FLASHBACK TO HELL . . .
As usual, no time to write today, but I thought I'd share a correspondence that I wrote to a dear friend yesterday...
Hey Brad,
Thought you'd get a kick out of this... I was chatting with my roomie last night while he was on the computer. I noticed he had aol on his computer. I asked if he would check to see if my old account was still active... It was and guess what was in the profile? A picture of me about 1-2 months prior to coming into recovery!
Boy do I look different from then!!! I looked really good, but I know looking good on the outside really doesn't tell the whole story. The inners of the person in this picture was broken, sad, hopeless, had no self esteem, was suicidal, was willing to give my body to anyone who wanted to use it for their pleasure because I needed validation from other people. I had no self sense of worthiness with myself. I hated me...
Anyway, I weigh a lot more, but my inner being is "spiritually, mentally and emotionally fit." I give thanks for that! All I need do is to work out and exercise and keep a balanced diet and I will ascertain the body I had as well as the inner well-being that I have.
Just thought you'd get a kick out of seeing me from a couple years ago... Oh the memories!!! I am sooo bummed out that I was locked up in a room and totally withdrawn from people despite looking as hot as I did!!! Hahaa... Anyway...
Cheers,
Quoc
PS - It's a picture of me in my Calvins! haha!!! I weighed 120 lbs and had 15 more to lose before I finally went into recovery! I lost that in about another month or so... Thank you crystal meth and my insanity!!!
HIGH TOLERANCE FOR PAIN = HIGH RESISTANCE TO CHANGE
Sorry I have not blogged in awhile... Reason being? I am CRAZY BUSY at work, which is the only place that I have easy access to the internet. I have been doing well. I just wanted to pop myself in here and let you folks know I am still here! :-)
My biggest highlights from yesterday = getting my lab results back = cd4 = 599!!! That is a jump from 439 last month, which is already really good!!! My viral load is at 381; just a "blip" as my Doctor said. I am very thankful for that! I have been on new meds since a month ago. I am very very thankful that they continue to work for me! Yayee!!! Hopefully they will work for a long time to come.
The other highlight from yesterday is more annoying... My roomie tried to talk about recovery with me. Yes I understand that everyone is entitled to their opinion, but why would one want to make commentary on something that they are not directly experiencing? All they have is speculation and opinions. What do I have? Experience? What do my fellow recovering associates have? The living experience that compels each of us to appreciate and embrace what we have. It really makes sense when I say it's a good thing you don't understand where I am. There is a saying in the rooms, "if you recognize it, you got it!" So, if one understands and appreciates recovery, then you must belong!!! I was a bit annoyed by his remarks and opinions of what recovery "should" be. Anyway, as I was saying last night, if it works for you, then I am in full support of it, whatever shape or form that takes place. I am entitled to an opinion as all the other people I am surrounded by. These experiences give me perspective.
I give thanks for that... Anyway, life has been full and eventful... I am about to secure and have a bed moved into my room in Hollywood this weekend. Thank you Mom for your help!!!
Thankfully,
Quoc
DID YOU FEEL THAT???
Well, both the quoclam.com website as well as the e-mail for quoclam.com is down and out for the count... I only hope not for good... It's Monday, morning... I have been having problems with my e-mail in the past week and now can't even post this blog... So, how funny does time work... You are currently feeling the effects of post delayed blog-posting!!! The journal log you are reading was not posted at the time of when it was drafted... Do you feel that??? Ahhh... Mother Nature working its miracles... Or is it Father Time at his best?
Anyway, I have been doing some very productive journaling at home via pen and paper... Remember, I have no internet access outside of my work for now... So that leads me to have to write quick blurbs every now and then while I am at work...
Eitherway, I am a bit irked today because I have once again entrusted my information with "cutting edge" technology. First my cell phone and the numbers I almost lost because I dropped the phone in the toilet... Then, this time and all my e-mail addresses in the index of my quoclam webmail account!!! This totally compels me to act and have hard copies of anything I have out there in the virtual and electronic world!!!
Ok, enough with the mundane things of my life... There are attractions I have for men, thoughts of romancing my addiction to crystal meth., dealings with "normies" and them always having an answer to things and knowing what is best for me, and fantasies of gaining all kinds of material goods. I will leave that for another time... Folks, pray that I will have a cpu and internet access so I may blog in the near future to come.
Best regards,
quoc@quoclam.com
IT'S OK TO BE INCORRIGIBLE...
It's ok to be incorrigible says my therapist. I just looked up the word incorrigible; first to see how it is correctly spelled and number two to look up its definition: that cannot be corrected or reformed, esp. because set in bad habits. Haha... That is sooo very appropriate!!! I was really using it without knowing it's true meaning. I really miss blogging... I really miss the routine that I had when I was at the sober living (halfway house as normies would call it!!!).
Currently where I live, I realize I must quickly establish a healthy routine, before I do become incorrigible!!! I want to wake up meditating and listening to Reverend Kristin speaking on living in TRUTH. I want to practice steps 1, 2 and 3 prior to the start of the day. I want to get up the first time my alarm goes off. I want to be able to blog daily and share my thoughts and activities of the day. I want to be able to practice the 10th step and evaluate what I did right as well as what I need to improve upon.
