Quoc's Web Journal

TO GO OUT OR NOT TO GO OUT... THERE IS NO MIDDLE ROAD.

I received a phone call from my sponsor tonight... It's the first night I think since I've started going to my Monday night recovery meeting that I have missed one. Of course it would be the one that my sponsor would go to! When I didn't make it there. So, I shared with him that I almost went out and used last night... He told me no... I either did or didn't. It's like saying I am kind of late, or I am kind of pregnant, or I am kind of dead... I either am or I am not! My sponsor shared that I can only live one day at a time. The end result of yesterday was that I did not go use! If I really wanted to, I would have sought it out. I had the blessed help of my Higher Power by placing safeguards along the way as I ventured out. The feelings that I have are of not accepting my sexual self... Not feeling ok with having sex. Again, if I did not breech what is suggested on page 69, then I am ok! If I did and I didn't use, then the day was a success!!!

My sponsor suggested that I read chapter 3, there is a solution! I love my sponsor. I trust my sponsor. I am thankful that my sponsor tolerates me and loves me despite my insanity and my trudging!!!!

My deadline for the fourth step is on the 7th. I am not completely done with my 4th step yet, and I will not count my chicks until they hatch, nor will I give up for dead what I don't know will happen in the future to come. All I really have is to stay in the moment.

What all happened this weekend? In a nutshell, I was a very very productive and trusted member of the organization, entrusted to put together a very thoroughly written grant application worth over 1/2 million dollars and did it to the best of my ability and did it without stressing out or tripping or trippin' over making a mistake! :-)

Things to be thankful for! Progress not perfection... I am thankful that I have people who e-mail me now and then and I am thankful for those who do read it and keep up with my life and pray for me and send me love and keep me in their prayers without my even knowing!!!

Thank you to you all! You know who you are... I love you folks and truly feel blessed to have you in my life!!!

It's time for beddy-bye... It's been a full day... I missed my day dose of HIV meds because I forgot to bring them this morning. How does it feel? Great!!! Why? No gas, no diarrhea or any other gastrointestinal problems! But the long run is that my HIV gets a handle on me and starts taking me out! Ah well... Back on the meds tonight... I really would like to have a change in regiment... As effective as this regiment is working in keeping my viral load down to undetectable and my T-cell count continuing to raise everyday, the side effects are truly adversely affecting the quality of my day to day living.

Sorry about not keeping tabs on my activities in the past days... A lot has happened, I have put pen to paper... Some things I guess I am still ashamed of sharing... All I need do is puke it out and not keep it a secret and know that I am not perfect, nor making mistakes makes me a bad person!!! I must deflate my pride!!! Put it out there...

Just for today, I forgive myself and I will not beat up on myself... I have major issues with making the decision and choosing to be comfortable with my sexuality and what I like, desire and want... Sigh... My sponsor is sooo right...

So, what am I going to do about this recurring theme??? Pray... ask for help.... continue sharing... and work a little each day to move into action and getting into the solution... As my counselor from my recovery house shared: I will change, when whatever is not working is bothering me enough or affecting me to the point where it won't work anymore if I don't do something about it... Now the decision is up to me to nip it in the bud while it's still developing and festering... or will I let it get to a point where I will become desperate and move into action when it engulfs me!!!

As an addict, probably the latter, but I pray that I move closer to prevention rather putting out a fire...

Thankfully,

Quoc@quoclam.com

posted by Quoc @ 11:55 PM              E-mail me!