TO ONE PERSON, YOU MAY BE THE WORLD
"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the
world." - Anonymous
Just thought I would share the above. I did write in my journal last night. All the computers were occupied last night so I wasn't able to go on-line and share my sentiments...
Basically, the message was about my therapy session! I would like to add to my gratitude list: the fact that I get a bus pass everyday!
Thankfully,
Quoc
I LOVE MY HOME GROUP MEETINGS!!!
Oh yeah! I got another great dose of sobriety and recovery from tonight's wonderful meeting! All the way from the speaker to people with amazing quality time just bouncing off one another with one great piece of experience that each one has to share... It truly lifted me to a whole different planar of appreciation!
So, it's late and I spent the evening chatting with my friend "A" who is trying to get clean and sober... My prayers are with her and everyone else. That actually took a chunk of my time away... I was just nice to come home from a day up early to have my blood drawn for a viral load and then work til 5:30 PM non-stop today! Then off to the meeting right away to do my commitment and be of service and fellowship! Here are some of the things I heard in the meeting that I absolutely love and will incorporate into my daily affirmations!
THE ELEVATOR IS OUT OF ORDER, TAKE THE STEPS.
THE MONKEY IS OFF MY BACK BUT THE CIRCUS IS STILL IN TOWN.
THIS PROGRAM WON'T WORK JUST BECAUSE PEOPLE NEED IT, NOR WANT IT; THEY HAVE TO "DO" IT! ACTION IS THE OPERATIVE TERM!
GOD-CONSCIOUS DOES NOT = SELF CONSCIOUS, UNCONSCIOUS, SEMI-CONSCIOUS, ETC... :-)
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A YOUNG ADDICT, BECAUSE WHEN WE COME INTO THE PROGRAM, WE'VE LIVED AND DIED A THOUSAND TIMES OVER.
INSTEAD OF I HAVE TO... CHANGE THE PHRASE TO "I GET TO"
These are just some of the things I heard that rang out loud and clear! I give thanks for the message from my Higher Power!
God works differently because he doesn't wear a watch...
God works slowly because he/she/it is so old...
Quoc@quoclam.com
PS - I pray for continued willingness to place my 4th step as the number one priority and working the steps and this recovery program as the number one priority over everything and be as hungry for these steps that will save my life!!! I surrender my will and resistance and ideas to resolve my problems with budget, relationships, work, finances, exercising, organizing, and keeping a timely schedule to my HIGHER POWER. It's in HEART TRUTH'S time, not my time... It's my Higher Powers way, not mine... Just get out of self, take the OTHER suggestion and apply it! If that doesn't work, then I can do it my way and be refunded everything at the door anyway!
OH NO... I HAVE BECOME ONE OF THEM!
Oh my gosh... I have gotten to a point this week that I have been exposed to sooo much of the program that I am talking PROGRAM LINGO! Argh!!! I have become one of them cliche, happy, joyous and free, and serene people with a sense of calmness with things that have been going on in the past few days! How is that?
How feel I? Well, working with my sponsee really springs a lot of questions! I have a lot of questions. I feel more like a mentor sharing my experiences and where I am... No, I don't have the answers. I don't dare to expect to have all the answers. I am just a bit upset at the fact that I don't have an answer that will possibly be the seed that will help my sponsee stay clean and sober when he needs that one tool that I neglected to answer the question for.
Number one is the line on page 449. I wasn't able to explain the line of Nothing in God's world happens by mistake. He shared some issues that I was able to relate to and asked if the above statement were true, why would God place him in the path of something that would harm him in such a manner? This is an answer I will have to ask my sponsor, or "J" with 15 years about! The other 2 questions I will have to reserve from divulging because it is private and confidential matters. I am thankful that these kinds of things are presented before me though.
What all happened today? I slept in til really late and got up with visit with another sober member who came by the house to visit with me. Then I went out and spent time with my sponsee from the VNRH. I took him out to lunch at a Thai Restaurant and shopping at a Thrift store. I only hope that I did not overload him with information. I did a whole lot of cliche talk verses sharing my experiences!!! I can't transmit something I don't have. If I haven't personally experienced it, then I should claim exactly that and suggest what I have heard. I am not responsible for anyone's sobriety. I am just a spiritual advisor is what my friend "B" says. I like that!
Anyway, I spent the evening at home. I read some of the Grisham book the Rainmaker. Then a friend came over and visited with me while I did laundry and avoided doing the 4th step! Argh!
Anyway, I feel ok... Tomorrow brings another day! I have had a wonderful weekend being of service and doing a whole lot of work in keeping my spiritual self strong! I just need to continue being patient and loving as I continue on with working my 4th step! To do it God's way and in God's time.
I have been getting people calling me everyday! That is because I have been more than willing to call others everyday! The karma comes back!!! Yayee!!! I am a bit confused about my role in other people's lives when they go through challenges. My friend "B" shared with me that I don't need to be around people that spit venom and I know is toxic to me. It's only when I know it will be of assistance to them and most importantly, will not injure or damage my spiritual and sober foundation.
Lastly, I just realized today that I have been dating a few people... Once here and there, but I have been doing it and have drawn the interest of other people! Wow! How cool is that?! I will continue working on myself and that relationship with loving myself and enjoying my practice with developing friendships with other people. I need only be honest and open about where I am... I want a relationship, but I am in no condition to be in one at this point and time! I want to continue just staying in the moment and trusting God and continue taking care of me...
I am not powerful over changing other people! I cannot change other people. They make the decision to change and act to change themselves! Trust in my Higher Power... Okay.. I am babbling.. It's time to do some stepwork and go beddy-bye!
Quoc@quoclam.com
FEELING MORE HAPPY JOYOUS AND FREE...
Hey all... It's Saturday evening, 11:20 PM. I have been sooo full of activities! What a blessing... I see people all around me with challenges... I certainly have my own, but I am able to move into action and do my part and then the more important part, LETTING THE RESULTS AND CONSEQUENCES GO TO GOD! I am not in charge... I am not in control! My Higher Power is!
