"BEING A REAL MAN..."
"Being a real man is choosing to deal with my anxieties in a healthy manner." That came fresh out of my ears passed on from a wonderful friend of mine... Makes sense to me...
ORPHAN...
Feeling like an orphan... I practically pleaded with my baby sister to consider hanging out with me in the next week or so... I told her I would burst into tears if I didn't get to see her soon... I am sooo homesick... There is no home to go to... My heart is aching and breaking again... I don't quite know how to mend this... I really really miss Mom... Something feels really really empty and sad...
I could either adapt or do self-destructive, self loathing and not so self healthy things... It could be as simple as depriving myself of sleep; gormandizing myself on food; acting out sexually; not letting people get closer to me than just arms length... I don't want to adapt and create a new family... I want my family back and cracking jokes in chinese and laughing til tears streamed down all of our faces and having good home cooked food at home... and just just... BEING HOME...
I feel homeless... family-less... lost because this year I don't get to experience what I have had for over 27 years of my life, the nurture, care, love and knowledge of my Mom and family's presence... It seems extinguished...
Nevertheless, I continue trudging, doing stepwork... Today, I tackled "people pleasing and perfectionism." Yeah, big big ones!!! I get to work on self pleasing and self loving and moderation and progress and appreciating the process and seeing self as no better than anyone else and therefore not subject myself to a higher standard of emotional capability to manage challenging situations or expect perfection doing things for the first time...
I need help... This is going to be a challenging holiday season... It's a month away from being over... I will stay vigilant... I need your help... I need your love... I need your support... I ask for your help, love, and support...
Melancholy just for now, but willing to change slowly... feel the feelings, but stay in action and progress....
Quoc
DO I LOVE YOU ENOUGH...
"DO I LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO HEAR AND NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?" OR AM I SOOO AFRAID OF YOUR JUDGING ME THAT I AM WILLING TO WATCH YOU WALK INTO THE PITFALLS OF LIFE THAT I SEE FROM AN OUTSIDE PERSPECTIVE?
Do you love me enough to tell me what I need to hear and not be selfish, disengenuious and fearful and tell me what I want to hear?
"I HOPE THAT ONE DAY I AM BRAVE AND COURAGEOUS ENOUGH AND LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH TO ASK FOR WHAT I WANT, WHAT I LIKE, WHAT I DESIRE IN THE BED CHAMBERS." I have been subjecting self to behavior that I don't like, but I don't love self enough to speak up and share honestly about what is ok with me and what is not for fear that you won't want me... Then all of a sudden my diseased mind will tell me that if I share honestly, that person will not want to be with me and leave me and worst yet, this person who may leave me is the last person I will ever be with... Am I willing to ask God for help in not believing this false story that I tell myself when I am intimate with you?
Ask me if you want to know what I like and don't like... Allow me the opportunity to practice sharing and expressing myself honestly... to be genuine, authentic and let those who appreciate the authentic me into my life...
More growth... I hope I am willing to fill this new space that God has helped me create...
Quoc
POST THANKSGIVING DEBRIEFING
Gotta be brief... It's late... I am tired... There is still much to do... Wanted to check in with you lovely people! Here is a brief debrief:
Had a really depressing Thanksgiving... I slept 1/2 of it away... I spent the rest of the afternoon at a couple recovery houses then at the West Hollywood Recovery Center... and concluded the evening with my regular meeting at the recovery house. That makes 10 hours spent with my adopted fellowship family. No natal family celebration... It was most difficult celebrating my first Thanksgiving without any of my natal family members...
I have been acting out sexually... It has not been healthy... I have been placing self and others at risk... I am glad I caught that and got back to basics of praying twice a day; throwing self harder into helping another recovering member; doing stepwork; going to meetings; really staying active while at my meetings; and saying yes to any recovery related request so as to quiet the imperious urge to answer that call of desire for insatiable sex to just numb out... I think I am ok again...
This weekend, my visit with the therapist yielded the conclusion that I am afraid of people getting close to me because you'd abandon me... I am learning to redefine and rediscover who I am without my Mother there and honoring my feelings and intuitive feelings and thoughts and experiences... I doubt my ability to be of service rather that anything I conjure up in my head will be damaging... I am no longer that newcomer that knows nothing about recovery.... I do have experience about how to manage a host of challenging issues in life, from grief, to job searching, to romance, to interpersonal relations at work and in my personal life... I know what action needs to take place in order to stay clean, serene, and spiritually fit one more day... These are just a few of the invaluable experiences that I can share... Alas, I doubt my ability to articulate it in a fashion that would be beneficial to the party that is asking for help or may need that pointer...
