MY FEET FEEL PRETTY
Shimmering above are the results of pampered feet!
Haha... What a week! What a weekend! This is what I call livin'!!! Life has been moving!!!
I have a new sponsee; his limited ability (not very limited actually) to speak english has allowed me to really take the time to explain things in the big book! In doing so, I am understanding the big book word for word, sentence for sentence. I am also learning to listen and interpret much more attentively. I am also learning the best answer and response I can give my sponsee is to relate those feelings and experiences he is going through WITH MY OWN EXPERIENCE AND WHAT HAS WORKED FOR ME. Talk of theory is way too difficult to grasp! Both of us wanna hear what is really going on and talk about what is really going on... Talk about God doing for me what I can't do for myself! Thank you Life!!!
Just highlights for this weekend as to the blessings of what has been really going on...
I have been listening to Reverend Kristin and her services on the new cd format! Yayeee!!! It has really allowed me to meditate each day on my way to work and listen to some of the messages of "Spirit." This message is always the same... It's just worded differently each time and with different anecdotes. I find great appreciation in Reverend Kristin's astounding ability to put a twist to each week's services to deliver the message of HONORING THE TRUTH OF WHO I AM IN THIS GIVEN MOMENT. She did a great reading of Dr. Seus on life and the journey taken up on life with shoes full of feet and head full of brains.
I have been able to share candidly with the Director of my work environment on what has been really going on with me and the department. These are all new steps that I am taking. What came out was beautiful! The Director eloquently related to how I felt, as well as the rest of the department, acknowledge the low morale given the few but very very overwhelming events that have transpired over the past few weeks. It's a matter of "keeping the eye on the ball" as the Director says. To really see the forest and the greater picture of where I want to be with the expanding department!
Relating this to my recovery, I am able to appreciate the imperfections of my human expectations verses the divine process of Life. Life answered my prayers to have a difficult situation removed from my presence as well as answer the prayer that I have been making against the person I had "vengeful" feelings towards. He got promoted and move across to the Main Office. He was not fired. I WANTED to look at it as reward for the wrongs that were committed against me (verbally abusing me first, then filing sexual harrassment against me). In trusting Life, I understand that things do not happen in God's world by mistake!!! Trust the process and when I take the time to evaluate what is really going on in my world disregarding anyone else around me I find myself taken care of.... Whatever will happen to the other person is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. The challenges I faced have indeed been removed. Now, it's just the emotional space I CHOOSE to reside in at each given moment. Again, by the grace of my Higher Power, I am able to move progressively towards ACCEPTANCE that I am taken care of and not to focus on anything outside of what I really need taken care of. Thank you my friend in sobriety D.J. and thank you Life. I am willing to experience, share what I am going through with someone else and stay open-minded enough to respond with the suggestion that was given (not my own ideas).
Tuesday evening, I was able to have dinner with someone very special that I have known since early in my sobriety but never really took the time to spend time with. Well, on the week before he was due to leave for New York, we finally MADE time to visit with one another... I had reservations about sharing my HIV status for fear of rejection. I had reservations of sharing about what is really going on in my life for FEAR that the drama in my life would be way too much for anyone to want to hang around... I came to find out that he's been reading my web-logs and has been keeping up with everything that has been going on in my life. In light of that fact, I was totally touched that he still wanted to be around me despite my being HIV positive and that I am living a life full of challenges. Apparently, it's just challenges and not the played up and built up image of "DRAMA" that my head is ashamed of sharing... Haha... Wow!!! Goes to show that people will still love me just the way that I am and exactly where I am... I found yet another kindred spirit in my life. Thank you Joshua!!! I wish you the best in your endeavors out in New York! Thank you for showing me that I am worth spending time with and a worthy person just living with HIV and coping with living life on life's terms.
Thursday evening, I was happy to do my last evening of a 6 month commitment that I picked up back in February/March! Wow!!! How much I have grown since picking up the secretary commitment!!! Wow... I am humbled and feel privileged to have been of service and blessed with another tool to stay clean and sober and get some people I really wanted to hear the stories of strength, hope and experience from.
What did I do Friday evening? Went and visited the first roomate situation in North Hollywood. Great location, alright place, but iffy roomates. They seem hesitant about having someone gay live with them. It is suggested I don't take that chance. I agree.
Saturday? I went to 3rd and Fairfax to get my toe-nails pedicured and my hand parafined. Wow... My feel indeed "feel pretty" as suggested by the person who pampered my feet! I then took my sponsor's direction to take care of myself and do nice things for myself. I bought a pair of jeans, a yoga matt, and some farm fresh tomatoes. I had a blast spending time with me and just relaxing!
It took me 2 hours to make it to yet another potential roomate situation. Again, the place was close to work, but the room was very very makeshift and the bathroom very very compact, and the energy not quite there. I just didn't feel I was able to call that place home. I am hoping that I will know when I find that place I can call home in the next step up from sober living to more independent living... Yet another transition in my life... All the meanwhile doing my fourth step!!! I had lunch at CJr. and then trekked over to the LA Gay and Lesbian Center and posted a index card ad for a roomate... Basically doing all the footwork in hopes of finding my next home...
