BRIEF DEBRIEFING OF TODAY
This past day's debriefing is done via a correspondence I wrote to my boss at work:
I just got home... It was a very emotional day with the family. Mom got to take pictures with Judy in her gown; she brought it with her. Dad got to hold Mom's hand... All five of us were able to be together when the Doctor shared with us the news of Mom's prognosis. Mom has about a month left to live... A bed opened up today and Mom was transported to West Covina's "Citrus Valley Hospice" care facility. Chin had to attend to Dad's ambulatory return to Bellflower. I helped with getting Mom settled in the new hospice facility out in West Covina. I have been going non-stop all day. I will be flying out to San Francisco tomorrow and will be returning on Monday afternoon. I already have commitments booked a month ago for this upcoming Tuesday. It will be difficult to get out of it. I know the timing is all off.
I don't know what to say. I am trying my best to balance everything. I seem to be coming up short in all areas. I understand where you stand. I thank you for all the extended allowances and support you have offered me thusfar. I know it's not easy considering my need to be there. I will try to check my e-mail in the evening after my meeting on Monday.. It will be after 9PM.
Hope all continues to go well...
I will write more upon my return from San Francisco... Folks... I welcome your comments in the website... I need your responses and suggestions and whether you can relate to what I am going through... Thank you for your continued love, support and thoughts for myself and my family...
Regards,
Quoc
ONE MORE "LAM" REUNION…
So, what an amazing week this has been. I have been through the whole emotional rollercoaster with hearing the words of the Doctors sharing that they have done everything they can for my Mom and that now is the time to make her comfortable. Mom is nearing the end of her life on this plane of existence.
Yesterday, Thursday, June 23, 2005, I was there with other family members to witness a very very proud moment. My baby sister Judy graduating from high school. I am sooo proud of her. She was one of the few (less than 10) to receive the highest honors for academic excellence of having a gpa between 4.0-4.49! That is an A++++. She was recognized as #4 rank in a class of over 200 students! She was acknowledged by both the Valedictorian and the Salutatorian for being a great friend, confidante, source of strength, and just great young woman! This is my sister! Congratulations Ms. Class of 2005!!!
Today, in a few hours, the 5 members of my immediate family (Dad, Mom, Chin, Judy, and myself) will be in the same room together for the last time. My sister Chin arranged for an ambulance to pick Dad up so he may say hello and good-bye to Mom. My sister shared that he has a right as Mom’s husband, partner, and soulmate to see Mom one last time. Both Judy and my Father will find out the prognosis of my Mom’s condition for the first time this morning. Judy was not told because we didn’t want this news to ruin my baby sister’s graduation and celebration at Grad Night. All of us will be there to hear the news one more time… That the chemotherapy was ineffective; that there is nothing more they can do to treat Mom’s condition and now is the time to make Mom as comfortable as possible for what little time she has left. I don’t know how Judy and Dad is going to take it. I don’t know how anyone is going to take it in the room to hear that again… I guess I will find out this morning…
These are the blessings that I get to experience by the grace of my loving Higher Power and by practicing the principles of the recovery program one day at a time. One demand I make of myself is not to pick up the drug or drink just for today. The other suggestions to so I may be in the spotlight for receiving “the promises” is to be of service to other people; to continue going to as many recovery meetings as I can and most important to continue building that foundation of my recovery by working the 12 steps!!!