I withdraw from speaking from my heart for fear of being judged or fear of causing harm rather than help... There is a lot of insecurity going on...
Part of it is the Holiday season without the family... Another part is my continued growth through the steps... Another part is the change in responsibilities with my job... Another is my challenges in playing the dating and mating game... Argh... I am sooo green!!!
God says I am exactly where I am supposed to be and that I have grown from each experience and that makes each experience no matter how painful or undesirable to have merit... I hopefully will not repeat that action that is harmful to self and others and also find that I may repeat some things that are helpful, hopeful, and loving to self and others...
I have been "disconnected" and "distant." My sponsor suggests that I stay vigilant. I understand... To my friends and family, thank you for your phone calls and e-mails and thoughts and prayers and just good vibes... I am receiving them... I need them... I am thankful I have the opportunity to receive and accept the love you offer me and I hope you will be patient with me in accepting and embracing the love and appreciation that I have for each and everyone of you...
I am not doing anything perfectly... There are people that I owe amends to because I haven't called them; and they have been nothing but completely there for me when I needed them the most... Thank you for your patience...
I will keep you posted with more... I am doing ok today... I want to give back to the world... I want that peace of mind within myself knowing that I have been of service and of value to someone somewhere each and everyday...
Just here,
Quoc
STRAIGHT FOR ONE NIGHT...
So, what an amazing past week... The daily prayers that I have been making in conjunction with willingness to stay in action and do the footwork has afforded me the opportunity to really live a life not just surrounding recovery... I had the privilege of going out to dinner with a co-worker out in Pasadena... That was lovely! Then, I got to go dancing with my lovely friend at a straight club Friday evening... Then, I got to go to a party with a date and spend the night with him... Then I woke to go hang out with a sober friend; we had breakfast, chatted, watched Harry Potter at the theater in Universal City, then headed into Universal Studios and spent the beautiful afternoon riding Jurassic Park and The Mummy Ride.... It was nice...
I have managed to squeeze all this into my recovery and not the other way around... It is suggested that I squeeze my life into my recovery and not my recovery into my life, for it is recovery that has brought me the life and all its blessings.
There have been a couple challenges that I have been facing in the past week... One is trying to remember the perfection of my progress.... My therapist and I worked on discovering my fear of being less than perfect. I have this false belief that I am damaged goods... I strive to do everything perfect the first time, because failing to project perfection in my relationship with my family, my performance at work, my performance in bed with someone, my performance with being a sponsor and sponsee, ad infinitum.... you will discover the truth of what I believe I am... DAMAGED GOODS.
That is why I am sooo fearful of making a mistake; you'll see me as a mistake. That is why I am afraid of doing stupid things; you'll see me as stupid. So, in recovery, one gets to uncover, discover, discard the defects and recover the assets. I am in the uncover stages. There is much work to be done in resolving this false sense of self that I have identified with for sooo many years. Perhaps, I will never be rid of this negative self chatter...
As you probably know, I have been trying my luck with the dating and mating ritual... It has been fun... Alas, I made a big mistake a couple nights ago. Suffice it to say, I discovered yet more character defects which gave me permission to place myself in a position of doing something I did not enjoy, settle for no reciprocation of affection, place self at risk of long term physical harm to my already compromised immune system and see my self worth as less than that of the person I was spending time with.
I am sooo immature and new to this whole dating and mating game... I am still exhibiting old behavior with matters of sex and relationships... I am not walking into the relationship as a whole person in search of someone to share with, rather someone fragmented looking for someone to complete me. I will pray for an answer and help with what I need to do with this matter.
What is suggested in the Big Book is when sex relations becomes a problem, I throw myself harder into helping another person... I get out of self and get into being selfless and service work... I work harder in doing stepwork and completing the 12 steps... I want to get to step 12 so that I do have that "spiritual awakening" as a result of having completed all 12 steps! How can I expect full recovery if I haven't received the full treatment for this spiritual malady, obsession of the mind, and physical powerlessness over matters of that disease that yearns for self-loathing, self destruction, misery, selfishness, victimhood, and blaming the world for the woes of my life then hating myself for being weak and feable willed.
So, tonight I affirm and commit to doing more of my stepwork, then committing to spending my energy exercising at the gym, and of course continue my daily routine of going to meetings, making my phone calls, gratitude list, proud of self list, prayer, meditation, willingness to reach for my potential as a sponsor and sponsee, surround self with winners, continue with the attitude of gratitude... Be gentle with myself; know that I will make mistakes, and to remember as my sponsor says, "what's done is done with." Don't do it again and move forward from this point forth with the lesson that I learned. Take the contrary action next time...
