GREEN, INSECURE, NOT GOOD ENOUGH...
Green, insecure, and not good enough are among some of the feelings that I feel! Now, this is after a terrific day where I spoke to a co-worker who is sooo empowering, motivating and supportive of me. She suggested that I don't need to project my "modesty" and humility. I do agree that I do tend to minimize the importance of the role I play at work, my family, friends and dating life... I don't really think I have a problem with a conceited ego... Instead, my head puts me down and sets a higher standard for myself than anyone else around me. In doing that, I exhibit arrogance...
I got promoted at work yesterday! I was reminded of how I felt when I first came into the position that I have been diligently growing into for the past 1.5 year! I have grown and have pulled it off resiliently! I will go through the same and grow, and learn, and contribute and in the end, it will make me a better man, and much more marketable! Talk about having quality problems! Applying for a job that I felt confident in doing, getting offered the position and then freaking out that I was offered the job for fear that I am going to mess up and get fired! My head went to my doing a poor job and they are promoting me to a position that I totally cannot handle... in essence giving me just enough rope to hang myself. This is probably not the case. As a matter of fact, I am an invaluable employee and team member of the department and agency and have contributed greatly to the growth and success of the department. I have fulfilled my role as Administrative Assistant, then Department Coordinator well!!! I have been growing everyday developing my skills as an HIV Counselor. I would really love to take more training classes and meet to see what tools are successfully implemented by other counselors in their testing sessions...
Lastly, I am volunteering for this group sponsored by the Los Angeles Gay & Lesbian Center. It is called HOT!!! It is a new men's group whose mission is to create and redefine the definition of what it means to be gay and how men meet up and develop those other types of intimacy beyond just the totally overated physical intimacy. Things such as emotional, spiritual, and intellectual intimacy... Creating different venues and activities for guys to experience outside of just the everyday mundane bar and club scenes... Tonight, we percolated such ideas such as miniature golfing, bowling, paintball, square dancing, and creative ways to meet and communicate besides the S&M that guys do at bars... By S&M I mean "Standing & Modeling."
I felt sooo green (meaning inexperienced and new to life) listening to this core group meeting tonight. A couple of the guys were staff who were innovative and ambitious and driven. The one other volunteer had some really great and creative ideas and really put it all on the table... I for one reason or other, ended up staying reserved. My legs were crossed... My arms were crossed. The group seemed too small and cozy... I felt exposed... I felt as if all my character defects were blatantly hanging out like hemorrhoids. Yeah, I know that is not a very pretty visual... All three of the men were affluential and knew people and belonged to groups and organizations... I was sooo focused my not having exactly what they had and that I didn't have great ideas and walking into the meeting defeated to the idea that I might have insight and creative ideas to contribute to this group and it's cause that I totally shut down...
One Staff Member spent a few minutes chatting with me and shared his story of how he used to be shy and kept all his ideas down on paper and couldn't find the intestinal fortitude to verbalize and place the ideas out there... He commended me on my having a web-log and that I am honest enough and courageous enough to lay all this out here for the world-wide web to see... He really was complimentary... I really needed to hear that...
I do have a lot to offer... I am creative... I am part of a great organization, a great HIV testing counselor, department coordinator, very committed member of recovery and of service and dating and just perfect the way I am... I forget to remember when I criticize myself and others, I am telling God that I am not exactly where I am supposed to be and that there is a mistake and that I am a mistake and that I should be somewhere better and should be more successful or more active, or know more people... Where as, I am doing fantastic just where I am in fulfilling my potential as a Man named Quoc!
I must be gentle with myself as well as I probably am feeling the awkward sensation of grief from finding out about the death of a friend just a couple days ago. Remember, each person processes grief differently. I am feeling depressed, languid, and just almost needy... My solution of course is to isolate and then fantasize and beat self up for not living the life that is being conjured up in my head and comparing what my head is manifesting to the reality of what and where I am.
So, I get to rest... I get to keep it simple... For the remainder of the evening, I will spend some of it doing 15-20 minutes of stepwork, shower and brush my teeth, write a card for a co-workers birthday tomorrow, write a card for my counselor's birthday from my recovery house, pray, read a few pages out of the big book and then turn in for the evening...
I stayed sober today! That is a miracle... I got to be of service. I got to put in an honest days work for an honest days pay... I showed up for my commitments, I made a few phone calls to my support group, I am willing to continue to stay in action... I am willing to take contrary action and not beat up on myself for enjoying a couple shows on TV and relax and see the therapeutic value of inertia... Creating that potential energy by resting so that I am rejuvenated and change that into kinetic energy come tomorrow...
I wanted to spend the evening with my date... I want to be there to snuggle with him so I may feel warm and safe and enveloped in his embrace... I get to feel that but realize that I can give that to myself as well... That I should be seeking to be self sufficient and depending on God to give me an answer on what I should be doing, and how I should be acting... How sexy would it be for me to see someone cling to me because he is needy and feels that he needs me to complete him. Or would I be more attracted to someone who is self assured and just comes over to spend the evening with me as company and complements himself as a whole individual.
