Quoc's Web Journal

DIRECTION NOT TO LAUGH AT MYSELF...

I love my Sponsor!!! He really does clue in on things about me that I don't see for myself! He mentioned that I have to change the behavior of laughing at myself. He mentioned the fact that when I talked at lunch the other day at lunch with my sponsee and my sponsor that I mentioned that I was a top and laughed at myself because I wanted people to know that I knew how ridiculous the idea was. The thing is, I say it in all seriousness. My sponsor is right in telling me that I laugh because there is that part of me that goes to autopilot and has me doing things to belittle myself like laughing at myself. He also mentioned that the voice message that I left for him this past Friday about someone asking me to be his sponsor and again laughed in not only disbelief but also because there is a part of me that doesn't believe that I am worthy of such things... He went on to share with me that I am good looking and I am kind and I am sexy... Wow...

So... As a sponsee, my job is to take direction... I need help in this department because I really didn't know I was doing what I was doing until my sponsor pointed it out to me. I will need those that hang around me to help catch me on times when I am taking these self abusive and self-demeaning actions! I will certainly make efforts to do more of accepting the fact that I am handsome, kind, caring, loving, intelligent, and worthy of being loved and desired by another person. I am also deserving of proudly claiming and owning those things that make me feel good and those things that I feel are markers of who I am no matter how or what society stereotypes as "becoming of me." I am proud to be a versatile top!

The speaker at tonights meeting put it sooo well by sharing that he hoped that he did not saying anything to offend anyone, but if he did, he didn't really care! Wow! That is the second time I heard someone say that.. Actually 3rd time. First from my sponsor, then from my friend "J" and then tonights speaker... I know there have been many more occasions where I have heard this, but that is what stands out right at this given moment. This is something I certainly want and can claim just a little at a time, one day at a time! These men are comfortable enough about themselves where they don't need to say what the other person wants to hear, but to tell the other person the truth. Of course there will be times that honesty will not be the sweetest thing to hear... But isn't that what we all really want to hear anyway? The TRUTH? Also, I am hearing that it really doesn't matter what the other person thinks... Am I going to be with a consience that has shared in the most genuine and honest fashion? Do I go to bed knowing that the person that the world saw is the most genuine person that was being presented? If they don't like it... It's on them...

The above are very uncomfortable words for me to move into action... But as my therapist said, perhaps all I really need right now is willingness rather than action... Just being willing and surrendering and being at peace and do what is suggested at each given moment is enough...

I give thanks for today's lessons! It's been a busy day... There are more responsibilities being placed on my plate with each passing day! All I need do is give thanks for the ability to do the best that I have within me... That is enough!

All my love to myself... I feel good that a friend in sobriety I called told me that he thought I looked sexy the other night... Wow! I am flattered. I thanked him... He told me that I didn't need to thank him because he was just telling me the truth! Wow... "J" I think is an incredibly beautiful guy who just shared with me that I am a good looking guy.. Not just that, but I am sexy looking! Wow!!!

Thankfully,

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 10:19 PM              E-mail me!