By now, I am exhausted and went home for a nap til 5:30 PM/6 PM when I prepared for an evening with my friend "B" to the Hollywood Bowl. What a phenomenal evening!!! The trip there was totally smooth. I just trusted that we'd get there; things would work out... TRUST. I have a lot of trust in the PROCESS and my HIGHER POWER. My friend was trippin' a bit about getting up there and expected challenges, but we found great parking and was transported by shuttle directly to the bowl! Wahoo!!! We had dinner and watched Maestro John Williams conduct the LA Philharmonics to scores from "HIS CREATIONS." I was totally blown away by the audience, then by the scores that I recognized. Just to name a few: Olympics, Superman, E.T., Indiana Jones, Star Wars, Harry Potter, etc... Wow!!!
The next day I did my laundry and trekked on over to the Van Ness Recovery House to spend time with fellow alumni and residents to watch the musical Hairspray at the Pantages!!! Yet another wonderful treat!!! Thereafter, we had dinner as a group, afterwhich, I spent time visiting with my sponsee. We talked about page 417 in the fourth edition of the Big Book of Sobriety. I was thankful to be of service; that was my meeting!
Home I went feeling physically ailing, coughing, and headachy... I rested from 7 - 1o PM and have been typing in my journal, but romancing going to the sex club and getting off with some physical attention!!! But I managed to just kill the time journalizing and going over this weeks blessed events!!!
Thank you life... I managed not only to stay clean and sober for another week, but embark upon another journey of finding another home for myself. I worry of where and how I am going to find a bed for the new living arrangement I hope to find in the next few days/weeks. I am able to experience the feelings and challenges of life and grow from each one while managing to stay clean and sober one day at a time. I am able to relate big time to the feelings of those I call in my support group and listen as well as share about my experiences and growing with each other. LIFE IS GRAND!!!
Life is happening! Most importantly, I GET to really enjoy this because I have honored my primary purpose, to stay clean and sober one day at a time and to continue to work the steps and build that foundation which calls for a conscious contact with my Higher Power. Everything else will fall into place.
There is one thing I am powerless and need help in; I will pray on it tonight... How my Mom and sisters have been away and I did not visit my father in the hospice care this past week. I have been living a full life. I have been avoiding my father; yes there is some shame in my worth and usefulness in his presence. He is being taken care of by my sisters friends and other loved ones. I guess the best I can do is show up when I can and make myself available. That is enough. I will not beat myself up for not visiting my father this week. I will take the experiences that I have gained thusfar in life and continue living in the present moving foward with living in the moment one day/hour at a time!!!
I am very curious as to how many on-lookers I have following my life... I do encourage you to just post a comment... You are very special in my life... You are the very entities that I interact with that makes my life interesting and allows for me to share the experiences that go on... Eitherway, thank you for your support... Share this log with other people.. I truly encourage you to share your experiences, share my experiences... This is what makes life grand... How we spend our living moments...
TRULY THANKFUL,
quoc@quoclam.com
PICK UP THE PEN TO DO 4TH STEP AND MY BODY REVOLTS!!!
So, here is a sample of what of what happens each time I pick up the pen to do the 4th step! Argh!!! I guess I should be thankful that my head is not spinning around and I am not vomitting all over the place! Haha... It's darn close to an exorcism! My disease really does not like me moving forward and working on my sobriety!!!
Nothing really to report except the fact that I am a bit irked about the uncomfortable work situation... Who is making the experience uncomfortable? Myself! I am choosing to stay in discomfort! I really don't have to! I really don't... But again, it's progress not perfection...
I give thanks for that. I give thanks for an extraordinarily ordinary day!!!
quoc@quoclam.com
IT'S NOT WHAT YOU DID... IT'S WHAT YOU DIDN'T DO...
That is what I heard myself share (with the help of my wonderful therapist) this evening... I was sharing about this past weeks events... How I celebrated my birthday for myself; my visiting my father in the hospice care/hospital this past Sunday; the phone call I received from Uncle Phat (one of Mom's friends); how a co-worker showed what being "classy" is about; how I visited with a great guy just in passing...
What to tackle first... What I have been hearing all week long from "life" is share what is really going on with me and how I really feel. I need not justify anything or sugar-coat and look at the "brighter" side of things. When I am troubled or feeling, it's good to pause, acknowledge the feelings that come from whatever just occurred. Tonight, I was better about just sharing with the therapist about what I was really feeling with the events that revolved around my visiting my father and the expectations that were placed on me as well as the ones (the heaviest ones) that were placed on myself! So, let's go from my feelings of uselessness from visiting my father, because my sister's boyfriend knew to do certain things in caring for my own father than myself! Then, I didn't think of speaking with the nurse about how my dad was doing... I then had a flashback to times in my past where I felt useless and powerless and paralyzed in doing things... Of when my father's gambling really hurt my feelings... How my sister was clinging onto me when Mom was going crazy putting her head through a window, Mom hammering my Dad's hand, or Mom running around acting crazy (with a meat cleavor) and threatening to leave the family for good... Always coming back to the house because of Grandma, not because of us, her kids... I didn't feel important enough for Mom to wanna stay around. Like my therapist said, I felt in the way... I didn't feel like I belonged there, I was wanted there, nor was I wanted there. I had all kinds of fears while my Mom was going crazy, but I had to comfort my scared sister... She had someone to cling onto and share her feelings and cry; I had to be there to comfort her and tell her that Mom was coming back and that things were going to be ok and not show any emotions that would scare my sister. I didn't have the chance to be scared; I wanted very much to grab onto a big brother or a big sister and cry and share that I was scared of being left alone and unloved... These kinds of events were ilicited by my father's action when he gambled...