God sees me as whole and his will is for me to see that within myself on a daily basis... I get to move and progress in that direction... I am going through change again... I am feeling extremes and trying to find the middle road between these extreme events happening in my life... Extreme success of being promoted at a job and staying sober and having more responsibilities as well as the opportunity to do some good directly with clients. Extreme sadness from the sudden loss of a friend who was doing really well and just died... I mean died... I am sooo bumfuzzled...
Not for me to understand... I ask God to continue to help me through this... I ask for Thine will and mine be one...
Quoc
PS - HEY... BLOG READER... WHO ARE YOU... GIMME AN E-MAIL SO I MAY STAY IN TOUCH WITH YOU AND COMMUNICATE WITH YOU....
CLOSE FRIEND DIES...
It is with a heavy heart that I ask you to please take a moment of silent meditation for the loss of yet another friend... I am still in shock... I just found out last night... These past months have been riddled with one death after another... First my Mom of cancer about 4 months ago, then Dalton via suicide, then Joey from a heart attack, and now Roland who died doing an intervention on his alcoholic father.
This one really hits home because he is someone I adore and love as another brother of the fellowship. Roland had just turned 1 year sober a week ago... I had the privilege of seeing him 3 times in the past week taking cakes for this huge accomplishment... I have known this man since he was a newcomer. He has been nothing but sweet, willing, of service, and a great extension of what God has intended for us to be... loving, compassionate, tolerant, merciful, and patient. I will miss hugging him at the Friday night meetings. I will miss his phone calls and having the privilege of calling him to tell him I love him and how much I apreciate his love and support. I never even took a picture of him or with him because I didn't think I needed to have a picture of him to remember him by... I either saw or spoke to him no less than once a week!
I lit a candle last night... prayed for Roland and his Father... I took a few moments to just realize how precious and fleeting life is... It can come and go at any given moment...
I am still trying to understand death and why people go when they go. Guess that is not my job... My job is to live my life and trust that there is a rhyme and reason in God's plan that is beyond my understanding. I was told that I may never understand why... My heart aches right now and I have not really taken in the news. I don't know when it will come, if it will come... I am sure it will... All I know is that my heart and the rooms of recovery are a little more empty from the loss of yet another loving and sober member.
Roland, you may have passed, but your legacy lives on forever in the hearts and lives of those you have touched... one of those blessed ones being me. I am honored to have been your friend and pray that you find peace and a greater purpose in God's world.
Deep condolences to the family members, loved ones and partner of Roland,
Quoc
THIS TOO SHALL PASS...
Because I was willing and I am willing to stay in solution, I have managed to work through and enjoy a very eventful week... I spoke at a meeting on Monday, Thursday, then again on Saturday. Today's speak was a REAL honor because there are some people with some major sobriety in the room!!! I just turned it over to God and shared my story and trusted whatever came out would be what someone in the room (including myself) needed to hear. I felt sooo good after sharing! I didn't talk a lot about the steps, but I did talk about solution, clarity, and willingness to ask for help... Thank you God for showing me that I do carry a message of hope and that I am inspiring and I am someone who is recognized and loved and appreciated. Wow!!!
I spent today resting up and rearranging my room! It was a lot of work, because I have sooo much clutter to clear! I really downgraded to things that I need. Considering all my belongings are all compacted into one room, I am doing pretty well! This too shall change as I continue to stay sober, work and grow! I feel more comfortable in the room. It is not perfect, but then again, I think the point is to move along progress towards perfection and to really enjoy the process of growth, unlearning bad habits and start adopting new and healthy behaviors and hopefully live on them until they become a part of my daily ritual...
The rearrangement of the room comes from the motivation of wanting to have living quarters presentable to people I date so I may invite them home with me. In arranging the room I constantly remind myself to keep the things I need that I do not need to overcompensate for anything... Would God come into these quarters in the current state that it is in? The answer in this given moment is yes! Yayee!!! I still have much work to do.... This is good practice for me in preparation of my needing to keep my home immaculate when I get a home with my own kitchen, bedroom, livingroom, bathroom and possible office space.
I am dating a real sweet guy! We've gone out 2 times and I spent the evening snuggling over at his place earlier in the week... I am staying in the moment and not obsessing too much on that individual.... Rather, I am living my own life and appreciating when I have those opportunities to spend with him. My recovery comes first, then my relationships, work and personal leisurely activities follow...
I have been making myself available for work... I have been looking at the entrepreneur magazines my sponsor bought for me to read. There indeed is a lot of money to be made out there... I just need that break and slip into a space where I am totally able to use talents that are being utilized but totally in a serious environment... I am working... I am not having much fun at work... I believe there is such a thing as having fun at work and really enjoying the work I do as well and feeling reward from interaction with my supervisors and co-workers... I am just feeling really overworked at work.... I am appreciated, but that also comes with great expectations and continued criticism to exert more work than I am already putting out! I am a hard worker and I still can't keep up... And being paid under 30 grand annually for this work, I think I am worth a lot more...