So, a lot has been going on... I am in kind of a funk... I have had thoughts and dreams of using... It's nice that I am not responding to it and freaking out over having thoughts and dreams; I am an addict, this is what I do!!! Step one, I am powerless over my powerful disease of addiction!!! It will be with me for the rest of my life! Accept and work a spiritual program so that I am fully armed and sheilded just for today from any chance of relapse or behavior that will lead me back to that one moment that convinced and brought me back into these rooms.
Just highlights from the past week or two... I went out bodyboarding for the first time since I came into recovery and probably long after that! It was sooo very nice to be out in the ocean flowing with the waves that pass by... I was going with the wakes that rose and fell... I did not fight the waves... I dove into the waves that crested and were crashing towards me (facing fear). I did not fight, but moved with a force and power that is greater than myself! Ahh... I love it!!! It was such a deep, meditative and profound moment I had in those blessed moments.
I am slowly making a home for myself in my new living arrangement. I am still living and responding as if I were in a recovery house. Keeping food to myself! Only cleaning my stuff and not enabling others. My roomie is all right... I just didn't realize what I was paying for; me being the addict, I had the expectation of a shared livingroom. Not so... Anyway, I will leave these details to share at another time.
I have achieved 1 year and 4 months of sobriety by living one day at a time!!! 16 months!!! Wahoo!!! What a blessing!!! Again, lately, I have not been feeling the pink cloud of being in sobriety and wanting to use and have wild marathon sex. I continue to remind myself of that snapshot = the last two weeks of my life prior to coming into recovery! Still, it's ok to feel this way. This too shall pass...
I give thanks for all my blessings and tools that I currently have to live life on life terms and doing it SOBER!!! I have hope that there is much more to learn out there as I am growing one day at a time from other people who have more sobriety and wisdom on living life than I do. I pray for willingness to do what is necessary to live a healthy life; a life that is spiritually fit!
Thank you G.O.D.
Quoc@quoclam.com
90 DAY EVALUATION IS A "PASS"
So, I was sharing with the Therapist about some fear and anxiety of what my supervisor would say about my performance for my 90 day evaluation. That was this past Monday evening. Well, the votes are in... I passed!!! Not only did I pass, but in my opinion with flying colors!!! I am "a pleasure to work with." Right on!!! Of course there some things that need to be worked on like attendance, but I really can't help that! When I am sick, I am sick. I will take it in stride and understand that I am doing my best. I give thanks for officially being welcomed into my organization as a team member! Wahoo!!!
The office here is getting busier with each day that I work!!! That means more responsibilities with each passing day and learning to prioritize because all the work that is being placed on me cannot be completed all in one day! Phew!!! The good part of all this is that the organization must trust me enough to give me more and more responsibilities! That also leaves for more job security because now there is a need for my presence in having business taken care of.
Other than that, life is good... Apparently it's drizzling out right now! What is that!!! It feels like the South Bay or the East Coast, warm muggy weather... Ack!!!
Sorry about being curt with my correspondences these days. I have to squeeze in a few blurbs with what little down time I have at work. And, expressing oneself's personal thoughts in a work environment is not the most ideal for just letting the floodgates open!!! I hope to have internet connection in the near future to come... Otherwise, I have been doing my daily 10th step as well as journalizing the conventional way = pen on paper.
Life is good... Tonight will mark the 3rd evening I spend in my own room and living quarters! There is still much work to be done. I have yet to make a decision as to how "at home" I feel to settle into my "niche." Still getting a feel for the relationship I am having with my roomie. Either way, I am growing. I got checked for the first time last evening for bringing a "couch commitment" (recovery term - e-mail me if you want me to explain) home with me. I owned my part and promptly admitted my part in it and now have let it go and moving forward with it! Yes, I am continuing to grow with each passing day... I get the chance to grow each day because I have managed by the grace of my Higher Power to stay clean and sober, just for today, one day at a time!
Gotta jam!!! Work beckons!!!
Thankfully,
Quoc@quoclam.com
NEW HOME... NO NET...
Hey folks... I am officially a Hollywood resident! :-) I just finished moving in this past Monday, Labor Day, September 6, 2004. Until I get settled in and have access to a computer and get services, I won't be able to blog... Work has me incredibly busy busy busy!!! There is sooo much happening in my life... It's a darn shame I don't have internet access to share all the wonderful blessings I have been receiving as a result of staying clean and sober, working the program, going to therapy, listening to Reverend Kristin's services, and staying in the moment with life.
These are the blessings I am truly experiencing in my second year of sobriety. Okay, back to work... I will miss you folks for awhile... I check my e-mail daily, so I invite you to e-mail me with the on-goings of your life. You may also request for my phone number or mailing address.
