Quoc's Web Journal

OK I GET IT; IT'S NOT ANYONE'S FAULT

So, I get it a little bit more today... No I don't get it ALL! I get just a little more after tonights session with the therapist. What happened tonight? The moment I walked in I was asked why I apologized for being tardy. That is how it all started. I shared about feeling the importance of punctuality and the importance of feeling like I can be depended upon. Wow... What happened next? We fast backwarded to my childhood... These sessions have been amazing because of a good Therapist who knows what he's doing as well as a willing client who is willing to share and be guided.

So, back to the past... What did I share about? I shared about first my being in kindergarten and how I felt different trying to figure out what the word bug was and feeling really frustrated because I didn't have someone around to be a role model and a teacher to show me the ropes. Then came my elementary years with regards to feeling different as an asian, as not speaking english and just not being part of the american culture... To feel resentment about the fact that the rules in my household were different from that of my classmates. Of my going to Chinese school... Of my needing to help mom cut the vegetables. Of not being able to go over to friends houses over the weekend. Of being poor and not having new clothes... I went on a pity pot role! I shared about my feelings of resentment against my sister because she was willing to do things to take care of herself and here I am being the good little mama's boy sacrificing my own happiness to be a conformist.. to be a rule follower... to not be deviant.... That is such a bummer... I can totally hear the VNRH staff members totally slamming me for sharing in such fashion... I am looking back in retrospect of my share with Tom... Was I sharing cuz I wanted pity and sympathy from him? I didn't take the time to share about the good times and my moments of gratitude with my parents of my family and of being asian and blessed with the ambition and persistence because of my time of trials and challenges.

I did go on to share about my high school years and how those were. How I was a loner and a bookworm and did not want to pay money that was not mine to participate in extracurricular clubs and organizations within the school. How I was the perfect little boy again, and my resentments against my sister regarding taking care of herself again.

Again, there I am being the addict perhaps looking for sympathy... Sigh... Suffice it to say the lesson that I learned is that all those things that happened are not my fault. All the things that were imposed upon me were neither my parents fault. They were just circumstances that occurred... Unfortunate circumstances that yielded different reactions and different perceptions and how I grew up to the person I am... I only hope that I am being as genuine as possible because lying will really not get me anywhere.. There was more truth that came out in my share. I really have to realize that what I have to share in these sessions are for my own good!

I b*llsh*t around and I will only keep myself from a solution that will help me in the long run... Walk into that session with the intent of being completely honest with my feelings and stories... Forgive myself for moving into the mode of being a pity pot.... Hopefully my therapist will catch on to those moments when I am not honest and see a patttern. Hopefully I will catch it like I am not and realize that doing this will not do me any benefit and that I walk in with more experience from the last visit and catch myself on my moments of dishonesty! Yayeee.. That's progress just right there.

I must share that on the way home; waiting at the train station a tweeker sat next to me... He didn't too bad at all; as a matter of fact he looked pretty good. How did I know he was tweeking? He kept clicking his teeth and just basically knocking his upper teeth with his lower... I know those sounds because I used to do that... I still do that sometimes but certainly not as bad as what I used to do while I was tweekin'. Then upon walking home I would walk over an empty baggy; yeah one of those baggies that used to hold my crystal meth! I kept walking... My mind did linger on both those encounters and was definitely drawn to it... I am glad to be home... I am thankful to be clean and sober. I am blessed to have help in guiding me as well as my willingness to share to the BEST OF MY ABILITY. So long as I learn from the lesson, then the effort has not been wasted.

Today I give thanks... Thank you G.O.D.

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 11:06 PM              E-mail me!