Phew... Pray for me folks... Share your stories with me... Call me... Circle your wagons around me and love me until I can love myself... Please ask for help so I can stay sober by being of service to you... Allow me to express my love to you so I may see that I have it within myself to love others...
With gratitude for one more day clean, serene, and sane,
Quoc
MEMORIAL POEM FOR ROLAND FLYGE
For those interested, here is the poem that I read at Roland's memorial on Saturday, November 12, 2005... Please pass this information to those who asked for a copy of this poem:
"So, I was asked to find a poem that is appropriate to read for this memorial... My prayer was answered with finding the following poem... It is not quite a poem for Roland; rather, it is a message from him to you... So, imagine this as a message that I am conveying in Roland's stead...
TO MY DEAREST FAMILY;
SOME THINGS I'D LIKE TO SAY
BUT FIRST OF ALL TO LET YOU KNOW
THAT I ARRIVED OKAY
I'M WRITING THIS FROM HEAVEN
WHERE I DWELL WITH GOD ABOVE
WHERE THERE'S NO MORE TEARS OR SADNESS
THERE IS JUST ETERNAL LOVE
PLEASE DO NOT BE UNHAPPY
JUST BECUASE I'M OUT OF SIGHT
REMEMBER THAT I'M WITH YOU
EVERY MORNING, NOON AND NIGHT
THAT DAY I HAD TO LEAVE YOU
WHEN MY LIFE ON EARTH WAS THROUGH
GOD PICKED ME UP AND HUGGED ME
AND HE SAID, "I WELCOME YOU; IT'S GOOD TO HAVE
YOU BACK AGAIN."
YOU WERE MISSED WHILE YOU WERE GONE
AS FOR YOUR DEAREST FAMILY
THEY'LL BE HERE LATER ON
I NEED YOU HERE SO BADLY
AS A PART OF MY BIG PLAN
THERE'S SO MUCH THAT WE HAVE TO DO
TO HELP OUR MORTAL MAN
THEN GOD GAVE ME A LIST OF THINGS
HE WISHED FOR ME TO DO
AND FOREMOST ON THAT LIST OF MINE
IS TO WATCH AND CARE FOR YOU
AND I WILL BE BESIDE YOU
EVERY DAY, EVERY WEEK, EVERY YEAR
AND WHEN YOU'RE SAD,
I'M STANDING THERE
TO WIPE AWAY THE TEAR
AND WHEN YOU LIE IN BED AT NIGHT
THE DAYS CHORES PUT TO FLIGHT
GOD AND I ARE CLOSEST TO YOU
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
WHEN YOU THINK OF MY LIFE ON EARTH
AND ALL THOSE LOVING YEARS
BECAUSE YOU'RE ONLY HUMAN
THEY ARE BOUND TO BRING YOU TEARS
BUT TO NOT BE AFRAID TO CRY
IT DOES RELIEVE THE PAIN
REMEMBER THERE WOULD BE NO FLOWERS
UNLESS THERE WAS SOME RAIN
THERE ARE ROCKY ROADS AHEAD OF YOU
AND MANY HILLS TO CLIMB
BUT TOGETHER WE CAN DO IT
TAKING IT ONE DAY AT A TIME
IT WAS ALWAYS MY PHILOSOPHY
AND I'D LIKE IT FOR YOU TOO
THAT AS YOU GIVE UNTO THE WORLD
SO THE WORLD WILL GIVE TO YOU
IF YOU CAN HELP SOMEBODY
WHO IS IN SORROW OR IN PAIN
THEN YOU CAN SAY TO GOD AT NIGHT
MY DAY WAS NOT IN VAIN
AND NOW I AM CONTENTED
THAT MY LIFE WAS WORTHWHILE
KNOWING AS I PASSED ALONG THE WAY
I MADE SOMEONE SMILE
SO IF YOU MEET SOMEBODY
WHO IS FEELING DOWN AND LOW
JUST LEND A HAND TO PICK HIM UP
AS ON YOUR WAY YOU GO
WHEN YOU ARE WALKING DOWN THE STREET
AND YOU'VE GOT ME ON YOUR MIND
I'M WALKING IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS
ONLY HALF A STEP BEHIND
AND WHEN YOU FEEL THE GENTLE BREEZE
OR THE WIND UPON YOUR FACE
THAT'S ME GIVING YOU A GREAT BIG HUG
OR JUST A SOFT EMBRACE
AND WHEN IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO
FROM THAT BODY TO BE FREE
REMEMBER YOU'RE NOT GOING
YOU ARE COMING HERE TO ME
AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU
FROM THAT LAND WAY UP ABOVE
WILL BE IN TOUCH AGAIN SOON
PS - GOD SENDS HIS LOVE
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
Roland... you may have passed, but your legacy lives on forever in the hearts and lives of those you have touched. One of those blessed individuals is myself. I am honored to have been your friend and pray that you find peace and a greater purpose in God's world. Thank you."