I have been going to meetings and sharing whenever I can and need to. I have cried up at the podium and shared that I can’t do this alone and that I need help. I asked for help and the universe conspired and is doing everything within it’s omnipotent power to help me… Loving, nurturing, sympathetic, empathetic people have reached out in support of me and my family. By sharing, I am helping another person see that one does not have to use or drink or run from seemingly painful experiences. I heard that faith and fear cannot live in the same house. If I am in fear, then I do not have faith that whatever is going on in this given moment is meant to be and that the road has already been paved; I have the privilege of walking down this path and experience it in my own way. I heard that the only truth about the past is that it is not “here” and in the present if I don’t drag it into the present. If “I” don’t drag it into the present! It was suggested I don’t future trip about the current dilemma and to do what is in front of me and to really relish what I have RIGHT NOW! I was also told that whatever I am feeling, I get to honor that and express it to its fullest: cry, sob, and just get as emotional as I need to. I know now that I may start my day over at any time. If I am having a miserable day, I can choose to start it over at 7:14PM right then and there! Who says the day has to start over in the morning? I also get to hear one very important piece that I continue striving towards: to see myself the way that the person I hold to be most important to me sees me. In these past days, my Mother sees me as a loving son, a good man, a good son, a compassionate man, a generous soul, and a sensitive human being. These are Truths of myself that my disease strives to derail on a constant basis…
Anyway, I have to get ready for the visit with the family, go to work, pick up a newcomer from a recovery house and take him to a recovery meeting; we will elect a new secretary (I have been for the past 5-6 months) and rest for the evening… I wake up tomorrow to grab my bag and be taken to the airport where I will be in San Francisco to partake in some of the Pride festivities and march in the Pride parade… Without sobriety and without continuing to diligently work hard for the dreams that I have, I wouldn’t have any of it… I would not be present physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
I give props to my God today… Thank you God… Just for today, please quiet my mind long enough for me to hear the whispers of your voice in my heart. Just for today, please help me stay clean and sober. Just for today, what can I do to be of service to others? Just for today, allow me to feel the feelings and honor them without shame or guilt. Just for today, please bless my Mom with serenity and freedom from pain and discomfort. Thank you for the Grand life that I have today…
Gratefully,
Quoc
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT
This is one response to the many kind words that are coming in support of our family's challenging time:
Dear ****;
Thank you for your kind words... We found out on Monday morning that there is nothing more we may do for her. The chemotherapy did not change her condition; as a matter of fact her condition has gotten worse. They are giving her a few weeks. We have to make the decision of doing everything we can to make Mom as comfortable as possible.
The grieving process is very interesting to say the least. I've never gone through something like this. I go through emotional extremes; one moment I am ok and the next moment I am at my desk sobbing uncontrollably. I realize that I have the opportunity to be there for Mom as much as I can. This is the time when I wish I had all the money in the world so I may be there for her around the clock. The nursing care at the hospital is abysmal at best!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Right now, all I pray for is that my mother finds serenity and freedom from pain until she passes onto the next plane of existence.
Hope all continues going well with you. Thank you for your continued love, support and encouragement. I will need it more than ever in the weeks to come.
Warm regards,
Quoc
IT'S TIME TO MAKE MOM COMFORTABLE...
These are such difficult thoughts to keep... Difficult because of fear that Mom is dying and leaving behind a lot of loved ones... It's not about me and my fears and my feelings. I honor these feelings; what I am reminded is that now is the time to be there for Mom as much as possible and make her as comfortable as possible with what time she has left.
I noticed her hair start to fall out today... Still some effects from the chemo that she was on a few weeks back. That didn't work... The cancer is everywhere. Mom is having difficulty breathing; she is having difficulty eating (swallowing hurts); she is having difficulty speaking; she is coming in and out of consciousness from the morphine, fatigue and whatever else the cancer is doing to her; she is all swollen up from adema; she is unable to move from being bedridden for so long...
She is feeling alone and scared. She asked me to try to hire someone to be with her at night to give her what little sustenance she can take at a time... I hate hospitals!!! I know they are doing the best they can, but I absolutely hate the care that is offered at hospitals. I am thankful I have been able to visit her and spend time feeding her, and just being there with her.
Mom is in pain... This really sucks!!! I continue to honor her by doing the best I can in caring for myself... I continue working on my 4th step, go to meetings, call my support group, reach out to newcomers, be of service whenever I can, go to work, and try to have some fun all the meanwhile. This whole grieving process is very interesting... It's painful, then not so painful, then it goes away, then when I least expect it, it comes crashing down onto my heart like a 10 ton wall... I am irritable and judgemental... I am mentally, emotionally and physically spent. I continue to find balance...
I continue to pray to God that Mom finds serenity and comfort in the coming weeks... I ask you to pray for my Mother... I don't know how to put a memorial together. There is no money for a funeral and Mom insisted that we don't spend money on her for a funeral; she has decided to donate her body to science. Mom asked that nothing be done for her, but a memorial is for the living, not for the dead... Please don't tell Mom. She is not supposed to know this... There is the chinese culture, then there is the american one. I have experience with neither one. I don't know what is appropriate. I guess I have to talk about these things with my sister and find the best one that suits the needs of those that love and care for my mother.
There is a lot more going on... This pretty much takes precedents over everything else. I am sad... I only pray for serenity and freedom from discomfort for my Mom. I am open to healing thoughts and suggestions from you folks...
Solemnly,
Quoc
Are my rocks in order?
First, I would like to extend my apologies for those who continue to read this site and keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers. I haven't been the best in taking time out in blogging. That is not to say nothing has been going on. Far from!!! As a matter of fact, sooo much has gone on since the last time I blogged...
