Quoc's Web Journal

KEY WORD: 10TH STEP!!!

Hey all... I just got in about 20 minutes ago from this years sobriety convention. There is yet another evening and Memorial day holiday before it's over. How feel I? Tired. I must do a 10th step today from the past day's activities.

What did/am I do(ing) for myself? Not judge myself as a mistake from the mistakes made in the past day. I treated myself to some fruit (pineapple and orange). Came home promptly to get my HIV meds before I head out to Chinatown and have some good ol' chinese food to go with my meds! It seems to sit better than that American food! I did make attempts to share about wanting to sleep with the guy I spent the night with. I shared with my sponsor. I went to a 7:30 AM morning meeting at the convention. I went to a workshop discussing steps 8 & 9 in the program.

Again, I wonder if my choice of words is not discrete enough to where I am breeching traditions for the fellowship. I will call and ask the suggestion of my confidante "J."

So, what all happened? Yesterday being Saturday was spent heading over to chinatown for a haircut and then a rendezvous with Mom for a brunch with her friends Hoi Yee, Geen Yee, and Auntie Phat. I started breaking out in a sweat and started getting nauseas again. I went back to my sober living rather than spend time at Mom's. I then rested til it was time to ready self for the evening meeting at the convention as well as the dance. I left by 6 PM only to not know my way the rest of the way up to the location of the convention. I ended up going to a meeting in Hollywood and catching a ride with members of the fellowship to the dance. The great thing is that I did not trip! I just trusted that whatever was to happen and happened or where ever I was to be or had been was meant to be! I trusted!!! I moved in faith! Yayee!!

I didn't really dance first because I wasn't really down with the music. I visited with some people; ogled at some hotties!!! Then guess what I did? I ended up cutting my evening at the dance short by going upstairs with someone I wasn't attracted to so I could stay the night in a Hotel room. Again, I know better than to assume that anything comes for free! The reason why there was the offer for me to stay the evening at the hotel was because the guy wanted to jump my bones... For some reason, I gave the guy the benefit of the doubt and trusted that I would be assertive enough to set boundaries. I should've done that prior to going up to the hotel with him! Lesson learned.

So, I get up there hoping to get some rest? NOT!!! We end up doing stuff. I had fun and all, but my mind was not on him... I really felt like I was settling. I was uncomfortable at the fact that this guy just really wanted me cuz I was "cute." I want someone to appreciate me more than just cute and I guess if I am gonna have a fling, then I could've picked someone that I was really attracted to! So that was not very self caring and not very honest to the other person; eventhough I think he got what he wanted. I was honest from the get go about my HIV status. I was not comfortable with going all the way and we didn't. We just did stuff between 2nd and 3rd base. That was enough! I was gurgly in the tummy anyway. I just felt obligated to doing stuff with the fun. I enjoyed some of it mark that. This is but the 2nd time I've been sexual with another person since I've come into sobriety. So yeah, my body craves and aches for the physical affection and attention paid by another party. But the compatibility index was not a perfect 10... It was more like a 5 or 4. Sigh... Suffice it to say that my right nipple is raw and sensitive cuz I didn't tell him that I liked it gentle and he was a bit more aggressive than I cared for! YOW!!!

Sorry, I know I am getting a bit more graphic than people could care to know, but hell, I am trying something new by being totally honest until something happens and I get burned then walk with more caution... So, heck man.... do gay sober men know how to give good head??? Holy Mother of God!!! Or is it me having a very sensitive body that can't handle nipping, biting, gnawing or chewing of my body parts? For me; FOR ME; my body parts just do not react well with friction and abrasion to hard surfaces like the enamel of teeth! Can someone just bathe me in the soft, velvety and warm insides of whatever the orifice is? LOL Okay kids... I will stop!!!

So, here comes the 10th step which is a mini 4th step... What is my part in it for this specific incident? Not being assertive enough first and foremost about saying that in accepting his offer that I was there to just sleep in the OTHER bed of the room. That I am not here for business other than sobriety (well at least with him.. just being honest). Then number two my part in the lack of satisfaction on the experience was my not sharing with him what I liked or didn't like prior to the act. I didn't get an opportunity to explore what he liked either... For a born again virgin here, spontaneity can lead to disaster and self conscious feelings of being inadequate. Number three not being assertive enough to tell him that I didn't like skin to skin contact with another person initially when I am falling asleep... I just can't sleep with another persons sweaty body sticking to mine!

Again, the above is only for this one occasion. Assertive and self care and loving myself enough to be honest with the other person what is good for me is KEY! I ended up not getting much of any sleep all night long... It was either his heavy breathing or one or more of his limbs stuck to me that just kept me smothered and unable to sleep! I would think that my constant squirming and readjusting positions would give him a clue... Oh yeah, did I mention that I got up to pee about 3 times throughout the evening hoping for an opportunity that he would not reingage in cuddling (smothering) with me?

Anyway, I know everything I shared in the above is not the most polite, diplomatic and fair, but man I am running on about a total of 2 hours worth of quality sleep! Argh... I am grumpy...

Ok, I am gonna shower, brush, go to chinatown for food, then my meds and back home to take a nap before my evening swaure back at the convention center....

Peace out,

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 11:41 AM              E-mail me!