Quoc's Web Journal

THURSDAY AUGUST 5, 2004

Lots and lots happening, but not having a computer to access at my sober living is hindering my daily web log efforts. This past week has been like the Goliath ride in Magic Mountain!!! Up and down and up and down and up and down... etc... I will stay in the moment and just report the most recent events and any "major" highlights from this past week!

Highlights from past week:

- both my sponsees unwilling to call me daily; making efforts to not take it personally and understand that they are sick and moreover, unwilling to go to any lengths to stay clean and sober. I must read "acceptance" from the Big Book and remember that all I am responsible for is my sobriety and the on-goings of my life; things are done in G.O.D.'s way and G.O.D.'s time, not mine.

- I highlighted my hair (earlier in the week) and dyed it blue/black (last night) on each evening that I have been working on my 4th step! Yep, no different than an exorcism! I am doing things to grow my sobriety and my life coping mechanism and my disease is spinning it's head and throwing fits and throwing all kinds of distractions to derail me from my journey. As it is shared in the rooms; at any given moment, I am moving towards or away from recovery! What may seem to be moving away from recovery because I am feeling a rollercoaster of emotions in extreme magnitudes definitely is not indicative of "relapse" mode!!! This time, I am confident, that I am moving forward!! These are indeed "GROWING PAINS."

- Therapy session from this past Tuesday was really really emotionally overwhelming! I was deep in self-loathe, self-pity, felt ugly, wanted to act out and have sex in a bathroom stall or at the sex club, felt worthless as a sobering member, shameful of having using thoughts knowing what the consequences are and just felt "POWERLESS." Step 1, yeah, I got that down pat!!! What did I do? I called "J" and called my sponsor and called a couple other people, got some direction, went directly home and prayed and went to sleep!

- I have been doing a better job with setting boundaries when people overstep them! I.e. - when my sponsee is not willing to help himself, then I can't help them. When neighboring room knocked on my room, I shared with them not to do so and that was rude. I was ok with cutting the conversation short with "L's" friend on Tuesday, when he was totally cold, condescending and NOT sympathetic of my discomfort and lack of luck with fellowshipping with other people. I just was diplomatic, said I did not understand where he was coming from and clearly he had something I wanted and let it go at that when he just totally said the idea that I didn't know how to fellowship was "stupid." OUCH! Eitherway, I know my TRUTH and am ok with it; the only person that needs to accept and be ok with it is myself. I will be telling my friend "L" that I have a rule of not loaning money out to anyone; it makes me uncomfortable and I need to share that I am not comfortable with that and I need to take care of myself first and foremost!

Yesterday:

Worked, had a good day, then went home to pick up my dry cleaning; this act really felt good having freshly dry-cleaned clothes!!! I got home to call a few people and then have some food, then started working on my 4th step again... I turned off the cell phone and DID MY BEST to do the 4th step undistracted... What kind of distractions came up and was conjured from my very very cunning baffling and powerful disease? I dyed my hair blue-black, I did my laundry, I played with my flying saucer, and I chatted with the guys in the house and ate a couple times. Either way, all and all, it was a successful sitting from 7 pm - 10:30 pm. It must've been emotionally draining, because I ended up sleeping in til 7:50 AM this morning before totally throwing my clothes on and running out the door to get to work on-time. I did! Phew...

Anyway, life is moving along... I could've slipped and relapsed, but I didn't. I could've gone out and acted out, but I didn't. I worked my 4th step and did not let my disease' efforts derail me or at least I am willing to refocus every time my disease tries to defocus me. I am coming to work and doing my work. I am of service. I am going to meetings. I am calling my sponsor. I am willing. I am feeling and ok with it. I am not withdrawing from life. I am living life on life's terms, one day at a time and just continuing to feel and stay in action... Work through the feelings... Acknowledge the feelings and work through them; especially now when everything is very very raw and new...

By the way, I just realized my queaziness is no longer!!! Yayee!!! I don't even remember when that happened. I am doing ok and will stay off my meds. I am still doing ok!!! I am ok just for today.

That's it!!! Thank you all for your patience, love and understanding... thoughts, prayers and support!!!

THANK YOU!!

quoc@quoclam.com

posted by Quoc @ 9:09 AM              E-mail me!