his read... All he was doing was reading from Ms. Big Book and I heard it as if it were the first time and the book was written about me... I have read the "Dr's opinion" multiple times... The person spent time talking with me, related his own story with me, and shared some insight that really helped me out... The hugest thing I heard from him that I will take to heart is the following...
"Quoc, if you don't want to go through what you have gone through these past 5 days as a newcomer, then I suggest you don't go out and use... If you do, and you are lucky enough to come back, then you will re-experience these five agonizing days all over again... Is going out one more time worth coming back at day 1, 2, 3, 4 & 5 again and re-experiencing all that I have these past days?"
So, I need to be rigorously honest and tell on myself... I have deleted the number of the guy that I hooked up with and relapsed on from this past weekend... I also deleted his e-mail. He unfortunately does not know about me being in the program and relapsing... He still has my e-mail and phone number... Our last conversation consisted of his sharing with me that he is going to call me this Friday, June 16, 2006 to invite me over to play some more and in doing so put me at risk for relapse again...
Twisted alcoholic Quoc is looking forward to picking up the phone call from him and going over for more fun... This is what I want... What I NEED is to be with someone sober and either turn off the phone or be available to answer the phone while I am with someone sober and have the following script ready to read:"Hello, I wanted to let you know I am in recovery and relapsed this past weekend... This is not about you rather about my needing to do what I need to do to save my own life. Please do not call me again." And hang up.. I would want to add that I don't want him to call because he's directly connected to tweaker sex and that will totally lead me to imminent relapse and the consequences that ensue.... My flaking on my job, taking my meds, not showing up for my commitments, not eating, not drinking water, not resting, not being in touch, and diving deeper into throwing my body out of whack from where it is supposed to be chemically...
The ultimate result will be me being unemployed, homeless, sick, paranoid, alone, worrying my friends and family and results in possible death... It's sooo much harder to stay sober this 2nd time around... Perhaps it was this hard when I came in 3 years ago... I just don't remember... My support group continues to share with me that so long as I stay one more day, it increases the chances that this too shall pass... The cravings will recede, the obsession will quiet down, the sanity and serenity will slowly return...
My sponsor shared with me upon consulting with this sponsor that I may continue working my steps and I need not start back at step 1. It was suggested I review step 4 to see if there was any resentments that I may have missed or not share with him... He shared about my needing to review step 6 & 7 and look at the defects that I have been actively practicing: dishonesty via lying by omission and lying by comission...
It's not true that I am Betty Crocker because one person said he didn't want to be intimate with me because he labeled me as Betty Crocker. I didn't have to prove to him that I can be a kinky, adventurous sex fiend that can have raunchy sex... If he is not interested, his loss... I lost patience with God to bring me the person I am meant to be with who will appreciate me for all that I have to offer and offer me characteristics that I will appreciate, adore and embrace about the counterpart... Right now, I have to choose between the two, to be Mr. Recovery and work this program rigorously to stay sober and stay alive or to act macho and like someone who is sexy, appealing to other's sexual desires and lose sight of my primary purpose and relapse and possibly die. Honestly, I want both!!! For now, I need to work AA...
I get to call the fabulous people and hang out with them... I get to ask for fellowship and friendship and fun and celebration of my sobriety... I will work on throwing a party when I turn 1 year sober... For now, I need only share honestly about what is going on to get the scary relapse thoughts out of my head and give myself permission to be a newcomer and extend to myself love, compassion, tolerance, patience and mercy... I get to remember to keep an attitude of gratitude. I get to choose to continue with my sobriety work...
I have lost my time, but I have not lost my sobriety... It's all there... I need only get reconnected with it... I can't do it alone... I haven't been doing it alone... One hand in God and the other hand in AA... Someone shared that "slipping" meant that my hand slipped from God's.
I am asking for God's help to lift my desire to use and have tweaker sex from me... I am asking for God's help to keep me clean and sober one more day... I am asking for your help... your phone calls... your thoughts... your prayers... I know you already are doing it... Thank you... I am able to stay clean and sober because you are there to call me leave me your loving, supportive and sweet messages... It totally debunks my crazy crazy head... I NEED HELP... I CAN'T DO IT ALONE...
Scared, but grateful to be alive and sober one more day...
Quoc
JUNE 11, 2006 - ONE DAY CLEAN AND SOBER
It's with gratitude that I had come back only after a 13 hour run... May this be the last relapse that I experience in my life... I marched at the CSW Pride Parade with my Prevention Contingent. Grateful to be alive, upright and not rail thin, paranoid, homeless, unemployed, unhealthy, spiritually sick and completely insane...