Roland had the refreshments commitment at the Friday night Home group recovery meeting; he brought the cookies and flavored fizzy drinks. He would always personally give me a fizzy drink, grapefruit or orange flavor he would ask... Then give me a big long warm hug and peck on the lips... He has these very rosey cheeks.... Always sharp dresser, drove a jaguar, but that never took away from his being of service, showing up for commitments, staying sober for a year, making at least one phone call a week to me to share his gratitude for my being in his life and a week before his life was taken away by another alcoholic...
I will never forget seeing him at the Thursday night (10/20/05) meeting in the North Hollywood that I was asked to speak at... I had just seen him take a cake that past Friday (10/14/05) and Monday (10/17/05)... He got out of his car, I saw him in his suspenders and gave and got a great big hug from him... I typically see him once a week, but this particular week, I got to see him 2 more times and also see him take a cake for 1 year clean and sober a couple times.... Thursday evening, October 20, 2005 was the last time I saw him; if I had known, I would have held him that much longer...
I get reminded once again how pulchritudinous life is... I remember that in this given moment and remember to appreciate it... I want the following song played at my memorial: "Friends a friends forever... if the Lord's a Lord of them..."
Humbled and honored to have been Roland's friend;
Quoc
DEAR MOM... YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF ME...
Dear Mom,
You should be sooo proud of me tonight! I cooked some mushroom stew with chicken, an onion, fish sauce, and a few boiled eggs... I know it totally does not compare to how you made it with tender pork among the other delicious ingredients you added, but I really feel good about the meals I have been cooking in the past few days... I really miss you Mom...
So, here is a highlight of my day... List of proud of myself and gratitude:
1) I cooked a healthy meal for self
2) I enjoyed a great dinner with a friend out in Pasadena (co-worker) - ah... these are the true blessings of life when I stay in the solution
3) I put in an honest day's work for an honest day's pay and trained the new Department Coordinator as well as took care of priorities for my boss as well as attend a meeting for my new position
4) I chose sobriety today
5) I got to speak to all 3 of my wonderful sponsees this evening... I ask God to speak through me in offering my experience, strength and hope in guiding them through one more day clean and sober... Little do they know how much they are helping me by being a part of my life and carrying a message of hope courage, surrender, willingness, and giving someone like me the opportunity to be of service and feel self worth for having helped another fellow sober brother!
6) I did some stepwork and get to turn my character defects into the assets that I may use in maintaining a serene, sane and sober life just for today
7) I honored my needs and was honest to those that ask more of me than I can give... I am proud of self
8) I called my support group
9) I prayed and journalized
10) I listed and identified where I was dishonest, inconsiderate or selfish today... One thing is my desire to exxagerate the truth of my experience with having sex and dating guys in order to make it sound more interesting and appealing so as to receive more attention and reaction and validation from the other party; whereas, I could've just been honest and told the truth about my experience... It's progress not perfection
11) I arrived safely to all destinations
These are such amazing gifts in my life Mom... I do miss you a lot... I know you are in my heart and I carry your courage, integrity, strength, and extend love, compassion, tolerance and mercy to myself and my fellow human...
Here are some brief highlights from a journal regarding this past weekend....