Feelings of powerlessness came from when my father took a fall and went into cardiac arrest. I recounted the experience with my therapist the evening when that occurred, how my sister made multiple calls desperately getting help from me because Dad was not breathing, then one message after another updating me about her calling 911 and training Mom how to give CPR to Dad, how they went to Harbor UCLA, then the feelings of complete and utter disappointment with me for falling through the one time my cell phone's purpose was actually used for: an emergency and I was not prepared to answer the phone call... What was I doing instead? Hooking up with some guy doing goodness knows what... Feelings of shame? Absolutely!!!!
Lots of fear about holding my Dad's hands because of the cultural aspect that a son would not hold his father's hands... Then there is the fear that if I held my father's hands, that it may mean that I actually care for this man and whatever feelings would come out of that. I don't know... All I know is that I am truly paralyzed with fear whenever I stand there looking into Dad's hollow desperate eyes... It's just not any person... Perhaps I should try treating him like just any person... I would take that persons hand and hold it... I would talk to that individual...
Clearly, this is disconcerting, because I am really quiet tonight... All the guys here at the sober living are asking why I am sooo quiet and if I am ok. I am thankful that people notice and people care.
The other thing is that darn phone call from Uncle Phat calling me an ingrate, or calling to pressure me into visiting Dad, or come over to water the plants, and just huffing and puffing and making those familiar sounds of utter disgust, disappointment and disapproval that I haven't heard in a long time. Oh the feelings that really brought up!!!
I learned from a co-worker that shared with me by being an example of how sexy comes from within; how love for self truly radiates from within... I do NOT need to act, look or communicate in a certain way to show what kind of person I am.... The only person that needs to know is ME!!! How he is able to be sooo comfortable with himself that he doesn't need to flaunt anything in order to be acknowledged for anything... He knows it for himself!!! Cool!!!
This past evening, I was able to go out to dinner with my friend "J." He shares how he's been reading my web-log and knows more about me than he shared about knowing about me. Neither did I share about my HIV status with him nor did I share about all the trials and tribulations I have really gone through... In reading the events that have transpired in my life... He still wanted to get to know me, he still wanted to hang out with me, he did not judge me as a bad seed, or a bad person, or someone who is weak and undesirable... He shared sentiments of admiration, hope, support, encouragement and love... WOW...
So, each day that passes by, I realize that just being myself is ok... There are times when I get checked on not knowing how to discern my work from my personal... OK... Progress not perfection.... So others don't see it... They call me on it and have expectations. What I know is the progress I am making in my life!!! Each and every day that passes by for me clean and sober is in itself an AMAZING FEAT!!! More so, I am willing to make mistakes, continue to grow and little by little make incremental CHANGES in my life and improve... Yes indeed I have improved with the assistance of my sponsor, therapist, the meetings, experience in itself, the grace of my higher power and of course I give credit for myself for being WILLING to continue to move/stumble forward one day at a time...
I realize that the writing I did in today's entry is very very broken apart and fragmented in thoughts... I am honoring the fact that I am writing this journal for my benefit... I am utilizing this as one of the tools for self love, self nurture, and self care... I reserve the right to act in a manner that bolsters and supports for a healthier self!!! I do not need to explain to anyone else!!!
And so I end... it's late... I have to get to sleep, take my 2nd day's worth of new HIV meds, pray, brush my teeth and rest up for another full day of work... I pray and trust and give thanks to my higher power to move me out of sober living and into a living environment I will find some peace, love, solace and a place I may comfortably call home...
With deep appreciation for another day clean and sober and "growth,"
quoc@quoclam.com
BIRTHDAY WEEKEND
So, I took Friday, August 20, 2004 off after a very heavy session in Human Resources with work. Ack! The darn lady tried to get me to incriminate and include the drama that happens around the department outside of what is going on with me. All I am in there for is to protect myself and maintain my integrity the TRUTH of what really happened! Also, I wanted to get an update on what action was being taken.
I don't feel comfortable being in an environment with the perpetrator without the Director of the Program present. She'd do something about it! I can't wait for all this to pass! Sheesh!
So, what did I do on this day off? I kinda slept in... Showered... Went to my Dr.'s appointment to change up my HIV regiment. The current one has side effects that have indeed affected the quality of my living and they have gone on long enough without any mercy! It's time to change it up. I start my new regiment on Monday when the pharmacy mails it to me. Sigh! I pray that the regiment will not mess with my body and that it will prove to be just as effective if not more effective and long lasting than the current regiment that I am no longer taking! So, from today to Monday, I do not have ANY meds to take!!! This is strange!!! I actually became pretty accustomed to taking meds twice daily! The regiment will be easier on me. Once daily...
