Quoc's Web Journal

TWO MEETINGS AND A SHOE SHINE

11:30 PM.  It's really late and I need to get to bed ASAP.  My ass is burning up cuz I did something really stupid for lunch.  I put a whole container full of dried crushed peppers onto the pizza I ordered.  I didn't think it would come back in a revenge sooo quickly!!!  Talk about blowing flames out of my *ss!  Sheesh!  Sorry, I know that was an overshare...

Anyway, how did my day go?  Well, I am really feeling the effects of wooziness and some sort of mental imbalance.  My body really did adjust to the level of antidepressants in my system.  I am getting these sudden shots of dizzy spells or goose bump spells every now and then and especially if I make any sudden moves or exert myself too much physically.  May these symptoms go away in a week!  It's scaring me.

I got a phone call from "J's" mother telling me that he didn't come home last night nor is he home yet.  Ah well...  I didn't get a call from my sponsee "H" either.  Also, today, my other sponsee got sentenced in court.  I don't know the outcome of that.  It's really been troubling my addicted mind...  I guess the TRUTH is that part which is the disease wants to join those guys and act out and use.  The TRUTH is there is a level of attraction that I have towards these guys, but alas, they are but a shell; cute on the outside and really tore up on the inside!  The TRUTH is that I really wouldn't mind having a willing sponsee that wants to be clean and sober and is willing to go to any lengths!

I went to 2 meetings tonight.  I really WANTED to get out of my funk and WANTED to listen to someone who has sobriety share the solution, their solution with me.  In doing that and in sharing at the latter meeting at the Van Ness Recovery House, I got an answer that brought serenity to my mind and peace to my body...  Here is what I heard from my Higher Power...

"Quoc, let go and let ME be in charge and take care of you and those that are moving along the path of life.  Trust that I want you sober Quoc; trust that I want those around you sober too.  Here is the difference.  You, Quoc are sober, not only because I want you to be sober, but YOU WANT TO BE SOBER TOO!  I want those other people to be sober too, but in this given moment, THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE SOBER.  They are not fully convinced that the path they lead that is not CONGRUENT with MY way and therefore, still has a way to go.  Trust that I will take care of them and show them what they need to experience to find clarity and surrender to ME.  Quoc, I am THE POWERFUL one, I effect consequences, you are responsible for the footwork.  You've trusted your life and your will over to ME and have been blessed thusfar with 14+ months of sobriety, one day at a time... Now, trust that I will do the same for these people you pray for.  There is a solution...  There is always a solution.  Sometimes it is death before they stop drinking and using, the ultimate solution of never picking up or drinking...  They have the will and can make that choice."

"Yes, I know you have a lot of love to give, so today, I have opened your willing eyes to see that there are people around you that you may share your love; act out and love those people that are STAYING clean and sober just for today...  For those who are out there, still love them, hold onto that love for when they have decided to finally come back to the rooms convinced that they are alcoholics."

"TRUST"

Wow... That is what I heard at the conclusion of tonights meeting.  I give thanks for that message.... I shine my shoes and will show up for those who are part of the passing parade... Some will be passing in a coffin... This is one of the realities of the disease.  I just don't have to be a participant in the parade...

Today, I give thanks for the message.

Quoc@quoclam.com

 

posted by Quoc @ 11:30 PM              E-mail me!