THERAPY WITH THE THERAPIST
Hmmm... I am curious about the meaning of the word therapy! I need to look it up. Tonight was my therapy night... I was looking forward to going because I had some things go on in my life that I was able to just let out into the open like not feeling like a good employee because the way I format my letters were not up to par with my supervisor's expectations. Anyway, the conversation between the therapist and myself really got deep about a very very common word that really causes someone like me to freeze: FEAR. Of all the things to be afraid of, my fear is of success. My therapist asked what would I get if I did move into action and worked through the steps... What would be the result? I said that I would be present for myself and love myself and not need a relationship with another person; I would be present for my family; I would be able to cope with life in a much more calm fashion... Things would be "different" my therapist said... I said things would be better... Again, Therapist reminded me what he said: DIFFERENT. My mind took it as I am in a place that is not better than where I could be if I were to work through the steps! We came to the conclusion that I have a fear of success; well, not necessarily of success, but of change... That I will be a different person... Change... Fear of change, even if it means for the better! It's this innate fear that I suppose is on me.... Hmmm...Then we got to talking about my labeling self as not wanting to be a "leech to society." So, we're talking about why all this apathy with doing the 4th step... Therapist suggested that perhaps that I may confirm after doing the 4th step that I am inherently a maggot to society... A life sucking parasite; flawed. Not chance of redeeming self from being permanently branded... I know it is not true, but clearly, deep down inside me there is a part of me that fears the Truth may be just that! I shared with Therapist that he may have 51/50 me should that conclusion come into being.
Then we talked about spirituality... About the soul and about the core of me really being good and it is the disease which resides on the outside and currently yelling way louder than the calm voice of love and care and serenity and just wholesome goodness within me that is also communicating... It is just that much more difficult for me to hear that quieter voice right now... It means that I am doing the right thing and that my disease is getting really scared, desperate and more and more creative in finding ways to sabatoge!!!
So, the great thing that I gained from tonight is talking about the pros and cons of doing the fourth step and working through the steps... Knowing the difference between willingness vs. action. Therapist shared with me that perhaps right now that willingness is a good place for me to be verses needing to push it all the way to ACTION. Don't force it! Surrender.... Turn it over... Let it go... Stay in the moment... Easy does it...
I am sure that more comprehension will follow after an evenings rest... I shared at the same time that we ran out of time for our session that I was "full." Boy did I feel raw, exposed, vulnerable and sort of looking at myself in the mirror naked for the first time... It felt really scary...
I hope tomorrow brings a day where I can move towards willingness... Just willing... Just making the decision to be willing.
Peace out...
Quoc
posted by Quoc @ 10:50 PM E-mail me!
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