I had the opportunity to visit with a potential roomate. It probably won't work out... I am doing the footwork and screening people and also checking out different places and WILLING to travel via public transportation to get to these places in order to improve the quality of my life as I stay clean and sober one day at a time.
The post visit with the roomie situation led me to wait for the bus for a long time... I conveniently found the 220 on Robertson in West Los Angeles and ended up at the West Hollywood Recovery Center. I went in and enjoyed the last 15 minutes of an old timers meeting! Cool! Better yet, I got a ride to the AT Center for another meeting from 8:30 PM til 10 PM. I had a movie viewing plan of watching the opening night of Excorcist, the Beginning or Alien vs. Predator. I also had planned to meet with yet another possibly roomie. When I had a choice, I opted for the sobriety!!!
Yayee... I applaud myself. I feel good about myself. I am eating healthier. I felt great today! I am still beaming from the meeting from last night! Thank you Life! Thank you Higher Power.
May I continue to stay WILLING, HONEST and honor myself and that which is in my greatest good.
Thank you all for such a wonderful Birthday thusfar!!! Just living one day at a time, clean and sober gives me an opportunity to share my experiences and learn from others as I continue trudging the road towards happy destiny.
Again, I give thanks...
quoc@quoclam.com
ON THIS DAY, 29 YEARS AGO...
On this day, 29 years ago, a baby boy of a hefty 8.5 lbs was brought into the world. Time and place? In the midst of the Vietnam conflict, Ho Chi Minh City (now Saigon)...
29 years later, this very same boy has developed into a man with about 3 decades of wisdom and experiences and the BLESSED OPPORTUNITY to share about it with others.
What am I going to share? What is happening in this very given moment, because the most important time of my life is RIGHT NOW!!!
I chose to be in a lousy mood last night and stay apathy; what did I hear? If nothing changes, then nothing changes. It would have been very self-nurturing to take a shower; to brush my teeth; to clean up my paper clutter; to pray; to read some of the Big Book or 12 and 12; and to do some more of my fourth step.
What did I do instead? I stayed in bed and went to sleep; I didn't feel like it. I was answering to the whims of that part of myself that is lazy, wants to be depressed, and wanting blessings without due action!!!
I woke up this morning in a different space. I rolled off my bed and was willing to pray and prayed; I went and took a shower; I waxed myself a little bit; I brushed my teeth; I took some time to dress and quaff myself; I listened to Reverend Kristin's most recent spiritual message from this past Sunday's Church service.
It so happened the very message that was being shared gave me the answer to the question of whether I should share it's my birthday today! If it makes me feel good, then YES!!! She answered the question of whether sharing about this would warrant feelings from other people. Oh yeah, I am powerless over changing other people and how they act and feel! They choose to act and feel! Just like I am responsible for doing things that are either healthy or not-so-healthy to my well-being!!! So, what makes me feel good, regardless of how others may respond/react? Yes, share it's my birthday!!!
Reverend Kristin also shared about why we go to church. She shared that she does not speak the word of God, only HER TRUTH and hoping that these very spiritual experiences she is going through may benefit another person who crosses paths with her. Nice...
Answer to the question as to why we go to church? Or why I go to meetings? Or why certain things are done? TO EXPERIENCE GOD. For me, in the rooms of recovery, to experience strength, hope and experience. EXPERIENCE!!! Experience of the TRUTH may not necessarily be congruent with feelings I have in any given moment and feelings may not necessarily be congruent with knowledge and knowledge indeed may not be congruent with TRUTH!!! So, what is TRUTH? All of the above in one package!!!
That must've been a eyeful of confusion for others, but again, why am I doing this? So, I may find the truth in this journey I am taking... In doing this, I will most definitely benefit from another who reads this and share his/her take on it... Or just in doing this, I will see the truth in it myself... In doing this another person may benefit from my experience, but there is no REQUIREMENT or mandate that anything I do benefit anyone else. Just me... The rest is up to my Higher Power!!!
Ok.. I must return to work... I give thanks for my 1st natal birthday celebrated out of a recovery house, transitioning from a sober living hopefully to another home, and clean and sober... I GET TO EXPERIENCE ALL THESE THINGS BECAUSE I CHOOSE TO TURN MY WILL AND MY LIFE OVER TO THE CARE OF MY HIGHER POWER.
Chinese tradition suggests how I live today, will set the model to how I live every day for the rest of the next year!!! So, I choose to move into gratitude, willingness, and open perception.
Thank you LIFE!!!
quoc@quoclam.com
MOMMY AND ME...
My Mom and my sisters took me out for an early birthday celebration this past Sunday, August 15, 2004. I don't have time or access to a computer to blog these days; consequently, I am unable to share with you the experiences and lessons I have been learning in these past days. I pray that this is only for a short period of time. In any case, I am doing ok... The drama of my life is falling to the wayside... I am learning that there are times when one is caught in the wake (the ones created by moving objects in the water), the best thing to do is just stay still and allow it to pass.
