FEELING GUILTY IN THE MORNING
So, here my head is feeling guilty! Time is 11:20 AM. I woke up about an hour ago for the 2nd or 3rd time... This last time felt horrible because I had a dream about the day after today's pride festival march in Long Beach. I had intentionally slept in and not set my alarm so I would miss the train down to the parade. Sigh... Here is where the 10th step comes into play... I should've been honest from the very beginning and just said that I did not want to go and march in the parade; instead I couldn't say no because everyone else was going too! I really wanted to just bum around the house and get a haircut or go and get a cake from my sponsor at another sober meeting... Instead, here I am having none of the 3 accomplished because I am mulling over feeling bad about first not going to the pride festival, because I would probably meet a whole bunch of cool people, network, let alone just have a great time... Again, what I want in this case certainly is not what I need! So, thus the funky feeling; the other part of feeling funky is just not saying how I feel and taking contrary action with how I am feeling and wanting to do!So, what am I going to do about it. I am gonna finish my breakfast and move ahead with the plan of the rest of the day and take care of personal business as I had intended from the beginning.. I have laundry to do, bills to pay, haircut to get as well as a cake to pick up from a meeting tonight! I still have make up unpacking to do! The room needs to be mopped... There is plenty to do... This is how I can make up for just bumming around for the rest of the day...
What my head wants to tell me to do is to crawl into bed and just sleep the whole day away so I'd feel super guilty about wasting a whole day and leaving unfinished business, get even more guilty feelings and continue this cycle of self guilt. I overdrew on my bank account a couple days ago, I found out cuz I made the deposit of the remainder of my graduation check and the total balance turned out to be less than the amount of the check! DARN! The other thing I feel bad about doing is commiting to meeting with someone I am considering renting a room to and not following through with it, or saying yes when I was really cutting the schedule a little close and had a feeling I wouldn't come through with it...
So, part of being responsible and maintaining my spiritual and conscious health is to first and foremost keep my commitments and be honest about the response when I cannot commit to something. The other factor is not to wallow in the problem when the problem has been commited.. Now is the time to move into solution by making amends to the situation by whatever means necessary and the 2nd part is to stay in the moment and let go of labeling myself as a f*ck-up and a mistake, when I just made a mistake... OH YEAH, I AM HUMAN AFTER ALL! Progress, not perfection... and indeed, "I AM NOT A SAINT" nor can I ever expect to be! I am human! To human is to err! To err is ok!
So, I commit to making right the wrongs I have made for the day and just enjoy the rest of the day by pulling my room back together again and again commit to maintain a healthy environment outside and around me as well as within my embodiment!
I will take the punches as they come! I will be honest! I will accept the consequences for my actions. I will not judge or label myself negatively! I will love myself. I will forgive myself. I will give thanks for an opportunity to move forth and redeem whatever wrong has been commited. One mistake does not condemn me forever. Others may have that perception or make that decision, but I do not have to so on behalf of them! I know the potential I have within me. I will continue to strive and draw from that internal spirit!
Here is to the rest of the day!
Quoc
posted by Quoc @ 11:19 AM E-mail me!
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