June 11, 2006 is my new sobriety date.. I am proud of it... I intend to keep it just for today... everyday... God help me...
PICTURE ABOVE IS OF ME BEFORE THE PARADE... TIME IS ABOUT 10:45A... JUST BEFORE THE PARADE IS ABOUT TO START. IT'S SURPRISING HOW WELL I LOOK CONSIDERING I AM FEELING LIKE CRAP!!!
PICTURE ABOVE IS OF ME AFTER THE PARADE... TIME IS ABOUT 1:30P... I AM REALLY EXHAUSTED AND DEHYDRATED AFTER A 2 1/2 HOUR WALK TO WEST HOLLYWOOD AND BACK HOME...
I COULD'VE DIED... GLAD TO BE ALIVE...
It is with great humility that I get to share the following information... On Friday night, June 9, 2006 after my evening recovery meeting from 8:30P - 10P... I made my way to a friends place to hook up and play...
I was feeling really insecure from a hook up with someone who was in the recovery program with me who imparted with me that being intimate with me was like f*cking Betty Crocker... He equated me to the PTA Parent leader of recovery.... Mr. Recovery and all about solution... He couldn't see me as someone that is sexy and attractive rather someone to turn to if one needed experience, strength, hope and solution to sobriety and recovery... I know now not to take what one person said and label myself as it... Fact of the matter is I did...
Thus, I went and hooked up with this guy who was NOT in the program. My intention to hook up with this guy was to show what a sexy, raunchy, non-PTA Parent I could be... I placed myself in a dangerous place where drugs were involved. I was arrogant enough to think I could say no in the presence of drugs... I forgot the first step of the program which states that "I AM POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL AND ALL OTHER MIND ALTERING SUBSTANCES..."
Around 1AM, Sat., 6/10/06... Crystal meth was placed in front of me... I couldn't say no... I didn't say no... At 3 years and 3 weeks clean and sober, I said yes and accepted the drugs and took it into my body... I did not hesitate... I did not play the end of the tape... I forgot about the horrific experience that brought me into recovery... I didn't think about all the consequences that would ensue as a result of taking this hit...
13 waking hours of performing all kinds of unthinkable acts... I was exhausted, covered in lube, dehydrated, body in shock from being intoxicated, lack of sleep, and 7 lbs lighter... At 3 in the afternoon, Saturday, I pulled myself together, showered and got in the car and made my way back home...
Driving home, the laundry list of the consequences of my actions...
- Call my sponsor and share about what happened
- Call my sponsees to let them know I relapsed and cannot sponsor them
- Go back to the huge meeting in the evening, stand up and identify as a newcomer
- Place all my 3 year chips that I worked sooo hard for away because they are null and void now
- Feel the shame of having asked those that I love and love me to give me a cake for 3 years and now losing all of it
- Missed my HIV medication dose
- Have to spend some time detoxing and rehydrating and regain nutrition
- Suffer the insane thoughts of being a newcomer again...
- the list goes on... I didn't think of this list before I took the hit...
In calling my sponsor, he gave me some reality checks with his comments... He is glad that I didn't die... Having a body clean of poison for 3 years and then ingesting that into my system, I could've easily died of cardiac arrest... I actually could've... I kind of felt that during those 13 hours... He shared about my behavior shows my complete lack of respect for how powerful this disease is. It is terminal, fatal, progressive... always gets worse, never better... I will have to practice humility and courage by going to meetings and stand up as a newcomer. He insisted on my being very very very careful about having AWAKENED THE MONSTER... He shared it is hard to keep ones sobriety after a relapse... There are people who think that since I've lost my sobriety, it doesn't matter and that I should go on a good run before I come back... Or think of a clever date for a sobriety date... He urged me to stay close, be honest, give myself to be a newcomer, be nice to myself and extend to myself the same amount of compassion and love and support I would give someone else in the program that relapses. He knew that I was beating up on myself and really feeling self-loathe and remorse and regret.
In the past days, I have heard people who have relapsed and took 8 years to come back into the program. I know of people who have relapsed and never made it back... They died of an overdose or complications from being under the influence. I am back by God's mercy, by having worked a program that is consistent enough that the moment I had an opportunity, I saw the path that I have regularly taken for over 1100 days... I stumbled back in step with it.. My body shaking from being weak and in shock and being intoxicated... I could've died... Just from a 13 hour run, I got a good glimpse of what the rest of the path would look like if I kept going... It would end up in disaster and a mess...