Thank you sisters' for the wonderful birthday cake! Thank you Mom for my birthday gift of dumbells and dinner at Sam Woo Restaurant. Thank you for the wonderful company!!! Thank you LIFE for the blessings that are in my life IN THIS GIVEN MOMENT!
Deeply thankful,
quoc@quoclam.com
"WHAT'S MY PART IN IT," SAYS MY SPONSOR
So, in calling my sponsor yesterday, he gave me a few suggestions and pointers. HAVE I SHARED HOW MUCH I LOVE MY SPONSOR?!?!?! This man keeps me in check! After listening to me babble, his first question to me was, "What is my part in all this! I really couldn't think of one.
Well, my sponsor continued to share the following: My part is after sharing with him that it wasn't that big of a deal and I had already set my boundary and had let it go, I went ahead and moved forward with sharing with the supervisor of what had happened. I did not want to because I did not want to cause for inflamed feelings and retaliation from someone who is already very very sore and walking on shaky grounds. My sponsor shared that I was manipulated by my co-workers who did want something done. It's ok to make a "selfish" decision and not report it in order to take care of my personal well being! It's ok to be completely selfish!!! In heeding to their suggestions, I ended up being "screwed" in the words of my sponsor. True!!! So, that is my part in it.
He also shared with me that if I had really "let the issue go" as I claimed, then I wouldn't still be stressed about it and manifesting these physical symptoms: feverish, throbbing head, shaking, frustrations, anger, and anxiety.
Here is the beautiful thing at 3:10 PM and a little before that... I have really pretty much accepted and released the situation over to my Higher Power. The TRUTH of the matter is that all this really has NOTHING to do with me. Yes, I got caught up in the wake of his negativity, and my extended discomfort was because I haven't sharpened my skill of just acknowledging and surrendering and releasing what is not mine... This negativity definitely isn't...
note to self: Program is about finding the truth and honoring that… truth within myself.. suggestions are but mere suggestions… I come first.. that is the golden word for the day… taking care of self is a very very honorable thing to do… vs. being the fallen hero.
I have high hopes that the next time I encounter an incident like this, it will not take multiple journal entries and episodes of up and down to get to a place of TRUTH and SERENITY. Progress not perfection. It takes me about 10 entries this time around... Next time perhaps 5... Next time after that, perhaps it will be but a neglible event.
For now, I move into gratitude that I am moving through this without having to resort to drugs, acting out in self-destructive behavior, or other acts that would further disrupt my "progress."
quoc@quoclam.com
15 HOURS LATER...
There is nothing better than the clarity of one's mind after a good nights rest after a sincere prayer to have God remove that which is toxic in my mind, body and surrounds my spirit. I wake up feeling refreshed, showered, and dressed in casual Friday clothing and off to work. It's a good day. I am thinking about all that has transpired in the day that past.
My greatest disappointment is how the interim Director did little to nothing to resolve the matter and furthermore, placed no measures to further antagonize the situation. I made a verbal request to be in the presence of a 3rd party at any given time the perpetrator is present. The interim Director questioned as to why I was uncomfortable being alone with the perpetrator.
Hmmm… Let’s see, I was verbally abused in the morning, then later in the afternoon informed (threatened) by said perpetrator that if I don’t take the time to discuss “what is going on” then he will move forward and file a sexual harassment case against me. There was nothing to discuss (as far as I was concerned). Before Perpetrator left, he informed me “last chance” before moving ahead and leaving for HR. So, of course I will not put myself in a position where I am alone with Perpetrator at any given time!
Point being, Perpetrator just filed a sexual harassment suit against me and Interim Director is asking why I am uncomfortable being in an enclosed facility with Perpetrator and no one else. I am disappointed at such a remark by Perpetrator!!!
This is a post reaction/realization that I have that I wished I could've responded to when Interim Director made that ludicrous remark!!!
Thankfully, I did protect all parties and further unwitnessed conflict by requesting for a third party present at all times when Perpetrator is present. This way, nothing is communicated between either myself or Perpetrator without a witness present!!! Nothing will be hearsay (am I using this term correctly? haha... Thanks Mr. Grisham!!!).
Anyway, I am ok in this given moment. I know in my heart where I am... I am in consciously in contact with my Higher Power and the two of us know the TRUTH of what has happened. All actions come to pass with consequences. Again, I go to bed with peace of mind. I pray for he who is acting maliciously; it's not even my place to judge whether he is sick or bad. All I need do is keep my side of the street clean and continue to keep my "house/temple" clean.
Thank you to all who continue to support me and keep me and all parties involved in their prayers.
quoc@quoclam.com
PPPS - MY HEALTH IS AT STAKE
Being HIV Positive, I realize my current status of stress is indeed not complimenting my compromised immune system! So, I must make that decision right now to do what I need to do to protect my own emotional, physical AND spiritual health! They are doing what they need to do without regard to my own personal health; I am the master of my own temple and know where I stand with it... All I need do is be still and feel whatever is within me. Right now, I feel stressed, jittery and anxiety. Shame? Guilt? All these are feelings I am experiencing as well, because I have been accustomed to having years of self-criticism and also being powerless over my disease which allowed and encouraged me to act on will that is selfish, self-seeking, and self-center.... Dishonesty, closeminded, and resistance are the qualities that I have held to be my truth.
