Quoc's Web Journal

FEELING LIKE A SLOB!!

It's 11:37 PM. I just got home from the sober convention. I am thankful to be able to come back this 2nd time around and be present for the surrounding activities! What fun! I cannot divulge much else in respecting the sober traditions.

How am I today? Well, right now, I feel really sh*tty! I left my room earlier this evening in shambles! My bed was not made, my laundry was piled high on my chair, paper is strewn on the floor; suffice it to say, I am like the antipathy of my clean and military trained roomie! I just walk into the room with my bed all made up, my dirty dirty laundry all washed and folded in neat little piles on my quaffed bed. Papers have been stacked neatly. Boy am I embarrassed! He either did it cuz he couldn't stand the fact of looking at my side of the room or just cuz he's a nice guy and wanted to clean up his roomies messy side of the room! Either way, I feel very very embarrassed. What am I gonna do about it now? Be thankful, maintain the gift that was granted me, and continue to change for the better and not allow my side of the room get back to where it was just few hours ago!

What about the rest of my day? I woke up throughout the night feeling miserable from just having those loose bowels! I took the day off from work again. I got a stern reminder from my co-workers and supervisors to call them and let them know about my whereabouts before they call me. What really offended me is the source by which my supervisor is going to in contacting me. He is not on the list of people to contact me in case of an emergency; neither is he one of the people privileged in divulging information about how I am, where I am and what is going on with my life! That is not appreciated! I must set a boundary there as my sponsor so eloquently and SIMPLY put it! Just don't commmunicate such things with him anymore! Keep it professional! If he steps across such boundaries to let him know that it's NOT ACCEPTABLE!

I really wasted away my day by sleeping and reading my book all day long! I had some food and took my meds. I am feeling a little better but I am having a lot of problems with both gas pains and nausea and the fear of having an accident at any given moment! I am glad I had the commitment to meet with my sponsor to go to the convention! That got me up to shower, brush and dress up and leave for the outdoors! Again, there is much to do, but there is that part of me that wants to self sabatoge and not allow for productivity and success! It's that part of me that doesn't love me or allow for self care and self love! Answer is to continue doing stepwork and therapy and stay in ACTION and CHANGE!!! The other part is not to beat up on myself for the day's lack of productivity! The lesson is the fruit that is yielded from that. Take that and run with it!

What else? Oh, the newcomer I've been chatting with and trying to be supportive of and not scare away apparently is communicating with other people that my interpretation of sobriety is skewed! Thankfully I understand the concept of how another person doesn't necessarily hear what is being said! Or they hear what they want to hear and then interpret it their own way and then react to that! What was suggested to me by someone who has more time than me is to BE HONEST! Speak from MY OWN POINT OF VIEW! Don't be afraid to just share my opinion and how I feel about it so long as I qualify that it is my opinion! When I try to sugarcoat or not directly respond to a question or matter of discussion, such messages get misconstrued. I understand that maybe even if I were direct, that the message may have been misconstrued... The trick is to do like my friend "J" does. Am I gonna rent emotional space to that individual and let another person affect me by their opinions! I know what I mean. I know what I stand for. All I need is self validation! I am not there yet, but I am certainly working on it!

I am thankful for today's lessons. I am a bit frustrated and discombobulated by the day's ongoings but as my sponsor says, "I am frustrated and whatever I feel because I choose to be that way." It is a matter of choosing!!!

Things are very simple.... I am a very complicated addict! Ok, surrender that and give thanks for progress and not being self-defeating for mistakes made!

Thankful to be clean and sober one more day...

Quoc

PS - My wish is for my mother to let me know that she is proud of me... My wish is to live a healthy HIV positive livelihood. My wish for myself is to love myself and know that there is someone(s) out there who will love me in due time... I must be able to see myself as loveable first and foremost; and by myself!

posted by Quoc @ 11:36 PM              E-mail me!