I worked out the speed bump that I had with my sis... Basically the solution is not to make the issue about me and taking it personally. The solution is to treat my sis as if she were a newcomer. The solution is to call my sponsor, share my feelings and then respond appropriately vs. just reacting and feeding into reacting back and forth. I am really proud of self for having moved through this process and stay sober. It scared me that I had a using thought as a solution to my feelings...
So, yeah, being of service, going to meetings, calling my support group, being okay with avoiding those who are not good for me, doing more stepwork, affirming on exercising, dating, praying, writing in my journal, reading self-help books, reading my big book... just suiting up and showing up for life and trusting that the events in life have not changed; it really is my perception of live that has changed...
In order for me to see life from a different perspective, I must be willing to ask other people how they see a situation. After all, isn't that what perspective is, seeing something from a different point of view/angle?
Today, I am very proud of myself; I am very humbled and honored that I get to be of service; I embrace and give credit to myself for the great progress that I have made... I get to remember to compare my life in this given moment to when I first came in or 1 year ago or 3 months ago... If there is growth and clarity and change for the better, then I am doing all right... It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I know this is harder said than done, but I feel more self assured and finding self validation easier because I am reaching for the source of my Higher Power from within myself.... It tells me that I am loving, compassionate, tolerant, and merciful person deserving of love, compassion, to be tolerated and to be shown mercy...
I am sober today by the mercy of my Higher Power... I get the gifts of life despite who I was and what I did. Now if that ain't Grace and Mercy, then I don't know what is!!! The gift is waking up in the morning and having the attitude that I am totally ok and beautiful and living up to the potential that my HP has for me. The prices are the steps, going to meetings, being of service, asking for help, getting out of self, praying, being okay with making mistakes, acknowledging that not doing anything and being still and resting is doing something that is healthy for me.
I affirm to continue to progress towards action and more action and less on fantasy and daydreaming... It's time to make these dreams come true... I have but one life to live... And it is sooo brief... What am I doing today to get the most that life has to offer?
Hey... If you read this, e-mail me a shout out... I would love to know who all is reading this! :-)
Quoc
I GOT THE F*CK ITS TODAY :-(
The time is now 1:14AM. I came directly home from work in tears... I called my sponsor and a couple other people. I didn't really get an answer on how to resolve the issue. Upon getting home, I ate something, then crawled into bed and slept for the past 6 hours. It was scary how a sensitive alcoholic like myself when triggered can all of a sudden think of going out and picking up the drink or the drug to punish the person "inflicting" this emotional pain on me. God, talk about character defects just erupting from me from these chain of events. I am thankful I get to work on them and also am at least willing to ask for help when I feel like going out and using drugs as a solution to my frustrations and pain.
So, what happened? Someone I called did help by pointing out the beginning of the resentment... Resentment being the number one offender with an alcoholic such as myself. My sister had called me a couple days ago to inform me that we have reached the monthly cap of minutes used on the cell phone and to hold off using the phone until 10/21. I know she has been going over on her share of minutes; she did it to me last month which pissed me off. I have been sooo conscientious about using this phone in the past month. It was reflected in the minutes used for the past month. I already have formed a couple other grievances with my sis' not informing me when my bicycle was stolen by a nurse and not really pursuing that (I was being presumptuous and inconsiderate). I also was upset with her because I wrote a letter apologizing for my inconsiderate response to her just as abrasive e-mail regarding going over minutes used last month(that I was writing with the condition and expectation of a response.... I realize that my motive was not pure).
So, I called Cingular to get the actual minutes being used by each party. Sure enough, more than 60% of the minutes were used by her, 30% by me, and the 10% by the baby sis. I prayed on this the night before and prayed on it upon writing a correspondence that is just direct but not blaming or hurtful. I may have transferred the non-verbalized negative feelings into the message upon sending it. I think I did good with the correspondence. I stated the problem. I stated why I was concerned. What is my sister's motive of calling me to inform me that we're out of minutes and follow up in an e-mail sugggesting that she didn't tell me to stop making phone calls. Stated the importance of why I make phone calls, to keep my sobriety and to be of service especially when I am not the perpetrator of being a minutes hog. There was no blaming involved. Lastly, I made a few proposals as to how to resolve the matter. I believe it was an appropriate e-mail.
I received a reply that was pretty much the exact opposite of what I wrote. From my perspective, it was hurtful; it was blaming. She picked out all the grievances she held and unloaded them onto me in one fat e-mail. She directed her frustrations and used me as the target. After reading it, I was enraged that she pulled the victim card out to justify the use of the minutes... How SHE chosen to take on the new role in the home as if to say I do not have an important role. The part that really hurt was how I chose to take those feelings she shared and wear it on me. I took those interpretted labels and slapped them on me: not compassionate, inconsiderate, not sympathetic, petty, bad son, bad brother, selfish, blaming, greedy, and in essence, damaged goods that has made no progress in the area of contributing to the family.
