Quoc's Web Journal

Evening folks!

Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile... I have been in quite a funk lately! Thankfully, I have been able to maintain my sobriety, get to work, get to a meeting and coming home to a safe bed with a full belly and just a healthy mind and body! I am turning 1 next wednesday! That makes it about a week that I turn 1 in sobriety! I am trying really hard to stay in the moment, but hel it is not easy not projecting and just doing what is in front of me. I have this really bad feeling that I am not gonna make it to the year mark. I know it is a disease of perception and that my addiction wants me to think that things are not working and that I am not gonna make it one day at a time; one minute at a time, and even one breath at a time. I went to an alumni meeting with my first recovery house. The first counselor "K" was there. I first was afraid of her, but I had an epiphany... I was thinking about her harsh words! They weren't directed at me; they were directed at the addiction, the unwilling mind, the part that was just stubborn and not wanting to do what it takes to stay sober and live life on life's term. All of a sudden, I felt a whole new respect for "K." Right on! I wish I could've shared that with "K" while she was there. I didn't get a chance because so many people wanted to share at the meeting and I may be speaking at next Wednesday's meeting anyway. I know now that my perception is that the program is hard and harsh and the counselor's the same way, but who is it directed at? It's because they care and love me that they would go and attack that part of me that resides within me and want to destroy me. That is what they are attacking! Wow! What a great thought to go to sleep to.

I was able to be of service and comfort someone who was having a hard time! Boy do I remember those days. I acted very cautiously because I did not want to people please. I also did not want to come off indifferent and insensitive. I acted the way I would've been wanted to be treated if I were in the person's shoes... Just comforted, but not treated like I was a pity party!

I told my co-worker that I was HIV yesterday! Boy did that scare me; my head played all kinds of games telling me that I was gonna lose him not only as a friend, but any sort of a candidate to go out. I really like him... I do. I am not sure if the feelings are reciprocated. I just really like the rapport I have with him at work! I really like his personality and his little quirky side. I think he is totally sexy being tall, thin and dorky looking... Anyway, I am not going to put any kind of expectations, just do my part and be as honest as possible and just leave it in God's hands... Whatever will happen will happen.

I am able to say no when I am not comfortable with it. I am not perfect at doing it, but boy am I getting better with every day! Yayee!!! I am very proud of myself!

Ok, folks... I am turning in.. I know I am babbling... I am just in a much better mood now that I was at the meeting and I had a great day at work, I made my supervisor laugh and smile and just not have too many hitches happen to me, except whatever occurs in my head!!! Dangerous place my head it...

But like my Couselor "J" says, the longest road traveled for the alcoholic or addict is the 18 inches from the head to the heart! I miss my Counselor dearly! I am thankful for those who have rallied and supported me while I am in this very precarious party of my sobriety and life.

All I need do is make a choice to feed and rent space to my disease and let it tell me I am f*cked up or say it's just my head telling me lies and work through the funk, the fear and the crap and all of a sudden; that too will have passed...

G'nite folks! If no one has said it to you, I LOVE YOU! I AM PROUD OF YOU! I FORGIVE YOU! THANK YOU!

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 11:08 PM              E-mail me!