My willingness to go to work, go to a meeting, commit to my meeting commitments, work with my sponsee, call my sponsor, call those people I have numbers for as support and as a part of my support group, do my 4th step, go out on dates, and spend time with my recovering friends from the house, be of service and listen to others share and be there for them (TAKES A DEEP BREATH); of of this has brought me to where I am!!! It's an amazing journey!!! My life is full and a good kind of full! I have activities that I may choose to go to! If one doesn't work out, another one pops up! Life is non-stop and that is not a bad thing... Boredom and a lack of movement leaves for the disease which resides in my mind to come lurking out and get attention and really mess with me... Currently, I have little to none of that "dangerous" down-time!
So, what's been going on since my incredible evening on Thursday with Powerfully Spiritual speaker "A"? I woke up on Friday to go to work in casual clothing! I was busy all the way through the day and ran out of time by the end of the day... I still had things to do and wanted to continue working! Now that is what I am talking about, really getting into the swing of things so that time flies by real quick!
Thereafter, I was invited over to dinner at a friends house. I haven't spent time with "C" since I met him when I first went into the Van Ness Recovery House. I took the bus over to "C's" home and enjoyed a very romantic candlelit dinner, with dessert and tea! "C" went the whole nine yards to pamper me and make sure I was taken care of! It was oh sooo romantic!!! I've never had a man go to such lengths to prepare a meal like this for me! Wow! The whole house was lit up in candlelight: the bathroom, the hallway, the livingroom with a lit fireplace, the breakfast nook and even the dining room. I mean the meal was incredible!!! Salad, Dr. Pepper in a carafe, freshly baked hot roles (with garlic butter base), an incredible entree of broiled chicken in an amazing rasberry sauce (with mushrooms and other goodies) poured on top! French vanilla ice cream with tea (milk and sugar)...
Then we sat a little and enjoyed the evening air out in the front enclosed yard. I got to meet mini pincher doggies Spike (Dad), Emmy (Mom), and Myrtle (daughter). They were adorable!!! Each with their own personalities and all fighting for love and attention. We retired into the livingroom for the dessert while listening to Bette Midler songs watching the fireplace glowing...
We then went into the TV room and watched Divine Secrets of the Ya-ya sisterhood. I wanted to watch Pirates of the Caribbean too, but after watching the first movie it was 11PM and I needed to go to bed... I really was getting tired. I had already showered and slipped into a very comfortable pair of shorts and shirt borrowed from "C." We made out during some of the movie... When the movie was over, I was ready for bed. "C" was not! LOL... Suffice it to say, we romped around for a bit of time in the early part of the evening. Wow! I loved the pampering attention I was receiving and I was willing to gracefully accept the gift and enjoy the exchange. I must say the physical affection was very very graciously appreciated!!! We were both brought to climax and then fell asleep!
He didn't cling to me which I am sooo grateful for, we actually slept throughout the night; apparently, I slept so well that I snored! Then in the morning he shared with me his eloguently written poems and short stories with me. Wow!!! They are impressive and touching works of art; reminders of Chicken Soup for the Soul kind of work... The writing made me laugh, think, sigh, and appreciate the full range of emotions and got the direct interpretation of what each metaphorical literature piece was about! What a privilege...
We then launched into a late morning romp session again... I was actually just pampered and a half! I found incredible euphoria from this man and his TLC (tender love and care). I did not feel any need what-so-ever for the use of any mind altering substances! He kept me completely immersed in pleasure!!! I... ahem... had a very wonderful projectile climax that totally pleasantly surprised me! I hadn't had something like that in ages!!! I mean from the base of my neck and down!!! Yayee!!! "C" really knows what he is doing.
So after a quick shower and throwing my clothes on, I departed about 12 noon after buying a couple dozen donuts from Krispy Kreme's for the HIV Support group that I was going to back at my old recovery house. "C" and I sat for a little spell and enjoyed a few of the donuts before I hopped onto the bus headed back towards home. I made it to the house about 12:50 PM. The support group went from 1-2:30 PM It was great! I am glad that I got a meeting out of that! The message I heard loud and clear from the speaker and the other shares? REMEMBER my bottom and what brought me into these rooms of recovery. The other one is that I "GET TO" take life saving meds and that I get to have another day clean and sober to learn about life and to make mistakes and progress from each experience without having to use or drink, one day at a time!
Then I was taken to my sober living home by my friend "A" (recent grad of the house) at 2:30 PM where I took my meds and changed into a fresh set of clothes and walked back to the recovery house to fellowship with my best friend in recovery "M." We hung out from 3 PM til 9 PM. What all did we do? We walked around Hollywood and Highland and then went to hit Harry Potter at Mann's Chinese Theater! I've never been there! What a fun treat that was for me! I never really took the time to hang out with someone and just walk around window shopping and trying different things out and chatting with one another and sharing our opinions of the hot guys passing around us and snacking on pretzel's and just havin' a ball...
Then I came home and spent the next 30-40 minutes calling people in sobriety to say hello... I have been able to stay in touch daily with my sponsee, sponsor (almost daily), and my friend "J" through all of this!
What an incredible couple of days aye??? And there is more to come tomorrow!!! Wahoo!!!
All my love and gratitude for my blessings today and the days before and the ones I pray to be blessed with in the time to come.
All my best,
Quoc@quoclam.com
"COMPLYING VERSES SURRENDERING"
Wow!!! I want what the speaker "A" has tonight!!! His message is powerful! I had the privilege of asking him to speak! He was talking the Big Book BIG TIME!!! I love it!!! He was sharing spirituality! He was sharing about being powerless means that I will pick up that pipe or that drink! I am powerless over my addiction! So, I have to find a power greater than that of that addiction... It's called G.O.D. A Higher Power of MY understanding! He shared sooo many great examples! It's really too bad he had only a limited amount of time to speak!!! I really want to hear more of him speak and when he has more time to speak!!! What a privilege! This guy has been going on circuit speaking in the past weeks! Why? Because he does carry a powerful message!!!