Talk about how the disease rears its head and uses my stepwork to self-sabotage me. It fears progress and my facing everything and recovering.... So, I just composed a reply to my sister... I will write about what I learned from what all transpired today and then paste my response to my sister for your reading pleasure:
1) What I say does not mean that is what the other party hears; if they choose to react negatively because I pressed buttons in their lives, that is none of my business! I need only worry about keeping my side of the street clean
2) I don't have to hold a grudge and be angry and resentful eventhough the other party may; for me to hold feelings like these feeds my disease and causes me to lose my sanity... Do I want to be comfortable or do I want to be right?
3) I do not have permission to be "ugly" and react when mud gets slinged at me; I get to treat that person like a crazy newcomer by not taking what they are doing or saying personal and furthermore, extend love, compassion, tolerance and mercy to them.
4) I don't have to accept the names and labels that others place on me. Opinions are like assholes, everyone's got one. All they are sharing are opinions. Listen and evaluate whether it merits truth; if it does not, let it slide. It is probably their baggage that they are trying to unload on me.
5) When I am upset at someone or something, it probably means there is something within me that I can identify with and relate to. I get to look at it and either grow or go. F*ck everything and run or face everything and recover. I do not have permission to play the victim. I get to look at why I am upset and work on myself and what I can do to make amends or address whatever that unresolved issue is.
6) I am reminded to be dependent on God for spiritual strength and solution. I get to be self-sufficient; giving myself validation, love, and holding firm on those character assets that I have. I am a loving, compassionate being, deserving of love and compassion. I don't have to be crippled because I did not make everyone happy. I am not responsible for their happiness.
7) I am not in charge of the results. I am responsible for carrying the message, not the newcomer or anyone else for that matter. I am responsible for just doing the work and leaving the results alone. I had a painful experience today, but from it I grew from it. I processed it.... I did not go out and use... I paused and reached out for help from my support group... I shared and listened... I did not react to the person I feel inflicted this pain upon me. Instead, I got to look at my own part and saw the TRUTH, and then responded accordingly and with a clear head. That in itself is a miracle. I am not responsible for making others comfortable and ok with me. I am in charge of making me comfortable, but find balance with sharing the TRUTH about whatever the issue may be.
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My correspondence to my sis.....
Please read my e-mail again Sis. There is no complaint. I am only pointing out how this is the 2nd time this month that you have called me to inform me that minutes are being used up. What is your motive in informing me of that? Please answer honestly.
I know I am choosing to feel hurt by your statements made. They are very hurtful. My head decided to take those to heart. I had my first thoughts of using drugs yesterday as a result. I had some major f*ck-its feeling like someone who is not contributing to the family. Someone who is taking away from the family. Someone who is not being understanding of his sibling doing a damn good job of handling herself with the burden she has chosen to take on. Someone who is being stingy about line iteming a bill and splitting it. I wanted to show you how much you hurt me by going out and using. That really scared me. Just sharing with you how scary being a sensitive alcoholic can be.
Yes, I am annoyed that I have to limit my phone calls because we are out of minutes. I know I can choose to just use the minutes eventhough they have gone over, but will I? You know I won't and that may cost the sobriety and life of someone who may really need that phone call to save his/her life or my making a call to save my own life. You don't have to understand this and I have no expectations of your understanding this; but using the phone is one of the tools that literally keeps my sanity and in turn saves me from staying in my head too long which tells me to go out and use or do something self destructive....
Complaining and blaming? No... I am sorry you took it that way. I am just stating the problem. That minutes are being used up before the end of each month. That you are the one calling to inform everyone when minutes are used up (I do check minutes all the time without your needing to remind me). Thank you for expressing your feelings about not being happy about paying for those services that you don't use. Please do not be angry that I used some of my hard earned money to buy baby sis a gift. All you needed to do was share with me you did not want to pay. I didn't know you felt that way.
It is my own fault for taking your e-mail to heart. That is my people pleasing, guilt ridden side that really took on those things you shared.... Those really hurtful blaming remarks.... I know those were not my intentions, but I certainly feel bad now that those fingers are being pointed at me as perpetrator. I almost went out yesterday over this... THAT REALLY SCARED ME!!!
So, I do not want to have negative exchanges like these anymore. I do not want to have a strained relationship with my sister. I don't want my sister to think that I am not trying my hardest to help the family out; right now, for me, the best thing I can do for the family is take care of my sobriety. I don't want my Sis to see me as less than supportive, sympathetic, compassionate, and loving. I am hoping my sister is proud of me of being willing to share honestly about feelings and trying really hard to share in a manner that carries the message of love and service. Clearly there are needs that you have that you are forming grievances about me over. I am not strong enough not to take things personally especially from those people's opinions about me that mean the world to me, one of them being you. I don't want to do this blame game... I hope you didn't get blaming from this last e-mail I wrote you... I've read it over and over... I really thought about it before writing it...
