Quoc's Web Journal

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU DID... IT'S WHAT YOU DIDN'T DO...

That is what I heard myself share (with the help of my wonderful therapist) this evening... I was sharing about this past weeks events... How I celebrated my birthday for myself; my visiting my father in the hospice care/hospital this past Sunday; the phone call I received from Uncle Phat (one of Mom's friends); how a co-worker showed what being "classy" is about; how I visited with a great guy just in passing...

What to tackle first... What I have been hearing all week long from "life" is share what is really going on with me and how I really feel. I need not justify anything or sugar-coat and look at the "brighter" side of things. When I am troubled or feeling, it's good to pause, acknowledge the feelings that come from whatever just occurred. Tonight, I was better about just sharing with the therapist about what I was really feeling with the events that revolved around my visiting my father and the expectations that were placed on me as well as the ones (the heaviest ones) that were placed on myself! So, let's go from my feelings of uselessness from visiting my father, because my sister's boyfriend knew to do certain things in caring for my own father than myself! Then, I didn't think of speaking with the nurse about how my dad was doing... I then had a flashback to times in my past where I felt useless and powerless and paralyzed in doing things... Of when my father's gambling really hurt my feelings... How my sister was clinging onto me when Mom was going crazy putting her head through a window, Mom hammering my Dad's hand, or Mom running around acting crazy (with a meat cleavor) and threatening to leave the family for good... Always coming back to the house because of Grandma, not because of us, her kids... I didn't feel important enough for Mom to wanna stay around. Like my therapist said, I felt in the way... I didn't feel like I belonged there, I was wanted there, nor was I wanted there. I had all kinds of fears while my Mom was going crazy, but I had to comfort my scared sister... She had someone to cling onto and share her feelings and cry; I had to be there to comfort her and tell her that Mom was coming back and that things were going to be ok and not show any emotions that would scare my sister. I didn't have the chance to be scared; I wanted very much to grab onto a big brother or a big sister and cry and share that I was scared of being left alone and unloved... These kinds of events were ilicited by my father's action when he gambled...

Feelings of powerlessness came from when my father took a fall and went into cardiac arrest. I recounted the experience with my therapist the evening when that occurred, how my sister made multiple calls desperately getting help from me because Dad was not breathing, then one message after another updating me about her calling 911 and training Mom how to give CPR to Dad, how they went to Harbor UCLA, then the feelings of complete and utter disappointment with me for falling through the one time my cell phone's purpose was actually used for: an emergency and I was not prepared to answer the phone call... What was I doing instead? Hooking up with some guy doing goodness knows what... Feelings of shame? Absolutely!!!!

Lots of fear about holding my Dad's hands because of the cultural aspect that a son would not hold his father's hands... Then there is the fear that if I held my father's hands, that it may mean that I actually care for this man and whatever feelings would come out of that. I don't know... All I know is that I am truly paralyzed with fear whenever I stand there looking into Dad's hollow desperate eyes... It's just not any person... Perhaps I should try treating him like just any person... I would take that persons hand and hold it... I would talk to that individual...

Clearly, this is disconcerting, because I am really quiet tonight... All the guys here at the sober living are asking why I am sooo quiet and if I am ok. I am thankful that people notice and people care.

The other thing is that darn phone call from Uncle Phat calling me an ingrate, or calling to pressure me into visiting Dad, or come over to water the plants, and just huffing and puffing and making those familiar sounds of utter disgust, disappointment and disapproval that I haven't heard in a long time. Oh the feelings that really brought up!!!

I learned from a co-worker that shared with me by being an example of how sexy comes from within; how love for self truly radiates from within... I do NOT need to act, look or communicate in a certain way to show what kind of person I am.... The only person that needs to know is ME!!! How he is able to be sooo comfortable with himself that he doesn't need to flaunt anything in order to be acknowledged for anything... He knows it for himself!!! Cool!!!

This past evening, I was able to go out to dinner with my friend "J." He shares how he's been reading my web-log and knows more about me than he shared about knowing about me. Neither did I share about my HIV status with him nor did I share about all the trials and tribulations I have really gone through... In reading the events that have transpired in my life... He still wanted to get to know me, he still wanted to hang out with me, he did not judge me as a bad seed, or a bad person, or someone who is weak and undesirable... He shared sentiments of admiration, hope, support, encouragement and love... WOW...

So, each day that passes by, I realize that just being myself is ok... There are times when I get checked on not knowing how to discern my work from my personal... OK... Progress not perfection.... So others don't see it... They call me on it and have expectations. What I know is the progress I am making in my life!!! Each and every day that passes by for me clean and sober is in itself an AMAZING FEAT!!! More so, I am willing to make mistakes, continue to grow and little by little make incremental CHANGES in my life and improve... Yes indeed I have improved with the assistance of my sponsor, therapist, the meetings, experience in itself, the grace of my higher power and of course I give credit for myself for being WILLING to continue to move/stumble forward one day at a time...

I realize that the writing I did in today's entry is very very broken apart and fragmented in thoughts... I am honoring the fact that I am writing this journal for my benefit... I am utilizing this as one of the tools for self love, self nurture, and self care... I reserve the right to act in a manner that bolsters and supports for a healthier self!!! I do not need to explain to anyone else!!!

And so I end... it's late... I have to get to sleep, take my 2nd day's worth of new HIV meds, pray, brush my teeth and rest up for another full day of work... I pray and trust and give thanks to my higher power to move me out of sober living and into a living environment I will find some peace, love, solace and a place I may comfortably call home...

With deep appreciation for another day clean and sober and "growth,"

quoc@quoclam.com

posted by Quoc @ 11:05 PM              E-mail me!