Quoc's Web Journal

So, as a part of my 9th step amends, I get to file for bankruptcy and start my financial life over fresh and new! I went into the attorney's office that my sponsor recommended for me... The price is $2,000 to file. Ouch! I have to scrounge up some way to find this much money just to file... This will set me back living very modestly and paycheck to paycheck again through June!!! I feel ok knowing that the alternative is not filing and having to constantly face possible wage garnishment and them coming after me... I won't be able to save up enough to pay the full amount to the attorney until the 2nd week of May... I face the risk of the law offices on behalf of the creditors that have filed liens against me of possibly seeking me out and end up garnishing my wages. That really will set me back as I am already living pretty modestly...

So, I gotta hunker down and cook a lot and not take any trips or even go on dates because I can't afford these luxuries right now. I would like to make more money to accommodate for filing for bankruptcy without interrupting my enjoying the amazingly fun life I have been born into as a result of working on the 9th step...

Just this past weekend, I enjoyed a mini-vacation with a couple sober friends driving up to San Francisco. We treated ourselves to the wonderfully warm and sunny weather and visited the non-touristy parts of San Francisco like walking around the neighborhood homes around the Castro area including a 5 mile all day trek we did walking through all of Haight & Ashbury. It was an amazing time... I don't recall feeling this kind of relaxation since my trip to Catalina many many years ago with my Parks & Recreation crew. I remember that moment when I was laying in bed with my friends and just laughing and sharing stories... It felt sooo liberating.

I have been experiencing an amazing liberation from bondage of self and the ties that I feel compel me to walk with my head down or my head in the sand like an ostrich.... I no longer have to run from the shameful behaviors of my past from myself or anyone else. I am empowered and motivated to try not to repeat the behaviors that have created the current list of people, places and institutions that I will be making amends to. It all started with that wonderful 1st amends that I did with my sponsor... The one to myself...

I have been able to start dropping a lot of the things I do to myself out of obligation or conditioned belief and direction by people in my past... Just this past weekend, I gave myself permission to not finish a meal and stop when I am full... I also gave myself permission to not be so practical and enjoy treating myself to some fun!!! I need not just buy the things I need... For now, I am limited by my finances, but when I do have money, I will work on giving myself permission to treating self to nice things and be ok with that!!! I am deserving of receiving the best quality of everything that life brings, so long as I do it responsibly.

Lastly, I have been dealing with feelings and defects that come up in response to people I have been meeting and looking at the possibilities of intimacy.... I want dating, snuggling, and spending quality time together beyond just the physical act of "bumping uglies!" I no longer have to settle for that because that is what I am used to. I can redesign and create the very nature of relationships that I want in my life. In doing so, I am facing the fears and feelings of rejection from my being HIV positive. I am also facing consequences of my not being honest about my HIV with others because I am afraid that I am going to be automatically dismissed and discounted.

It sounds all good and fine by many of whom have supported me in sharing that if "they dismiss me and reject me on the basis of just me being HIV" then it is really their loss of getting to have an amazing relationship with me... The Truth and my current experience is that I am so sensitive to these few new relationships that I am courageous enough to even gather enough balls to just talk to them and then tell them my status and IMMEDIATELY GET REJECTED. It hurts; it scares me; it disappoints me; it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me; something hideously undesirable about me.... As a matter of fact, I think it is difficult for me to accept because I feel there is something hideously wrong with me and unacceptable of me being HIV positive... Clearly I have not come to terms with my HIV status.

I am not strong enough to accept all the projected rejections by the people I will be approaching for expanding the relationship beyond platonic... But I also am not strong enough to just put things on hold and not have relationships with others beyong just the platonic... I am stuck between a rock and a hard place... I am already making mistakes that are raising red "character defect" flags... I am already creating some more wreckage from mistakes...

Telling myself "practice makes progress" here is not ok... I am working very hard on growing smart a lot faster than the pace that I am moving at... I will continue to ask for God's help... Continue to affirm to do the right thing... Continue to redirect my energies and desires for intimacy to exercise and other healthy activities that build strong friendships and sets a foundation for intimacy. I will act on what the big books suggests, when matters of sex become an issue, I get to throw myself harder into helping another alcoholic and be of service. Lastly, I do get to give myself permission to not outgrow human and give myself permission to take chances, face rejection and trust God and the process and know that somewhere beyond the scope of my limited projections of being all alone and rejected by everyone will be deep intimacy, friendship and love beyond what I can ever imagine.... I need only trust the process and others that are examples and role models for me...

Wish me luck.... Thanks all for your continued support... Anyone have any idea how to make $2,000 fast cash legitimately?! :-)

Hugs,

Quoc