Sorry about all this digression... I should stick to the point...
Problem stated: phone plan is not accommodating for the demand
Solution options:
1) cancel your cell from phone plan; I will work out details with baby sis
2) keep current plan and split bill evenly (you're really good at breaking it down to the penny per person, so if we choose this, I will let you do it)
3) keep all 3 phones and upgrade to the next phone plan
I need to run this by my sponsor on what I decide. Your input is important to me. Again, really hear why I am upset when you are using lots of minutes, then call to tell me that we're out of minutes just "for my information" without expectations that I won't use more minutes. Then getting a response from my just trying to work out a solution with your dumping your baggage in my lap and then really feeling like I am being blamed for causing some of that pain. I don't mind your sharing feelings, but I am asking you now how hurt I feel to hear you share about what I am interpretting as my being tedious, unfair, unloving, blaming, insensitive, non-compassionate, non-sympathetic, and just a bad brother.
written in the spirit of love and service,
Bro
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PLEASE SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE AND SOLUTIONS, ANY OBSERVATIONS YOU'VE MADE, OR CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM YOU HAVE TO OFFER... E-MAIL ME... I really need to be in touch with you folks... I feel really out of touch...
Glad to be sober and face life's challenges... I must remember no matter what... remember not to Forget Everything's All Right (positive FEAR).
Quoc
LOSING MY VIRGINITY FOR THE FIRST TIME AGAIN...
I will tell you all about it when I get a chance... Keep checking back! Just letting you folks know I am doing well... I am sober, employed, of service, healthy, dating, and living the life that recovery has brought me. It's in staying honest, open-minded and willing that I get to appreciate these gifts today. My life is sooo full! I will give you details sometime this week!
Your prayers, thoughts, support and encouragement are heard by God and received by me. Thank you sooo very much! I am sooo blessed to have you in my life!!!
Regards,
Quoc
GOING INTO IT WHOLE...
So, my 2nd date called me!!! That is after I stopped obsessing about why he hadn't called me for over 4 days!!! Not even a hello or he had a great time with me... I learned a whole lot just from this one date and the aftermath... I have been sharing at meetings, talking to people and asking for their experience on this matter. What I am hearing is that relationships are to be fun... If I am not having fun, I am doing it wrong... Also, what is my motive when going on a date... Am I looking for to go out in hopes of finding someone that will complete me? Or am I walking into the relationship feeling whole and complete and available to share myself and my life with another person? So, I don't know... I certainly feel middle of the road with both sides... Walking into it to have fun and certainly getting into the swing and practice of dating and getting to know another person without being high on drugs or feeling the need to look at myself through their eyes and then transform myself into something I think they would want me to be...
I am forgetting the reason they chose me in the first place was because they probably are attracted to me just the way I am. Am I going on these dates and having fun getting to know other people and building a friendship before that intimacy card gets played? I don't have to do it like everyone else and do it the way that gay men typically do it: go out and have sex and then be done with one another... I can really get to know a person and really focus on those other levels of intimacy such as emotional, spiritual, and get to share my own individual character traits with the other and see if we're diggin' each other that way... Then, allow the physical intimacy to fall where it may....
I also want to check myself in depriving myself of the opportunity of physical intimacy due to lack of positive self image of self... Remember, I don't know how long and how many times I get to hang out with someone... Have a good time and just really enjoy the moment and stay present and have fun as if I am with a buddy that I am just physically attracted to...
Lastly to remember the perfection of my progress... I am doing great... This is sooo new to me... I am going to feel anxiety, fear, doubt, and ambivalence in doing things.. The key is to remember to have fun, not take it seriously, and to really enjoy one of God's gifts another physical being that I am drawn to and want to just bond with for as long as God allows for me...
I ask God to quiet my mind long enough to hear his whispers in my heart about what I get to do to enjoy the life I am being given each moment... I listen for that TRUTH and pray for willingness to act on that and love self because in not loving myself, I am telling God that one of his gifts is imperfect and undesirable and not worthy of being loved and cared for.
I welcome those that read this to share your experiences... E-MAIL ME OR POST A COMMENT... WHAT HAS WORKED OR NOT WORKED IN YOUR DATING HISTORY? Share share share!!!
Awaiting your replies with anticipation... I will keep you posted as I get to try this dating thing for a 2nd time with someone I am attracted to...
Cheers!
Quoc
MOM'S FIRST BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN
The above pictures were taken when Mom took the family out to celebrate my 29th birthday a year ago...
Mom got to celebrate her first birthday in heaven on 10/4/05. It would have been her 62nd birthday this year. I guess her birthday in heaven would be June 26, 2005 when she transitioned from this plane of existence aye? Then, under chinese culture, there is that 49 day journey before she passes onto reincarnation... I hope she is having a blast up there in heaven or where ever she is. It's kind of weird wanting to celebrate Mom's birthday when she's has past away...
