ARGUE FOR MY LIMITATIONS... POOF THEY'RE MINE
Answer to question why I had painful experiences…
Move into today and right now… I wouldn’t be where I am right now without the experiences that I went through… Don’t question, but trust that there is a reason why I went through what I went through… If I didn’t experience pain, I wouldn’t have anything to compare happy experiences with. Does that help in answering the question… If my Higher Power commanded me to be happy for the rest of my life would I be willing to honor that?
Quote that I like: “Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they’re yours!!!” – Illusions, The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah, by Richard Bach
Today…
I spent the evening reading more of Illusions… Yeah, I am getting a lot out of it… It’s all dependent on how much I am going to apply it to MY life. I served as secretary for the first meeting last night at the Friday Round Robin recovery meeting in Hollywood. Things didn’t go perfect, but it went. I needn’t worry about it! I shared about working the 12 steps of the program, not the 12 stand stills! I shared about sharing with my sponsor that I was feeling miserable… He asked if I was more miserable than I felt when I came into the program 20 months ago. I shared about my difficulty with my roommate. My sponsor asked what my part was in contributing to the challenging situation: people pleasing. I shared about obsessing over the TV and feeling guilty about it and my not wanting to do that; he shared that I was doing exactly what I want because I want to feel miserable and my actions show that I want to feel miserable. He reminded me to restate step one in my morning prayer: I admit that I am powerless over my addiction and addictive behaviors (watching TV, sex…), and my life is UNMANAGEABLE. I shared that “it (the situations that are challenging to me)” are causing me to feel the way that I feel… My sponsor says there is no “it.” “I” am the one that is causing these problems and feelings. It’s also very simple; all this can stop if I just choose to stop feeling this way. Or if I am in a challenging situation, for me to take CONTRARY action and do something about it!!!
Other highlights:
Friday morning around 4 AM, I received a phone call from someone I’ve known for over a year; he was drunk and in pain and couldn’t put down his drink. He totally brought me back to where I was when I first came in crying uncontrollably… Feeling completely miserable and not knowing what to do with the “dire” situation. It’s simple, but sometimes as I saw in “J” that we just don’t see the obvious thing to do: put down the drink, go to a meeting, and share, and be of service, and read the big book and not pick up that first drink once it’s been put down. Hm… That really allowed me to move into gratitude about where I am.
During the meeting, a newcomer with 11 days, another “J” asked me if I was available to be a sponsor. I answered yes… He asked if I had a car and already had expectations of me. I didn’t respond by telling him that all I am responsible for doing is to guide him through the 12 steps and be his spiritual guide. I am not a chauffeur, nor a bank, nor a counselor, nor a friend. I can, but that is not my primary purpose. Also, in hearing him share, he shared he has been spoiled and has been served many things with a silver spoon. What do I know now? First to ask the sponsee to call me everyday for a week. Second to be able to answer yes to the following request: be willing to go to any lengths to stay clean and sober (i.e. – acknowledging step one and really throw away any reservations). I felt a twinge that I wasn’t good enough and had to prove that I was by sharing that I was working on a car. I don’t have to. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. He did bring out a sensitive subject because I have been feeling frustrated about not having a car. It’s going to take me at least 1 year of saving up to come close to acquiring a car. Sigh… Patience; trust; and keep doing the work!!!
Today… I took myself out to have Vietnamese food… I went to get a haircut; my barber asked what kind of look I want with my hair, a fellow colleague commented that a good looking person like me would look fine with any hair-do. Wow! She paid me a high compliment for fun and for free. That felt good. I don’t see the beauty on the outside or inside on a consistent basis. Others do! That felt good. I get to work on loving myself; feeling sexy when I look in the mirror… I know what I need to do, now do I want it enough to do something about it?
Ok… there is my blurb for the week… I really want access to a cpu so I may journalize when I am at home and can write in peace; save; and transfer it to the net when I come to work… In due time…. Thanks for your prayers all… Just for today, I am feeling much better!!!
Quoc
SUNNY OUTSIDE... STORMY INSIDE
Journal entry: Monday, January 17, 2005 (MLK Holiday) 2 PM
74 degrees, sunny, blue sky, and beautiful on the outside, but on the inside, stormy, dark, rainy, cold, and chaotic… Who put me there? ME! The me that is highly tolerable to pain and is self-loathing… I am still labeling and verbally berating myself because I feel it’s getting sympathy and attention from others… It works, but not as powerful as if I were to be self loving, self supportive and uplifting myself!!! It’s kinda like the Monsters Inc. movie where screams create power, but laughter creates 10 times more power than screams!!! There is a solution!!! There is a transition… I am getting better…. It will be a turbulent ride as I continue on this road… So, I am on a slump, just for today; at least from what I perceive. From examining the evidence, I am doing extremely well and meeting goals everyday. My head tends to discount and overlook those accomplishments and focus on the stuff I haven’t completed; consequently leading to my feeling like an unproductive leech to society!!!