So, what has prompted me to take a minute to just check in? Because I am not taking time to check in... In the words of a wise minister, are my rocks in order? Am I addressing the big rocks and allowing the smaller pebbles and stones find their way around the big rocks and fit in? Well, clearly not... I am an alcoholic/addict. I behave alcoholically!!! That means my thinking is warped and my actions without having bounced it off someone else end up being done back-asswards!!!
So, what are my big rocks? 1- my sobriety 2- my health; which is broken down into my spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical. Then comes everything else... Am I taking time out to rest when my body calls for that? In writing my daily gratitude list, am I including myself in the gratitude? Am I giving gratitude for a very loving, caring, nurturing, diligent, compassionate, patient, considerate, and merciful self? That is a lot coming from someone who used to (and even now and then) identify as self-centered, self-seeking, and self-serving, and selfish!
In the past months, I have been learning the lesson of balance... Making time and making myself important enough to do nice things for such as go out to a movie, buy something nice for myself without guilt. It's a constant battle switching from self-conscious to God-conscious. Self-conscious is self abusive and dismissive of those things that are important to me such as rest and fun. Self-conscious manifests feeling of guilt and shame when I am doing self-loving actions; moreso, self-conscious further agitates feelings of guilt and shame when I am already being of service telling me that I am not doing enough.
Today, I called Mom who asked me to go over and bring some more vietnamese vermicelli for her. I shared with her I had to work. She asked if I could bring it over in the morning or the evening. Again, I reiterated my unavailability. Guilt set in that I am being a bad son by not honoring the wishes of my ailing mother. Now, the insanity, is that I am feeling bad for saying no because I can't do it, as opposed to I can, but I don't want to. If I could I would.
My disease is exactly like a radio tuned into KFUK, with the tuning knob and the "off" switch broken. I can only tune out by focusing on my recovery, my work, being of service, going to a meeting and hearing the solution, doing stepwork, calling other friends and sharing the Truth of where I am. There are days when the volume seems quieter than others; it's not a coincidence it is times when I was given the opportunity to help a new comer, to be of service at a meeting by greeting people to the meetings or leading the meeting or just putting away chairs.
My disease in this given moment does not bring up thoughts of using as often as it used to. Step 1 in the Big Book says that "I admitted I am an alcoholic/addict, that my life is unmanageable." Okay, I really get part two of step one. My life is managed by my own devices and own will brought me to the doorstep of recovery. I have to remember that...
Anyway, I think I am trying to avoid sharing what is really going on by sharing all that spiritual stuff... It's all good and fine, but it's not checking in with what is really going on and what I want to do and what you probably want to know... WHAT IS GOING ON IN QUOC'S LIFE!!!
Well...
1) I have 2 years and almost 1 month of sobriety
2) I am a certified HIV Counselor
3) I am Department Coordinator for the Prevention Department
4) I am working on the 4th column of the 4th step which is basically an opportunity to see the patterns of warped thinking and action that I brought into the table of resentments I have against other people places and things... This is a biggy and a toughy!!! Very repetitive, but painful just the same because I get to see in black/blue ink on white paper my part in being inconsiderate, dishonest, selfish, self-seeking, acting out of fear, meddlesome, holding onto a grudge, expectations, lackof acceptance, lacking in gratitude, and just all these things I used as ammunition to blame YOU for causing my lack of serenity, happiness, and freedom. I get to see my part... OW!
5) I am calling 5 people as requested by my sponsor (a newcomer, an old-timer, same-time, my sponsor and the world service center) In calling the world service center, I got to hear from the lady on the other line that the journey I am leading is one of a hero!!! Very few people have the intestinal fortitude to go through with RIGOROUS HONESTY, this fact-finding and fact facing process. Most people bolt, so I feel compelled to feel proud of myself!
6) I am driving again, but literally living paycheck to paycheck as the expenses of life is just barely meeting my income. God is giving me just what I need, and not more for now... I try to be greatful for what I have....
Ok... tonight is not one of those evenings where I feel very eloquent and articulate... My thoughts are scattered. I better get going... I hope you got some things as to what is going on with my life... I will make a bigger effort to focus on the big rocks of self-care and self-love so I am available to others who need my loving, radiant, and wanted presence.
Greatfully,
Quoc
PS - thank you sooo much for your thoughts and prayers!!!! I look forward to continued e-mails from you... I really read and apppreciate them!!!