I remember that bittersweet birthday 3 years ago when Mom and I were not talking because I was mad at her for hitting me; that was because I found the drugs I was using in the house. My addicted self was sooo upset that Mom flushed the drugs down the toilet, good drugs being flushed!!! Anyway, we weren't talking for months. When it came around to her birthday, I bought her a beanie baby sheep and had a neighbor bring it to her... I didn't want her to think that I cared, eventhough I did. Mom called later to apologize so as we could start talking again... I was the one in the wrong and Mom had a big enough heart for the both of us to extend the olive branch that I was not deserving of... I only hope that one day I will be able to extend that kind of unconditional love to someone I love with all my heart but upsets me to the core of my being...
I miss her sooo much!!! I am feeling homesick today and I don't have a home home to go to feel reconnected... I need to find a way to create that connection that I feel is lost when Mom passed away... I am such a Mama's boy and I proudly claim it!!!
A little melancholy,
Quoc
DEPECHE MODE... or NOT...
OH!!! I just got an e-alert from Ticketmaster... Depeche Mode tickets are for sale... I want to go... Oh wait... I barely have enough for food for the next month! Argh... It's most frustrating when I am ready to dive into life and have a great time and not have the means to REALLY dive into life... I am having a difficult time this morning staying in gratitude for what I have, because I want to take the quality of my life to the next level, but I have this darn crippling factor called "NOT HAVING ENOUGH MONEY!" Sigh... I will keep it short since I am in such an ungrateful mood... I will pray for God's help to remove my financial insecurities and the fear of...
I really want to go to Depeche Mode... I have never seen them... I can't even name any of their songs right now... But after seeing Andy Bell and Erasure a few months back, I really am jiving to go to live concerts... I want to start traveling, going to concerts, seeing the world and experiencing the world first hand... I've always dreamed of this, but now I want to make that a reality... I am 30 for goodness sake! If I live to be 60, that would mean 1/2 my life is over! So, what am I willing to do to make this a reality???
Making enough money to start enjoying the pleasures of life is important, but at the same token, I want to be doing something that is contributing to better society and helping the world heal, grow and prosper one person at a time... Pray, do the work, pray, research, pray, put feelers out there and pray some more... I don't know what else to do....
Quoc
MY 2ND FIRST DATE...
2ND FIRST DATE = First date with the 2nd guy I have "officially" dated in recovery... Here is my take on it; let me forwarn you that it's mixed with insanity and solution all intermingled... It used to be all insanity; I am thankful for some progress... I am doing well considering I am new to all these sober experiences!
I am sooo judgemental and mean... to myself that is... I went on my first date with another normie last night... I met him at a dance club this past weekend. There was a physical attraction... I actually really like his demeanor and the energy he sends out... So, we exchanged numbers and made arrangements to go out...
He took me out to dinner last night... It was a lovely evening... During dessert, we struck up a conversation with the neighboring table who happens to be the star of Poltergeist, Zelda Rubinstein and her very good looking latin flight attendant friend. She is such a lovely woman to talk to, very soothing and calming just listening to her speak.
My date and I decided to rent Poltergeist to watch Zelda in action in the movie... We went back to his place and watched the movie... I really like Dave, but I just feel there is nothing in common between the two of us besides our mutual initial attraction to one another... I am still attracted to him, but throughout the evening, we really didn't hit on anything that we shared... Guess we'll get to show each other a lot of different things...
So, in doing the tenth step or reviewing yesterday, here is what came from it:
I am judging self for not having enough (money, property, prestige), not be successful enough, not having traveled the world, for being in recovery, and just not the sweet, great looking, successful, ambitious, self-sufficient person that my date deserves... The thing is, I am... I am in recovery and discovering who I am and what I like. For goodness sakes, I love myself today; that is great progress! I am sweet and a "foxy guy" as a friend shared with me earlier in the week. I am successful in helping other people in the field of work I am doing. I am very very ambitious and self-sufficient although I am not making butt-loads of money and get to do all the things I want to do... But compare myself right now to when I first came into recovery and boy oh boy have I progressed and do I have a lot to be thankful for! Compare myself to a few months ago and yes I have progressed yet again. I pray and ask for God's help in maintaining that attitude of gratitude.
I am also judging my date and being presumptuous about how he feels about me and what his real message is when he tells me "when do I get to see you again?" Is he just being polite or does he really want to see me again? When we were watching the movie together, did he really want to watch the movie or was that the window of opportunity for me to turn him over, carry him into the bedroom, rip his clothes off and make mad love to him? Is he just minding me whilst we're spending time together or does he really wanna spend time with me?
I forgot to just be available and practice the traditions of recovery and also honor myself and my needs. There are two parties on this date... I am sooo preoccupied with pleasing my date, I am forgetting to ask myself what I like, want and need. I was totally comfortable with all that transpired last night. I look forward to future adventures with him... I am hoping I will be able to take him out on a trip... Why don't I forget about who is paying for what and when and just enjoy the company I am with and the opportunity to get to spend time with someone I am attracted to?