What I didn’t get to share at meeting… To thank the speaker for sharing about the cause of addiction does not stem from life’s events… There are people who have suffered deaths, abuse and other things and not end up using and drinking… Addiction is a disease… Spiritual malady, obsession of the mind, physical allergy…. I wanted to share about the insanity that my disease manifests itself… It’s been telling me I am damaged goods… The reason why I need to do things perfect the first time… Because I am really damaged goods… If I mess up the first time with sex, relationships, argument, employment, stepwork, sponsoring, being a sponsee… then you will see that I am damaged goods… There is no room for improvement for damaged good like me… I am in conflict with these negative self loathing thoughts with the positive ones such as:
1) I showed up for my sis and Dad in caring for Dad Friday night
2) I went to AALA committee meeting and participated
3) I did a step study with my sponsees
4) I went to memorial and read a poem and brought sponsees with me
5) I went to visit with my date for dinner, movie and sleep over
6) I woke the next morning to go to therapy
7) I went to transition of a couple residents from a recovery house
8) I did a step study with a sponsee at the recovery house
9) I drove home to return yoga matt as prompt amends
10) I went to Sam’s Club and bought some food
11) I set boundaries as to whether I could pick someone up for a meeting or not
12) I went and did my commitment at Plummer Park meeting
The true highlight is being blessed with the opportunity to go to a memorial and partake in the remembrance and celebration of the life of Roland Flyge... to see the disease of alcoholism at it's worst by taking yet another life of a friend and sober brother... Then getting to go to the graduation of a couple residents from a recovery house and seeing the miracles and growth of people who stay in solution, stay willing, stay open-minded, stay honest, and just STAY. These are the true gifts of my sobriety! I am sooo abundantly rewarded for having the simple things in life... Everything else I have are fringe benefits!!!
Thank you God and Mom for looking after me just for today....
With love and much gratitude,
Quoc
MY SON IS A HETEROSEXUAL!!!
Oh my goodness this is a funny clip!!! Ever hear a Mother shocked from hearing her son is a heterosexual? Well, listen to this audio clip!!! Let me know what ya think!!!
MysonisaHeterosexual.mp3Cheers!
Just me...
Just felt like posting this of myself....
REJECTED!
So I took a chance... I was totally honest and put everything on the counter for one to look at... Perhaps I should hold SOME things back and not unload on someone... "Hey name is Quoc, I am a recovering alcoholic, HIV positive and new to dating..." I guess that would be a bit much for any one person to take in at a sitting... In doing that I may have just scared away the first prospect that I really felt good about spending time with... I never got to do that... Sigh...
That is ok... Life goes on, next number and I truly trust the person who rejected shared with me, that I would find myself with the right guy with a combination package that is compatible with that of mine...
How do I feel? I'd be lying if I said I weren't disappointed. Here I am a totally mellow sweet funny romantic sensual guy totally open to spending time with someone and just hanging out with no expectations and an actual non-combative spiritual solution to conflict resolution and I can't find that perfect combination... First guy was too neurotic and complained that he was competing with my energy devoted to recovery... Then there is the second guy who I really didn't have much in common with and had some complications that I was concerned about... He was sweet... Then there is guy number 3... Sweet, witty, funny, mellow, successful, a sweet pet dog, beautiful body, charming, but not interested in me because I have too many layers for him to deal with...
I am not asking for him to deal with my many layers.. I just want somoene to go out with, laugh, kiss, hang out, do things together, take a trip or two somewhere, snuggle at night with, have someone to call sometime during the day to say hello just for no special reason, and just someone I get to practice intimacy with... intellectual, emotional, spiritual and of course the physical intimacy...
So, my alcoholic thinking would love to think that with the rejection from this guy, I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life and this last guy is the last hot, successful guy I had a chance to hook up with... That is not true and thankfully I am not feeling any of the above except for a little disappointment and expectations that I could've played this out better, let him know some stuff, but not too much as to scare him away... But I have to remember, this is who I am....
If I had the tables turned and I heard all the things I did, I may be a little cautious in dating me... All he probably reads in my blogs are the growth and challenges in my life... The loss of loved ones... The trials and tribulations... The spirituality... None of this takes the place of getting to know me in person. Okay... Lesson learned, life goes on... Be thankful for the opportunity and that I learned from this experience...
I don't know if I want to do things differently... Again, I guess the key thing for me is to let someone know I am HIV when I know we are planning on getting intimate with one another... Then just lay low about my being in recovery and letting them see all my blogs... As with the program, allow a person to take me in piece meal, one date at a time, one phone call at a time...
I don't have to defend who I am... I am gonna be fine... I just feel a little starved for physical and emotional attention in the romantic sense that is... It will come... Keep doing the work, trust God and things will be ok!
Quoc
IMPATIENCE IS MY GLARING DEFECT THIS WEEK
Impatience because I want the guy that I am infatuated with to call me... I get to practice action that is contrary to that: PATIENCE... Gratitude, staying in the moment, asking for God's help, focusing on doing the activity that is in front of me whatever it is, throw myself harder into helping someone else, pray, share about my feelings to someone, don't take things not being done my way personally, make myself available for others and not just monogamy (which I think I am just destined to be... a faithful and loyal to one man kind of guy)...
