Quoc's Web Journal

I DON'T WANT TO BE LEFT BEHIND...

So, here are the highlights for the day... I took the last 1/2 of my happy pill!!! That is it... Tomorrow, it's just my HIV meds... It's still 3 + 1 twice a day! So, that is exciting! I started on them since February/May of 2003. Yep, before I even came into sobriety! Sheesh! I was seeing Dr. "G" (Psychiatrist) at Harbor UCLA. The day was hot... I got a lot of work done. I am very thankful for that! What else? I am not accustomed to the change in pace from insanity and chaos to just a lull of the everyday mundane office activities! Lots of troubleshooting. Again, there is a big task ahead of me. I look forward to the work that I still get to contribute to the Department. Then, I went to Rite Aid and spent $20.00 for a razor and extra cartridges for my sponsee... That crazy ass! LOL... He's trying... I love him... He really means well... I was there at one point. I can't do anything less but pray for him and love him and be supportive of him. He is a splitting image of who I was and in some aspects who I still am!

What kind of stuff did I hear? That he is slothful (lazy). That he has been late to group. That he doesn't do his journals. That he isn't sharing with me. I heard all this from his house counselor. Oops... How embarrassing for him. The great thing that my sponsor said really well... There is no affecting me because, when I leave the house, I don't carry the problem with me. He still gets to keep it.

My sponsor also shared with me that trying is not "doing." Trying only says that I already have doubts about succeeding. So, do is what I need to do.

I had yet another good session with my therapist. I was just sharing about stuff... I think we were both shooting in the dark trying to figure out where the other person was headed or trying to get to! LOL. Either way, the very thing that my therapist was trying to link led to something by the end of the session that came out of nowhere really... BULL EYE!!!

I said that I don't wanna fall behind... I don't wanna be left behind. I don't want to be the last one standing.. Alone... Unloved... Unwanted... Undesired... Unnecessary... I broke into tears. I also shared another comment at the conclusion of our talk when I praised him for hitting a soft spot and drawing tears from me. I told him that he's getting better!!! I meant that jokingly... I then said something that my therapist remarked as powerful. That I hope in the future that I can say the same thing about myself that I shared with him: that I am getting better.

So, I don't know where tonight's conversation really went. I was talking about my fear of possibly being unintentionally disengenious. I don't think that I am, but I wanna keep my therapist aware that I may be subconsciously doing these things to self sabotage! I am again forgetting to just do my part as a client and let him do his job as a therapist and leave the consequences and the results up to God's job.

It's late and I am tired... I have more to share, but I will dispense with it another day... I am full....

Quoc@quoclam.com

posted by Quoc @ 10:59 PM              E-mail me!