So, complying is doing what I need to do to avoid getting in trouble... Surrendering means giving up everything and listening to whatever is being suggested and taking those suggestions and applying them! It works if I work it... NOT, it works if I think it... NOT, it works if I feel it. I have to work it!!!
I loved his share about going to a run-down town, what kind of structures one would find standing: Churches and liquor stores! So, if I don't know that the liquor or mind-altering substance is the very thing that will throw me into oblivion, then that is the path that I am headed down. If I realize that alcoholism and addiction is one of the behavioral acts that I manifest genesis, then I will finally want sobriety, spirituality, and a different way of life!!!
As the Speaker so eloquently put it, he can't give me surrender. He won't give it to me because he won't deny me the journey! The moment when I walk over that threshold into serenity... Peace in my mind and love in my heart... I have to want the surrender...
I heard the guest speaker at our Counselor's meeting at work share about how realizing that I can make the choice to no longer live a certain way; that if I change and do something about whatever doesn't work, that I have the opportunity to make it happen... With either direction though, it doesn't work if I don't work it!
Anyway... I am sooo thankful for the speaker this evening share his message about the 12 steps... The most important part of the message that I missed last time was the part where he shared steps 1-3 shows me how to live with God; steps 4-7 shows me how to live with myself; steps 8 & 9 shows me how to live with others... Then there is step 10 again, how to live with God; step 11 how to live with myself; and step 12 how to live with others... THIS WAY I AM MADE WHOLE; BALANCED; AND IN HARMONY WITH MY SURROUNDINGS...
He shared about the 1,2,3 waltz and then going out afterward... That steps 4-9 are the meat of the program and steps 10, 11, 12 are the maintenance tools.
I spent about one hour working more on my 4th step... After realizing yesterday that I was almost done with the 4th step because I was done with the first 2 columns of my resentment part; I came to realize that there are multiple columns on the other categories of the 4th step. So, either way, the TRUTH is that I am currently IN the process and willing to continue on and move forth!!!
I am proud of myself! I got to work with my sponsee today... I love my sponsee... I love my friend "J" who is out of the hospital and coming back around to the program. I only hope he gets it this time around... All I can do is pray for him and everyone else as well as myself, continue to work the steps to stay clean and sober one day at a time so that I am present to be of service for others and also be present when another is offering their love to me.
Humbly and thankfully,
Quoc@quoclam.com
MY PRIMARY PURPOSE
Ok... Just got home about 6:45 PM. I am exhausted. What I just found out is that meatball sandwiches from Subways is a good choice with my meds! :-) Anyway, I am going to stick to my promise to put my 4th step first and foremost. I am going to shower and then work on my 4th step until the 7:30PM meeting.
Ok... That is it... I was able to help my friend "A" find out a meeting that she was going to by calling the friend that she met from that meeting! LOL. That gave me an opportunity to call a couple people in sobriety just like that! Cool!
Ok... enough babbling... Time to work the program cuz I am in the program.
Quoc
TODAY I CHOOSE THE LASTING SENSE OF FULFILLMENT
Good morning... Love the reading in this morning's meditation. It talks about the difference between the quick fix which will lead me empty and unsatisfied verses quieting the mind and listening to the heart, the HEART TRUTH, the Soul, and then responding to that message and find myself feeling a lasting sense of fulfillment and gratification.
Last night, I had a yet another heavy session with the Therapist. I know because again, I held the tears in during the session; I didn't really feel the need to cry, but walking out of the office and towards the elevator, I broke down and cried again. I called my sponsor as I usually do after the session at 9 PM. He reminded me of the good things that I did for myself: cleaned my room, went to a meeting, worked with my sponsee, called my sponsor, did a morning meditation, woke up by 7 and got to work early, started my 4th step again, and went to therapy. My sponsor directed me to do something that makes me feel good: so I went home and pleasured myself while reading a story about some kinky rest stop bathroom stall scene. I really needed that too! Thereafter, I turned in early about 10:15 PM. I really was wiped out! Sigh, I only got through barely 1/3 of the story before climaxing! Doh!!! So much for the lack of drugs to induce that 16 hour long libido aye?
What was last night's session about? My need to find an answer to things. I don't know if most of the babbling and sharing I did really pertained to HOW I FELT, WHAT WAS REALLY GOING ON WITH ME. Was I avoiding the issue? Was I sharing cryptically? I don't know. All I know is that there is a sense of ease in sharing with my Therapist and I do trust that he knows what he is doing and is guiding me in a direction that will be very enriching for introspective discovery. Today, I will have faith and trust in the PROCESS. I will accept the role of actor and not Director.
I give thanks for today, clean and sober... I pray and ask you to send your prayers over my way for willingness to continue on with doing my stepwork and waking up regularly and on time and showering and brushing daily and then integrating exercise on a daily basis into my life. I give thanks that I GET TO do these things today and I am not 6 feet under or in an insane asylum or in a jail cell or the penitentary.
Just for today,
Quoc@quoclam.com
EFFORTS TO FINISH THE 4TH STEP
So, here I am... I am waiting for my psychologist. It's about 1/2 an hour before the apppointment... For once I am early to the appointment. I am kinda working on my fourth step. It's really difficult because of the fact that I am all concerned about making the 4th step presentable... I have it stuck in my head that I cannot do anything organized and presentable and neat for the first time. It has to be a rough and messy first draft and then be followed up by the fix-its and then the creation of the final and presentable and easily understood document for my eyes and more importantly for others to read. How crazy that I need to clean my documents up so that I don't feel like I won't be able to understand what the document really means and make sense out of the thoughts and the things that I write down.. But that is the truth though. I have developed a habit of being messy the first time around that I automatically expect to create a new document.
So, this may be something else that I need to turn over to my Higher Power and ask for it to take away the habit of being multi-repetitive. I ask for my Higher Power to give me willingness to change slowly and patiently and self-lovingly as I continue to learn to live life on life's terms.
Ok.... Time is almost up.. I just want to take the time to acknowledge this very insightful piece of information. I give thanks for the gift.
