Quoc's Web Journal

MY FEET FEEL PRETTY

Shimmering above are the results of pampered feet!

Haha... What a week! What a weekend! This is what I call livin'!!! Life has been moving!!!

I have a new sponsee; his limited ability (not very limited actually) to speak english has allowed me to really take the time to explain things in the big book! In doing so, I am understanding the big book word for word, sentence for sentence. I am also learning to listen and interpret much more attentively. I am also learning the best answer and response I can give my sponsee is to relate those feelings and experiences he is going through WITH MY OWN EXPERIENCE AND WHAT HAS WORKED FOR ME. Talk of theory is way too difficult to grasp! Both of us wanna hear what is really going on and talk about what is really going on... Talk about God doing for me what I can't do for myself! Thank you Life!!!

Just highlights for this weekend as to the blessings of what has been really going on...

I have been listening to Reverend Kristin and her services on the new cd format! Yayeee!!! It has really allowed me to meditate each day on my way to work and listen to some of the messages of "Spirit." This message is always the same... It's just worded differently each time and with different anecdotes. I find great appreciation in Reverend Kristin's astounding ability to put a twist to each week's services to deliver the message of HONORING THE TRUTH OF WHO I AM IN THIS GIVEN MOMENT. She did a great reading of Dr. Seus on life and the journey taken up on life with shoes full of feet and head full of brains.

I have been able to share candidly with the Director of my work environment on what has been really going on with me and the department. These are all new steps that I am taking. What came out was beautiful! The Director eloquently related to how I felt, as well as the rest of the department, acknowledge the low morale given the few but very very overwhelming events that have transpired over the past few weeks. It's a matter of "keeping the eye on the ball" as the Director says. To really see the forest and the greater picture of where I want to be with the expanding department!

Relating this to my recovery, I am able to appreciate the imperfections of my human expectations verses the divine process of Life. Life answered my prayers to have a difficult situation removed from my presence as well as answer the prayer that I have been making against the person I had "vengeful" feelings towards. He got promoted and move across to the Main Office. He was not fired. I WANTED to look at it as reward for the wrongs that were committed against me (verbally abusing me first, then filing sexual harrassment against me). In trusting Life, I understand that things do not happen in God's world by mistake!!! Trust the process and when I take the time to evaluate what is really going on in my world disregarding anyone else around me I find myself taken care of.... Whatever will happen to the other person is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. The challenges I faced have indeed been removed. Now, it's just the emotional space I CHOOSE to reside in at each given moment. Again, by the grace of my Higher Power, I am able to move progressively towards ACCEPTANCE that I am taken care of and not to focus on anything outside of what I really need taken care of. Thank you my friend in sobriety D.J. and thank you Life. I am willing to experience, share what I am going through with someone else and stay open-minded enough to respond with the suggestion that was given (not my own ideas).

Tuesday evening, I was able to have dinner with someone very special that I have known since early in my sobriety but never really took the time to spend time with. Well, on the week before he was due to leave for New York, we finally MADE time to visit with one another... I had reservations about sharing my HIV status for fear of rejection. I had reservations of sharing about what is really going on in my life for FEAR that the drama in my life would be way too much for anyone to want to hang around... I came to find out that he's been reading my web-logs and has been keeping up with everything that has been going on in my life. In light of that fact, I was totally touched that he still wanted to be around me despite my being HIV positive and that I am living a life full of challenges. Apparently, it's just challenges and not the played up and built up image of "DRAMA" that my head is ashamed of sharing... Haha... Wow!!! Goes to show that people will still love me just the way that I am and exactly where I am... I found yet another kindred spirit in my life. Thank you Joshua!!! I wish you the best in your endeavors out in New York! Thank you for showing me that I am worth spending time with and a worthy person just living with HIV and coping with living life on life's terms.

Thursday evening, I was happy to do my last evening of a 6 month commitment that I picked up back in February/March! Wow!!! How much I have grown since picking up the secretary commitment!!! Wow... I am humbled and feel privileged to have been of service and blessed with another tool to stay clean and sober and get some people I really wanted to hear the stories of strength, hope and experience from.