So, I have changed my sobriety date from May 19, 2003 to June 11, 2006. I have 3 days clean and sober today... I am completely out of my mind... I have moments of great clarity of sobriety and solution... Then I have moments of wanting to go out and take a hit and have sex and numb out and just be focused on the extreme sexual pleasure of being high... The truth is in doing so, I would end up destroying myself.. My disease wants me dead, but will settle for me miserable...
I am sticking close to the rooms... I have recommitted to going to at least one meeting a day... I am calling my sponsor twice a day... I am calling my support group and sharing as many time as I have using thoughts and thoughts of bailing and not wanting to do this... I am a total newcomer... It's crazy how I am experiencing the same amount of insanity this time around as I was experiencing when I first came into the rooms 3 years ago... It took me awhile before the desire to pick up the drug/drink was lifted... I should expect about the same amount of time... Argh...
I need to do the following this time around:
1) Pick up the phone and share honestly about what is going on and not just about solution... I am as sick as my secrets... Keeping secrets will get me killed... Rigorous honesty is what I MUST practice and apply to my life if I am to stay clean and sober...
2) Remember to have fun and not take life so seriously... find the humor in things... Take my recovery seriously.. but have fun and celebrate the life I have been given in recovery... I hope to have fun and make friends, and really do things a little more differently than just focus 100% of my life into recovery... MAKE RECOVERY MY PRIMARY PURPOSE, NOT MY ONLY PURPOSE.
3) As my friend shared with me, BNQ = BE NICE TO QUOC. Take what the people in the rooms have shared since I have come back... "Welcome back..." I am glad you didn't die. This is not a race. Slip only means my hand slipped out of God's hands... I didn't die and still have limbs; therefore, I can reach back and get ahold of God again... Don't beat myself up for doing what I am by default, and addict/alcoholic. Just be thankful that I didn't go out for any longer than a day... I could've been gone for much longer and may not have come back... I am not a fake and a phony... This is only my self perception of what people think of me...
4) Pick up the phone and call to ask for help and share honestly about what is going on... Pray that God lift the desire to use/drink... remember it is a day at a time program... Go to a meeting everyday... Don't pick up the drug or drink... Not place myself in situations where I would be exposed to drugs/alcohol... Clearly, I have no defense against it if it is right in front of me.
I am sooo thankful for the multitude of phone calls... The constant reminders that you are praying for me... Thank you for not throwing me away... Thank you for reminding me not to throw myself away... I am thankful for another 24 hours clean and sober... Thank you for not judging me, admonishing me, and just shun me... Thank you for reaching out, taking me out and not letting me be by myself for any period of time as it allows my monster to talk me out of recovery and back into the disease... Thank you for your love... Thank you for your love... Thank you for your love...
Here is to one more day... I need phone calls... I am new and insane... I don't want to do this alone... I need your help and support again...
With deep humility and gratitude,
Quoc
HARDER NOT TO FEEL THAN TO FEEL....
STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CRATER OF DIAMONDHEAD IN OAHU... REMEMBERING WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT... AM I ENJOYING THE LIFE THAT I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TODAY?
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD.... SOMETIMES IT'S JUST NICE TO LAY DOWN AND BE HAPPY WITH WHAT I HAVE... NO NEED TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT THE TRAIL I'VE WALKED NOR THE PATH THAT IS AHEAD OF ME...
So, today is day 3 of my mucking around and sleeping after coming home from work, gormandizing myself with food and then hoping to get some work after a nap and end up napping into a full on sleep session...
I have been really hard on myself... I am trying to be productive... I've been working hard at work and still manage to go to meetings and in between taking time to rest... Inertia is productive because I am producing potential energy to be released. I am allowing my body to rejuvenate and refuel itself with energy so I can be on the go again... I am currently in a new position that is very demanding... I'd like to exercise, do my stepwork, clean up my room, eat healthy, fellowship and be on top of the world... The reality is right now I am doing the best I can with what I have and in the words of my sponsor, it's really arrogant of me to think that I should be doing more than humanly possible... I am setting a higher standard for myself than I would other people...
The truth is I can be doing a little more and pushing myself a little harder. The truth also is that I am doing great! I should be proud of myself... Today, I worked a 11 hour work day... I started at 9A and worked til past 8P. Give me a break that I came home, not go to a meeting, ate dinner and rested...
Better yet, in the midst of my feeling guilty while napping with the TV on, I awoke to a movie that grabbed my attention... First it was the greek guy named Costos that really grabbed my attention... Then as I got the content, I was more and more drawn to it...