Peach out,
Quoc
MY PRIMARY PURPOSE!!!
My priority for the rest of the night and until my Sponsor's deadline to do the 5th step is to work on my 4th step! So, that will be the most important thing that I will hold until I do my 5th step!!! Without sobriety, I will lose everything! I was brought in here by the grace of my Higher Power; my first and most important priority as a result of coming into the program is to WORK the steps! Not THINK the steps, or PLAN the steps, but WORK the steps: ACTION!!! I hear it loud and clear!!! I want to do it for myself and for the sake of my sponsees and the nice thing is I want to do it for myself! I really want to be free of all these burdens that weigh on me!!! Again, it's a simple thing to do! All else doesn't really matter if I don't take care of my sobriety first!!!
Ok.... Things will be much more curtailed for the rest of the week! There have been all kinds of exciting things happening like on Sunday, I was able to be of tremendous service to an addict who ended up in intensive care and just let him know that he is loved and also to accompany a mother of an addict who really didn't know what more to do for his son to save him. I also got to go visit with my family and just spend time with my Mom, Dad, and sisters.
Ok... NOW ON TO THE 4TH STEP!!
Pray for me... Wish me luck!
Quoc@quoclam.com
SLEPT ALL DAY SATURDAY
How feel I? Mixed feelings... One of guilt that I slept all day, I mean literally all day!!! I got up to go pee and eat and chat a little with a couple housemates, but otherwise, I slept!!! I did take care of some of the very basic daily duties like brush my teeth. I just showered; minutes ago. I am not sure if it's depression; plain ol' being lazy; or fatigue. Hmmm... I am tempted to go to the Hollywood Squares meeting tonight. What got my butt up? I got a phone call from "R", the one I have an attraction to! hehe... Just hearing his voice perked me up! He shared he was going to a meeting and was going to gay pride in LA tomorrow... All of a sudden I want to go march in the parade tomorrow!
So, I am gonna keep it short. I have some real burning goals that need to be attended to! I am thinking of going to a meeting tonight and coming home to attend to them. I really want to take care of these things that are burning on my list.
Another thing that is eating at me is that I have no income for this week! Nothing for food or anything! I have reallocated funds from all kinds of places to sustain myself! I really cannot wait until this Friday, when I get paid!!! I really need to learn to budget... I think I am doing an ok job with where I spend my money, so the other problem is I NEED MORE MONEY!!! C'est la vie...
Ok... I am jamming out... I need to make that decision directed by my sponsor to feel comfortable and ok with what I did: rested! Not feel guilt and shame for just relaxing and feel like I have been a lazy bum and a bad person and someone who is just self destructing... The only self destructing that is going on is right now feeling crappy about resting up for one day!
Ok... niters all!
Quoc@quoclam.com
FIRST VISIT WITH ONE OF MY SPONSEE'S
Gosh... I have a lot to go with regards to being a sponsor. My head tells me that I am nothing as a sponsor compared to how my sponsor is with me! I know it is all in my perception and that I am being of service and offering my sponsee some strength, hope and experience. I just do not want to do anything that will be detrimental to my sponsee! I do not want to enable, be manipulated, not be able to interpret what my sponsee is really saying when he shares!
I had a difficult time waking up this morning again... I dragged my lazy butt up and threw on casual clothing (TGIF!!) and headed to work. I got to work with time to buy an extreme carramba from the Coffee Bean. I even got a chance to chat with Eddie the coffee guru there! I worked my butt off at the office multi-tasking all over the place! I ended up working til past 6:30 PM because I really didn't have anything to do afterward. I could've gone to a meeting, but I really wanted to enjoy the evening with my friend "J" and be spontaneous. I did my part and set aside the time to hang out with him. He neither did call or show up... Ah well...
What did I end up doing? First calling the Recovery House where my Sponsee was staying and finding out if there was a meeting so I could visit with him. Then I called him to see what he was up to. I ended up walking over and visiting him since he was just up the street and around the corner! I visited with him from 7-8 PM. I learned some things ab
my e-mail is QUOC@QUOCLAM.COM
Someone in the house I am living at asked about my e-mail address. I didn't realize it doesn't say anywhere about what my e-mail is... So, here it is... You may e-mail me at QUOC@QUOCLAM.COM
All my love... Gonna keep it simple and short today... I am going to write in my personal journal tonight... Get those writing fingers exercising!
All my love,
Quoc@quoclam.com
OK I GET IT; IT'S NOT ANYONE'S FAULT
So, I get it a little bit more today... No I don't get it ALL! I get just a little more after tonights session with the therapist. What happened tonight? The moment I walked in I was asked why I apologized for being tardy. That is how it all started. I shared about feeling the importance of punctuality and the importance of feeling like I can be depended upon. Wow... What happened next? We fast backwarded to my childhood... These sessions have been amazing because of a good Therapist who knows what he's doing as well as a willing client who is willing to share and be guided.
So, back to the past... What did I share about? I shared about first my being in kindergarten and how I felt different trying to figure out what the word bug was and feeling really frustrated because I didn't have someone around to be a role model and a teacher to show me the ropes. Then came my elementary years with regards to feeling different as an asian, as not speaking english and just not being part of the american culture... To feel resentment about the fact that the rules in my household were different from that of my classmates. Of my going to Chinese school... Of my needing to help mom cut the vegetables. Of not being able to go over to friends houses over the weekend. Of being poor and not having new clothes... I went on a pity pot role! I shared about my feelings of resentment against my sister because she was willing to do things to take care of herself and here I am being the good little mama's boy sacrificing my own happiness to be a conformist.. to be a rule follower... to not be deviant.... That is such a bummer... I can totally hear the VNRH staff members totally slamming me for sharing in such fashion... I am looking back in retrospect of my share with Tom... Was I sharing cuz I wanted pity and sympathy from him? I didn't take the time to share about the good times and my moments of gratitude with my parents of my family and of being asian and blessed with the ambition and persistence because of my time of trials and challenges.
