Quoc's Web Journal

SNAPSHOT OF MY WEEK(END) (Parental Guidance Suggested)

So...  I was going to set up my room.  My old roomates "C" & "J" came by to visit with me today!  That was sooo very nice.  How'd my day start?  Waking up all feeling groggy and tired from the icky weather and possibly from going to sleep so darn late last night from watching SouthPark the Movie, the uncut longer and whatever one... Anyway...  My roomy woke me up to ask if I wanted to go with him to the car wash to get his car oil changed and the car washed.  I'd promised to do it with him the day before and wasn't able to keep my commitment, so I had to right the wrong.  I went...  It was good to get out of the house.  We shopped at the Thrift store and got some clothes for practically for free.  I love the guy that I shop from at the thrift store.  Then my roomy took me to the Van Ness House where I dropped off deodorant, highlighters and pens.  Being of service to those who are willing to go to any lengths to stay clean and sober!  Yayee!!!  They really keep me clean and sober...  Things to be thankful for.
 
Then I went home to greet my old roomies; they brought a collapsable desk for me!  Yayee!  Bless their generous hearts.  I showed them around my sober living.  I really adore "J"; it meant so much when he reached over and held my hand or was willing to touch me.  I feel like I have scurvy or sometime with all the wreckage and craziness that I brought them through in my using days!  They did nothing but continue to support and love me!  That is what I is called being in God's grace despite imperfect self!
 
We got a chance to talk about what happened during my past and what is happening now with our lives.  They have a new home; they have a couple fish named "Thing One" and "Thing Twoey" (there is a story behind this second fish! LOL); a dog; a cat; and each other!  Life seems to be going well for them personal and professional!  I will keep thanking my HP for continuing to bless their lives as IT does for so many of those I care about: i.e. "N's" mother who is suffering from cancer, my wonderful loving Sponsee "H" who is crazy out there but managing to go to meetings and church and willing to try a path that is different from using or drinking, my other Sponsee "D" who is in jail and will be due in court to be sentenced in the 20th of July; my two friends a new comer "J" and old timer "B" who are celebrating birthday's on the 20th and the 21st; my family; my sober housemates.... ad infinitum.
 
Anyway, I was able to chat with them some about what kind of craziness happened during my bottom!  I heard some things about them hiding my car behind the driveway to make me feel better cuz I was paranoid and tweeking, or about the coming to pick me up from the gas station because I thought I was being chased after to be killed either by cops or by my using fairweathered friend "B."  Such insanity!  Wow...  I guess I was kind of in a blackout!  I got a really fresh reminder and flashback of what brought me into these rooms!  Them sharing how they had to make the difficult decision to ask me to move out in 2 weeks in a last ditch effort to save my life and allow me to hit bottom!
 
Wow!  What a visit! I have scheduled a dinner visit with the fellas in a couple weeks.  I look forward to that.  The rest of the day was spent basically sleeping from whenever to 5 or so.  I was feeling nauseaus from my meds probably.  My cold is not helping.  The humid warm weather certainly is not helping.  I got to hang out with my housemate bud "F" and go out for Ice Cream, walk around the 7th Street strip "pseudo fleemarket" and then to Food 4 Less.  That was very fun!  I really needed to get out of the house.  I got a really cool Geoffrey Beene jacket that I really don't need, but for $10 for a $150 jacket, that was great!!!  Anyway, I had a lot of fun hanging out with my sobering bud!  He really ran the streets and did some crazy stuff!  He shared a story about how he sold a car to someone; the car did not even belong to him!  LOL.  Wow!!!  He really knew how to wheel and deal around these crazy people on the streets.  All the sellers were clearly addicts and their distributors were the homeless people from the streets all tweeked out or cracked out and selling all their worldly possessions... I mean everything in a trashbag or a shopping cart full of clothes and other valuables for about $10-$20.  Wow!!!  Such insanity!!!
 
I had to make amends to friend "M" that I totally dissed and made a commitment to go out with him to the movies.  Ooops!  So, the mistake has been made.... Now what am I gonna do about it.  I moved into action and apologized and promised to right whatever was wronged.  That has been the day.  The rest of the evening I spent calling people in the fellowship.  I had missed at least 6 phone calls during the time that I took the nap!  I got at least 3-4 "I LOVE YOU's" from people on the messages!  I believe they really mean it!!! 
 
My roomate is asleep right now at 9 PM or so!  Sooo early and my room isn't even set up yet!  Argh!!!
 
Anyway, what about the past week?  It was long from Monday through Friday...  I took Wednesday off because I needed a personal day to recuperate.  I ended up finishing reading the book "Rainmaker" also by Grisham.  I am starting on King of Torts and also The Brethren (loaned by my supervisor "K").  Friday I ended up hooking with some guy from the phone lines.  We rented a motel in Hollywood and I had safe sex with him.  It wasn't very comfortable because I really was not attracted to him and number two, I wasn't in a setting where a porn was playing or where I was high... I was not really connecting with this person beyond just physical and apparently, in sobriety now, I am unable to perform with just those variables!  I need more to be able to find pleasurable intimacy.
 