Today, I am realizing a new TRUTH about myself! I know I am progressing because I am able to catch myself in times of self-destructive and not so healthy status' of mind. I am able right now to make the decision to no longer allow the situation which has already come to pass be a part of my present!!!
So, I pray and ask for my Higher Power's strength to give me willingness to do what is healthy for my own health and turn the rest over to my Higher Power that it may see to the balance of the universe around me. I need only be at peace within my own self.
quoc@quoclam.com
PPS - UNWANTED DRAMA!!!!
Argh... So, something that was sooo very small has completely escalated out of control!!! The whole office is involved now because of "speculation." My fellow staff have strongly encouraged me to approach the immediate supervisor regarding this matter of "verbal abuse." They feel for the safety of the office. I just called my sponsor and my sponsor feels that if I am ok with just setting a boundary and letting it go, then their feelings are something I do not have to take on. I do agree with their explanation as to why I need to approach the supervisor with regards to this matter. I just do not want to escalate anything more than it is... I don't know what to do!
My sponsor gave me an open-ended suggestion. I don't want to share because I do not want to be the straw that possibly causes for someone else to be fired. Sigh...
Anyway, the reason why I really wanted to do this PPS is to share how I am a true "sick" addict who is drawn to things that were a part of my recent past. I am by habit drawn to people who are not physically, emotionally, and spiritually well.
Anyway, I need to get back to work.
quoc@quoclam.com
POST-SCRIPT...
I just realized something... I keep an unwaivering rule about not having personal relations with anyone at work. I was not having a hard time behaving professionally around my co-worker who snapped at me this morning, but I was indeed powerless over my feelings of attractions to him.
Talk about God doing for me what I can't do for myself! This conflict totally extinguished the attraction. It had gone from a physical attraction with some attractions to his personality, but my observation of his degrading and very very unstable manner of coping with life has compelled me to take one step away with each incident. In this given moment, I feel a sense of relief that I can genuinely treat him as but another colleague and no more!
It only took an act that allowed me to be blessed with my no-longer conflicting day to day routine of being professional and not "feel" attraction towards another co-worker!
Thank you God!
Quoc@quoclam.com
GOT A CHEAP SHOT FROM A CO-WORKER! OUCH!
Ouch!!! My co-worker (to whom I HAD a crush on) came into work late this morning; so he was already in a bad mood. He has been going through personal issues too, so I am sure that doesn't help. On top of that, he is running on a short fuse... So, this morning, I was the easiest and only target for him to vent on... He had made a cd for me and various other people; he asked if I listened to it... I said not yet...
Ahem... He responds by saying, "that's typical, people like you are f*cking lame." It took me a moment to actually realize that he took a shot at me. I did not respond. Then he continued, "people send you a card, you read it, same with the cd; not opening it is a way of saying F.U." He went on to share that out of all the people he shared these cds with, that only one individual took the time to listen to it.
I responded: "I did not do that to spite you; that was really offensive." That is all I said. There is a solution; I will be calling my sponsor, I of course don't have my Big Book to read page 449 (on acceptance), and realizing that this was not a direct personal attack. It felt like it, but he is just misdirecting anger. Thankfully, I have done that before and understand the feeling behind that.
So, what do I do? Not take it personally (very hard, I am shaking from anger of that remark at me). I want to just tell everyone in the office about what just occurred; that would be immature. Give thanks that I have progressed and know to cope and handle situations in a civil and health manner for all parties involved, ESPECIALLY ME!!! I would very very much like to "push his face in" (in the words of Reverend Kristin).
Anyway, I am sooo thankful for this remarkable change in response! I shared how I felt, set a boundary and let it go. I want him to apologize, but I am already moving towards owning my part and allowing God deal the results. I am able to relate to what really struck a chord in me and not react and fire artillery back at him!!!
So, move on... Do not rent free emotional space to him. He is hurt, I do not have to be taken hostage by him and feed into this. I also do not have to have the sense of ENTITLEMENT, the doesn't he know who I am; how can he say something like that to sweet ol' me, Quoc!!! Oh yeah, thank you Higher Power; this given incident was not about me. It was about another person who is in a bad mood just misdirect his frustrations and anger at me.
I am doing better in letting it go now, but no I am not perfect; I am still upset at that remark. It was not called for!!! Again, that part of me that is vengeful really wants to return the favor 3 fold, but what would that accomplish... Pray for him and also wish that he finds peace and solution to whatever he is going through. Treat him with kindness and support, WITHOUT sacrificing my own peace of mind and emotional health.