I am complicating and analyzing the hell out of a simple evening out... I remember the comment another sober friend shared with me... "Quoc, take recovery very seriously, but everything else lightly. Have a sense of humor about life and take life lightly and have fun; as with relationships, if I am not having fun and enjoying that moment I get to share with another individual, then I am wasting that moment I am blessed with... For that shared moment is like the waves coming upon shore, they come and go... Enjoy it while I have it and for however so long as I have it and when I am not enjoying it, then it really is NOT worth the investment. Do myself and the other person a favor by not indulging in wasteful living.
Truth... I really like Dave. I don't think we have much in common and I feel like a steerage class citizen in his presence. I want to get to know him better. I would love to share more of me with him. I really like the fact that he possesses similar characteristics as I do... smart, ambitious, competitive, successful, mellow, seems to have a good sense of humor, and just a great guy to hang with... I only hope that my lack of finances will not limit the quality of our visits together... He is the type of guy I would love to take out to Hawaii for a vacation date or take a cruise with or take a romantic helicopter ride with... I would sooo love to do these things for him...
Alas, why don't I stay in the moment and enjoy what I just had with him, a really great date and look forward to when we get to visit with one another again... In the meanwhile, stay present and live the life that I have been granted in this given moment...
Am I an alcoholic? Am I an addict? Hell yes I am! Just looking at the mind chatter above convinces me that I am a recovering alcoholic. Thank God I have a solution that helps me live life on life's terms one day at a time, completely sober and a little more sane.
Regards,
Quoc
100 YEAR LIMITED MEMBERSHIP?!
I almost fell out of my chair laughing... I was surfing the web and found this site that had the following membership limitation statement:
How long is my membership good for?
Your membership is limited to a maximum of 100 years.
100 years aye? If I sign up today, that would mean my membership would expire when I am 130! I am still laughing about this... The thing that makes it sooo comical is because I believe the promoters of this site are serious about this statement. Leave it to the silly things sometimes to lighten up one's mood...
Glad to pass gas and laugh a lot today... Well, perhaps the latter rather than the former in the presence of company...
Cheers...
Quoc
D.R.U.G.S. = Devil's Revenge Upon God's Subjects
DRUGS:
Devil's
Revenge
Upon
God's
Subjects
I just heard that at a meeting... WOW!!! I love that!
Another acronym I heard is for
A.D.D.I.C.T.I.O.N.
Anyone
Doing
Drugs
In
Compulsion
That
Is
Our
Newcomer
Okay... It's been a good day... I am clean, sober, alive, healthy, and taken care of... I may choose to:
F*ck
Everything
And
Run
or
Face
Everything
And
Recover
How do I do that?
By avoiding being HALT:
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
By abandoning EGO:
Edging
God
Out
By being HOW:
Honest
Openminded
Willing
By seeking GOD:
Good
Orderly
Direction
By asking for HELP:
His
Ever
Loving
Presence
Not to FEAR:
Forget
Everything's
All
Right
With gratitude,
Quoc
FEAR = Forget Everything's All Right...
I really like that... I heard that from tonight's recovery speaker. As an addict, I tend to forget that everything's all right at any given moment... I have remembered that everything is all right in the past few days. I am thankful for that... I have been surrounded by people who do not share the same sentiments. I try to be polite and honor what they are feeling. After all, what they are feeling is what they are feeling... I just don't want to be around it too long; for sitting with someone who is negative allows my disease to feed off of that and possibly lead me into wallowing into that pit of being a victim and self-pity and then resentment... I am able to remove myself from that place and shift and stay in the place of gratitude and really blessed by my Higher Power... I am still reeling about Dalton's death and how blessed I am to be alive. I got to wake up this morning, open my eyes, get up, breathe, and choose to live a miserable day or a good one! It's another glorious day! I affirm to stay in the solution just for today...
I read step 10 in the 12x12 last night... It was about doing a daily inventory... In doing so, I felt compelled to call my sponsor and tell on myself. I have not been doing my stepwork for a few weeks. I have been stalling... I know there are 3 sides to the recovery triangle: service, unity and recovery. I have 2 of the sides covered, but the third side has not been covered leading for an open doorway for my disease to enter and attack... I called my sponsor and made the affirmation of working on my stepwork for at least 30 minutes each day...
I affirm to you all and need your continued support, love and reminders to do the following on a daily basis:
1) At least 30 minutes of stepwork daily
2) At least 30 minutes of exercise daily
I will keep it simple to these to goals... Let's start counting for 21 days to form this habit, then 21 more consecutive days to keep the habit... Help keep me in your prayers, thoughts and e-mails to keep this going for 42 days!!! Starting now... It is 11PM. I will do my 30 minutes of stepwork... I won't have time to do my 30 minutes of exercise... Tomorrow will be my first official day doing that!