I did go on to share about my high school years and how those were. How I was a loner and a bookworm and did not want to pay money that was not mine to participate in extracurricular clubs and organizations within the school. How I was the perfect little boy again, and my resentments against my sister regarding taking care of herself again.
Again, there I am being the addict perhaps looking for sympathy... Sigh... Suffice it to say the lesson that I learned is that all those things that happened are not my fault. All the things that were imposed upon me were neither my parents fault. They were just circumstances that occurred... Unfortunate circumstances that yielded different reactions and different perceptions and how I grew up to the person I am... I only hope that I am being as genuine as possible because lying will really not get me anywhere.. There was more truth that came out in my share. I really have to realize that what I have to share in these sessions are for my own good!
I b*llsh*t around and I will only keep myself from a solution that will help me in the long run... Walk into that session with the intent of being completely honest with my feelings and stories... Forgive myself for moving into the mode of being a pity pot.... Hopefully my therapist will catch on to those moments when I am not honest and see a patttern. Hopefully I will catch it like I am not and realize that doing this will not do me any benefit and that I walk in with more experience from the last visit and catch myself on my moments of dishonesty! Yayeee.. That's progress just right there.
I must share that on the way home; waiting at the train station a tweeker sat next to me... He didn't too bad at all; as a matter of fact he looked pretty good. How did I know he was tweeking? He kept clicking his teeth and just basically knocking his upper teeth with his lower... I know those sounds because I used to do that... I still do that sometimes but certainly not as bad as what I used to do while I was tweekin'. Then upon walking home I would walk over an empty baggy; yeah one of those baggies that used to hold my crystal meth! I kept walking... My mind did linger on both those encounters and was definitely drawn to it... I am glad to be home... I am thankful to be clean and sober. I am blessed to have help in guiding me as well as my willingness to share to the BEST OF MY ABILITY. So long as I learn from the lesson, then the effort has not been wasted.
Today I give thanks... Thank you G.O.D.
Quoc
DIRECTION NOT TO LAUGH AT MYSELF...
I love my Sponsor!!! He really does clue in on things about me that I don't see for myself! He mentioned that I have to change the behavior of laughing at myself. He mentioned the fact that when I talked at lunch the other day at lunch with my sponsee and my sponsor that I mentioned that I was a top and laughed at myself because I wanted people to know that I knew how ridiculous the idea was. The thing is, I say it in all seriousness. My sponsor is right in telling me that I laugh because there is that part of me that goes to autopilot and has me doing things to belittle myself like laughing at myself. He also mentioned that the voice message that I left for him this past Friday about someone asking me to be his sponsor and again laughed in not only disbelief but also because there is a part of me that doesn't believe that I am worthy of such things... He went on to share with me that I am good looking and I am kind and I am sexy... Wow...
So... As a sponsee, my job is to take direction... I need help in this department because I really didn't know I was doing what I was doing until my sponsor pointed it out to me. I will need those that hang around me to help catch me on times when I am taking these self abusive and self-demeaning actions! I will certainly make efforts to do more of accepting the fact that I am handsome, kind, caring, loving, intelligent, and worthy of being loved and desired by another person. I am also deserving of proudly claiming and owning those things that make me feel good and those things that I feel are markers of who I am no matter how or what society stereotypes as "becoming of me." I am proud to be a versatile top!
The speaker at tonights meeting put it sooo well by sharing that he hoped that he did not saying anything to offend anyone, but if he did, he didn't really care! Wow! That is the second time I heard someone say that.. Actually 3rd time. First from my sponsor, then from my friend "J" and then tonights speaker... I know there have been many more occasions where I have heard this, but that is what stands out right at this given moment. This is something I certainly want and can claim just a little at a time, one day at a time! These men are comfortable enough about themselves where they don't need to say what the other person wants to hear, but to tell the other person the truth. Of course there will be times that honesty will not be the sweetest thing to hear... But isn't that what we all really want to hear anyway? The TRUTH? Also, I am hearing that it really doesn't matter what the other person thinks... Am I going to be with a consience that has shared in the most genuine and honest fashion? Do I go to bed knowing that the person that the world saw is the most genuine person that was being presented? If they don't like it... It's on them...
The above are very uncomfortable words for me to move into action... But as my therapist said, perhaps all I really need right now is willingness rather than action... Just being willing and surrendering and being at peace and do what is suggested at each given moment is enough...
I give thanks for today's lessons! It's been a busy day... There are more responsibilities being placed on my plate with each passing day! All I need do is give thanks for the ability to do the best that I have within me... That is enough!
All my love to myself... I feel good that a friend in sobriety I called told me that he thought I looked sexy the other night... Wow! I am flattered. I thanked him... He told me that I didn't need to thank him because he was just telling me the truth! Wow... "J" I think is an incredibly beautiful guy who just shared with me that I am a good looking guy.. Not just that, but I am sexy looking! Wow!!!
Thankfully,
Quoc
MAMMA MIA!!!
Mamma Mia, what a weekend!! Time is about 8:30 PM Sunday evening, June 13, 2004. I haven't logged in a few days because I have been out and about and busy with life! Wow! This is amazing! Life is full... So, what has been going on? I don't even remember when the last time I logged on was. What I do remember is being busy from Wednesay on through today! Wow! So, I will give you folks and myself a 15 minute blurb! My daily tenth step times 3-4 days. Thursday evening I was of service and did my secretary work at the meeting. It was a busy day. I am noticing myself having a much more difficult time with waking up in the morning. My hypochondriac head wants to tell me that I may have Hep from my encounter with that other person. I have been vaccinated, but that still doesn't take my head from thinking that my body didn't take on and build the immunity! Argh... Anyway... Thursday evening I went to sleep... And basically had a very mellow Friday... I really have been neglecting myself with shower and brushing because of just not feeling like it or not giving myself enough time to do those very self caring activities. I went to work on the crazy Friday! I went to lunch with my co-worker and friend "C" and her co-workers "E" and "J." It was pleasant. "C" treated me to a very inexpensive but deliciously prepared Thai lunch. I had a garlic and peppered beef plate with broccoli and steamed rice! YUM!!!! I was soooo filled up. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon working and got home by about 6-7 PM. Upon getting home I didn't have much plans except for hanging around the house. I had told my mom that I was coming over to visit with her in the evening, but I was responsible enough to call and inform her that I won't be available until Saturday. Oh yeah, by the day, I picked up another sponsee! Wow!!! I am really humbled and honored once again. My friend in my sober living reminded me that being a sponsor does not mean that I am responsible for keeping my sponsee clean and sober... I am just there to offer support and do God's work in delivering the message that one can stay clean and sober one day at a time!!! That I have a fat ego if I believe that I have sooo much power as to have a person's life in my hands... I don't. I am just a servant doing my part in being of service and also appreciating the fact that my sponsee is keeping me clean and sober! So, there, I was humbled and reminded by yet another sober member in the program! Yayee!!! Thanks "S!"