He left, I stayed in the motel.  I called my sponsor and a couple friends.  I went out and took the #4 on Santa Monica going east then west getting my bearings and finally eating at a Carl's Junior.  I returned back home to wait for my friend "D" to visit me at the motel.  I had decided to stay the night at the motel, since it was a queen sized bed and also cuz it was air conditioned!!!  My friend came over and wanted to play.  It was around midnight by now and I had already turned in.  I did read some of my book, but didn't even touch my 4th step!  He wanted to play, I didn't want to play "with him." 
 
My mouth opened and I suggested we go to a sex club.  So we went!!!  It was sooo scary for me to go in and pay and all that stuff...  There was sooo much shame from being there and acknowledged as frequenting a place like that.  I paid and went in.  I was sooo nervous!!  There were soooo many good lookers there!!  I mean VERY GOOD LOOKING PEOPLE THERE!  I went and barricaded myself in a stall with hopes that someone would just bj me through a hole.  It finally happened and the guy turned out to be really hot!  Funny thing is the connection I made with him.  I was making out with him through a gloryhole!  Holy Mother of God!  Anyway, we chatted for a bit after getting each other off (my second time in the evening).  Then I walked around some more and saw a good looking asian/latino that was just sitting there shirtless.  I saw another white guy that was incredibly model beautiful get down on his knees and begin to service the asian/latino.  I was able to sit right there and enjoy the sights.  I even had the audacity to touch the white guy!  He was beautiful!  This went on for a while and attracted quite a crowd!  Wow.  Anyway, the white guy ended taking his pants off and got boinked bareback by the asian until the white guy came.  I don't think the asian/latino came.  I learned a lot about myself as a result of this experience.
 
My friend and I finally were done and he took me back to the motel and he went home.  I proceeded to j/o 3-4 times to climax in the course of the evening to fantasies of what I had just visually witnessed.  I definitely am interested in sharing this with my therapist come Tuesday!!!  I want to further explore the nuances of what all was going on!
 
Here is what I got from the evening escapades experience:
 
1) That I had a flashback to my first experience with a beautiful man and the activities that went on.  He was submissive, he wanted me aggressive, he pampered me and did not expect reciprocation.  I realize I have been trying to recapture this experience throughout my gay days, recapture this incredible high...  I was sober and fairly new to the whole gay scene.
 
2) That I was uncomfortable with the idea of those men barebacking not knowing each other's status and possibly risking a life changing experience all because of one sexual session!
 
3) Being very conscious about what was safe during the gloryhole scene.
 
4) Having thoughts of using, but not acting out on it and really enjoying the sober session; thus, greatly reinforcing my experiencing having pleasurable sober sex vs. sex while under the influence of a mind altering substance. 
 
5) Yes, there is good bj's to be had!!!  Better worded, bjs that are compatible with my own likings are really there!
 
***6) That I would not have been able to perform should I have been the asian/latino guy receiving that incredible pleasure from the submissive masculine and hot white guy!  Why?  Not because the opposing parties did not find me attractive because their actions already communicated that there was an attraction, but I would not have been able to perform because I would've been all concerned about acting/performing in a manner that I perceived would be what they expected me to do.  I would not have been enjoying the session and just be comfortable with the idea of whatever is going to happen is going to happen and if the other party wasn't attracted to me, then the event would stop progressing if it didn't happen, and to just enjoy what was happening... Instead... I would be all concerned about trying to meet the other's expectations which by the way I am assuming and reading their mind.  This would defocus me from just enjoying myself and become all self - conscious and defocused from the moment...  Not staying in the moment... Not being comfortable in my own skin!  It's not about anyone else...  It is all happening internally!!!  Wow...
 
I am not comfortable with my body, what I like, or what feels good for me and honoring that and acknowledging when there is an incompatibility as just a difference in what each party likes, vs. my perception that there is something wrong with me if they didn't like what was happening between the two of us.  Different, not bad or wrong... Different...
 
I grow from this just a little more and give thanks that I have still more progress to make in continuing to love myself and love myself more with each passing day!  Honoring myself, being ok with saying YES TO MYSELF by saying NO to other people!  It's ok!!!  Don't assume or read minds that they won't like me.  If they do, that is on them.  I did not mean it to be mean or I didn't like the opposing party. I meant to say it to take care of me; that is it.  If they take it any other way, then that is on them.  I will not expect perfection overnight.  I just made progress from being able to experience what happened SOBER!  I grew a little more by knowing more about what makes me tick and what about my homosexuality or identity that is not fully explored.
 
Phew... break... Saturday... I slept in, checked out... made an attempt to visit my sponsee at Men's Central Jail in Los Angeles.  It's a 3 hour wait in blistering heat.  I opted out.  I went to the support group at my hold recovery house.  Then hung out with my best sober friend "M" to Hollywood and Highland... We had Coldstone ice cream, watched IROBOT, had Starbucks, walked around Amoeba records, then went home... A full day!  I really felt the effects Sunday - thus my feelings of fatigue.  My compromised immune system requires rest!!! 
 
So, I am ok... Life is good.. I give thanks!!!  I am truly blessed... Through all this, I have been able to maintain a balance of meetings, personal time, and being of service.  All of it while maintaining sobriety!!! Yayee!!!  That is a success!!!
 
That is about it.... This is by far one of the longest entries, but I really grew a lot... I give thanks and look forward to more experiences in the future to come.. One day at a time...
 
Thankfully,
 
Quoc@quoclam.com
 
 

posted by Quoc @ 9:09 PM              E-mail me!