LET GO... LET GOD....
Hey all,Sorry I have not been able to keep y'all posted with my on-goings... It actually is a good thing! Life is busy enough to where I am full by the end of each evening and just too darn tired to blog! So, yeah, can't complain about being bored and have too much time to just sit around listless. Phew, listless I am not. Bored I am not! Full I am! So, anyway, I really need to take some time to write in my personal journal! I may be writing with some reservations with this on-line journal considering the fact that it is available for the world to see! I have no intention of hiding anything, but you know how the mind may automatically hold reservations and be cautious without my even realizing that I am doing it?
But just a brief little summary of what's been going on... I was asked to sponsor someone on Wednesday by someone at a meeting! Wow! What an honor! I went out on a pseudo date with someone on Friday night at the Vista Theatre on Hyperion and Vermont to see the opening of Harry Potter III! That was neat. Then I had dinner and got a massage from someone I had met from a phone line. I totally am not comfortable with the idea that people want to have a relationship with me. I am very flattered, but at this point and time in my life; it is certainly not a consideration! I know that for a fact, because I am much more in tune with the TRUTH of who I am and what I need! There are a lot of fuzzy things going on in my life. Right now, I really need to continue working my steps, do more therapy work and just continue to build that relationship with myself first and foremost so that I may be fully available for another person come time for me to become interested in developing a relationship with someone that I am truly all tingly and excited about!
For now, I want to really get to know what I like and I want and I need and I love! I have some reserves to be available to others, but no I am in no position to do any of that, because I am not in a place where I am totally comfortable in my own skin to assert my boundaries, express my desires and needs, and do so because I love me verses my not wanting you to be offended and dislike me! Yes, working on people-pleasing issues still! Comes with low self-esteem and undeveloped love for myself! Just for now... I need to work on that.
I am feeling pretty crappy, because within the past week I have overdrawn on my bank account twice and believe I have been dinged twice ($20 each) on it!!! Truly I am not perfect nowhere near satisfactory! It's funny my sponsor and I discussed my need to start addressing my financial issues! We set a date for me to complete my 4th step so I may move towards the 5th step and beyond. I really wanna do this and complete this because I want to complete this and want my sobriety that much! So, I hope in doing this, I will be moving at a pace of self desire and not fighting to meet a deadline because someone else wants me to finish the fourth step for my sake! I want to want it! Frothy emotions seldom bring about any genuine results! I GOTTA WANT IT!!! So, the other thing discussed is my needing to address the financial side of things and being on top of things. I have kept on my cell phone a daily mantra of doing to completion PROMPTLY/IN A TIMELY FASHION the assignments and chores that I need to do to maintain balance in my life and not allow things to clutter up so that I end up with a crap load of stuff that has not been addressed and taken care of. Sigh... I have slid back down into this direction! It's been over a month since I have moved into this sober living and I have not even completely unpacked any more that the first two boxes from my room. Argh!!! It really goes to show how much I really need to function in day to day activities! What I perceive I need is not necessarily true if I have gone on for a length of time without having unpacked those items and still continue to do ok!
Ok.... I am gonna go write now... and finish reading The Firm! Exciting!!!
Peace out,
Quoc
PS - I give thanks for my sponsor and sponsee brother for giving me a birthday cake for my 1st year of sobriety! Yippee!!!
posted by Quoc @ 9:58 PM E-mail me!
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home