I spent the night with my friend "B." It was interesting and a learning experience with myself. My sponsor "D" says it perfectly when he tells me that improve a little more each day with going out with people that I like and want to and set more boundaries with what I like to do and don't. I did a pretty good job communicating with him where I was and was respected. There were a couple hitches that I really didn't know how to communicate. Suffice it to say, I am a stickler about being clean and sanitary and just bug free. I realize those are personal things that I like and different people have different degrees of what is clean and what is not! Anyway, I really do like "B" and his company. There are just some things that make the whole package unacceptable. I must be honest about communicating that!
Anyway, Saturday I spent the morning with "B" (I did spend the night with him). We had breakfast and went to buy tickets for the Hollywood Bowl. Thereafter, I took the train down to visit with my family in Bellflower. I basically ate and napped until I had to leave with my sister about 4:30 PM. We got to my sober living where I packed my clothes and stuff to spend the night back home in Bellflower. We jammed out and got to the Pantages theater by about 7:40 PM to wait for Mamma Mia to begin! Yeah that was sooo much fun!!! Judy really enjoyed it. I am sooo glad! The seating was not bad, but certainly not worth the $160.00 that I paid for the tickets! OUCH! Haha, for my family, I'd give them my worldly belongings!
Show got out by 10:00 PM We were on the train to the sober living to pick up my back pack and then made out trek back home to Bellflower on the train... Patience is a key element in public transportation! Because, we got home about 12:45 AM in the morning... I prayed and was answered that we'd make it home to the station where Mom was to pick us up before the last train ran. Phew! Got to sleep shortly after 1 AM
Woke up Sunday, and went back to sleep in the comforting confines of the home I've spent 24 years growing up in... It was nice.. Finally got up when Mom came home about 12:30 PM. Why was I reluctant to get up? Because dad was making all kinds of racket asking to bev suctioned and all... Sigh... I ate and went back to sleep again til 4:30 PM. That is when I finally got up and went to Target with Mom to buy some laundry detergent then back home for yet another filling meal of squash soup, sweet chinese links, and steamed rice! YUM!! Boy do I miss Mom's healthy home cooking!!! It's sooo good for my body! I feel sooo replenished and relaxed after my stay at Mom's.
I just got home moments ago and basically spent the past 30 minutes chatting with my housemate and trudging friend in sobriety "S", listening to him share about his wonderful weekend! I am sooo glad! Yayee... These are the blessings that come with sobriety. I give thanks...
Tonight I have much laundry to do and a lot of "to do" things that need to be addressed to fine tune and just make my life a bit more smooth and less bumpy! It's the action and not the plans that I make up to improve life... From action comes consequences!
Best of luck to me... I love you all and thank you for your support and prayers... Here is to another day clean and sober!
Cheers!
Quoc
A MID-DAY E-MAIL TO AN OLD FRIEND
Hey there Brenda,
How are you doing? I am taking a little break from my work schedule to say hello and just not think about work! It's darn busy!
I am feeling like a fool because there are sooo many different ways to communicate in a professional manner. I thought what I learned at the City of Bellflower and the University provided me with enough experience with knowing how to draft a professional letter. Apparently, my supervisor is having doubts that I know how to compose a letter in the least!
I definitely do not want my supervisor to have questions about being able to depend on me in completing projects and assignments. I realize that different supervisors and different businesses have their own interpretation of what is and what is NOT professional. I am trying not to feel bad, but man oh man, today having to revise a letter 4 times over petty little things that seem sooo very simple made me feel really bad about myself!
Anyway, just thought I'd take the time and vent a little... What d'ya know, break is over! Back to the grind...
Hope all continues to go well with you... I will check in with you at a later time! Until then, keep me in your prayers...
All my love and gratitude,
Quoc
PRIVILEGED TO SHARE MY STRENGTH, HOPE & EXPERIENCE
Almost 11 PM. I am gonna turn in at a decent time tonight... I had such a hard time staying awake at work! Work is just piling up!!! I am moving as efficiently as possible! Anyway, I am gonna keep tonight's blog short... I finished reading the Firm last night! Yayee!!! I am starting on The Rainmaker.
My Grand Sponsor asked my Sponsor to ask me to speak at a meeting! Wow! What a privilege... I wasn't nervous because I didn't allow myself to be nervous. I turned my body as a vessel for my Higher Power to speak through me. I just let go, surrendered and shared. It went over well! I feel good, the people not only spoke highly of me but backed it up with the details of what made my share encouraging and hopeful for them! Wow!!! These people got some time too! I am totally humbled and feel loved!!!
I missed seeing my sponsee tonight! Ah well... It's all good... Things are what it is! I am thankful for the opportunity to be of service. Now I need to be of self service and get some rest!
Have a great night all! I am thankful to be available to others and more than anything be available for me! I will listen to my therapist and trust that being present with "willingness" is good enough for me right now rather than push myself towards actoin action action! Just stay in the moment and be ok with being exactly where I am in this given moment.
Peace out.... I give thanks for another day alive, another day clean and sober.