Goodness I have just begun dating.... Let's date and have fun and get to know other people and get to know myself through dating other people and to not take this seriously... It's recovery I take seriously.... Life, myself, dating, work, all of it is really not that serious!!! Give myself a break, have a sense of humor, don't take myself sooo seriously, remember that whatever happens today, I GOT TO HAVE TODAY!!! Someone did not wake up this morning; someone is still out there using and drinking; someone is out there without the tools for living and solutions to sanity and serenity of life... I have these tools today and the option to pick them up! What a darn blessing that is...
I am smiling on the inside from writing this... I feel sooo uplifted because I have a conscious contact with my Higher Power and that I am choosing to believe in THINE WILL AND MINE ARE ONE. I am choosing to keep in mind if I were God, how would I react to each situation that life presents me with? Would I take things personally? Would I play a victim? Would I give emotional energy to things that I want happen my way and in my time and not realize it it completely out of my control? Would I forget to focus on doing my part and leave the results and consequences for God? If yes to these, then I may have a good clue as to why I have lost my serenity and feel insane...
Lots of gratitude today for the opportunity to grow... Growth is the word "OW" with a couple letters on each side...
Quoc
MET A REAL GEM!!!
Wow... I just got off the phone with a guy I spoke to for over 40 minutes... Did I project a lot of ambivalence? Yeah... I don't even know how to talk on the phone with a guy that I really dig... We did talk for 40 minutes though... Do I know him a little more? Yes... Does he know me a little more... Yeah... Is he going to run for the hills because he knows I am HIV positive, someone in recovery and also very very new to dating? I have no idea... I really don't have to worry about that... I just spent the best 40+ minutes today talking to someone that I really like and I feel good talking to... What a gift that is! Stay in the moment and share gratitude for the living moments of my life...
So, I am really scared... I don't know what to do! Just be myself? Well, I am still getting to know me more and more... I have been developing this relationship with myself for a few years now... Now that I get to socialize and share my experiences with others, I feel like a total virgin again!!! I need to just ask for help from those who have experience... I have to remember that relationships should be fun and enjoyable... If it isn't, then it's not worth keeping around! That is not to say that there aren't bumps along the road... Anyway, I am just gonna really enjoy myself... I am hopeful... That is all I can be...
I have been dropped by the last guy that I thought was going well after a couple dates and a snuggle night with him... Obviously it didn't work out because he hasn't called me for over a week... He just totally flaked... Again, a little part of me is disheartened by the flakey games that people play...
I walk into this relationship with shakey legs because of my insecurities that he will drop me at any moment for concerns of being with someone who is HIV positive... I am carrying his fears with me... I don't have to! I know what can and can't be done to get HIV positive... So, accept and love self and carry self in that fashion and let those that are drawn to all of me and enjoy those moments... It's easier said than done... I haven't really felt this good with meeting someone since my ex Joe... I will just enjoy this and be available for me and be present for the moments that I get to spend with this new guy...
Have I shared with you he's charming, witty, great sense of humor, wise, and incredibly sexy?!!! He is!!! So, stay in the moment... Ask for what I want... Take it as slow as I need to... Be available for me first, then for him... Appreciate the moments that I am blessed with spending with him... And just live life...
Now, I must get back to my 6th step and continue to identify my character defects and work on living the opposite of each defect... I know not to have any expectations, but I really hope things work out with this guy and me... Just for today, it has... The relationship has developed way beyond my own expectations! He is still open to seeing me... Thank you God for allowing me to see what he sees in me and smile about it and not doubt the tomorrow or question the past...
I must continue to practice being rigorously honest but also to remember the perfection of my progress... Speaking of that... last note... I made my first bobble as a Program Manager at my job... I won't go into the details of what happened, but here are the first lessons I learn as a result of this whole new experience of management that I am blessed with... In dealing with Staff:
1) When there is a problem, address the Staff in person; e-mailing or other indirect contact is inappropriate
2) To be careful not to tell a person how they should behave or identify what I feel is right or wrong... Just address the issue at hand when it arises and share about my concerns. Stick to the facts... It's condescending, creates a rift between me and the team member I am working with and just causes for all around bad karma.
3) To go into a new relationship with a clean slate... To dispose of anything that I know of that person prior to my relationship with this individual in my new position... To do so would be unfair...
What I did was done with the best of intentions, but the results turned out terrifically terrible! Some of the worst things have been born from acts with the best of intentions... One of the really experienced members of the organization gave me a great piece of advice that mistakes are expected and that is how we grow and learn... from these mistakes... She asked me if anyone died from my mistake. I said no... She concluded that all will be fine then because amends may be made... It's sooo simple and really assuaged my feelings of the terrible thing I did... It was not terrible at all... Just another learning experience.