Cheers!!!
quoc@quoclam.com
MY LAST NIGHT AT "THAT HOUSE SOBER LIVING"
These couple days will mark the conclusion of a 14 month relationship with "Crack Central." I will be departing from Alvarado and Olympic where I lived at "Our House" Recovery House for over 10 months. I will be departing from Alvarado and 8th Street where I have been residing at "That House" Sober/Transitional Living for over 3 months. I will be departing from the McArthur Park area and relocating to Hollywood. What a transition... There are feelings... Yes there are... Lots of mixed feelings. Tomorrow, I will be spending my first night hopefully in a new bed of my new home in Hollywood. This marks a new chapter in this spiritual journey that my human embodiment is going through.
This has been a crazy week!!! I really have wanted to record the day to day events so I would be able to look back on this past week in the future to come and see how wonderfully blessed I am; how much I have progressed in the ability to live life on life's terms. It has indeed been a very very full week!!!
The date is now 9/20/04... I might as well post this... I was viewing my blog postings... I have 100!!! Ding!!! ding!!! Ding!!!! Ding!!! Ding!!! Learning to stay in the moment... If I don't finish it in the time alotted.. Submit it... Better something than nothing at all!
Cheers,
Quoc
TELL THE STORM HOW BIG MY G.O.D. IS...
Yayee!!! What a great meeting! I had yet another blessed opportunity to listen to "T," one of the most inspirational speakers I have heard since coming into sobriety! "T" is the one that I have the tape recording of and have listened to many many times when I need to hear about strength, hope and experience! This person truly has a conscious contact with their Higher Power! Anyway, I can't divulge anymore without breeching the anonymity tradition. The important thing is I got to hear the message again and got more out of it! A couple of the many things the speaker shared about that truly touched me was: Don't tell my G.O.D. how big my storm is; tell my storm how big my G.O.D. is!!! There is a solution! The other message I heard was an answer to the experiences I have had in the past. It was shared that I am responsible for owning what I am going to do with the knowledge of this experience being in the program and being an adult. Yes, I was afflicted with pain, grief and misfortunes as a child, but now as an adult and having knowledge of, what am I going to do with the information? Am I going to move into solution or wallow in the problem?
Good suggestion!!! Thank you "T." This time, I have the person's phone number, so I may ask that person to speak should I be blessed to be a secretary one day in the future to come again.
I have two (2) things that have been eating at me in the past day or so... One is that I have been sick since Sunday evening. The symptoms really didn't set in until this past Monday. I had the aches, and coughing and raised temperature. It progressed and I took a sick day and slept most of Tuesday and finally went to the Doctor to be told that I may have a viral infection! That's just great! This too shall pass! I really did not want to miss out on work. Wednesday came and I was not feeling any better, the cough medicine the Dr. prescribed worked wonders in taking away all the phlegm, it did such a great job that I was totally dried up. Moreover, the meds I was taking is causing for me to be whoozy, drowsy and disoriented. Ack!!! It does say so on the bottle. Again, there is the feeling of missing 2 days of work when the Staff I work for really depends on me and truly does need me. I fear that my supervisor may experience a moment where she absolutely needed me to do something and my absence may influence and cause her to make the administrative decision to "fire" me because I am just not dependable.
This comes at the dawn of my receiving a phone call from Landlord for the property that I applied for the evening before with hopes that I would get accepted for it. I was ready to call my potential roomate to ask what it was gonna take for me to secure the room for me and her not needing to interview anyone else. I got it!!! The landlord is totally accommodating and I have purchased the $250.00 deposit that will be applied to the rent of the 2nd half of this month! Cool. The place is indeed small, but perhaps this is what I need for now. I got another phone call from someone who is offering my own room and my own bathroom, cable, and internet hook up and utilities for $575.00/month, but he requires that I pay for the first months rent as well as another month's worth of deposit! Yes, that is a better deal, but I don't have the money on hand! Sigh... I will pray on this and get an answer... I will just go and trust that things are gonna work out and where I am supposed to be I will be where my Higher Power intends for me to be... I can't get greedy! I just also want the best for myself too!!!
Anyway, lastly, I am a bit bothered by the fact that I have an attraction to a newcomer in a recovery house. He is very tall, very lean, has tattoos, a cool attitude, but alas I just can't over the fact that I am very attracted to him. Argh... So, I will have to call my sponsor on this matter. I already know the answer... I just have to sit on it awhile and throw myself into being of service, trust in my Higher Power in seeing whereever I am suppose to be and I pray that all parties get the best of G.O.D.'s grace!!! I am not attracted to the disease as I am of his personality, his spirit and the aura he currently exudes! This effects all kinds of confused feelings and assumptions my head goes to about attraction being reciprocated and how I am not worth it and am in no place to deserve something like this... So, it's just a feeling; acknowledge, just move along and behave in a manner that is not injurious to any parties including myself!!!
I give thanks to my Higher Power for my current blessings! I trust my Higher Power in seeing to whereever I will find as my home. I turn my life over to my Higher Power to allow me to have the relations that are healthy and allow for growth in all parties and does not lead to pain and more wreckage that will cause for amends in other people.
I give thanks in this moment... I will not read minds, and just trust whatever is going to happen is ok... Whether it be my health, my job, where I live, or the relationships I am building and developing with other people.
Thank you to the TRUTH of who I am!
quoc@quoclam.com