I just needed to vent.
quoc@quoclam.com
DEJA VU
Holy mother of God!!! What an experience I had this evening. I went ahead and went from work to be of service at the Van Ness House from 6 PM - 11 PM. Amazing experience. I was greeted by "L", "F", and "K" ---> the first person at the Van Ness House to admit me into the house about 14 1/2 months ago!!! Craziness! This time around, I was able to just come on in and be a part of the solution and be of service! I never really anticipated the experience that I had... I am totally humbled! I saw a beautiful thing! I saw a bunch of people, beautiful people, in the rooms with very little sobriety really showing how tired they are of being out there! I didn't really see gratitude for being in the rooms, but I saw crisp and clear how they did not want to be out there anymore! My head has been telling me to go out there and do it one more time! Tonight really did not help. What I experienced from doing the 4th step in the house with a bunch of people who just recently came from the streets and from using drugs really messed with my head telling me how I've been missing out on some really good sex and how I could've just been more assertive and aggressive in getting the guys I really wanted to be with in the Sex Clubs or bath houses... People who are just horny and want to get off.. I don't think I am a half bad looking person.
Sigh... anyway, I really wanted some attention and didn't really get any at all. There is a solution. I was able to do some more of my 4th step, talk to a couple people in the house and be of service and also see and hear where they just came from!
Just wanted to take the time to share that.. I am very very blessed!
quoc@quoclam.com
EVENING AT HOME...
I feel bummed right now. What all happened today? Well, just feeling listless... Work came and went. I paid for a lot of the expenditures for this month's Staff birthday luncheon. It's my birthday; they don't even know about it... It is a nice thing I did for them just because. It's a way to celebrate the blessings of having a belly button birthday come up!!! Anyway, I went home right after work. I was tired! I got home and showered and got ready to go to my therapy appointment. By 6:45 PM I had some time left and ended up putting on Star Trek Voyager and then decided to call my Therapist and cancel on tonight's appointment... I watched t.v. until 10 PM. It was alright... I made some noodle dinner for myself. Then all of a sudden, I am feeling lonely and listless... Sigh...
Crazy how I am aye? Thankfully, these lows and highs remind me that I am human... That I have feelings... That life is indeed precious and very fleeting. I must carpe diem! Anyway, I called a few people back. I haven't been answering the phone today at all.. Sigh...
So, passes another day... I made a conscious decision to just take the evening off for myself! That was nice! Now I am learning to just not feel guilty about taking time off for myself. That is just as important as a priority for myself as working the fourth step or doing my chores or scheduling things into my calendar.
I know that I am taken care of! I am thankful for that! I have a very full tomorrow ahead of me. I will be working my regular shift and then volunteering at the Van Ness Recovery House as stand-in staff for the evening from 6 PM - 11:30 PM! I am either going to find a motel to rest in afterward or pay my roomie to pick me up and take me home after my shift is over.
I give thanks for yet another extraordinarily ORDINARY day for an addict like myself who was accustomed to chaos in the mind or physically... Today, my health is good...
I give thanks... I pray for those who return to the rooms to stay this time around... Those who are out there to find whatever they need to bring motivation and incentive to do something to bring about peace of mind in their life as my current process in life has been blessing me with... I just give thanks...
Thankfully,
Quoc@quoclam.com
A MOMENT FOR YOURSELF; YES... YOU.
The following link was sent to me by a friend who travels along a spiritual path I am privileged to share. Thank you Jesse.
Now for you, yes you, reading these very words I write... Take a deep cleansing breath and check out the link below...
click here:
http://www.positivepause.com/
Cheers,
Quoc@quoclam.com
CATAPULTING FORWARD!!!
So, not only has the computer at my sober living been occupied, but the computer at work was completely disabled as well... Boy does that render my capability to blog! Argh!!! There is sooo very much happening on a day to day basis too! That is a very very wonderful thing!
I titled today's entry as CATAPULTING because I feel like I am on a diving board and I am basically jumping up and down on the springboard building momentum with every knee-bend and arm-swing. I have yet to take that leap and dive off the board and move into complete kinetic status, but a whole lot of potential energy is sure building up for a great launch (great can be interpretted as bad or good, but that is not up to me; it's up to my Higher Power).
So, here is a brief highlight of what has been cookin' in my life! As of yesterday, I have been moving towards doing the footwork in hopes of effecting solution from not having access to a computer; dealing with people at my sober living; more and more frustrations of not having a vehicle; and really wanting to move towards amends to bring peace of mind into my life... What are they? I have initiated searching on the internet for ads of people seeking roomates. I will be posting ads myself as time progresses. I called Legal Services and set an appointment with an attorney to discuss my process of dissolving my deep financial debt. I called Project New Hope and reinitiated my interest in assisted housing options. Last Friday, I signed up for benefits with my work! Yayee!!! I hit my 3 month mark with AIDS Healthcare Foundation as of 8/3/04. Yippee! Yet another blessing/miracle of staying in sobriety one day at a time!!! I have been much more assertive in providing "written" correspondences setting boundaries with people. That is a big step for me! I am doing more and more to self-love, self-care and self-please and be honest with others as to where I am!!! If I am not going to take care of myself, likelihood is no one else will!!!
I am continuing my stepwork, being of service, going to meetings, calling my sponsor, and fellowshipping. I have been doing MY part and learning to be ok with my part and whatever happens will happen!!!