Quoc
THERAPY WITH THE THERAPIST
Hmmm... I am curious about the meaning of the word therapy! I need to look it up. Tonight was my therapy night... I was looking forward to going because I had some things go on in my life that I was able to just let out into the open like not feeling like a good employee because the way I format my letters were not up to par with my supervisor's expectations. Anyway, the conversation between the therapist and myself really got deep about a very very common word that really causes someone like me to freeze: FEAR. Of all the things to be afraid of, my fear is of success. My therapist asked what would I get if I did move into action and worked through the steps... What would be the result? I said that I would be present for myself and love myself and not need a relationship with another person; I would be present for my family; I would be able to cope with life in a much more calm fashion... Things would be "different" my therapist said... I said things would be better... Again, Therapist reminded me what he said: DIFFERENT. My mind took it as I am in a place that is not better than where I could be if I were to work through the steps! We came to the conclusion that I have a fear of success; well, not necessarily of success, but of change... That I will be a different person... Change... Fear of change, even if it means for the better! It's this innate fear that I suppose is on me.... Hmmm...
Then we got to talking about my labeling self as not wanting to be a "leech to society." So, we're talking about why all this apathy with doing the 4th step... Therapist suggested that perhaps that I may confirm after doing the 4th step that I am inherently a maggot to society... A life sucking parasite; flawed. Not chance of redeeming self from being permanently branded... I know it is not true, but clearly, deep down inside me there is a part of me that fears the Truth may be just that! I shared with Therapist that he may have 51/50 me should that conclusion come into being.
Then we talked about spirituality... About the soul and about the core of me really being good and it is the disease which resides on the outside and currently yelling way louder than the calm voice of love and care and serenity and just wholesome goodness within me that is also communicating... It is just that much more difficult for me to hear that quieter voice right now... It means that I am doing the right thing and that my disease is getting really scared, desperate and more and more creative in finding ways to sabatoge!!!
So, the great thing that I gained from tonight is talking about the pros and cons of doing the fourth step and working through the steps... Knowing the difference between willingness vs. action. Therapist shared with me that perhaps right now that willingness is a good place for me to be verses needing to push it all the way to ACTION. Don't force it! Surrender.... Turn it over... Let it go... Stay in the moment... Easy does it...
I am sure that more comprehension will follow after an evenings rest... I shared at the same time that we ran out of time for our session that I was "full." Boy did I feel raw, exposed, vulnerable and sort of looking at myself in the mirror naked for the first time... It felt really scary...
I hope tomorrow brings a day where I can move towards willingness... Just willing... Just making the decision to be willing.
Peace out...
Quoc
INTO ACTION...
That is what my sponsor's direction to me was for today! Read into action and get into action! Time is about a quarter til midnight... I just got done fellowshiping with my friend and sober trudging buddy "D." Yayee!!! I was able to just spend a simple time just chatting with someone and not spend a lot of money while I am at it... Also, the exchange was as platonic as can be and really really enjoyable... I got to get out of the house and get things resolve... Share how I am feeling as well as listen to the opposing party share his challenges and highlights for the day.
Things to be thankful for! Anyway, what all happened today? I got the headache of feeling icky because I am more than $40 in the hole with my checking account and with a verbal commitment I made to someone who just left my first recovery house this past Friday and trying to get situated. Phew... I basically bit off more than I was able to chew with regards to what I was able to do in being of service to the other individual! I said ok to paying the opposing parties rent until he had the means of doing it on his own... Why am I promisiing things and resources that I don't even have? Argh!!! What did I do? I stayed honest... I kept sharing! I took action as promptly as I was able to do and was able to find resolve to the dilemma which immediately moved me from the problem to peace of mind and solution. Yayee!! I am thankful. I went to my meeting after a very busy day at work! I really didn't want to go, but I did it and was of service and completed my coffee commitment as well as just stay there and listen to someone share their story of strength hope and experience! Thereafter, I got a ride home with my housemates! Thereafter, I was able to take action and call my Mom and talk to her and cheer her up a bit more... I listened and allowed her to talk and vent her frutstrations and challenges of the past few days! I was able to move into solution with a lot of the problems that I was having for the day. I am super thankful for the fact that I was able to just sit with the feelings and stay in the moment and not pick up and use. I went ahead and shared with my former recovery housemate and good friend "M" whilst at the meeting and better yet he was able to share his frustrations with me... Yayeee.... I am loved, I am able to love...
I am thankful! I am clean and sober one more day... My sponsee called me tonight.. I missed both phone calls, but to hear him call and say hello and say this is "H", your sponsee... Wow! I am truly humbled! I am truly honored. I have much to learn from this man who is trying to stay clean and sober one day at a time just as I am doing one day at a time as well! Cool beans...
Have a good night all... Today, I hear the message even louder than ever... Get into action!!!
Peace Out,
Quoc
LET GO... LET GOD....
Hey all,
Sorry I have not been able to keep y'all posted with my on-goings... It actually is a good thing! Life is busy enough to where I am full by the end of each evening and just too darn tired to blog! So, yeah, can't complain about being bored and have too much time to just sit around listless. Phew, listless I am not. Bored I am not! Full I am! So, anyway, I really need to take some time to write in my personal journal! I may be writing with some reservations with this on-line journal considering the fact that it is available for the world to see! I have no intention of hiding anything, but you know how the mind may automatically hold reservations and be cautious without my even realizing that I am doing it?
But just a brief little summary of what's been going on... I was asked to sponsor someone on Wednesday by someone at a meeting! Wow! What an honor! I went out on a pseudo date with someone on Friday night at the Vista Theatre on Hyperion and Vermont to see the opening of Harry Potter III! That was neat. Then I had dinner and got a massage from someone I had met from a phone line. I totally am not comfortable with the idea that people want to have a relationship with me. I am very flattered, but at this point and time in my life; it is certainly not a consideration! I know that for a fact, because I am much more in tune with the TRUTH of who I am and what I need! There are a lot of fuzzy things going on in my life. Right now, I really need to continue working my steps, do more therapy work and just continue to build that relationship with myself first and foremost so that I may be fully available for another person come time for me to become interested in developing a relationship with someone that I am truly all tingly and excited about!