I am at work right now, because I feel like I am first taking on more work than is in my job description what I can handle!!! I am falling behind and feeling frustrated about that!!! I am not doing self loving fun activities for me, but riding the coat tails of others… I continue to stay willing and use the tools by calling people in my support group; going to meetings, and to the best of my ability, turning my will and my life over to the care of my Higher Power (Spirit of the Universe, that which sheds light on the TRUTH of who and what I am).
So, what is frustrating me? This cough that won’t let up and lingering on forever (my health). My room being a mess. My not having a livingroom or dining room to call my own and enjoy without feeling like I am a guest in someone elses home. Not having touched my 4th step for a couple weeks now. My bathroom not being cleaned for over 3 weeks now. Draining my time on watching tv… It’s taking away from my mental, visual, and physical energy reserve; it’s drawing me away from attending to those accomplishing those things that will bring me serenity. I broke out in a sweat last night fretting over what hasn’t been done and all the things that need to be done and how little time I have to complete them…
I was certainly not staying in the moment or moving into solution and as I use the analogy of keeping my eyes where my feet are, on the yellow brick path… I am on the path, but my eyes wander out in the forest and I impose fear and feelings of confusion and being lost and all the dark things that are out there… TRUTH tells me that I am on the path and I am doing well despite how I am feeling, so long as my feet stay grounded on the path… Service via commitments and calling other people and helping another person in recovery. Unity via fellowshipping and going to meetings and reaching out my hand and partaking in the program. Recovery via actively working the steps, reading the big book, 12 and 12, or any spiritual literature, meditating, praying, and turning my will and my life over.
I left my apartment annoyed at my nosey and inconsiderate roomy today. He insinuated that I was keeping him in the dark about my physical health. He asked where I was going today and would make a comment that alludes that I shouldn’t be where I am going. First, it’s none of his business!!! Number two, it’s none of his business!!! Of course I didn’t say anything about it. I am all pissed off at him and serenity all mucked up and he doesn’t even know any of this is going on! Talk about renting free emotional space to another person! Sheesh!!! He didn’t make me feel this way. I did. By not sharing with him how I feel, I am carrying the full burden of this misery. In the words of my sponsor, I am being selfish and manipulative. I am being selfish by not sharing my feelings because I am afraid that he may not react in a favorable manner; therefore, by not sharing I am being manipulative in getting a reaction that I want.
So, my solution was to go to work. I called my sponsor and a few people while I was at the bus stop. Then I saw a car parked 50 feet west of me. There were 3 people waving at me. I heard one of them ask if I wanted to go to the Tropical. I waved them away and shook my head. First I felt like a fool responding to them because they could be talking to someone behind me. There was no one. Then I was thinking man these people are crazy for asking me to go to a place that sounds like a bar! The car pulled up alongside me and they greeted me by my name! Haha… Talk about God doing for me what I need to be doing and not what I want to be doing… They were people I had just met a week ago at a meeting. They wanted to invite me to a recovery meeting they were headed to. I hopped in and went to a meeting!!! I got to listen to the reading of a pamphlet sharing about staying clean and sober on the “outside.” That is where I visualized the first few lines of the journal. It’s beautiful out and crazy on the inside.
I also got to evaluate my excuse of staying indoors on account of the bad weather in the past 2 weeks. The weather has been nothing but beautiful mild and warm and I have still been locking myself in my bedroom watching tv and sleeping and doing nothing but worry about what hasn’t been done and what needs to be done and how I don’t have enough time to do anything. I then feel sorry for myself and go to sleep or watch another movie to distract myself and the cycle repeats itself!!! Sheesh!!! I am thankful to be out of the apartment and out of myself!!!
I better get to work. I am genuinely behind in work. I will repeat the mantra of staying in my moment and keeping my eyes on where my feet are. Exactly where they need to be, on the yellow brick road of recovery. I give thanks for that!!! I will forgive myself for my shortcomings and be patient with my progress, love myself for my continued accomplishments and support myself to move forward. I am a loving, caring and exuberant person deserving love, support, and the best that life has to offer.
Thanks for reading all the craziness from above…
Regards,
Quoc
PS - I have 20 months clean and sober this Wednesday!!! That is 1 year and 8 months!!! Cool!!! One day at a time!!!