Gotta get back to work! Life is really happening in my life though... Like I said, what I am doing is watering the seeds that have been planted... Now it is out of my hands as to WHEN and IF the seeds of my life will blossom for me. It is up to my Higher Power. I am only responsible for doing my part! I give thanks that I GET to do this!
quoc@quoclam.com
VISUAL AID!!! IT'S A FIRST!!!
Quoc (on your left) and his partner in crime Art (on your right) posing for a picture at the Governor's State Office taken from Quoc's cell phone. This political pair is just a couple of an entourage of people from AIDS Healthcare Foundation waiting to speak to a Representative of California's Governor to exempt HIV/AIDS specialty pharmacies from the Medi-Cal pharmaceutical price reductions before the Governor signs the budget on Saturday, July 31, 2004. DATED: Friday, July 30, 2004.
THURSDAY AUGUST 5, 2004
Lots and lots happening, but not having a computer to access at my sober living is hindering my daily web log efforts. This past week has been like the Goliath ride in Magic Mountain!!! Up and down and up and down and up and down... etc... I will stay in the moment and just report the most recent events and any "major" highlights from this past week!
Highlights from past week:
- both my sponsees unwilling to call me daily; making efforts to not take it personally and understand that they are sick and moreover, unwilling to go to any lengths to stay clean and sober. I must read "acceptance" from the Big Book and remember that all I am responsible for is my sobriety and the on-goings of my life; things are done in G.O.D.'s way and G.O.D.'s time, not mine.
- I highlighted my hair (earlier in the week) and dyed it blue/black (last night) on each evening that I have been working on my 4th step! Yep, no different than an exorcism! I am doing things to grow my sobriety and my life coping mechanism and my disease is spinning it's head and throwing fits and throwing all kinds of distractions to derail me from my journey. As it is shared in the rooms; at any given moment, I am moving towards or away from recovery! What may seem to be moving away from recovery because I am feeling a rollercoaster of emotions in extreme magnitudes definitely is not indicative of "relapse" mode!!! This time, I am confident, that I am moving forward!! These are indeed "GROWING PAINS."
- Therapy session from this past Tuesday was really really emotionally overwhelming! I was deep in self-loathe, self-pity, felt ugly, wanted to act out and have sex in a bathroom stall or at the sex club, felt worthless as a sobering member, shameful of having using thoughts knowing what the consequences are and just felt "POWERLESS." Step 1, yeah, I got that down pat!!! What did I do? I called "J" and called my sponsor and called a couple other people, got some direction, went directly home and prayed and went to sleep!
- I have been doing a better job with setting boundaries when people overstep them! I.e. - when my sponsee is not willing to help himself, then I can't help them. When neighboring room knocked on my room, I shared with them not to do so and that was rude. I was ok with cutting the conversation short with "L's" friend on Tuesday, when he was totally cold, condescending and NOT sympathetic of my discomfort and lack of luck with fellowshipping with other people. I just was diplomatic, said I did not understand where he was coming from and clearly he had something I wanted and let it go at that when he just totally said the idea that I didn't know how to fellowship was "stupid." OUCH! Eitherway, I know my TRUTH and am ok with it; the only person that needs to accept and be ok with it is myself. I will be telling my friend "L" that I have a rule of not loaning money out to anyone; it makes me uncomfortable and I need to share that I am not comfortable with that and I need to take care of myself first and foremost!
Yesterday:
Worked, had a good day, then went home to pick up my dry cleaning; this act really felt good having freshly dry-cleaned clothes!!! I got home to call a few people and then have some food, then started working on my 4th step again... I turned off the cell phone and DID MY BEST to do the 4th step undistracted... What kind of distractions came up and was conjured from my very very cunning baffling and powerful disease? I dyed my hair blue-black, I did my laundry, I played with my flying saucer, and I chatted with the guys in the house and ate a couple times. Either way, all and all, it was a successful sitting from 7 pm - 10:30 pm. It must've been emotionally draining, because I ended up sleeping in til 7:50 AM this morning before totally throwing my clothes on and running out the door to get to work on-time. I did! Phew...
Anyway, life is moving along... I could've slipped and relapsed, but I didn't. I could've gone out and acted out, but I didn't. I worked my 4th step and did not let my disease' efforts derail me or at least I am willing to refocus every time my disease tries to defocus me. I am coming to work and doing my work. I am of service. I am going to meetings. I am calling my sponsor. I am willing. I am feeling and ok with it. I am not withdrawing from life. I am living life on life's terms, one day at a time and just continuing to feel and stay in action... Work through the feelings... Acknowledge the feelings and work through them; especially now when everything is very very raw and new...
By the way, I just realized my queaziness is no longer!!! Yayee!!! I don't even remember when that happened. I am doing ok and will stay off my meds. I am still doing ok!!! I am ok just for today.
That's it!!! Thank you all for your patience, love and understanding... thoughts, prayers and support!!!
THANK YOU!!
quoc@quoclam.com
DOPELESS HOPEFIEND
I love what the speaker at last evening's meeting shared.