What did I do Friday evening? Went and visited the first roomate situation in North Hollywood. Great location, alright place, but iffy roomates. They seem hesitant about having someone gay live with them. It is suggested I don't take that chance. I agree.

Saturday? I went to 3rd and Fairfax to get my toe-nails pedicured and my hand parafined. Wow... My feel indeed "feel pretty" as suggested by the person who pampered my feet! I then took my sponsor's direction to take care of myself and do nice things for myself. I bought a pair of jeans, a yoga matt, and some farm fresh tomatoes. I had a blast spending time with me and just relaxing!

It took me 2 hours to make it to yet another potential roomate situation. Again, the place was close to work, but the room was very very makeshift and the bathroom very very compact, and the energy not quite there. I just didn't feel I was able to call that place home. I am hoping that I will know when I find that place I can call home in the next step up from sober living to more independent living... Yet another transition in my life... All the meanwhile doing my fourth step!!! I had lunch at CJr. and then trekked over to the LA Gay and Lesbian Center and posted a index card ad for a roomate... Basically doing all the footwork in hopes of finding my next home...

By now, I am exhausted and went home for a nap til 5:30 PM/6 PM when I prepared for an evening with my friend "B" to the Hollywood Bowl. What a phenomenal evening!!! The trip there was totally smooth. I just trusted that we'd get there; things would work out... TRUST. I have a lot of trust in the PROCESS and my HIGHER POWER. My friend was trippin' a bit about getting up there and expected challenges, but we found great parking and was transported by shuttle directly to the bowl! Wahoo!!! We had dinner and watched Maestro John Williams conduct the LA Philharmonics to scores from "HIS CREATIONS." I was totally blown away by the audience, then by the scores that I recognized. Just to name a few: Olympics, Superman, E.T., Indiana Jones, Star Wars, Harry Potter, etc... Wow!!!

The next day I did my laundry and trekked on over to the Van Ness Recovery House to spend time with fellow alumni and residents to watch the musical Hairspray at the Pantages!!! Yet another wonderful treat!!! Thereafter, we had dinner as a group, afterwhich, I spent time visiting with my sponsee. We talked about page 417 in the fourth edition of the Big Book of Sobriety. I was thankful to be of service; that was my meeting!

Home I went feeling physically ailing, coughing, and headachy... I rested from 7 - 1o PM and have been typing in my journal, but romancing going to the sex club and getting off with some physical attention!!! But I managed to just kill the time journalizing and going over this weeks blessed events!!!

Thank you life... I managed not only to stay clean and sober for another week, but embark upon another journey of finding another home for myself. I worry of where and how I am going to find a bed for the new living arrangement I hope to find in the next few days/weeks. I am able to experience the feelings and challenges of life and grow from each one while managing to stay clean and sober one day at a time. I am able to relate big time to the feelings of those I call in my support group and listen as well as share about my experiences and growing with each other. LIFE IS GRAND!!!

Life is happening! Most importantly, I GET to really enjoy this because I have honored my primary purpose, to stay clean and sober one day at a time and to continue to work the steps and build that foundation which calls for a conscious contact with my Higher Power. Everything else will fall into place.

There is one thing I am powerless and need help in; I will pray on it tonight... How my Mom and sisters have been away and I did not visit my father in the hospice care this past week. I have been living a full life. I have been avoiding my father; yes there is some shame in my worth and usefulness in his presence. He is being taken care of by my sisters friends and other loved ones. I guess the best I can do is show up when I can and make myself available. That is enough. I will not beat myself up for not visiting my father this week. I will take the experiences that I have gained thusfar in life and continue living in the present moving foward with living in the moment one day/hour at a time!!!

I am very curious as to how many on-lookers I have following my life... I do encourage you to just post a comment... You are very special in my life... You are the very entities that I interact with that makes my life interesting and allows for me to share the experiences that go on... Eitherway, thank you for your support... Share this log with other people.. I truly encourage you to share your experiences, share my experiences... This is what makes life grand... How we spend our living moments...

TRULY THANKFUL,

quoc@quoclam.com

posted by Quoc @ 10:00 PM              E-mail me!