It was the premiere of some cheesy chick-flick called "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants." You can look it up if you want to find out what it's about... Point being, I watched more and more and became enthralled with the movie... It totally grew on me... I needed some movie to make me feel, to make me cry, to make me relate, to feel like I am not alone in this world... I was sobbing at points throughout the movie... There were great morals and themes throughout the movie... A few are:
Bailey, a girl dying of leukemia sharing about her being scared and sad of not having enough time to find out who she is and living a life that is full... Also imparting the message to her friend to finish her movie because she can and Bailey can't... I got the message of my having the opportunity to continue on making my movie in life... I get to... Some people are not so fortunate...
Then there is the scene of the girl who's mother died... How she had sex with some hot blond guy for all the wrong reasons to numb out... To feel validated, wanted, useful, and necessary... The truth was that everything she wanted and needed was all there if she only changed her perspective on what happiness meant... wanting what she had.
Then I sighed about the girl who felt insecure about herself but naturally radiated beauty and met a gorgeous young worldly greek guy who fell in love with her and brought out the best in her and named all the beautiful, lovable, and adorable things about her that she knew was there but couldn't name it...
He said a couple really beautiful lines... Some people want you to notice your beauty so you wouldn't look beyond that... Other people try to hide their beauty because they want you to see more than what is skin deep...
She said something to the effect of not knowing who she is but having an idea of what she would like to be...
Ah... These lines are sooo beauty... I was sooo emotional by the end of the movie... I have been beating up on myself for the past few days for things undone when I am not celebrating all the wonderful things I have accomplished. I am sooo afraid of living life and pulling my life together for fear that when I finish cleaning up the tangible visible mess in my life that the end result is that I won't feel any sense of resolution, serenity, or inner sanity...
What I get to do is give it a try and see what happens... Not have contempt prior to investigation... Not admitting defeat to a situation before I even try it... I am bound for failure if I am going into a task believing I will be defeated, the effort is futile and I will fail. If that is the energy I put forth, how else is the universe supposed to respond?
Today, I called my Therapist to inform him that I need a break from him for the month... I want to try this on my own, with my support group, finding friends, working my steps, walking with one hand in God and the other hand in my recovery... Practicing the Principles of each step of the program... of honesty, hope, faith, courage, integrity... I can't name them all yet, but I would like to... I need only continue practicing... Making mistakes and be compassionate and merciful when I find myself being "human."
I get to start my day over at any given moment... Like right now.... I put it out to the universe to remind me why I am working so hard, doing the stepwork, and striving to be perfect in your eyes when I haven't made any investment in self validation, celebrating my perfection in God's eyes, that the most important things to me at the end of the day are:
1) My recovery
2) My family
3) My friends and the relationship and experiences I get to make with them
4) My health
5) Opportunity to be useful and actually FEEL useful
6) Feeling like I belong to something wonderful and amazing
7) Feeling the cool air conditioned air against my warm skin
8) Softness of a fluffy pillow against my cheek when I lay my head down
9) Giggles of glee when my humor crosses paths with another and we connect from soul to soul
10) Warm voice of my sponsor, my friends when they leave messages of gratitude for me...
11) Knowing that I made a difference in someone's world today by listening, sharing my experience, placing a hand on their shoulder to let them know they are not alone, giving them a warm hug as well as receiving a warm hug, to make someone smile, pick up the phone to let someone know I appreciate them...
12) To have a warm and delicious meal that makes me feel warm and fuzzy from head to toe
13) The goosebumps I get from excitement of someone I am attracted to; better yet, the continued goosebumps from the reciprocation of that attraction...
14) The wonderful friends that I have around the world, from San Diego, to Texas, to Chicago to Hawaii to Germany...
Ah... These are the qualities of life from the mundane worries and concerns I have of whether I completed a report correctly, knowing the purposes of pharmaceutical medications, getting the budget for my programs correct and by the requested deadline, appeasing a boss that I feel is unreasonable and incourageable and inconsolable, getting to work on time, coming back to lunch on time, getting all my work done, having a clean desk, making sure my staff are doing what they are supposed to be doing when they are supposed to be doing it, fussing over the state of my messy room, feeling guilty that I am resting and not being proactive about my recovery, not doing my traditions studying for the sponsor sponsee meeting by Sunday, not having enough downtime over the weekend....
I surrender the last paragraph to God and ask God to remind me the listed number of things that really matter... when I am in a place of fret and stress and thoughts of being insufficient, inefficient, not enough time, not enough energy, not enough money, not enough love, not enough friendship, not enough sex, not enough sleep, not enough exercise, not enough meditation, not enough recovery... ad nauseum....