Today I give thanks for the opportunity to connect with an amazing man and also let myself be a little more vulnerable with another man and find that he didn't run away from me... There may be hope for me after all... God must be smiling today for the victory in my siding with his will today.
Regards,
Quoc
HIV POSITIVE - WHEN TO DISCLOSE?
So, as you folks have probably been following... I entered the dating pool about a couple months ago... I have not been limiting myself to dating people in recovery or the HIV positive community... Although, I find obstacles and challenges in the few encounters I have with normies (people do not need recovery) and HIV negative folks. I am still trying to find that silver lining in time where disclosure of my HIV status is optimum... Optimum for what I have no idea... In disclosing to someone from the get-go, I get immediately judged and turned away... In disclosing to someone after they get to know me, they find themselves conflicted... They think I am really sweet and sexy, but they are very uncomfortable with the idea of being with someone who is HIV positive... Sigh... It's already tough enough being asian... then someone in recovery... now the big one is getting through hurtle number three - still keeping Quoc around after finding out he is HIV positive.
So, I met this incredibly sexy guy last evening... We just chatted... Both parties were attracted to one another physically, intellectually, and even that shared aura... We didn't do anything but make out... I was invited over to go over to his home this evening... I prayed and asked God for help and ended up e-mailing him and disclosing my status. I had already given up hope that he would call me or consider me... He did... He shared how he wouldn't be calling me if he didn't like me... He just is not very knowledgeable with HIV and the ramifications that come along with being with someone who is HIV. I totally understand where he is coming from. He totally understood why I didn't tell him until today... He shared honestly that if I told him I was HIV before we met, he would have reconsidered inviting me over, but after the fact, he feels conflicted... He shared that he totally gets why I waited to disclose...
He asked me whether there was any risk of exposure from our make out session last night... Upon hearing this question, I know this guy as sweet as he is, as compassionate and open he is to possibly seeing me would not be able to get over the stress factor of self preservation... The "is it even worth going out with someone who is fantastic in every way but HIV positive considering there are thousands of other healthy men out there to date?" I really get it... I really do! He clearly doesn't have enough information to be comfortable enough to move forward... I need to be totally ok with that... I find it difficult, because I really really really am attracted to him... I am not just talking physically, I really sense "THAT" connection with someone...
These are some of the lasting consequences I have to live with from the actions of my past. It pains me that I feel "robbed" of opportunities to fall in love with someone because of this damn disease!!! I hate HIV... I respect and revere it and realize that I probably would not have made it into the rooms of recovery without that experience in my life, but I hate HIV to the core! I don't want to be a slut or whore... I really want what I was brought up with: seeing two loving people come together, raise a family and create a place called home... That is what I want, to fall in love with someone that I cherish, adore and love and find those same sentiments reciprocated.... I want to grow old with someone, play house for real, and co-exist with someone and work through the trials and tribulations of the courtship game... I want to realize that dream of monogamy with someone that totally turns me upside down and makes my insides smile when I am with him at any given moment.
I realize I am certainly not alone in this game... If it's not one stigma (such as HIV, being in recovery, the race card, the masculinity card, or the age card), then it is something else for someone else... What I get to do is share my feelings, ask for help, get grateful for the opportunity to have these experiences and trust that my Higher Power has my greatest good in it's plan. Without these low moments, I wouldn't be able to identify and appreciate the high moments...
It's just difficult to move into gratitude when I am going through a challenging moment such as this... The incredibly hot guy called at the last minute informing me that he was working late, and even politely added I could call him if I wanted to later in the evening.... He is sooo sweet... and it's not meant to be because I am HIV... DARN!!! I wrote him the following e-mail:
"Hey... You're very sweet... You are probably one of the sweetest let downs that I have experienced! You did it by the book and even better!!! I know you are just being genuine... What I am trying to communicate and also stumbling for words with you is thank you for being sooo sweet with considering my feelings while also trying to honor your feelings and concerns. You've really gone over and beyond the call of duty for a guy who is just uncomfortable and inexperienced with intimacy with someone who is HIV positive. It'll make this intro period for me a lot less grim and hopeless...
I am still trying to find the perfect timing in disclosing to a person... I still haven't gotten that down pat yet... I am only a couple months into this whole dating/intimacy realm; very green indeed. Know that I have no intentions of placing you in a position of discomfort or risk of exposure (if we had sex) at all! If anything that I did was out of place or came off hurtful, I extend my deepest apologies. Feel free to ask me any questions as I am very well versed in HIV/STD risk, risk reduction and all that jazz...