For now, I want to really get to know what I like and I want and I need and I love! I have some reserves to be available to others, but no I am in no position to do any of that, because I am not in a place where I am totally comfortable in my own skin to assert my boundaries, express my desires and needs, and do so because I love me verses my not wanting you to be offended and dislike me! Yes, working on people-pleasing issues still! Comes with low self-esteem and undeveloped love for myself! Just for now... I need to work on that.
I am feeling pretty crappy, because within the past week I have overdrawn on my bank account twice and believe I have been dinged twice ($20 each) on it!!! Truly I am not perfect nowhere near satisfactory! It's funny my sponsor and I discussed my need to start addressing my financial issues! We set a date for me to complete my 4th step so I may move towards the 5th step and beyond. I really wanna do this and complete this because I want to complete this and want my sobriety that much! So, I hope in doing this, I will be moving at a pace of self desire and not fighting to meet a deadline because someone else wants me to finish the fourth step for my sake! I want to want it! Frothy emotions seldom bring about any genuine results! I GOTTA WANT IT!!! So, the other thing discussed is my needing to address the financial side of things and being on top of things. I have kept on my cell phone a daily mantra of doing to completion PROMPTLY/IN A TIMELY FASHION the assignments and chores that I need to do to maintain balance in my life and not allow things to clutter up so that I end up with a crap load of stuff that has not been addressed and taken care of. Sigh... I have slid back down into this direction! It's been over a month since I have moved into this sober living and I have not even completely unpacked any more that the first two boxes from my room. Argh!!! It really goes to show how much I really need to function in day to day activities! What I perceive I need is not necessarily true if I have gone on for a length of time without having unpacked those items and still continue to do ok!
Ok.... I am gonna go write now... and finish reading The Firm! Exciting!!!
Peace out,
Quoc
PS - I give thanks for my sponsor and sponsee brother for giving me a birthday cake for my 1st year of sobriety! Yippee!!!
POST CONVENTION BLURB
Hello there! The time is about 10:30 PM. I am actually not that tired. I just got done e-mailing a few people. I am gonna keep it short today... Not that there hasn't been a lot going on, but there is a lot more that is going on that requires a lot less reflection and more energy on continuing to be productive!
Comments about the last part of Sunday night through Monday is that I had an opportunity to feel desired and to apply my right to desire! I didn't have as much fun as I did compared to last year's convention dance, but then I know myself a bit better now and know what I like and don't like... I had the opportunity to sit back and just enjoy an evening watching and partaking in some of the festivities! I did not have to exert more than I felt like!
Afterward, I had the privilege of spending some time having a very late 1 AM dinner with a few of the guys "D", "S", and "G". It was amazing listening to them share and converse! I just sat back quietly and listened! I felt like a mere "flotsom" around these sober deities chatting nonchalantly amongst themselves.. I came to realize that I had a whole lot more common with them than I thought I did! Wow!
That was sooo darn encouraging... Anyway, a bunch of "other" stuff happened that I could spare the details for you folks to read...
The next day, I spent at the last open meeting at 1 PM where there was a countdown... I (and a bunch of other people) was presented with cake by my sponsor in front of over 500 people. That was really cool! Just a year ago, I was asking my sponsor what a sponsor's job was... No his job was not to pay for my stay at the recovery house! A sponsor is someone who guides me through the 12 steps of the program. Thereafter, I asked my sponsor, who defined what a sponsor's job was, to be my sponsor. How special is it for me to revisit this convention in a totally different frame of mind, body and spirit!!! I then made my way back home and had a quick dinner and a literal 5 minute nap before heading out to do my coffee commitment at my Monday night meeting.
The speaker shared about being physically exhausted but spiritually charged! Yeah, I can totally relate to that! I was physically exhausted from the on-going activities all weekend long, but spiritually lifted above "pink cloud" capacity!!! I was resonating with sober synergy!!! It's amazing! It's powerful! It's uplifting! It's one of those experiences that those who were actually there could relate to the feelings! PROFOUNDLY POWERFUL AND UPLIFTING! I wanted to share about how it was a year ago that I was at my first sober convention and having an opportunity to revisit the same event one year later. I am present, I am physically healthy, I am spiritually charged!!! I am not only able to graciously accept love, but able to give back some of the love that was sooo freely given to me! I was in my first week of sobriety and did not even know what a sponsor was. One year ago was when I met my first and current sponsor; he's guided me over 365 days to where I am now. I had the privilege of receiving a cake from my sponsor, be of service, and show another recovering person strength hope and experience... What just one day at a time done over a period of time yields experience in learning how to tame the raging addicted beast for one more day! Yes, it is indeed cunning, baffling and powerful, but with the love and help and support of a "Group Of Drunks/Druggies (G.O.D.)," I have been able to utilize tools in keeping the beast at bay just one day at a time...
Ok... Anyway, I am thankful... I am tired! I am going to bed! It's been a full day! Oh yeah, I got written up at work today for not calling in sick at work before they called me from this past Friday... I accepted the consequences of my actions, did NOT allow this mistake judge me as a MISTAKE, and was able to stay in the moment and move on with my day! Yes! That is what a lesson learned is all about! Not sitting in the problem but moving forward in the solution!
I really liked what the speaker at the last meeting at the convention shared! She is glad that people make mistakes! Because this is when I get to see how another person solves a solution without picking up a drink or the pipe!!! That is the beauty of making mistakes!!! We "get to" move into the solution! It's a choice! It's is a privilege! Oh yeah! I have a choice!!! God can't GET me sober; God wants me to move through life's challenges and stay clean and sober, but the other part is, "I gotta want it too!!!" God wants me sober; I have to want it too. Simple!!! Yup! Too simple for this smart-ass addict to get! haha! There is such a thing as too smart for my own good, aye?
Ok, I said more than a mouthful! G'nite all! I thank God for helping keep me clean and sober! I pray for those who are still suffering out there! I ask for God's grace to continue to keep me willing to do what is necessary to stay clean and sober one more day! The rest will fall into place.
Peace out,
Quoc