Remember where my feet are... Remember that when I place my head on the pillow each night all the wonderful things that occurred and didn't occur in my life and that I got to be present for each event...
God help me... Friends out there... help me... Hey, do me a favor.. IF YOU ARE READING THIS LINE, THEN TAKE A MOMENT TO DROP ME AN E-MAIL AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK... LET ME KNOW THAT I AM NOT ALONE AND TYPING TO MYSELF... THAT YOU ACTUALLY IDENTIFY WITH ALL THAT I HAVE BABBLED ABOUT IN THE ABOVE JOURNAL.... THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OK... THAT EVERYTHING IS OK! This would mean a lot to me...
Lesson for today again... Happiness is not getting what I want... It's wanting what I have... It's wanting what I have and giving it a name and voicing it and making it tangible... The more I give the gratitude power, the more my negative thinking hopefully will diminish...
Remembering to be human,
Quoc
SMILING IN THE RAIN...
It's all a matter of attitude... Here I am smiling in the rain... I am in a great space despite being in the rain, because I was in Hawaii, on vacation, and having a blast with a friend.
I hope to have this attitude with walking through my life today, especially when I think the day looks bad... I have a choice to change it around and see the bright side of things and be optimistic.... I find challenge in seeing positive side in things because I am arguing for the limitations at first glance... For example the June gloom, my current challenging work environment, feeling financially insecure, and not having fun...
I can easily change it up... I will pray on this tonight in hopes that God will help me creatively and practically see the greener pastures and the positive aspects of whatever experience I perceive to be challenging or negative...
Any creative suggestions folks? Please e-mail and share with me!
Quoc
ACCEPTING BEING HIV POSITIVE . . .
So, I am currently working on my 8th step... I am writing down a list of persons and institutions that I have done harm to and identified the character defects that is practiced as a result of the behavior...
In doing so, I have been thinking about past and current behavior. There is one that is just picking at me and bothering me. I have not been honest with other people about my HIV status... Having safe sex, but not being honest with my sex partner is not ok. I acted alcoholically and selfishly to satisfy an immediate and temporary desire. There is that fear of rejection; abandonment; shame; feeling unloved; unwanted; unnecessary; and undesirable... I wish and hope that the guys I will be dating from this point forth will give me the opportunity to get to know me before throwing me away. Either way, what their reaction is and how they feel about my being HIV positive is none of my business... I need only trust that God will allow for me to cross paths with the people that are healthy for me... In the process, I will experience the "ow" in growth; meaning I will be rejected and told that they are not comfortable with being with me.
Truth be told, I probably won't be able to date myself if I were HIV negative... HIV is tricky thing... It can be a scary thing... It scares me even now because I never know when my body will reject the life saving meds I take on a daily basis... I have been healthy almost 4 years. I have been blessed with early detection and early treatment and management of my HIV. Nonetheless, there are lots of fears… These feelings are like layers on an onion…
I feel compelled to pull my own covers and be honest about what is going on… Where I am at with my life… Remember that I am “human” and not “God.” In knowing this, remember to be compassionate and merciful with myself when I make mistakes… And in practicing the spirit of step 8 in preparation of step 9, I am compelled to change behavior that is harmful to myself and to other people.
I ask for God’s help in giving me the courage to face my fears and maintain rigorous honesty to the best of my ability. If I am to maintain my sobriety, I must be rid of selfishness and dishonesty and be willing to change my behavior…. Feeling regret and remorse is not enough… Spiritual connection with my Higher Power, sanity and sobriety demands change in unhealthy behavior that comes sooo very natural to an alcoholic like myself and replace it with healthy behavior that is contrary to my natural reactions and behaviors…
This is a tall order… I ask to remember being human… I ask for acceptance for what I have… I express gratitude for what I have, my health, loving friends, and an opportunity for love, intimacy and romance in God’s time, not my time… I ask for patience, hope, trust and faith in my Higher Power and reaffirm to do my part and work towards honesty, integrity, and authenticity. I am not in the business of delivering results; that is God’s job… I need only be concerned about doing the work…
Life is scary at times when we are asked to accept things that we absolutely despise and don’t want in our lives… In my case, it’s living with HIV.
ANYONE OUT THERE WITH EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH AND HOPE TO SHARE WITH ME? I AM SOOO OPEN TO HEARING YOUR THOUGHTS…
Humbly yours,
Quoc