Here are a few tidbits to place in that noggin of yours:
1) When engaging in sexual encounter, proceed safely (condom for anal, not having a guy cum in your mouth) even if a person discloses he/she is HIV negative... Statistics indicate that 50% of men who are HIV positive, do not even know they are positive.
2) As un-sexy as it sounds, discussion of past partners and STD/HIV history helps keep you healthier... communication... communication... communication!
3) Yes it is possible to have safe sex with a positive sex partner without risk of becoming infected... HIV is transmitted via exchange of fluids such as semen (cum), pre-semen (pre-cum), vaginal secretions, blood, and breast milk. One is infected when these fluids enter the bloodstream of someone either from a cut, open lesion, or sore. Using a barrier for anal sex will prevent this from happening...
4) a. Unprotected oral sex - very very low risk of getting exposed (couple smart tips - make sure lips are not chapped; one does not brush no less than 2 hours prior to performing oral sex (brushing causes microabrasions to gum giving entry point to HIV - still a low risk); one does not rinse with mouthwash a least a couple hours prior to performing oral sex (saliva and enzymes in the mouth that are inhospitable to HIV are neutralized)
b. Unprotected anal sex (bottom) - highest risk of exposure to HIV if the partner is HIV positive
c. Unprotected anal sex (top) - risk of exposure is to HIV if the partner is HIV positive, but it's lower than with someone who is a bottom
d. Unprotected kissing - NO risk of exposure to HIV
Okay... I need to stop... I am probably giving you more information than you really care to know... Just feel free to let me know if you have any questions... I still think you're incredibly sweet, sexy, articulate, charming, great sense of humor, and now compassionate and considerate! Wowee! What a package!!! I am gonna leave it in your court... I totally dig you... Just listen to your heart and honor that which brings you peace of mind when your head hits the pillow each evening when you sleep; that is the most important thing you can do for yourself! I am 100% supportive of that."
Just trust God... and continue being grateful for what I have so I will appreciate the things I get... God has my back and still continues to conspire to give me everyting I want in life so long as I do a few things: remain honest, open-minded and willing; be of service to others when I can; continue working the steps and find that conscious contact in knowing that every step of the way, God is there...
Just feeling deflated...
Quoc
PRONOIA!!!
No, that is not a spelling error or typo! I really did type "PRONOIA." What is it you ask? Well, it certainly is a made up word, but I strongly push for this word as yet another added entry the the english dictionary. So, paranoia according to Merriam Webster is: "psychosis characterized by systematized delusions of persecution or grandeur usually without hallucinations." Basically, it's thinking and believing that the people are conspiring to kill/harm me. Pronoia is the belief that people are conspiring to help/support/love/ me. What a wonderful concept!!!
Where did I hear that from? Hanging out with a certain English gentleman who is visiting from the UK. It was lovely to be able to spend a little time to just eat and chat...
Other highlights:
1) I heard another really great phrase from a friend who just turned 1 year sober!! I love that guy! I've known him since he was a newcomer! His whole family came to support him... It was quite touching... He shared the following: "IF YOU DO WHAT YOU DID, YOU'LL GET WHAT YOU GOT." I love that phrase! So simple yet it carries a powerful message of if nothing changes, nothing changes!
2) I believe I have officially been dropped like a potato from the really rich guy I was dating... The one that I had that really uncomfortable sexual encounter with. The sucky thing is that he just stopped texting me and returning my phone calls. I took the hint after sending a very assertive and honest message via phone text as well as on voice mail that I really would love to see him again. NOTHING!!! Ouch!!! I was bummed for a couple days and thus this whole sexual revolution thing happening from people suggesting to me to date lots of people and not to get tied down with any one person right now or to place more attention to working out and exercising and of course the solution from the big book which suggests that if I am having problems with sex relations, I should throw myself harder into helping other people... I did that..
Because I have been in sooo much action lately, I have been able to face a lot of fears and overcome them or at least gain more experience as so not to go through something painful again or to adjust something so as to maximize on my experience.. Either way, life is full because I am an active participant in it! The prayer of my Higher Power helping me find balance with my recovery, work, romance, home, finances, personal, friends, family, and fun living life has been coming true and are coming true... God's will complementing my willingness to take action is resulting in growth and experience and wisdom and just not a lot of time to ponder and reflect on life rather than just LIVING THE LIFE THAT I AM BLESSED WITH!
I continue asking for guidance and trust my Higher Power will assist with this.
Regards,
Quoc