Wish me luck... Thank you for your support!!!
Quoc
PS - Tomorrow, Tuesday, October 4, 2005 would have been Mom's 62nd birthday... I will celebrate by honoring myself.
REMEMBER THE LIFE OF DALTON LEE ROBERTSON
In Memory of
Dalton Lee Robertson
Friend, Mentor, Son, Life Partner, and an irreplaceable Man
May 14, 1963 - September 24, 2005
I had the honor of joining hundreds of family, friends, associates, and people that love Dalton to remember his life. The memorial started at 3PM and ended 5PM; it took place at MCC in West Hollywood. I called my sponsor prior to going to ask if it was a good idea and whether I was ready to go to a memorial service a little after 3 months of losing my Mother. My sponsor said yes, it's ok to show up and see the impact the action of someone who chooses to take his life. How the loss of a member in recovery greatly impacts the lives of those that love and were loved by Dalton. This would be my first attendance to a memorial of someone in the program who died...
I left alone and headed towards West Hollywood. I took the bus so I didn't have to worry about finding parking. I figured that this memorial would have overflowing attendance. When one is sober for 17+ years, he meets a lot of people that he has impacted in small and great ways! I got off the bus and walked toward the memorial with someone else that I ran into on the bus who was also headed there... I saw many familiar faces. I immediately felt out of place because I was not dressed in black or a suit... I was in a t-shirt and jeans. Eventhough many people know "who" I am, not many people "know who I am." I haven't really taken time out to spend time with people. They have invited me out to hang out with them, but those few occasions, I declined. I am afraid of people getting to know me and find out that I am a bore and find me uninteresting and not want to get to know me anymore... In any case, I was there to pay respects and spend a moment to honor a man who had impacted my life early in my sobriety. I had the opportunity to sign a book that may be cremated with him... I don't remember much of what I signed except for "Go with God... and expressing gratitude for his making an impact in my sobriety from early in sobriety." I followed the procession of people into the very very packed church. Dalton's partner of 18 years was there, as was his Mother, Sister and other family. It was standing room only... There was a proliferation of people who were in the lobby and unable to come in because the church was sooo full.
Friends and family went up to the podium and shared their stories... The first time they met Dalton and the impact that Dalton had on their lives... I don't think I can ever recall the first encounters with anyone. I guess that just isn't how I am wired. Some words that were used to describe Dalton: unwavering, consistent, generous, spiritual, loving, supportive, patient, trustworthy, funny, witty, and big emphasis on how Dalton was of service (he who gave to others in order to receive the gift of sobriety and a life that one's wildest dreams can every imagine).
I laughed as much as I cried with the people in the room during the memoriam. There was the funny comment of a male friend who was offended and replied, "Did she just call me gerl?!" There was the depiction of how expressive Dalton was with his hands when he communicated... There was the visual slideshow of Dalton... I laughed and cried through a lot of that... It began with a commentary made by Dalton... I only remember the part where he said that one man "can make a difference in life of another person." The most emotional part was when Dalton's partner stood up and shared about how they met and their first date to the zoo... And he even read an edited version of Dalton's suicide note. There was nothing less than love, apologies, and just sharing that no one could have done anything to prevent what had happened. The last line on the note was to all of us... that his death is something he chose to do and "none of us are at fault for what had transpired."
By 5PM, Amazing Grace had been sung and the hundreds of people had joined hands and recited the serenity prayer... I parted way briskly and walked toward the bus stop... I didn't stay to mingle and share with other people... I didn't go up to the family to extend my condolences... I was feeling very deflated and sad for the loss... I was feeling angry that the only time that I called Dalton was the night that I found out Dalton had died and got his roomate answering the phone at 11:30PM sharing that Dalton had died... Why did I call? Maybe I was hoping that this news was just a vicious rumor or it was another Dalton that had passed away and the Dalton I knew would answer the phone and I would have an opportunity to get to know him...
I am home now... I get to honor Dalton by living my life and being grateful for the things I have so I may appreciate the things that I get. I get to be genuine and open... I get to pray and ask God to bring friends closer to me so I may make "gerlfriends" with and spend time with... I have a couple, but I don't really have group of people that I am really close to. I get to make decisions on what really makes me happy and will fulfill each precious moment of life that I am blessed with. Tonight I will do the Express Dating for me... I really feel as if I should be going to a recovery meeting as a post visit after the memoriam... It may be exactly what I need. I don't know... Sigh...
Dalton, may you find the peace wherever you are now that you couldn't find here with us. You continue to live in my heart and the hearts of people world wide... You will be missed, but you will never be forgotten by those you touched. Thank you for being that upstanding member of recovery and practicing the principles of the program all the way to the end... We remember the life that you lived and carry that in celebration of the lives that we are blessed with... Be with God and be the talented design artist you are in heaven.
Deep respect and love from a sober member of recovery and friend,
Quoc
