Quoc's Web Journal

SCARED INWARD...

Hey all... It's 11:32 pm... I finally get tomorrow off as my Holiday! Yayee... I am planning on getting a haircut... I am planning on going to my Dr. and Psychiatrist appointments for follow-ups... Maybe the psych will take me off my meds! I am very very tired... The meeting tonight was good... The speaker wasn't all that, but the shares by other people really had me jiving... Just hearing about what is going on in other people's lives... Getting out of myself... hearing about how they are managing to stay clean and sober just one day at a time!

On the way over to the meeting, I ran into someone who had just left the recovery house. I stayed with him and chatted and listened and sat with him. I offered some sugestions, but he still wanted to do things his way... Lack of willingness... All I can do is just keep myself sober and watch the passing parade... My "S", "D", and "J"??? Then on the way home from the meeting, I ran into a couple of my former recovery housemates... They shared a horrific story of what went on with a couple of long-time residents just about ready to graduate... Ending up leaving the house... Oh my gosh!!! "G" and "Mc"...

Walking from work over to the meeting, I called my counselor from my former recovery house and broke down and cried... I shared with him about where I am with my life and how I am scared about relapsing and where I am with my stepwork... He told me it's ok and that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and that I am feeling this way because I've opened pandoras box! Now, I just have to continue and work through it... I also shared about how I've been acting out and how I haven't been doing things that have been very healthy for me. I needed to hear from my former counselor that everything is going ot be ok... Ya know what he said? "Everything is going to be ok." I love my former counselor.

Just prior to that, my sponsor gave me directions to tell the next guy that comes onto me and rubs up against me that "I am not interested" or "No thank you." My sponsor told me to read there is a solution in the big book a couple days ago. I willingly did that! I am willing at least... I am very hard myself... My sponsor reminds me to be gentle with myself. I am very very blessed to have a sponsor who gives a damn about me... I still feel like I am a waste of time and dunno why my sponsor bothers sometimes with me, cuz I feel like I keep making the same mistakes over and over... And that he's gonna get fed up one day and go MAN, you will never change no matter how many times I tell you something and that I need to get another sponsor!!! EEEK... Instead, he loves me... He's gentle with me. He explains what's going on with me....

I give thanks for that... I give thanks for my sponsee asking me to sponsor him tonight.. His name = "H" Hopefully he'll stick around... In talking with one of my old friends but constantly new in recovery "A" I shared with her that I can't keep anyone sober. All I can do is just share my experience strength and hope and just be an example and need not be anything else but myself... Just tell it like it is... Be honest...

Sigh... It's sad to see sooo many people go out and just drop like flies and be injured and lives and spirits drain from them... I continue to stay willing and do the best I can in working the steps... WORKING THE STEPS... ACTION!!!

Thankfully,

Quoc@quoclam.com

PS - I went to visit Keithcam.com only to find that his site has been closed for good... I am totally heart broken!!! Will I ever get to meet him? I am sooo saddened!!!

posted by Quoc @ 11:34 PM              E-mail me!